Thursday, May 20, 2010
I was triggered today and found myself in a dark place. Once upon a time I didn't like myself much. I don't think I was a very nice person either. I had an eating disorder and very bad body image. But with therapy, overeater's anonymous, lots of love and patience I became a new person. I can't say how long that process was... but decades. I sort of thought the dark place was non existant any more. However I went to a gym and a comment about how I looked threw me right back into the old pit. It was soooo very painful and horrible. I hated not being able to stop myself from falling in and I hated not remembering how to get out. It took hours, tears, sleep, and then pushing myself to get active and then being able to talk with my DH. It was traumatic. How did I live like that for so many years? The self hatred, the feeling like I was being judged by everyone? The desire to hide or push people away for fear of being hurt? I still feel shaky. Still feel like I have been physically traumatized. But I'm free of the pit now. My DH said how proud he is of me but I'm not sure exactly how it happened. Either the falling in, or the getting out. It helped so much knowing that the "real world" is not like that. That even though I was feeling like the old person, really I was someone else. Yet while I was there it seemed like another dimension. I am not sure I am even ready to look myself in the mirror. It shook my confidence. But... I have not turned to food and I have not kept it inside. I am 218 pounds and that is good. I am beautiful and sexy and have accomplished sooo much physically in the past few years. I will not let this push me backwards. I will just keep saying this until I believe it again. Sigh.... I can't wait till the dark place is out of sight.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
In my garden I have not had a clue what to do. I have no experience and am learning by trial and error. A lot of work. On Sunday a friend came over and walked around my property with me, pointing out good plants, ones that are "weeds" in how they choke out the others, which ones were wrongly planted in sun or shade, and made suggestions about taking out uninteresting bushes. She also gave me some time saving suggestions for how to weed and prevent weeds.
I could not believe how inspiring this was. It helps to have a vision, a mentor, someone who has gone before me and learned the hard way and now is willing to share her experience.
Today I sat thinking about this. My weight journey is no different from my gardening experience. I am struggling along and making progress but it is at times frustrating, slow and I really wonder if I am doing the right things or doing them the easiest way. So when my DD asked me if I wanted to go to the Goodlife Body flow class with her, I said YES! I did the class and even asked some questions afterwards. Just like my garden it is so much easier to have a vision. I enjoy working out and planning my food on my own. But doing the class helped me see that I need to work on balance and flexibilitiy and that I do in fact have good abs and arm strength.
The other thing that happened is my sister is going to start eating gluten free, vegan, raw. I really wanted to help with this so I found some recipes on SP, went and bought her some startup supplies and then made us lunch here. I realized I am not ready to eat this way but I could really see some ways to add more healthy foods to my diet.
We don't have to go it alone. And sometimes other people can give us a perspective we didn't have before. I don't love classes but I should not rule them out. And I can continue to try various foods and see how I feel eating them. I am aiming for a healthier, happier me and who knows what that is going to look like!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I have been working on the front patio which is interlock brick. Had to remove the bricks to see what was underneath and see what was making the bricks heave each spring. Sure enough no gravel.. just stone dust. So I got a big pile of gravel delivered, removed the rest of the bricks and then started digging, moving the stone dust onto the driveway. Good so far but had to be careful because under the stone dust is wet clay, better known as gumbo. I filled half with gravel packing the stone down by jumping on it (advantages to my weight) every few inches. Funny thing was in the middle of my project the ground never packed. It just moved as though there was a balloon below it. I slept on this thought. One problem with the brick was there was not proper drainage so if the spring runoff went down there into the clay there would be nowhere for the water to go. Hence the gumbo. Made sense. This morning I resumed digging the other half. Down down down but this side I did not get as deep before I hit gumbo. Hmmm... And this is the side I wanted to slope the runnoff towards. I dug a bit more. Wet. Very wet clay. Hubby came out and dug deeper. Now rocks dripping. OK, not good at all. My mind went crazy with what might be the cause. An underground stream? I looked at the location of our well... oh no! Smack dab between the well and the house. Hubby dug a little further and found a pipe. I held my breath. He dug around it and we agreed that the exposed pipe and hole would have to dry out. He also deduced it might be the sump pump pipe.
So... I did other things today. And it occured to me that the old me could not have left this alone. I would have fretted about it. Plus I did a lot of hard labour the past few days digging, moving wheelbarrows of stuff around, moving bricks. Sore, yes. But able to work the next day! I could never have done this a few years ago... maybe even a few months ago.
Tonight when hubby came home we dug, ran water and eventually found a leak in the sump pump hose. Hallellua! Now my nephew are hubby are fixing it and my nephew has been hired to fill the hole back in afterwards. I will be up to the brick work later but we will not have it done before our next guests arrive. The old me would have seen no alternative but to work all night (rain coming and bugs out) to get it done. The new me, much calmer, has decided we can put a piece of board over the stone dust to protect the guests' feet and finish it Sunday.
The weight did something to my mind. Or maybe the discipline of getting healthy has changed me. I don't know but I am very grateful for the new sense of patience I have found and very grateful for this new capable body.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Today is a combination of activities. I have a lot to do so have made a list this morning of realistic goals and am plodding through it.
I find I am easily distracted so I am saying what I am working on out loud. Don't know if it helps because I don't always listen, lol. It is not much of a "me" day but on the list is doing 20 minutes of activity after lunch. I am also making plans with my DD's to walk some Rideau Trail. Boring blog... sorry.
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