I am HERE!

Friday, May 21, 2010

I asked for help from SP and you came! You are wonderful. Thank you is not enough words. I am out of the bad place already. It did take 2 days but I feel calm and centered again.

So, this weekend is a busy guest weekend and I am about half done the preparation of the house. The front yard is looking amazing and several people have commented. Who KNEW I could be a gardener? LOL

I have also done a difficult step for my daughter. For Christmas we want to visit my DH's family in northern BC. I was able to book business class for her some of the way but the little planes up North usually have small seats which would be uncomfortable both for her and anyone beside her. So... I contacted the airline and am in the process of filling out forms so she can get a reduced rate second seat for those parts of the flight. I hope it all goes through. It is hard to admit she is that big but I know I was uncomfortable when I weighed less than her and I want everyone to have a good time.

I have now completed 2 zumba classes and a body flow. I lost another pound despite eating popcorn and smarties at the movies yesterday (part of my blue mood and part just because). I know, I know... it takes another day for it to register on the scale. Hopefully my veggie full meals lately will compensate for one treat day. My doctor called and wants to see me about my last blood work. AC1? or cholesterol? or something else? Hmmm. My blood sugars have been pretty good so I don't think that is it. Thankfully she is on top of things.

Anyway, I am back to being myself and am breathing a sigh of gratefullness that it didn't last longer. Got to run and clean clean clean! Hugs to you all.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINJEN48 5/21/2010 9:54PM

Welcome back to the good life. I wish I could see your garden. I could use a visit like you had with your friend. I know just enough to be dangerous, Report Inappropriate Comment

FLUTTER-BY)L( 5/21/2010 3:10PM

So glad to hear you are feeling better. Have a great weekend. Report Inappropriate Comment

CHAS1949 5/21/2010 2:55PM

I'm glad you are better today!! I know how hard it is to get back on track. I am also getting there... Report Inappropriate Comment

The dark place

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I was triggered today and found myself in a dark place. Once upon a time I didn't like myself much. I don't think I was a very nice person either. I had an eating disorder and very bad body image. But with therapy, overeater's anonymous, lots of love and patience I became a new person. I can't say how long that process was... but decades. I sort of thought the dark place was non existant any more. However I went to a gym and a comment about how I looked threw me right back into the old pit. It was soooo very painful and horrible. I hated not being able to stop myself from falling in and I hated not remembering how to get out. It took hours, tears, sleep, and then pushing myself to get active and then being able to talk with my DH. It was traumatic. How did I live like that for so many years? The self hatred, the feeling like I was being judged by everyone? The desire to hide or push people away for fear of being hurt? I still feel shaky. Still feel like I have been physically traumatized. But I'm free of the pit now. My DH said how proud he is of me but I'm not sure exactly how it happened. Either the falling in, or the getting out. It helped so much knowing that the "real world" is not like that. That even though I was feeling like the old person, really I was someone else. Yet while I was there it seemed like another dimension. I am not sure I am even ready to look myself in the mirror. It shook my confidence. But... I have not turned to food and I have not kept it inside. I am 218 pounds and that is good. I am beautiful and sexy and have accomplished sooo much physically in the past few years. I will not let this push me backwards. I will just keep saying this until I believe it again. Sigh.... I can't wait till the dark place is out of sight.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 5/21/2010 2:32PM

I read all these comments and feel.... amazed. You are all so supportive and such good friends. I don't even want to go back to the details because it is not worth my time or thought. It did take me 2 days to get back to myself...but hey HERE I AM! Thank you for getting me through the dark place. I feel good about myself again. Thank you, thank you. This was a big thing for me. Report Inappropriate Comment

ALICOTTER 5/20/2010 12:57PM

Know you are not alone. There are alot of us who have been there done that. You have a lot of Spar friends here. You are a wonderful perosn. And remember I have meet you in person and not just on line. We all have now days, if is the times we pull ourself out that count. A wise person once said. Fall down 7 times get up 8. Report Inappropriate Comment

CHAS1949 5/20/2010 12:18PM

I'm glad you shared that today. I am in a very dark place right now and your blog helped me to see that it needs to go away. I know how much effort it will take and I have been hiding from the truth. I hope to be as strong as you are. Thanks for giving part of you to us. chas Report Inappropriate Comment

ARCHIMEDESII 5/20/2010 11:53AM

Gosh, what did that dreadful person say ? Whatever they said, it was totally thoughtless. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today. You are a stronger person. You are in a better place than you were before. Whatever that person said is not a reflection of the real you. It's a reflection of that person's own poor behavior. Some folks really do need to mind their own business. So, pay them no heed. Listen to your hubby. There is an opinion that matters more than some nobody from the gym. So, hang in there. I know is seems hard now, but things will continue to improve. You've made great strides and should be proud of all your accomplishments ! Here's a little sunshine for you ! -- karen Report Inappropriate Comment

