JUNEAU2010   157,105
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JUNEAU2010's Recent Blog Entries

Mom Angell Moves to Hospice Care Tomorrow

Sunday, September 16, 2012

One of the twins posted a note on her facebook page that Mom Angell is returning to the convalescent home, to the high care wing where she will be getting hospice care. The twin is
flying there next week.

I've never been in this situation before. Most of my grandparents were dead before I knew they were terminally ill. I was with Dad when he died, so I have never been in this "should I go now or should I wait" mode. I am really torn about this. On one hand, the fact that Mom has seemingly overnight gone into full-blown dementia and would not know me means I don't have to rush there, but the other part of me aches because I hate this distasteful "death watch" mode. That happens in the media when someone famous falls ill and we get bulletins about their health troubles that, frankly, make me feel uncomfortable. Not from a point of squeamishness, but as a point of dignity.

Mom deserves as much grace and gentleness as can be given. The youngest daughter has promised to let me know when she passes and I will be on the next flight out. My heart is already there.

I ordered a black and purple muumuu for the service and hope it gets here soon enough. Black for respect and purple because that is Mom's favorite color. A muumuu because that is my style and because, I hope, it will hide some of my tonnage. My weight makes every social encounter very uncomfortable.

I went to Target today and quickly ran out of energy and interest in buying anything to wear. My lower back was killing me in short order. The Give Thanks Walk for St Judes is in November and I do not need to be struggling with this ache now! Losing even a little will help.

Mom's mother lived into her 90s and knew no one for the last decade of her life, so I should not be surprised about this news for Mom, but I am. I suppose the series of strokes are a major factor for the sudden onset. I know that dementia covers an entire category of diagnoses.

I pray that she goes gently into the long night and that I can support the rest of the family during this incredibly sad time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ULEWIJ 9/19/2012 7:44PM

    Any advice I would have, would be to go see her as soon as you can, before she dies. When my mom told me her mother was in the hospital and she didn't know if she should go now or wait, I told her to go now. I knew my mother would want to know how her mother was being cared for in the hospital and make sure everything was being done to make her comfortable. Sometimes the worst thing can be not knowing, and being there may answer some questions that might arrise later down the line.

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PAMNANGEL 9/19/2012 4:42PM

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WENDYSPARKS 9/19/2012 4:36PM

    Praying for you.

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DEBBYNATION 9/19/2012 7:08AM

    Praying for you & your family during this time. My Mom passed away when I was 36 after suffering from lung cancer - I still miss her everyday. What helps me is to remember good times & knowing that my Mom would want me to stay positive & inspired. Your Mom's favorite color is purple & purple is a happy color & a beautiful tribute to her life.

Comment edited on: 9/19/2012 7:10:24 AM

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LIBBYFITZ 9/18/2012 5:10PM

    It looks like we are all facing the fact that our parents don't live forever:-(
My thoughts are with you.

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CMRAND54 9/17/2012 9:40PM

    it is difficult to know what to do in your situation.

My mother went into the hospital for surgery for breast cancer when she was 67. The good news was, the cancer hadn't spread to her lymph nodes. The bad news was she had a heart attack as a result of the radical mastectomy they did. I flew out right away when I heard that she had a heart attack and I was glad I did because she was still conscious when I got there. A couple of hours later she had another heart attack, and she never regained consciousness. After a week in intensive care she seemed to be improving some, so I flew home. Two days later she died and we all flew back for the funeral. I was fortunate to be able to get time off work, and to be able to afford the plane tickets.

My father is in a nursing home, and is 98 years old. He has ups and downs. I visit when I can, which isn't often because he is half the country away from me, but I am sure that some night he will just die in his sleep and I will get the phone call.

You must do what you think is best for you. If your mother wouldn't recognize that you were there, you should probably wait.

My thoughts are with you.

