Friday, May 31, 2013
I wrote a blog called Realization in October of last year that I searched for and read tonight. I had found a quote on SP that summed up the way I always feel each passing year that I don't lose weight. It said "You may look back a year from now and wish you would have started today." I love that and even though I am not where I wanted to be, could be or should be, I am 57 pounds lighter than I was a year ago. I have a long ways to go but I am still going. I have had several LONG plateaus even when I was really trying. They suck but they are not going to define me. I am still very upset at what I see in the mirror after losing almost 60 pounds. I thought I would see a bigger difference but I am going on focus on the fact that I am healthier and less lazy. I am looking to the future of still losing and starting a running program. I don't even know what my final goal is but I know I am not there yet. That is OK . I am still actively trying and have made some good decisions. I am drinking nothing but water, 4 liters or more a day, with the exception of an occassional coffee when I first get to work. I am FINALLY starting to hear comments from other people about me losing weight, it was frustrating to lose almost 60 pounds and no one notice. I am excited to hit that 60 pound mark, 3 more pounds :) And my next goal is 199, oh that proverbial "onederland" lol. I am going to make it. And now I no longer have to say that in a year I will look back and wish I started today but that will forever be on the mirror on my bedroom. Whether it is weightloss or a running goal or finishing school goal and maybe others, I am going to keep adding dates to it and no longer be a person who lived each year wishing they would have started the previous year. I did that too long. Thanks for anyone who has supported me along the way!!
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
this is going to be short, but I want to catalog it for myself.
2 things I realized in the last 24 hours.
1: I have gained about 5 pounds thru the holiday season. And, tho thats not a good thing, it could be worse. The thing that I realized tonight, and I am so happy that I did is...
I have lost 40-45 lbs this past 10 months and at my highest was 294, TWO HUNDRED NINETY-FOUR pounds-ridiculous!!! Tonight I was sitting there and realized I feel horrible with the extra 5 pounds back. Not even emotionally, but physically. I don't even remember feeling this way at 294. I knew I didn't like it, but this was different. And, I feel like it was a good thing. I am finally being able to feel that I feel better at less weight! So, I am excited to get this 5 back off and get back on track and hopefully lose some more.
2: I had lost 45ish pounds here lately. If I could just duplicate that, I would be in onederland!!!! Duh-- let's do this!!!!! Its doable.
Thursday, November 08, 2012
I have mentioned before and even put it on my homepage that for the first time ever in my life, I want to become a runner. Even if it is just for 5k distances. So, I *think* I have decided that I will start a couch to 5k program when I hit the 50 pound mark. I know, some would say why wait? Why not start now?
And really, I probably could. So, maybe its just an excuse to not do it, maybe I am scared of failure. Maybe I am lazy.Who knows.
I did try to run one other time because my friend wanted me to run with her. She wanted me to keep up with her and I did pretty good. The problem is I weighed about 140-150 pounds more than her. I was carrying the weight of a whole other person her size. That is kind of like her picking herself up and carrying around our course. We all know even carrying a sack of potatoes or a small child would be hard to do while running a distance so.... I was suprised that I actually kept up with her. At least I did as far as speed for a certain distance. She could have gone maybe 15 seconds further than me, but realative for our sizes I did pretty good. then, I started getting horrible shin splints. I thought I had had some before but boy was I wrong. When I experienced them for real-holy moly it was bad.
So, part of me think that was partially because of the weight. I know there are some people that might weigh whatI did and run but I couldn't. I am sure other factors played in and probably was more of an issue like doing too much, too far, too fast too soon. Lesson learned, but I still for some STRANGE reason want to be a runner.
This is why I have decided to start running at 50 lost. I should be pretty close to that, hopefully. As long as the old triple beam scale at work is still weighing me at the same difference as it has been from my digital all a long. I will know today at my Dr. appointment. The thing is, I have decided to view it as a "reward" for 50 pounds lost instead of a "goal". I am going to reward myself with starting a program that I want to do when I hit that mark. I don't really have any reward system in place like some do, although I would like to. There just really isn't a whole lot of things I want that don't cost money that I am willing to spend on myself. The things I really want are: a cute haircut and color, but I want to have a thinner face to really do what I want, so hold ing off on this one even tho this one wouldn't be hugely costly; I want more tattoos-I actually know 2 that I for sure want but can't justify that right before Christmas when I have 25 people to but gifts for; I really want a nice camera which is also a really strange thing for me to want, like running-I don't want one that is as much as some have like $1000 or more, but I think I do want one that is around $500ish, again not willing to spend right now. So, there you have it. I think I will get the cheaper tattoo when I get to whatever 10 pound step is next in January. It is going to be in a place that I don't think will really be affected by weight loss. Plus, Christmas will be bought and paid for by then. No guilt for spending on me or shorting anyone else. I will just see from there. The haircut will prob be next. Then maybe the camera because there will be a lot to photograph next summer and will hopefully be at around 100 lost by then so the camera sounds pretty good for that. I keep telling myself the other tatt will be at my final goal but I don't really know what that will be and 100 might be pretty close and realistic for me at my height, age and lifestyle. So who knows, maybe at 199 (onederland) be the camera and goal even if thats 100 lost and only 5 ish more after onederland the tatt. Who cares if they are close together because i have not rewarded myself with monetary things for the whole first 60 at least and will probably*hopefully* be closer to 70-75. So whatever that was a long blab about pretty much nothing lol but....
