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Kickboxing Class and Tobor stuff

Thursday, July 22, 2010

So I have found a way to get cardio in. They have a kickboxing class starting next month that will take place every Monday and Wednesday. Its only $36 a month which I feel isnt to bad. I really want to start something now. But it doesnt start till the first week of August. Im hoping it will be something I enjoy doing. Im planning on doing that for a few month till I am phyically more fit then I would like to add pole dancing. Hahaha, sounds funny but sounds fun too!! Its more expensive and I wonder if I will be able to afford it. I have low self esteem and dont EVER feel sexy. Maybe it will help. :)

I also am so proud I made it through week one!! And I lost 4 lbs!!!! Im hoping I can continue this.

So today there has been some things Im upset about. My children dad is kind of selfish. We had a counseling session scheduled for yesterday (Imago Therpy) but he told me he didnt want to go and that he couldn't afford it. Now to today. I just taled to him on the phone and he wants to fly to Chicago next weekend to hang out with a friend while his son graduates boot camp. Im very hurt for two reasons. 1. He just told me the day before he didnt have money. 2. While I was with him I have always tried to go on little weekend trips. But he said we could never afford it. So we never did anything as a family. He still confusses me. He says he loves me so much and wants me to move back in. But at the same time if you loved someone so much wouldn't you try and make thing better between us? I just dont get it. Im hurting inside so much. :(


Am I losing for me or for him???

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Now I now Im losing weight for me. But part of me wants Tobor to look at me like I am beautiful and one HOT momma. Which he doesn't now. Its been a few years since he ever said anything positive about my looks. I know looks souldnt be important. But come on all us girls need to hear how good we look sometimes. Its helps with our self esteem.

I gained a lot of weight with my first pregnancy. And while pregnant Tobor did too. He has lost about 25 lbs in the last year. He will need to lose about 25 more to be were he was when we met 6 years ago. He was very good looking then and I still think he is good looking now. And yes I do tell him this.

As of right now Tobor and I do not live together. We seperated a couple months ago. Because he was to envolved with his work and kind of forgot about us. I do understand his reasoning though. In this economy he could lose his job any minute. I thought by leaving he would beg for me to come back. He didn't. Even though I love him very much and he loves me too. Im confused on what he wants.

We talked today and I might be breaking my lease to move back in with him. But not for the right reasons. I was living in a house with my twin sister and her son and another roommate with her son. My sister lost her job and I just cant pay her way. I am a SAHM who works in the home providing care for other children I watch. Which I make very little. But I do it to be the one to raise my own children. Which in away sometimes surprises me why Im not thinner. I am on my feet a lot with 2 babies and 4 little kids. I definitly have my hands full. And there are days I think it would just be so much easier to put on own children in daycare and go outside the home to work...so anyway back on topic. Im moving back in with him because I can no longer afford to live on my own. I set up a counseling session with a Imago theripst for next week. To help us with our issues which we both want to work on. When I told him about this he asked that I cancel it. That he cant afford it right now...which is completely not true he makes better then average money right now. I even offered to pay half of it. Even though I cant afford it either. I guess electric bill will have to wait right? So anyway when he told me to cancel it it kind of confussed me. Does he want us to work or not???? Thats something I need to figure out. And soon...