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WONDEROONA 9/17/2012 7:41PM

    I'm so sorry about your mom. You know that I lost my mom 3 years ago and I still miss her. Her death was sudden and unexpected. I don't know what I would've done if I was in your situation. I hope that you can lean on someone-I'm here if you need me-during this difficult time. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PERSISTANT123 9/17/2012 10:58AM

    emoticon I'll be praying for you and yours during this very difficult time.

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ANDASI 9/17/2012 2:55AM

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RFJSJ50 9/17/2012 12:02AM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones.
Sheila

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Mom Angell & Other Developments

Friday, September 14, 2012

I have not heard any more news about Mom, but I did learn that the girls do not expect that I will be able to fly out there to see her before, as one said, Mom transitions, but they will have the service in the town where she lives in MO. Then in the spring or summer, we will take her ashes to AR where they will be buried with Dr. Angell, one of my college professors.

Matter-of-fact statements above give no hint to the emotions inside. One of the daughters is onsite and she was to have had a talk with the doctors today about whether Mom can go to hospice care. If/when she's moved and settled, I may get the chance to talk to her. I pray for discernment about what to say and about what to be silent and to steel myself so that I don't distress her by my reaction to her diminished state.

One of my cowowrkers in the legal department has not been happy at work. She has been with the company about 2 years and the newness has never worn off. She feels overwhelmed and that means the annoyance of a long commute becomes more burdensome. She used to work from home for a very large tech company (IT/Patents/Trademarks). The huge company downsized and she was laid off. After months, she found work with me but has not been happy. Today she got a job offer from an attorney with a couple of offices who wants her to work from home. The hitch: will they come to financial terms? She has to cover her own benefits, so that's a risk. I don't know what will happen, but she naively thinks I will get her job when/if she leaves. I had appllied for the position when she got it and I still don't have what they were looking for then! Not sure I would want the job anyway - my current job has a lot of variety and I love that!

Thank you, Sparkfriends, for your support. Grief has made my system completely upset, I've mostly lost my appetite and food has no flavor. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. A sad but welcome side effect would be a derease in tonnage...The week my dad died, I ate next to nothing the entire week, did not sleep at all and could not talk. I am numb...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ULEWIJ 9/19/2012 7:40PM

    emoticon I am so so sorry. It amazes me how much grief effects the entire body.


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LIBBYFITZ 9/18/2012 5:04PM

    Hugs my friend. Thinking of you.

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MISSY455 9/16/2012 2:06AM

    I am so sorry to read of more sadness and loss for you. You and your Mom Angell are in my thoughts.
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CMRAND54 9/15/2012 8:24PM

    I'm so sorry.

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POORGIRL_DIET 9/15/2012 6:50PM

    Prayers are with you hun, you take some time out and focus on you and your family

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CATLADY52 9/15/2012 5:18PM

    I wish you peaceful thoughts. emoticon

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_RAMONA 9/15/2012 11:06AM

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/15/2012 6:50AM

    Having a loved one die is never easy. The sadness, distress, anxiety... all these things just send a person into an emotional turmoil. You do the best you can. Take things day by day.

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Try to be positive about that job position. If this job offers more opportunities than your current one, activity try for it. Talk to the HR person, talk to the manager. Let them know you're more than capable to fill the position. Most companies do prefer hiring from within. So, don't count yourself out. You never know where your next stepping stone could be. It could be a good opportunity. It's also lets the managers know you are interested in moving up within the company.





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ANNESYLVIA 9/15/2012 5:31AM

    A dying loved one is rough on us mentally, emotionally and physically. Hang in there spark friend. emoticon

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Please Pray for Mom Angell and All the Family

Thursday, September 13, 2012

I just learned that Mom Angell has been in a convalescent home for two months, was moved to the hospital (another stroke is suspected, and I did not know this was not the first) and may be moved to hospice care tomorrow. The girls think this may be her time.

My heart is broken and any of my other issues pale to insignificance.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 9/18/2012 5:00PM

    So sorry to hear this news. Hugs.