ANNE7X7 5/20/2010 11:39AM

This blog broke my heart! When I saw you at the Ottawa Meet and Greet, my first thought was "Wow. She is even more beautiful in person than in her pictures! She radiates life!!". Your shining personality and positive attitude is so refreshing!! Never forget that you are an amazing, strong and beautiful woman!! No matter what people say, they cannot change that about you!! Keep your head up high, cause you should be SOOO proud of yourself!! Report Inappropriate Comment

EDWARDS1411 5/20/2010 11:33AM

"I am beautiful and sexy and have accomplished sooo much physically in the past few years..." and you are continuing to move forward not backward - best of all you didn't resort to eating to smother your hurt feelings - woohoo girl!!! I often think that those who say hurtful things are unhappy inside and want to spread their misery. You're doing so well don't let some mean-spirited person discourage you! YOU ARE DOING IT GIRL!!! Report Inappropriate Comment

LINJEN48 5/20/2010 10:46AM

People can say things that hurt others because they are unsure of themselves. There attack before they are attacked. Just remember that you are a vital piece in the puzzle of life and others appreciate you for who you are not what you are! You have done great and wonderful things! Report Inappropriate Comment

1888MICHELLE 5/20/2010 7:58AM

Crap. What the hell did they say? Never mind. It doesn't matter. You ARE beautiful AND sexy AND fun AND intelligent AND warm AND wonderful AND love by friends and family AND your DH thinks you are hot!! Whoever said that nasty piece of trash is probably jealous!!! You got it going on girlfriend!! Want me to go beat them up? Report Inappropriate Comment

PEACEFORLAURA 5/20/2010 12:15AM

Your not alone. When I read your blog, it was like I was reading about me. Im looking forward to completing my member tools, so I can post on the message board. thank you for your honesty and strength, and your awsome courage. take care and thanks I know I could be alot of help to you, as well as I need the support of this wonderful site I have joined. Im ready to learn to like who I am. Ive been living with my own self-hatred for too tooo long. Im ready to come out of my shell, and break down the wall. Comment edited on: 5/20/2010 12:16:29 AM Report Inappropriate Comment

It helps to have a vision.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

In my garden I have not had a clue what to do. I have no experience and am learning by trial and error. A lot of work. On Sunday a friend came over and walked around my property with me, pointing out good plants, ones that are "weeds" in how they choke out the others, which ones were wrongly planted in sun or shade, and made suggestions about taking out uninteresting bushes. She also gave me some time saving suggestions for how to weed and prevent weeds.

I could not believe how inspiring this was. It helps to have a vision, a mentor, someone who has gone before me and learned the hard way and now is willing to share her experience.

Today I sat thinking about this. My weight journey is no different from my gardening experience. I am struggling along and making progress but it is at times frustrating, slow and I really wonder if I am doing the right things or doing them the easiest way. So when my DD asked me if I wanted to go to the Goodlife Body flow class with her, I said YES! I did the class and even asked some questions afterwards. Just like my garden it is so much easier to have a vision. I enjoy working out and planning my food on my own. But doing the class helped me see that I need to work on balance and flexibilitiy and that I do in fact have good abs and arm strength.

The other thing that happened is my sister is going to start eating gluten free, vegan, raw. I really wanted to help with this so I found some recipes on SP, went and bought her some startup supplies and then made us lunch here. I realized I am not ready to eat this way but I could really see some ways to add more healthy foods to my diet.

We don't have to go it alone. And sometimes other people can give us a perspective we didn't have before. I don't love classes but I should not rule them out. And I can continue to try various foods and see how I feel eating them. I am aiming for a healthier, happier me and who knows what that is going to look like!

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEACEFORLAURA 5/20/2010 12:26AM

Good for you. Keep up all the good work. I myself have no idea how to have a garden. Its great you have somthing you love to do. Im working on taking care of me for the first time . Im great at taking care of others, but not myself. Im ready to be my own best friend. Ive always leaned on my daughter for finding self-eestem. I know Im a good mother, but I need to be good to me, so I can be a better healthy confident mother, and woman. Ive been a certified nursing assistant since I was 20 years old. I started as a nursing assistant when I was 16 years old. I've been doing it ever since. I know Id make a good nurse, but didnt go to college. Maybe theirs still time. Baby-steps, is whats keeping me from falling. Thanks for listening. Take care Laura Report Inappropriate Comment

CHAS1949 5/18/2010 1:09PM

Gardening is exactly the same for me...I'm clueless. Sparking, however, is really helping in the fitness, health, and personal growth areas of my life. Report Inappropriate Comment

