JUNEAU2010   160,369
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Stuck

Monday, September 03, 2012

I decided I was going to start walking every day.
Yesterday - zero steps
A sinus infection has wiped me out.
Today was not a lot better.

I even started the Spark Coach free trial in the hopes that it would reignite my Spark. All I have so far is more guilt and more unhappiness about my fat situation. The blame is all mine. I just don't feel like moving.

One of my sparkfriends said she had gone silent as she battled some depression and I encouraged her to reach out to her sparkfriends. It is incumbent on me to follow my own advice....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 9/3/2012 5:52PM

    Don't let the sinus infection get you down. As soon as you can, start walking. Once you move past that it may become a little easier to get into the habit. emoticon

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GAYLLYNNE 9/3/2012 8:05AM

    I go through this fight every day. Depression can be debilitating. I know it takes a lot to get me out on that walk but I always feel better once it's over! Hang in there, you have friends here!

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ARCHIMEDESII 9/3/2012 5:38AM

    Don't beat yourself up because you didn't get in your walk yesterday. You've been sick. You have to take care of yourself first ! It's no use trying to exercise when you're not feeling well. Some times, a little exercise can help invigorate us. Most times, it makes us feel worse.

Let's take care of that sinus infection. When your energy starts to return, you can slowly ease back into a regular exercise program. I love walking. it's not only great cardiovascular exercise, it's helpful for reducing stress too.

It's tough to get stuck in a rut, but you can get yourself out of it. Just start with a few simple changes. One thing to do is get out your calendar. SCHEDULE your morning walks. When you've completed your walk, you check off that schedule. Keeping a schedule is one way to get your motivation back. You have to go to work every day ? Well, make exercise part of your day's job.

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MISSY455 9/3/2012 2:14AM

    What is behind you is done. You can only change the present. Don't waste your energy on guilt. it doesn't do you any good.

Exercising with an infection is probably not a good idea anyway. Can you divide your missed minutes of walking from the past two days over the next week to 10 days and just add them on? A few extra minutes everyday you may not even notice :-)

I hope you feel better very soon!

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_LINDA 9/3/2012 12:58AM

    I think I know the Spark friend you are referring to as I haven't seen her on the friend feed or blogging :(( She struggles so much with it :(( I am glad she reached out to you at least.
Those sinus infections are murder. I wouldn't be doing anything either with one except trying to rest and recover. I had one so bad that it got into my jaw and was so painful I couldn't chew. Lost six pounds in a week. Not a healthy way to lose weight, and gained it all back anyway when the antibiotics finally cleared it.
I hope your holiday Monday is better for you..
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ZRIE014 9/3/2012 12:47AM

  you can not let your mind stop you from starting. you have to make up your mind that you are going to start and then take the first step. you will find once you complete it, you will feel glad that you started emoticon

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Churn but Mantra is Intact

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Yvonne reached out to me today. I am still at fault for destroying our friendship, but she has forgiven me, so she says. I broke the trust so she says. She wants to try to rebuild the friendship (but it seems I must do all the work - she does not say). But I know I will never measure up to her two closest friends (she does not explicitly say).

I am at fault for not keeping the lines of communication open because I am private (she says and I am private). What she does not say is that she told me to give her space. Give her space after her dad died (we drifted apart then, she says). Give her space early in the year because of her health issues, she says. I did. Give her space when her cat was ill, she says. I did.

I am socially awkward, I admit. I am flawed, probably more than most, I admit. But I did not deserve the metaphysical knife in the back that she excuses because she was overwhelmed. I did not deserve the threat to my livelihood. I did not deserve to have my professional reputation tainted. I do deserve some sort of apology.

And yet.......

I miss my friend. I miss the fun we shared. As I told her today, I thought we had a friendship that would last a lifetime. I do not make friends easily and have few true friends. Perhaps she is not a true friend, but she was very close to it, or so I thought.

That all cropped up on a day when everything I attempted to do alll day long could not be completed. I am reading real estate contracts trying to find a simple answer and cannot find it. I have no real experience reading these contracts but by the time I finish reading all these, I will have some. I also have some loose ends on the request for production.
I am also finalizing part of the archiving project that my erstwhile student nearly completed. (I realized after she left that there were some more details needed), I am still mentoring two students, one of whom is not being entirely straightforward about her schedule. And I have a *boat;oad* of things I cannot even get started moving across my desk!

I have been *more or less* on track with food, still soft on exercise, but I have moved off the self-talk lie that I will eat anything I want and not care. I do care! I hate being this heavy! I just need to do more. I know what I need to do, but I cannot seem to act on that knowledge.

I DID find the Self magazine issue featuring Nicole Nichols, the SP fitness guru. $3.99 was a lot to pay for a magazine with exercise cards for exercises I cannot yet do...

I felt like walking out of work this morning just because. But I did not. I don't know if it's panic, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, depressed, burnt out or what.