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ERINMARIE424 9/15/2012 5:10PM

    So sorry to hear the news. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

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ANNESYLVIA 9/15/2012 5:11AM

    emoticon Hoping for the best for your mom Angell

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JOANNS4 9/14/2012 10:15PM

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CMRAND54 9/14/2012 9:24PM

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CATLADY52 9/14/2012 6:41PM

    I'm sorry to hear that. emoticon

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NONIE_C 9/14/2012 10:19AM

    emoticon I wish you were not feeling such sorrow.
I wish you peace when it's needed most, and I wish you strength.
I also wish you comfort from those you love and love you.
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SKEETOR 9/14/2012 8:15AM

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GAYLLYNNE 9/14/2012 7:08AM

    I'm so sorry to hear this. I will keep her in my thoughts.

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/14/2012 4:47AM

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I'm so sorry to hear this news ! You and your family are in my thoughts.

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_LINDA 9/14/2012 1:43AM

    So very sorry Mali :(((
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_RAMONA 9/13/2012 11:45PM

    Dearest Mali,

May your every day be all you need it to be. May an all abiding peace fill your thoughts, rule in your dreams each night, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself in ways you have never before experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your cares be lifted. I pray that faith enters a new height in you, that your territory be enlarged, and that fulfillment is just one step closer.

MAY GOD ABUNDANTLY BLESS YOU, and those you love... especially Mom Angell and her family... in every way required. May he hold you gently in the palm of his hand in a very personal way, and may you rest in the fullness of his love, his grace, his strength, his wisdom, his rescue, his redemption, his healing, his inspiration, his restoration and his mercy as you require it! May you carry in your heart always an extra special awareness of God's great love for you, may you feel his sweet and gentle touch upon your life, and may you see his miracles all around you. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen!

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MSBEKANATOR 9/13/2012 11:31PM

    Praying for her, and for you and your family. emoticon

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The Price of Tonnage

Monday, September 10, 2012

I've gained a few pounds recently. I don't need a scale to tell me that. My joints feel it, the change in my center of gravity reminds me of it and the increased lack of balance underscores it.

My clothes don't hide it, my short sleeves don't cover it and the fact that I am winded after a few steps advertises it.

Lurching through my house late last week, I slipped and nearly fell, catching myself with my left hand. Either that or the fact that I slept wrong the next night or both contributed to a sprain or a strained wrist. So, even though I feel the flickering of a Spark (thanks, SparkFriends!), I cannot lift a kettlebell. My sense of balance prevents much else.

Feeling as if I am a failure on this journey carries over to other areas of my life. I am thinking out loud here. It takes a lot of energy to be mindful of that yawning pit of depression waiting to drag me down. I struggle not to share my state with my coworkers.

But I am also something else. I am a stubborn Norwegian who cannot give up, even though I might want to do so. Something deep within will not allow it. What I just ate does not make me a failure, though making better choices would push me closer to the side of the scale that says winner!

Tomorrow will be a long day and it will include some OT, though it's a double-edged sword.

I was supposed to have lunch tomorrow with Yvonne, as part of our attempt at mending fences. I canceled when I learned about the OT and the long afternoon meeting. I could go out and eat, but it would put pressure I do not need on the afternoon. Not to mention pressure on my wallet and waistline. Not only that, I need to protect myself emotionally. Her response has been an icy silence and, as uncomfortable as it is, that confirms I made the right decision.

I could go on. But the point has been made and I don't want this blog to turn into a list of complaints! Not productive for anyone!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 9/13/2012 10:50PM

    Sounds like you made some healthy choices and are feeling strong in your convictions.
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CMRAND54 9/12/2012 8:57PM

    I've gained a little weight recently, too. I'm getting lots of exercise, but I'm just eating too much. My pants are just a bit tight, and my blood sugars are just a little higher. I've got to get back to portion control and no snacking.

I have balance problems, too. I'm not sure why. I keep on doing my yoga classes, but I still can't stand on one leg without getting all wobbly. I don't think it's the extra weight, though. It's just me.

