Monday, March 10, 2014
(Continueing with my ananolgy of being on a train/staying on track). The Biggest Loser Challenge for 10 weeks starts Thursday so yesteday was about telling people that I will be on board on how to help me stay on board.
I don't count on people supporting me. I have almost always had to do tough things on my own. I have almost always thought that my weight gain was my fault so it's my responsibility to take the weight off. I have also felt the guilt, the shame, the overwhelming frustration and feelings of hopelessness with failures. It's why I used to keep my diets secret. I say that but it was both so people would not judge me when I failed or for not doing it their way or have expectations of me... but also so I could have an escape hatch. I wanted my food. I wanted my fix. I wanted to go back to the comfort behaviours I knew had kept me alive. All that while I also wanted to succeed.
This challenge I am telling people. I am on several teams and have voiced my concerns and fears. I don't expect perfectionism from myself but that does not mean those behaviours won't try and take over. I expect tantrums though I hope to work through them. I expect slips but I hope they are few and far between. The preparations for this "train trip" included being very clear with myself what it means when I am on the train. That includes how I will be eating and the types of activities. So I'm trying to let my family know. Some will be doing some meal preparation while I'm doing the ten weeks. I have always found time with friends and family to be a good reward... so I've invited them to board the train any time they wish rather than tempt me to get off. Certan teams I am on are part of my tool kit I'm taking with me. The Woo Hoo team is where I can share successes. I NEED successes and have decided an attitude of gratitude is what fuels the train, NOT perfectionism. My evening sabatoge team has a thread I can commit each segment of my journey and be accountable. My Ottawa team will be starting a writing diet meet up which will help me stay true to myself and my goals. And of course my BLC team which will challenge me and make me step outside my comfort zones and GROW during this challenge.
I used to try and do this alone. I no longer see this as a battle of willpower. I recognize that I have a disease. These are my "treatments" towards getting healthy. Health is my destination. No one has expectations of me or will judge. They are all people who understand how hard this is and will support me. They know things may change as I change. Fall down six times but get up seven... and their hands will be ready to get me back on my feet. I don't feel like I have to cook my meals separately. This is not a diet. It is healthy eating. So my family are OK eating what is there or getting what they need themselves. It's only ten weeks. Yet... I know they know that these ten weeks could change things for us. It has happened before. For the most part they like the new me. I'm less stressed, more balanced. I have more energy and seek out time with them. It can't be easy for them though, knowing that these challenges change me. There is an unknown involved.
These challenges take time but the time will pass. I can do this. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!