Sunday, September 16, 2012
One of the twins posted a note on her facebook page that Mom Angell is returning to the convalescent home, to the high care wing where she will be getting hospice care. The twin is
flying there next week.
I've never been in this situation before. Most of my grandparents were dead before I knew they were terminally ill. I was with Dad when he died, so I have never been in this "should I go now or should I wait" mode. I am really torn about this. On one hand, the fact that Mom has seemingly overnight gone into full-blown dementia and would not know me means I don't have to rush there, but the other part of me aches because I hate this distasteful "death watch" mode. That happens in the media when someone famous falls ill and we get bulletins about their health troubles that, frankly, make me feel uncomfortable. Not from a point of squeamishness, but as a point of dignity.
Mom deserves as much grace and gentleness as can be given. The youngest daughter has promised to let me know when she passes and I will be on the next flight out. My heart is already there.
I ordered a black and purple muumuu for the service and hope it gets here soon enough. Black for respect and purple because that is Mom's favorite color. A muumuu because that is my style and because, I hope, it will hide some of my tonnage. My weight makes every social encounter very uncomfortable.
I went to Target today and quickly ran out of energy and interest in buying anything to wear. My lower back was killing me in short order. The Give Thanks Walk for St Judes is in November and I do not need to be struggling with this ache now! Losing even a little will help.
Mom's mother lived into her 90s and knew no one for the last decade of her life, so I should not be surprised about this news for Mom, but I am. I suppose the series of strokes are a major factor for the sudden onset. I know that dementia covers an entire category of diagnoses.
I pray that she goes gently into the long night and that I can support the rest of the family during this incredibly sad time.
Friday, September 14, 2012
I have not heard any more news about Mom, but I did learn that the girls do not expect that I will be able to fly out there to see her before, as one said, Mom transitions, but they will have the service in the town where she lives in MO. Then in the spring or summer, we will take her ashes to AR where they will be buried with Dr. Angell, one of my college professors.
Matter-of-fact statements above give no hint to the emotions inside. One of the daughters is onsite and she was to have had a talk with the doctors today about whether Mom can go to hospice care. If/when she's moved and settled, I may get the chance to talk to her. I pray for discernment about what to say and about what to be silent and to steel myself so that I don't distress her by my reaction to her diminished state.
One of my cowowrkers in the legal department has not been happy at work. She has been with the company about 2 years and the newness has never worn off. She feels overwhelmed and that means the annoyance of a long commute becomes more burdensome. She used to work from home for a very large tech company (IT/Patents/Trademarks). The huge company downsized and she was laid off. After months, she found work with me but has not been happy. Today she got a job offer from an attorney with a couple of offices who wants her to work from home. The hitch: will they come to financial terms? She has to cover her own benefits, so that's a risk. I don't know what will happen, but she naively thinks I will get her job when/if she leaves. I had appllied for the position when she got it and I still don't have what they were looking for then! Not sure I would want the job anyway - my current job has a lot of variety and I love that!
Thank you, Sparkfriends, for your support. Grief has made my system completely upset, I've mostly lost my appetite and food has no flavor. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. A sad but welcome side effect would be a derease in tonnage...The week my dad died, I ate next to nothing the entire week, did not sleep at all and could not talk. I am numb...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I just learned that Mom Angell has been in a convalescent home for two months, was moved to the hospital (another stroke is suspected, and I did not know this was not the first) and may be moved to hospice care tomorrow. The girls think this may be her time.
My heart is broken and any of my other issues pale to insignificance.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I've gained a few pounds recently. I don't need a scale to tell me that. My joints feel it, the change in my center of gravity reminds me of it and the increased lack of balance underscores it.
My clothes don't hide it, my short sleeves don't cover it and the fact that I am winded after a few steps advertises it.
Lurching through my house late last week, I slipped and nearly fell, catching myself with my left hand. Either that or the fact that I slept wrong the next night or both contributed to a sprain or a strained wrist. So, even though I feel the flickering of a Spark (thanks, SparkFriends!), I cannot lift a kettlebell. My sense of balance prevents much else.
Feeling as if I am a failure on this journey carries over to other areas of my life. I am thinking out loud here. It takes a lot of energy to be mindful of that yawning pit of depression waiting to drag me down. I struggle not to share my state with my coworkers.
But I am also something else. I am a stubborn Norwegian who cannot give up, even though I might want to do so. Something deep within will not allow it. What I just ate does not make me a failure, though making better choices would push me closer to the side of the scale that says winner!
Tomorrow will be a long day and it will include some OT, though it's a double-edged sword.
I was supposed to have lunch tomorrow with Yvonne, as part of our attempt at mending fences. I canceled when I learned about the OT and the long afternoon meeting. I could go out and eat, but it would put pressure I do not need on the afternoon. Not to mention pressure on my wallet and waistline. Not only that, I need to protect myself emotionally. Her response has been an icy silence and, as uncomfortable as it is, that confirms I made the right decision.
I could go on. But the point has been made and I don't want this blog to turn into a list of complaints! Not productive for anyone!
Sunday, September 09, 2012
I have not wanted to share what's going on, or what's not going on, in my SP journey. But, one of the tenets of my SP family is that we do reach out. As I said in my status this morning, I have read many wonderful and inspirational blogs today and I appreciate them.
But here I am.
I weigh more than when I started nearly 3 years ago.
I have exercised very little this week - I walked one day and every step hurt
I don't feel like being honest with myself and track the food I eat
This has been building for a while and I took advantage of the free SparkCoach thing hoping it would help get me back on track. So far, no.
I am tired. Not physically, but in every other way.
I am scared about my economic and work situation
There are looming big expenses (car, mobile home)
Tension at work. The student told our boss a very different story from what actually happened and it was obvious from his tone that he was not interested in hearing my side - he's made up his mind. AND her term has been extended and she will be with us next year. (She was set to end her term in December). So I will be, as I have been, professional in my dealings with her, but what she said to our boss is a red flag about anything further.
This is more than a funk. Not sure what it will take for me to snap out of it, but I have to! My clothes don't fit and I can't buy larger sizes. I know all the arguments about what this is doing to my health. I know all about taking baby steps.
But there's a disconnect between that head knowledge and being able to act on it and sustain that action.
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