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CATLADY52 9/11/2012 5:13PM

    Things can get better. It really boils down to your decisions. emoticon

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POORGIRL_DIET 9/11/2012 11:39AM

    Hope things get better for you!

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BYEFATNANNY 9/11/2012 9:19AM

    I've often said what gets me through some days is stubborness, I see you are the same. Remember today is just another day it won't get us down. From the Stubborn Dutchman. emoticon

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WONDEROONA 9/11/2012 8:26AM

    I hope that things are going better for you by the time that you read this. emoticon emoticon
Do you have a stability ball? Try sitting on it and that will help with some balance issues. It works your core and works on your sense of balance. I use one at home to sit on at my desk.
Keep a stiff upper lip and keep the spark-no matter how small it may be-going. emoticon emoticon

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_LINDA 9/11/2012 2:03AM

    Sometimes you just have to get things off your chest! So very sorry about the sprain :( Those falls are so damaging:(( So I am so very bad at balancing and I am not overweight, so what is my excuse (is weight an excuse at all)?? Almost every day I am doing a little two step as my big size 9 1/2 men's shoes catch the corner of something or other and I am able to stop a fall with my quick reflexes. In my fitness classes when they are doing one legged balancing moves with weights, it seems I am the only one wobbling around and touching down. I sometimes wonder if it will ever get better.
When you have bad luck there is nothing you can do except seek ways around it. You may not be able to exercise, but you can control what you put in your mouth. An old saw, but unfortunately maybe your only option for the present time. Try drinking more water, adding more fruits and veggies, what ever it takes to crowd out the worse choices.. Canning the lunch with Yvonne was for the best, and it sounds like her response is typical. Sorry you have such a long day ahead and meeting. I barely tolerate the hour meeting we do once a month lol.
Remember to ice that hand regulary.. May you have a speedy healing..
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A Blog I Have Been Avoiding

Sunday, September 09, 2012

I have not wanted to share what's going on, or what's not going on, in my SP journey. But, one of the tenets of my SP family is that we do reach out. As I said in my status this morning, I have read many wonderful and inspirational blogs today and I appreciate them.

But here I am.
I weigh more than when I started nearly 3 years ago.
I have exercised very little this week - I walked one day and every step hurt
I don't feel like being honest with myself and track the food I eat

This has been building for a while and I took advantage of the free SparkCoach thing hoping it would help get me back on track. So far, no.

I am tired. Not physically, but in every other way.
I am scared about my economic and work situation
There are looming big expenses (car, mobile home)

Tension at work. The student told our boss a very different story from what actually happened and it was obvious from his tone that he was not interested in hearing my side - he's made up his mind. AND her term has been extended and she will be with us next year. (She was set to end her term in December). So I will be, as I have been, professional in my dealings with her, but what she said to our boss is a red flag about anything further.

This is more than a funk. Not sure what it will take for me to snap out of it, but I have to! My clothes don't fit and I can't buy larger sizes. I know all the arguments about what this is doing to my health. I know all about taking baby steps.

But there's a disconnect between that head knowledge and being able to act on it and sustain that action.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 9/13/2012 10:49PM

    Just 4 days before you wrote this blog, you celebrated a victory. You said you didnt stuff your face when things got stressful. I say, Way To Go!!!

I am learning that I MUST count my small victories, because the larger ones loom so far out of my reach, that if I don't stay here now, I'll never get where I want to go.

I too am heavier than when I began this journey. I too struggle with kicking my old habits. I too know what harm I'm doing to myself (physically and mentally). I too can't seem to quite pull it together and really affect the change I so desperately want.

But, I'm not giving up, because there are things I do right almost every day...and so do you.
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CMRAND54 9/12/2012 8:51PM

    I'm sorry you are having so much stress right now. Hang in there. Life will get better.

