Friday, September 14, 2012
I have not heard any more news about Mom, but I did learn that the girls do not expect that I will be able to fly out there to see her before, as one said, Mom transitions, but they will have the service in the town where she lives in MO. Then in the spring or summer, we will take her ashes to AR where they will be buried with Dr. Angell, one of my college professors.
Matter-of-fact statements above give no hint to the emotions inside. One of the daughters is onsite and she was to have had a talk with the doctors today about whether Mom can go to hospice care. If/when she's moved and settled, I may get the chance to talk to her. I pray for discernment about what to say and about what to be silent and to steel myself so that I don't distress her by my reaction to her diminished state.
One of my cowowrkers in the legal department has not been happy at work. She has been with the company about 2 years and the newness has never worn off. She feels overwhelmed and that means the annoyance of a long commute becomes more burdensome. She used to work from home for a very large tech company (IT/Patents/Trademarks). The huge company downsized and she was laid off. After months, she found work with me but has not been happy. Today she got a job offer from an attorney with a couple of offices who wants her to work from home. The hitch: will they come to financial terms? She has to cover her own benefits, so that's a risk. I don't know what will happen, but she naively thinks I will get her job when/if she leaves. I had appllied for the position when she got it and I still don't have what they were looking for then! Not sure I would want the job anyway - my current job has a lot of variety and I love that!
Thank you, Sparkfriends, for your support. Grief has made my system completely upset, I've mostly lost my appetite and food has no flavor. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. A sad but welcome side effect would be a derease in tonnage...The week my dad died, I ate next to nothing the entire week, did not sleep at all and could not talk. I am numb...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I just learned that Mom Angell has been in a convalescent home for two months, was moved to the hospital (another stroke is suspected, and I did not know this was not the first) and may be moved to hospice care tomorrow. The girls think this may be her time.
My heart is broken and any of my other issues pale to insignificance.
Monday, September 10, 2012
I've gained a few pounds recently. I don't need a scale to tell me that. My joints feel it, the change in my center of gravity reminds me of it and the increased lack of balance underscores it.
My clothes don't hide it, my short sleeves don't cover it and the fact that I am winded after a few steps advertises it.
Lurching through my house late last week, I slipped and nearly fell, catching myself with my left hand. Either that or the fact that I slept wrong the next night or both contributed to a sprain or a strained wrist. So, even though I feel the flickering of a Spark (thanks, SparkFriends!), I cannot lift a kettlebell. My sense of balance prevents much else.
Feeling as if I am a failure on this journey carries over to other areas of my life. I am thinking out loud here. It takes a lot of energy to be mindful of that yawning pit of depression waiting to drag me down. I struggle not to share my state with my coworkers.
But I am also something else. I am a stubborn Norwegian who cannot give up, even though I might want to do so. Something deep within will not allow it. What I just ate does not make me a failure, though making better choices would push me closer to the side of the scale that says winner!
Tomorrow will be a long day and it will include some OT, though it's a double-edged sword.
I was supposed to have lunch tomorrow with Yvonne, as part of our attempt at mending fences. I canceled when I learned about the OT and the long afternoon meeting. I could go out and eat, but it would put pressure I do not need on the afternoon. Not to mention pressure on my wallet and waistline. Not only that, I need to protect myself emotionally. Her response has been an icy silence and, as uncomfortable as it is, that confirms I made the right decision.
I could go on. But the point has been made and I don't want this blog to turn into a list of complaints! Not productive for anyone!
Sunday, September 09, 2012
I have not wanted to share what's going on, or what's not going on, in my SP journey. But, one of the tenets of my SP family is that we do reach out. As I said in my status this morning, I have read many wonderful and inspirational blogs today and I appreciate them.
But here I am.
I weigh more than when I started nearly 3 years ago.
I have exercised very little this week - I walked one day and every step hurt
I don't feel like being honest with myself and track the food I eat
This has been building for a while and I took advantage of the free SparkCoach thing hoping it would help get me back on track. So far, no.
I am tired. Not physically, but in every other way.
I am scared about my economic and work situation
There are looming big expenses (car, mobile home)
Tension at work. The student told our boss a very different story from what actually happened and it was obvious from his tone that he was not interested in hearing my side - he's made up his mind. AND her term has been extended and she will be with us next year. (She was set to end her term in December). So I will be, as I have been, professional in my dealings with her, but what she said to our boss is a red flag about anything further.
This is more than a funk. Not sure what it will take for me to snap out of it, but I have to! My clothes don't fit and I can't buy larger sizes. I know all the arguments about what this is doing to my health. I know all about taking baby steps.
But there's a disconnect between that head knowledge and being able to act on it and sustain that action.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
I am absolutely overwhelmed at work, but that is nothing new. That stress is becoming routine.
One of my students confronted me about a workload adjustment I did last week, accused me of disrespecting her and then cut the conversation short very rudely and walked off. She would not listen to my explanation of the workload adjustment and, yes, I did interrupt her at one point. I thought she was finished, I thought we are having a discussion.
This was more than someone having a bad day. I was so rattled by it that I called my boss (who is also her boss). He was working from home so he could supervise a contractor and I hope he knows me well enough to know that I would not have called him about the situation if I did not think it were extreme. He asked me to talk to HR. I did and my HR rep validated my actions - I acted appropriately.
My boss and I will talk with her on Friday(she's off tomorrow).
I went to the Toastmaster humorous speech contest. I was the tie-breaker vote, but was not needed. The speaker who won gave a great speech. The runner-up may have lifted something from the internet, which is a no-no without attribution, but I have only a 3rd hand report on that. UGH!
I may have finished with the document production that began at the end of April. Getting that FEDEX envelope to shipping was a victory.
I was able to get some of the data from my fried drive. I need IT help to see if the emails can be recovered.
Those are the high or the low lights of the day - there was much more.
BUT - I did not stuff my face because of the stress! VICTORY!
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