Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Yvonne reached out to me today. I am still at fault for destroying our friendship, but she has forgiven me, so she says. I broke the trust so she says. She wants to try to rebuild the friendship (but it seems I must do all the work - she does not say). But I know I will never measure up to her two closest friends (she does not explicitly say).
I am at fault for not keeping the lines of communication open because I am private (she says and I am private). What she does not say is that she told me to give her space. Give her space after her dad died (we drifted apart then, she says). Give her space early in the year because of her health issues, she says. I did. Give her space when her cat was ill, she says. I did.
I am socially awkward, I admit. I am flawed, probably more than most, I admit. But I did not deserve the metaphysical knife in the back that she excuses because she was overwhelmed. I did not deserve the threat to my livelihood. I did not deserve to have my professional reputation tainted. I do deserve some sort of apology.
I miss my friend. I miss the fun we shared. As I told her today, I thought we had a friendship that would last a lifetime. I do not make friends easily and have few true friends. Perhaps she is not a true friend, but she was very close to it, or so I thought.
That all cropped up on a day when everything I attempted to do alll day long could not be completed. I am reading real estate contracts trying to find a simple answer and cannot find it. I have no real experience reading these contracts but by the time I finish reading all these, I will have some. I also have some loose ends on the request for production.
I am also finalizing part of the archiving project that my erstwhile student nearly completed. (I realized after she left that there were some more details needed), I am still mentoring two students, one of whom is not being entirely straightforward about her schedule. And I have a *boat;oad* of things I cannot even get started moving across my desk!
I have been *more or less* on track with food, still soft on exercise, but I have moved off the self-talk lie that I will eat anything I want and not care. I do care! I hate being this heavy! I just need to do more. I know what I need to do, but I cannot seem to act on that knowledge.
I DID find the Self magazine issue featuring Nicole Nichols, the SP fitness guru. $3.99 was a lot to pay for a magazine with exercise cards for exercises I cannot yet do...
I felt like walking out of work this morning just because. But I did not. I don't know if it's panic, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed, burnt out or what.
My body mantra is still intact: I love my body. It's the only one I get, so I am going to take care of it because I deserve it.