Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I've had a rough couple of weeks so I've been pretty scarce. I miss all of you when I'm gone, but I also know that I have limits and I can't do it all. I've been pretty much underwater at work, and I've got a ton of non-work work to get done as well. Errands to run, phone calls to make, rec teams to sign the little guy up for, groceries to buy and laundry to wash... All those little things that make a household run - there have been more than one night in the last couple weeks that I've been on the go from a little before 6 am until after 9 o'clock at night. Then I was out of town last weekend, and will be again this weekend. It feels like I just can't get a breath, but I know that next week I'll finally have some down time. It's spring break for me, the boy will be with my folks for a few days and hubby will be at work. I am going to take one day to do absolutely nothing - go for a walk and watch some tv and that's it. The other days I will try to get some "stuff" done, but I need a day to just not do.
The new car is great, but I still have to find a new home for the old one. I can't really sell it because of the known transmission problems, but I don't want to scrap it because it really could run for a good long time yet. I don't have anyone to give it to either. Last week my mechanic said he might buy it for a few hundred which would have been perfect, but that fell through. It's not a huge deal, but I need to get rid of it before the tags expire at the end of the month which is coming at me speedy fast.
I had parent/teacher conferences tonight. As much as I enjoy the chance to talk to parents, it's also stressful. Tonight was nice though because I didn't have any confrontational conferences. Even the challenging ones were relatively friendly - and that's not always the case. Tomorrow is my last day of school before spring break and I really need to get my plans in place for the following week before I leave for the day so I don't have to go back during break. I have to go get my son registered for soccer and tball before 5 though at two different places in two different towns so time is going to be an issue. I will end up having to bring grading home, but that's pretty much inevitable. I'll try to get it done over the weekend so I have the whole week to truly relax and rejuvenate before going back to work.
My weight loss efforts have completely stalled out. I haven't had the time to exercise or track, and I haven't been as careful with my meals as I should be. The bigger problem is that I've been stress eating again and of course that means chocolate and not celery. I only wish I could make myself stress eat celery. I have to find a way to make myself a priority, but so many things HAVE to be done, that the things that merely NEED to be done fall by the wayside, not to mention the things I'd like to be doing. I have to make a plan, and then I have to follow it. I know what I need to do, it's a matter of actually doing it though.
The winter 5% challenge ends Saturday, and I have not been successful, nor have I contributed a great deal to the team. I'd really like to sit out the spring challenge because I know that I will be crazy busy, but that means no team choice for the summer challenge and I definitely want to be a teddy bear this summer when I will really have time to commit to it. Plus being a part of the challenge keeps me accountable to admit my failings or claim my success and I like that. I'll have to think about that.
On a more personal front - hubby and I are still struggling. I'm pretty miserable tonight. It's Wednesday, but it feels like a Thursday and I don't see actual Thursday being any better. We both want to find our way back to each other, but it's like neither of us can find the first step. Goodness knows we're trying, but it's like 1 step forward and 9 steps back. The latest blow is that it looks like he won't be able to come to my folks with us this weekend. The little guy and I are going skiing with my dad on Saturday, my birthday is Sunday, and the little guy has an eye appointment on Monday. We were all three supposed to go up on Friday and spend the weekend. I was so looking forward to it, I had so many hopes pinned to this weekend. Then we found out today that the neighbors we were going to have watch the critters, the neighbors that have never before spent a night away from home because her elderly and ailing mother lives with them, will be out of town this weekend as well. And no-one else can do it either - so that means hubby will have to stay home and take care of the furry kids. It's no-one's fault, but I'm so disappointed and just sad tonight.
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Like so many people, I fantasize about winning the lottery. What would I do first? How would I spend the money? How much would I win? What kind of car would I buy? Would I keep my house or have my personal dream house built? All those questions that will never become a reality. Still, it's fun to think about.
If I won millions I'd start by paying off all my bills starting with my mortgage, set aside the money to pay taxes, put a third of my winnings in a trust for my son's college and/or future career. I'd give money to my SILs, nieces and nephew and to my parents too if they'd let me. Then I think hubby and I would go to the car dealership and each get a brand spanking new model because we've never bought anything but used cars. If we chose to move I'd like to either sell my current house for very little to some young family just starting out, or donate it to an organization that could use it as a safe house or groups home or something. I'd also love to travel the world and I know hubby would like a sound proof music studio.
I would also like to set up a scholarship fund, and some kind of program to offer grants to people who make too much to qualify for public assistance but not enough to not need a little extra help now and then. There are always car repairs, house repairs, emergencies, etc. that come up and so many people make enough to get by but not much more. I know because we are "those people".
So as I sat there the other night feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't what I'd like it to be right now (hubby and I are still pretty rough, financially we're paycheck to 3 days before paycheck, I'm absolutely overwhelmed at work, etc) and thinking about how great it would be to win the lottery - I had a kind of epiphany. The plain truth is that I already did win the lottery. I won it the day I was born. My parents are the best "prize" a person could ever hope for. They have helped us so much over the years, financially yes - but more importantly they have always been there to offer moral support to us no matter what. When it rained in my basement when hubby had to work, they dropped everything and drove 3 hours to come make it stop. When the downstairs bathroom backed up 5 minutes before they were supposed to leave one Christmas and hubby was at work they stayed so dad could fix it. When my son was 6 months old and we had a blizzard and hubby was at work (sensing a theme? shift work sucks) they drove down with their snow blower.