my REWARD to myself at 50 will be starting to become a runner
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I am almost 6 months into my journey with SP. I am 40 pounds down from my highest weight. I said in one of my first blogs, or maybe it was on my home page, that every year I say I am going to lose weight and I think "I have around 100 pounds to lose and that will take about a year or so. Oh, thats so far away." Then a year passes and I look back and think "I could be so close to my goal right now. If only I would have started then." Shortly after I started SP, I can a cross a spark friend whose heading on her page said "You may look back in a year and wish you started today." or something to that matter. That sums up how I feel each passing year in one sentence. I wrote than on my mirror with lipstick where I would see it relatively often and put the date there too. For the first time, I am looking back after only 6 months and I can say I am doing something different this year. Sure, I had a LONG plateau that was frustrating but I am proud because I did not let it completely derail me. 40 pounds is not great for the time I have been at this (Iactually started before I found SP) but it is better that not losing anything. And, even if it takes 6 or 7 months to lose the next 40, I will be at -80ish pounds in a year. That is awesome to me. I feel like I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I still have so far to go, but today I am celebrating how far I have come and that next year I don't have to say I wasted another year not changing anything!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
This probably should have just been a journal entry but for some reason I decided to make it a blog.. and it may end up REALLY LONG.
When I was sixteen I started "going out with" my first boyfriend PJ. I spent 3 years of my life on him. I missed out on so much when I was with him and hurt several relationships in my life then. He cheated on me over and over. He was not a good guy. He had a rough upbringing and maybe I felt like he needed a decent family in his life. I did things that I didn't agree with when I was with him.
When we were together I was in a size 12 probably. I was probably considered overweight bit was healthy and happy with my friends. When we first met, it was over the phone through a friend. We talked a lot and started to like each other, sight unseen. We finally met in person at the skating rink. There was instant attraction (which looking back now I wonder what I was thinking). The like we had on the phone carried over into a real relationship. We were awesome for the first few months. I don't even know when it changed. He cheated on me time and time again. Always cheated with a younger girl and skinnier and in my head prettier.
So, what did this do to me? Well, I always felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc-naturally. But then, He would come begging back saying that he made a mistake and that I was what he really wanted and he didn't know what he was thinking, he loved me. So, I would feel better thinking maybe I am good enough. Then. low and behold, he would find someone else. So, after this happening over and over for 3 years, I had absolutely no self esteem left. I wanted to know why I wan't good enough.
Now, believe me when I tell you that I KNOW in my head that This is not true. HE was the one with the problem. It wasn't me. But, I was young and impressionable, and it ruined me. After a series of other events with him, including him cheating on me with his ex-stepsister (I know wierd) and the death of a very close friend in a car wreck, having to call and beg my parents to move back in with them, I was done with him but the damage was done too.
I lost about 30 pounds by walking 5 miles a day. I was in a size 5 jeans and looked "hot" I guess. I got a lot of attention from guys, really good looking ones. Although at the time, I thought I was happy about this, I was actually degrading myself. And, although at the time it was subcontious, I was trying to justify myself-make myself worthy of a guys love and affection. I was horrible to myself and horrible to one boyfriend in particular. I have, just recently hunted him down (I tried several times in the past but didn't succeed til a couple months ago) and apologized. He said it was no big deal, but I wanted him to know that I acknowledged how horrible I was.
I am married now to a man who loves me the way I am, thankfully. I have 3 beautiful kids. I have a decent home and nice cars. My husband and I have good jobs and family and friends. I have so mucg to be thankful for but I have no self-worth. When someone compliments me I can't accept it. I have 'made' myself learn to say thanks and go on instead of arguing that it weren't true. I read somewhere that it was rude to do that lol. I know where this originates but man, knowing it in your head does not mean you know it in your heart and can let it go and heal.
The last time I saw PJ in person my stomach just turned and I instantly became nauseus. This was after a year or so not seeing or talking to him. He came in to the place I worked and tried to talk to me but I just walked away. A couple of my friends and my sister have seen him since and mentioned they saw him. I don't think about him often except when I think about why I feel the way I do about myself.
Well, I don't know what even made me take this path, but I searched for him on FB. I think I did this one other time and did not find him ,but this time I did. I noticed he is still living a pretty rough life although not as bad as it could be. And, why I don't know, I sent him a message. The first one was to verify it was him because his profile said Paul (PJ stood for Paul Jason) so the message just said PJ? He replied and said yes and asked how I am.
What I really wanted to do was just freak out on him and tell him how badly he has hurt me. Do I want to give him that satisfaction that I still have let him affect me for 15 years? I think I want him to say he is sorry. I am sure he wouldn't. The thing is, I responded by saying I am pretty good and asked how he was. I did this because I am me and I can't stay mad at anyone. I really want some closure. I want to heal. But really, will this help. Should I have just stayed away. Should I say something to him to let him know he hurt me, looking for an apology. Why can't he just own up to his actions like I can. Has he just lived his life like our relationship ever happened? Why can he just treat someone the way he did(believe me spared a lot of details) and just go on like nothing ever happened? I know life isn't fair but its not fair *stomping my feet*
The hurt I have has carried into my marriage and relationships that I live now. Why can't he be the one to hurt. I don't know that I really even feel like I want him to hurt or feel guilty. I don't think I am capable of feeling that way really. I just want him to acknowledge that I was a good girlfriend and person and didn't deserve to be treated that way. I guess maybe I want him to feel remorseful? Even if he does feel this way, does it help me? I have learned through some other situations in lie that forgiveness is a lot more a matter of ones own heart than that of an actual actioin to another person. Holding onto that grudge does more damage to the person not forgiving than to the one who did the wrongdoing. So, do I need to actual say anything about it to him to forgive him? Sometime I want to just say what I want and get it out, but will it really help? I just want to be able to move on and love myself and love my husband fully. I sometimes feel like I hold all this against him. Ugh
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