LINJEN48 5/18/2010 11:46AM

Report Inappropriate Comment

1888MICHELLE 5/18/2010 8:26AM

Nice analogy!! Our lives are like gardens...we can choose to grow beautiful things that enhance our relations and outlook, or ugly things that do nothing to make life better. Weeds can be tricky...sometimes they can be beautiful, and if we don't know better, we may cultivate them. In the end they can take over and make are gardens and lives unhealthy, unhappy, and ugly. Report Inappropriate Comment

I could NEVER have done this!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I have been working on the front patio which is interlock brick. Had to remove the bricks to see what was underneath and see what was making the bricks heave each spring. Sure enough no gravel.. just stone dust. So I got a big pile of gravel delivered, removed the rest of the bricks and then started digging, moving the stone dust onto the driveway. Good so far but had to be careful because under the stone dust is wet clay, better known as gumbo. I filled half with gravel packing the stone down by jumping on it (advantages to my weight) every few inches. Funny thing was in the middle of my project the ground never packed. It just moved as though there was a balloon below it. I slept on this thought. One problem with the brick was there was not proper drainage so if the spring runoff went down there into the clay there would be nowhere for the water to go. Hence the gumbo. Made sense. This morning I resumed digging the other half. Down down down but this side I did not get as deep before I hit gumbo. Hmmm... And this is the side I wanted to slope the runnoff towards. I dug a bit more. Wet. Very wet clay. Hubby came out and dug deeper. Now rocks dripping. OK, not good at all. My mind went crazy with what might be the cause. An underground stream? I looked at the location of our well... oh no! Smack dab between the well and the house. Hubby dug a little further and found a pipe. I held my breath. He dug around it and we agreed that the exposed pipe and hole would have to dry out. He also deduced it might be the sump pump pipe.

So... I did other things today. And it occured to me that the old me could not have left this alone. I would have fretted about it. Plus I did a lot of hard labour the past few days digging, moving wheelbarrows of stuff around, moving bricks. Sore, yes. But able to work the next day! I could never have done this a few years ago... maybe even a few months ago.

Tonight when hubby came home we dug, ran water and eventually found a leak in the sump pump hose. Hallellua! Now my nephew are hubby are fixing it and my nephew has been hired to fill the hole back in afterwards. I will be up to the brick work later but we will not have it done before our next guests arrive. The old me would have seen no alternative but to work all night (rain coming and bugs out) to get it done. The new me, much calmer, has decided we can put a piece of board over the stone dust to protect the guests' feet and finish it Sunday.

The weight did something to my mind. Or maybe the discipline of getting healthy has changed me. I don't know but I am very grateful for the new sense of patience I have found and very grateful for this new capable body.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LINJEN48 5/14/2010 9:11AM

that was great. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let others do it! Report Inappropriate Comment

1888MICHELLE 5/14/2010 8:17AM

I am so proud of you!!! You are more and more the woman you've been hiding. Report Inappropriate Comment

MCOGHLAN 5/13/2010 7:38PM

I so wish I could find that patience and serenity. The weight may be coming off but maybe my mental perspective hasn't changed yet. That really gives me something to think about. Thanks Report Inappropriate Comment

LIFECHANGE29 5/13/2010 6:32PM

That is awesome! I really feel encouraged when I read this. Keep up the good work! Report Inappropriate Comment

Doing what is front of me... and having a list

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Today is a combination of activities. I have a lot to do so have made a list this morning of realistic goals and am plodding through it.

I find I am easily distracted so I am saying what I am working on out loud. Don't know if it helps because I don't always listen, lol. It is not much of a "me" day but on the list is doing 20 minutes of activity after lunch. I am also making plans with my DD's to walk some Rideau Trail. Boring blog... sorry.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEACEFORLAURA 5/20/2010 12:32AM

I find myself easily distracted too. I liked your blog. you should feel good about sharing your feelings ,. Its a great start. Im new , hope to get to know how all this works. Im so happy ive found this site. Its nice to hear other peoples journey. I dont feel so alone. Thank you chat to you soon. Laura Report Inappropriate Comment

CHAS1949 5/13/2010 4:23PM

You are doing stuff!! Thats not boring! Report Inappropriate Comment

LINJEN48 5/12/2010 9:51PM

Your doing it and that's good Report Inappropriate Comment

1888MICHELLE 5/12/2010 12:22PM

no worries....whatever works!!! Can't always be the life of the party!! LOL Report Inappropriate Comment

DCLAXTON43 5/12/2010 11:16AM

Hey...Not a boring blog at all....I am a list person also...I also had to forego my walk until lunch today...but I WILL squeeze it in!! Have a great day! Report Inappropriate Comment