So next time I'm down and feeling crappy - I want to remember that I may never be a millionaire, but I already won the lottery of life.
What would you do if you won a million dollars? What non-monetary lottery have you won?
Thursday, February 06, 2014
So "patience" just really isn't working out for me. Right now I feel more like my word of the year should be anger, frustration, sadness, IMpatience... I had two good weeks (one thanks to 2 rounds with a stomach bug, one thanks to self-control and effort) and then this week I'm back to eating my feelings. I have a lot of feelings, and apparently it takes a lot of chocolate to hold them in. Even with mass quantities of chocolate they tend to come shooting out at really inconvenient times. I'm usually good at compartmentalizing which means that work is safe from home "stuff", but the other day during my planning period I just about had a meltdown. Fortunately there was no one around and I had it together by the time my next class arrived but this kind of thing is not ok. Work is work, and my drama llama has to stay home and freeze during work time.
Having home stress isn't good for anyone. I'm not as sharp as I should be, nor am I as patient as I need to be. It feels like I just don't have anything left to give, but giving is part of my job description. I can't say to my students "I have carp going on at home, so I'm sorry but I won't be teaching you or caring about you today". I need to be present, in the moment, and available to them. This is the first time that home has spilled over into work, and I need to put a stop to it right quick.
The other piece is that I'm not as patient with my son as I need to be. He's just a little guy, and he has no idea why I'm so stressed. All he knows is that sometimes mommy has all the patience in the world, and sometimes she just doesn't. I need to save the best of me for him, but I feel like there is no "best of me" some days.
Let's not even go to the lack of patience with myself. I'm just so angry with myself for not handling all of this better. I should be watching what I eat, sticking to my plan, exercising, building myself up to be stronger, but instead I'm sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Then I go to bed disgusted with myself, promising to be better the next day. Then the next day is just a repeat. Kinda like Groundhog Day, but without Bill Murray.
Ok - this is the part where I got very personal and prompted the 'read quick" part of the title. I posted the blog, went for my shower, and by the time I finished was just insanely uncomfortable with what I had put out there in the world. In general terms, things between my hubby and I are still not good and have actually taken a turn for the worse. I spelled out a good part of that - but then decided that I just can't. Maybe down the road, but for now I can't. I don't have anyone in real life that I can turn to with this, but I don't feel like I can put it out in a public venue either. It's all got me so twisted up inside I don't know which end is up anymore.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
One of my friends (Ohanamama) posted this One Word Challenge in the for the love of horror team. I generally don't do resolutions because I don't keep them anyway. Why don't I keep them? Because they are too specific and detailed and then I end up with a long list and then when I don't keep up perfectly I chuck the whole thing and tell myself "I'll do better next year". That usually happens sometime in early February. I wasn't going to set any resolutions this year either, but the depth and simplicity of this idea appealed to me. Here's the challenge:
"A One Word Challenge for 2014 to be a better YOU instead of resolutions. :)
Step 1: DETERMINE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT TO BECOME
The first step is to simply take some time and decide what kind of person you want to be at the end of this year. This goes beyond simply being healthier and wealthier, but it must drive deep into your soul. What about the condition of your heart?
Step 2: IDENTIFY THE CHARACTERISTICS OF THAT PERSON
Get a picture of that person and then simply identify their major characteristics. Is that person gentle? Is that person generous? What are the qualities of the person you want to become?
Step 3: PICK A WORD
Once you have a list of the characteristics, simply pick a word. There might be fifteen things that you want to change, but you must resist the temptation to promise you will do them all. Instead, simply commit to ONE WORD."
So I thought of lots of words. Joy, Empathy, Happiness, Tenacity, Compassion, Conservation, Commitment, Frugality, Calmness, Respect, Compromise, Motivation - then I got to the "P" words - passion, perseverance, popcorn (it was late at night and I couldn't sleep) and even some negatives or things to not be such as petty, picky, perfect, or pickles (I did mention it was late right?). Finally I hit on the one word that sums up so much for me - Patience.
My word for 2014 is Patience. It just feels right. Patience with myself and my lack of perfection, lack of motivation, and abundance of popcorn. Patience with others and their
lack of frugality, unwillingness to compromise, disrespect, and too many pickles. Patience with events, situations and conditions outside of my control. I hate when my plans go awry - but it happens more often than not. I need to learn patience and remember that often the best things are unplanned.
Having patience will help me to not snap at the little boy when it takes him 20 minutes to get his shoes on and I'm trying to get errands done or out the door to school (seriously - I timed him once. The kid was born without a hurry up gene). Being patient enough to truly listen will help me to see the other person's side of a story, and lead to me being more compassionate and empathetic. It will allow me to truly "shut up and wear the damn hat" at work. Being patient in my thoughts will help me compromise more easily, and not resent having to. Being patient with myself means setting realistic goals and re-evaluating them as needed. It also means forgiving myself when I fail. And being patient with my hubby will help us to find each other again. I hope.
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