Sunday, July 28, 2013
I've been thinking about getting back on here for awhile now, but life was just too...much. Ya know?
First off, I have to apologize to the Golden Phoenix BLC Team. I totally bailed on you guys. I'm so sorry. I got the messages, reminders, and posts...I just couldn't get my head in a good enough space to be a part of anything other than the craziness I was going through. I'm up about 15 pounds...and I'm sure that wouldn't have happened if I would have kept my head in the game.
My marriage has been going badly for a bit, but the past six months were just torture. On June 30th, we had the final blow out and split up. I (and my kids) got dumped because my soon to be ex didn't think he had enough freedom. The final straw was when he joined a motorcycle gang (that had been featured on Gangland, no less!) and I begged him to stop. I finally gave him the "them or us" ultimatum..and he chose them. I still, honestly, can't get my head around that one. On top of that, I can't afford our home on my own and had a month to find a new place for the kids, dog, and I to live. Thankfully, I found an apartment in the nick of time and will be moving next weekend.
I am still, of course, heartbroken and feel pretty crappy. It's odd, we can tell ourselves constantly that it's not us...but I couldn't help that every time I look in there mirror, I think "If I was skinny would he still want me?" "If I was prettier would that have helped?" I don't think it would have, but those thoughts are still there. I even won a trip from work and took the family to Mexico (pic below) and he was pretty decidedly unexcited. I know it's his issue he needs to figure out (though it is decidedly too late for our marriage), but I'm still in the angry-sad-hurt-feeling ok-wait, gonna beat him up roller coaster stage.
Anyway, that's why I've been off the grid. My new month/apartment/life resolution is to get back to it and be an AMAZING role model for my kids. They deserve nothing less...and, really, neither do I!