Sunday, June 30, 2013
So...I went to a major tourism spot this past week. I had my cousin with me who is in shape and me who is plumper than plump. I went to a bar only to be passed up when I patiently waited (not the first time this happened) and my cousin got to see a part of my world.
The world where people are mean to a FAT woman. I got the stares, the snickers and yes people even the oink noises. I got to hear "THE BIG LADY" as I was making my way from point A to point B. And while my cousin often thought I exgerrated how mean people are to me because I'm FAT she said by the second night "OMG you are right, I always thought you were exgerrating".
A week and half into our trip I got to hear how she should have dated more because "RICH MEN, VERY RICH MEN" would ask her out because of her looks. Okay, fine. I can deal with that. Then it went on and on and on...No, she doesn't live in poverty and we both have nice families.
One night I got drunk. She made it a point to tell me each and every man that hit on her before me (trust me, not many hit on me maybe 2 at the most). I feel as if she couldn't even let me have that. Am I wrong?
I don't know. I cried privately, sometimes in the shower. By the end of our stay (even before that) I was ready to go home and take a guess...That's right! HIDE IN MY HOUSE AWAY FROM EVERYONE!
I wasn't always overweight. I have realized how much different it is getting treated by people when I'm normal weight vs. morbidly obese. I'm sure you can guess one I prefer.
I know that NOT everyone...
1) Is a bartender that passes up a fat person when they have been waiting. No, I'm not mistaking. All sitting at a bar. Bartender saw my cousin and I talking and literrally walked right passed us to see what the pretty girls wanted that JUST WALKED UP. (THEY CAME UP RIGHT BY US)
2) Will make a FAT person wait forever to be seated when going to a sit down restraunt. Yes, oh yes (Not the good kind of Oh Yes either). At some point and time I just told her to go ahead of me and Ill come in a few minutes --so we would get seated faster. This wasn't only with sit down restraunts but also GETTING DIRECTIONS.
3) Will stare, snicker and make rude comments. EXAMPLE: BY THE BIG LADY.
OR PIG NOISES
So other then the mean people it was fine. But then my cousin started to make me feel bad. I was like WTH?! I got to hear this and that. I got to hear how she doesn't get enough of whatever..she is able to do so much more than me (money wise). As I think about it now, it makes me not want to go again. I don't know if I am overreacting.
I got filled with feeling a elephant, being criticized then wondering if my cousin and I are close as I thought. I don't have any friends, I never go out and I am miserable.
Since I came home things have got better for me health wise. I still feel anxiety and I have always been shy. It's not easy for me to make friends or to get to know other people. I wish it was different.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Lol, the only form of inspiration I have in the morning (for losing weight) are the emails I get about the articles on SP. I had just about all given up, hadn't logged on SP for who know how long, then I saw the blog with the "Fat Girl" link. The inspiring story about the Fat Girl running and how she is truly an inspiration. Today, I checked my email on my phone and found another inspiring link. So I guess it's time to put change my mind set, work on my self-esteem and remember I am worth it.
I have tried many things - except for the few things that will actually work. Working out x 3 times a week, etc. etc. I think we all know what I am talking about. I need to work on my mind set more than anything. I believe I am my biggest enemy (was that a SP article?) when it comes to losing weight. So, yes, I do need to work on my workouts, my rountines, etc. etc.; however, I also need to work on how I view myself (other than weight).
So now, I will get off the computer and do some stuff that needs to get done. I will start to like myself, because in 3 or 5 years from now I don't want to be the same weight, have the low self esteem, and keep from finishing things because I am to scared - or lazy
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I worked out this morning again with my husband. Later, I decided to go by Jack In the Box...I've already gone over my calories for today. Ah well stuff happens, all I can do is try to do my best for the rest of the day. A few more pounds lost and I'll be back at the point when I signed up for SP.
As of today I'm 253.5
When I first signed up on this account I put in 250lbs.
I was up to 260 so I'm pretty happy. Even so, it's a long way to go. I'm sure it will be worth it.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I did Power 90 today with my husband. It felt good, I had forgot how much I enjoyed working out with him. It was tough...I need to figure out a few things her and there. The sensor to the Wii came today so I can weigh myself tomorrow.
I was looking at myself in the mirror earlier, wishing I would have started (and succeeded) on losing weight in the past. My stretch marks are awful and I do have a few skin tags.
I plan on buying clear nail polish soon. I read that it suffocates the skin tag, making it fall off. I hope it works. They are so gross and sooo painful to just "cut" off.
Anyways, yay for me working out! We plan to do it tomorrow too. I can't say I'll do the entire program (we have had it for more than couple years) but I can say I made improvement today. And that's something worth noting.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Here is the spark that I just got today. I don't what caused it. Or how long it is. But it's her now and that's what matters. Forgot the past diets I have tried. Forget how many times I have previously tried to lose weight and FAILED. I will laugh at that and just shrug it off my shoulder.
I will succeed this time. I will do it this time. And if I fall off, I will get right back up. I will ignore the negative comments from my family. The nasty fat jokes may still hurt and yes, I'm scared to death of excess skin.
I know I can't change over night, I know it's going to be a long, hard and exhausting rode ahead of me; however, I am ready. I am ready to become the mom I want to be, the strong self assured/confident person, and the nice looking wife. It's my whatever time with SP, but this time it's going to different. This time it's going to tough. This time I will lose the weight.
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