My body mantra is still intact: I love my body. It's the only one I get, so I am going to take care of it because I deserve it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERINMARIE424 8/30/2012 9:07PM

    So sorry you're having a tough time.
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CATLADY52 8/30/2012 5:35PM

    I think you've given enough. It is about time she gave to you. If she doesn't then she is not a true friend. emoticon

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RFJSJ50 8/30/2012 6:08AM

    I recently stepped back from a friendship that had lasted over 35 years. It was and will always be painful and I'll always miss the closeness of the "friendship that was," but it was something that had to be done for both our sakes. She faced some life-changing events and was relying on others to fill in the blanks left in her life. I couldn't do that for her without losing part of myself.
Always remember, true friendship goes both ways with an equal cycle of needing more/giving more. It is built on trust and a willingness to always be there for one another.
I've learned to accept the change made - I don't know if my friend has because she no longer contacts me when she needs something done. I started saying no when it became every day and she was capable of doing what needed done independently. Sadly enough, her end of the friendship seems to have been solely based on her "needs" because she was never available when I needed her.
Yes, I miss her and always will - but it was time for her to gain some independence and self-reliance.
Sheila

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_LINDA 8/30/2012 2:22AM

    Ramona said it far more eloquently then I could. I hope you take her advice to heart. You deserve more than to be a doormat for Yvonne's every whim. Blaming you 100% for the rift -totally selfish as no one person is to blame for a breakup. It would seem your friendship was really all about her. What you could do to please her and make her happy. You deserve kindness, consideration, respect and attention too. You ARE worth it. Please recognize that..
Sorry you are so overwhelmed with your workload :( I hope you can find a way to get it organized so the most important things are done first.
Sending you peaceful, soothing and warm thoughts,
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_RAMONA 8/30/2012 12:20AM

    emoticon

I have a relationship that had to be relegated to uneasy silence... and I never really know what to do with that... I, too, still miss my friend. It seems to me that continuing the relationship would require me to be less than who I really am, and for me to need nothing but give everything. I know for myself, this is not relationship, and I can't do this without great cost to myself. Sometimes we outgrow relationships... and ones that seems good are suddenly not so much once we ourselves become capable of more.

I came to see shallowness and selfishness in my friend I could no longer overlook. At least from a distance I can continue to love the things I always did without being hurt by things I can't.

Mali, I honestly think you are too hard on yourself. I find you to be very self-aware, and humble... it's one thing to be awkward and clumsy (which perhaps you are at times... we all are)... but being human doesn't make you the scapegoat for all shortcomings in all relationships.

I get the feeling that you're on a pretty high inter-personal learning curve, and that you are growing and moving beyond your comfort zone in many areas. Friends don't always let us do this. Perhaps you're now capable of (and certainly deserve) more than what the relationship can sustain. Nothing says the relationship has to be 'the same' and if Yvonne misses you as she says she does, she should be willing to accomodate your blooming!

{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}
Ramona

Comment edited on: 8/30/2012 1:34:50 AM

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Act as if until it is

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A light bulb flickered today. I read something on SP about loving my body, which I don't. But...just as I did decades ago, when I was so afraid of everyone, I acted confident until I became so.

So - my new mantra (if I can remember it!) is: I love my body. It's the only one I get. I am going to take care of it because I am worth it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERINMARIE424 8/29/2012 8:56PM

    I LOVE this!

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CATLADY52 8/29/2012 5:03PM

    emoticon Many of us should start using a similar mantra.

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POORGIRL_DIET 8/29/2012 12:03PM

    emoticon You only have one body hun so look after it and love it

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_LINDA 8/29/2012 1:54AM

    You can do this! I have heard that too, act as if until it becomes a reality. I too, dislike my body, but have learned to accept all the faults, and focus on the things I CAN do -a good thing for a pessimist to overcome.. I usually always see the glass half empty..So I want to treat my body well so it can keep on doing all that I demand of it.
All the best with this critical goal!
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_RAMONA 8/29/2012 1:40AM

    Good for you! When I first joined SparkPeople a couple of us joked about starting a team called 'Dancing Naked in Front of the Mirror' because so many people do struggle with body acceptance... but winning that battle makes the journey SO much easier!

You're on your way!

If you feel like reading, here are some of my blog entries that may encourage you at this juncture in your journey:

Beauty Defined - January 27, 2012
Until. - August 15, 2010
I have a confession... - July 11, 2009
'BEFORE' Pictures - May 31, 2009
Body Bliss: Turn Every Negative into a Positive - May 27, 2009
Women Who Run With Wolves - May 12, 2009

By the time you're done you, too, will be dancing naked in front of the mirror!

{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}
Ramona


P.S.
...and thank so much for your comments on my recent kids/food blog... I have considered all of your suggestions... I think they are great! I also want to go gently, and do my best to invite others into a dialogue... I don't want to push too hard until I know her teacher better. The personal snack bin was suggested by her teachers at the end of last year when it became apparent that this was going to be a problem (it's only recently that we've become aware that my daughter is gluten intolerant). I'm walking a fine line between taking care of my kid, and not having her negatively singled out. Schols are tricky places these days. Sigh.