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BYEFATNANNY 9/10/2012 10:55PM

    ARCHIMEDESII and Officialoldy are right, just step back, try something else. Work is very important, but don't take the relationships so serious, just do the best day to day work you possibly can, that's the only pay off. After all that's why they call it work! I totally agree with the short walk at lunch time. Force yourself for a couple days and you'll see you like it. Weather in S.F. is beautiful in Sept. and it doesn't have to be blocks and think of it as a stress relief only. I'm going through the whole thing about gaining, and I'm sure I'll get the motivation again. Money's tight, hubby needs major dental work. We all go through these phases. You'll pull out of it, trust me, I know I will too. emoticon

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/10/2012 4:57AM

    I'm sorry to hear that you're under a lot of stress at work. I don't know the what happened with the student. But I've found that many younger people (not all, obviously) are acting more entitled. They seem to think the world owes them something. The world owes them nothing. Whatever they get out of life is dependent upon what they put in.

You did the right thing by being professional. That's all you can do. Continue to tell your side of the story even if the boss doesn't seem to be interested. You have to stick to your guns because you're in the right.

I can understand why you're tired. You're just plain overwhelmed. Stress and anxiety just reek havoc with a person's health. You do the best you can. If the only healthy thing you were to do for yourself today was to drink 8 glasses of water, that's still a step in the right direction. Because you are under a lot of stress, now is the time you really need to take care of yourself or you will find your health failing.

Just start with a few simple changes. try to take a daily walk around lunch time. Walking is not only great cardiovascular exercise, it will get you away from your desk for a short time. studies have shown that regular exercise can help reduce a person's stress.

Take things one day at a time.

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TIBURONA 9/10/2012 2:45AM

    That darn bridge between knowing what to do and actually doing it. We all hit that wall, I can really relate to what you are saying Juneau; weight backslide, financial instability, difficulties at work, feeling bad and not wanting to see it spelled out in front of you, because you already know. Sometimes being in the middle of something is just what it is. There may not be a magic trigger that gets you going, it may be a combination of things you discover along the way. Just keep treading water where you need to and promise yourself that you will get on with it. Try a few things that got you going or reboot and start with some tiny steps in the right direction. Life does not always let us travel in a straight line, although when you get where you are going you may learn something about how well you can actually solve difficulties when you break on thru.

Remember to love yourself and don't beat yourself up for not living up to your own expectations 100% of the time. Until we meet again, my friend, just keep going.

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_LINDA 9/10/2012 2:13AM

    I can see the problem of that student being really a big thorn in your side. I can't believe your boss won't even hear you out, that is so unfair, who is the one with more experience you or the student??? I can't imagine what he is thinking!! So very sorry you are having to deal with this further :(( That and your finacial situation, yes we can all see where you would be in a funk and not feel like dealing with a healthy lifestyle, especially if its too painful to even exercise -I would say skip trying to walk and do chair and desk exercises instead. I have watched the videos they are good and the rest of your body should be able to handle them unlike my friend poor Cynthia who is in such bad shape all over she can do not even one of them :((
I hate to see you in such distress and wish there was something I could reach out and do for you. Know I am always thinking of you and wishing you would get some good breaks in life for a change..
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OFFICIALOLDY 9/9/2012 11:19PM

    You were brave to post your honest assessment of your Spark journey so far. And we don't think less of you at all. You are dealing with a lot right now. If all the tracking is getting you down, try stopping for a while. Maybe, for a time, you just read the articles and blogs and play any games that you like. Something you read might grab your attention and be what you need to get back into it. As for your job, I know it's a scary time for so many people. Your HR people said you were right, so you are probably okay. Try not to let the student get to you. Take care of yourself and do the best job you can. What about Goodwill or a second hand shop for clothes for a while? I know you want to look good for work; maybe you could find a few basic pieces. All your Spark friends are rooting for you! Sparkcheers!
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JO88BAKO 9/9/2012 10:52PM

    emoticon job of being honest. Hang in there. You have a great support group here at SP

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PURSUEJOY 9/9/2012 10:36PM

    Good for you for being honest at such a very, very rough time...Your Spark community cares...you are not alone...

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PIXIE-LICIOUS 9/9/2012 10:36PM

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Hang in there. You're in my prayers.

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