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TAMPATINK67 8/29/2012 12:52AM

    Great mantra!

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KACEYSW 8/29/2012 12:07AM

    Good for you. That is very inspirational.

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Cilantro Still Purrs

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Cilantro is still with us! She seems to have found more energy. Still, BF is thinking it will be soon and is also talking about getting another cat or kitten so Juneau won't be lonely.

Thank you for all of your support. She will cross the rainbow bridge soon, but not yet.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DESERTDREAMERS 8/21/2012 8:33PM

    emoticon

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CARRAND 8/20/2012 8:48PM

    emoticon

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ERINMARIE424 8/20/2012 6:20PM

    emoticon

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CATLADY52 8/20/2012 5:38PM

    She may be having 'late life syndrome' where she has periods of acting like a youungster again. My son's cat is going through that stage now (he's 16). emoticon

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WONDEROONA 8/20/2012 5:02PM

    I'm glad that you get to spend some more time with Cilantro. I just lost Sneezie last Wednesday. It was her time and I cherished the last few days with her very much. Enjoy your time and don't regret your decision to end her suffering. emoticon

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RFJSJ50 8/20/2012 12:38PM

    Enjoy the time you spend with Cilantro. She will remain in your heart forever and these moments will build precious memories.
Sheila

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_LINDA 8/20/2012 12:52AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
My thoughts are with you and Cilantro -if its her time may it be peaceful and painless..

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_RAMONA 8/19/2012 11:50PM

    {{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

...I've lost five so far... they all carve a special place in our lives.

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Proba bly Going Silent, but So Thankful!

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

emoticon , Sparkfriends, for all of your comments, words of encouragement and goddies. Cilantro is still with us and will be (I hope) until I get back on Sunday evening. BF is already depressed, moody and very difficult to deal with. However, I know. I know. I know he is dreading losing his beloved Cilantro. So I am being patient and not nagging him about anything.

I leave tomorrow evening for my all-too-brief visit to New Mexico to see my stepmother, brother and nephew. I may get to see my sister and her 3 children and my aunt and a cousin, but nothing is set. I am there for such a short time. I will arrive after midnight on Thursday morning and will be home in time for dinner Sunday evening. Only 2 time zones away, but it takes hours and hours to get there. I may or may not have internet access, so my silence will be for the family visit and not because of furbaby tears.

My brother is much younger and we will do something we've never done before - we are going together to pay respects at the grave of our older brother. E died when H was a year old and my youngest sister was born the year afterwards (they are from Dad's second marriage). It will mean a lot to me to visit the cemetery and be sort of with both of my brothers for the first time in my life. Both are heroes to me. My older brother protected me when we were children and lost his life saving another boy and my younger brother has served two tours of duty in the Navy.

I may also get to pay respects at the grave of my beloved first grade teacher. She died a few months ago just before her 98th birthday. My last letter was read during her service because she called me "my first grader".

Thank you for your love, support and encouragement! I pray Cilantro stays with us until I get home. We have a disposable camera and have been taking pictures of her this week. She loves her spider plant in the front yard, loves sleeping on Daddy's pillow and snuggled in his arms. I'll share when the pictures are developed.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 8/19/2012 10:33PM

    I hope you had a good visit with your brother. It sounds like you had some very special time together planned. I hope Cilantro is still with you, but if she has passed on to kitty heaven, she will still be in your heart.
emoticon Nicole

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LIBBYFITZ 8/17/2012 9:10PM

    I know how much this trip means to you. Enjoy your family.

I am travelling from Perth to our small state Tasmania for just a weekend to celebrate my nephews 18th b'day. It will take a total of 5 hours flying, not to mention all the waiting time.

Look forward to seeing the photos.

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/15/2012 4:05PM

    Have a great trip. So sorry about Cilantro. Sending big hugs.

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CATLADY52 8/8/2012 5:28PM

    I hope Cilantro will make it until you return. emoticon I hope your trip will be good for all involved.

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_LINDA 8/8/2012 2:08PM

    Enjoy this visit with your family to the fullest! That is awesome you and your brother will go together to your other brother's grave. Its wonderful you will also get to pay your respects to your first grade teacher! But Mali, do try to have some fun on this trip too. Too much sadness with that and also your poor fur baby in crisis :((
Sending healing and soothing thoughts and warm hugs,
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CARRAND 8/8/2012 9:14AM

    Your visit sounds lovely. I'll be thinking of you.

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MISSY455 8/8/2012 1:57AM

    I hope you have a lovely visit with your family, even though it will be for such a short period.

I was so sorry to read about your Cilantro. We were pet free for 5 years after I had to have our 19 year old cat put down. It was time, but a very hard decision. I understand wanting to be there, as I stayed with our little guy even though my hubby went to the car. He just couldn't stay. My thoughts are with you.

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