JUNEAU2010   162,289
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Mental Overload

Thursday, August 02, 2012

My crashed hard drive did not leave yet. I thought it would be back tomorrow and I'd have my files. Now, it sounds as if I might get only the one for the subpoena and that all the other "stuff", 6.5 years worth, is gone. I guess I'll find out next week. It has been weird - almost as if I am a new employee and handcuffed with few resources.

The exec admin for the department said she is being transferred to support the IT group. She has been doing both. No official word, but she has stopped, stone cold, doing anything to support the attorneys and the rest of the team. That is not the way this company works and those of us who know about this are stunned. My mind is blowing up thinking about all the tasks I was told to give her and I bet they will come back to me until or unless her spot is filled.

My fried hard drive, the need for an anti-glare screen for my blindingly bright new monitor (even with the settings adjusted) seem to have been the kiss of death for my OT. Perhaps it's coincidence. I am really hurting financially. I may look into getting another part time job after I get back from my hurried vacation next week.

This week, my boss told the students that one might be extended past the summer. Not sure if he will get that in the budget, One of them asked to have breakfast with me tomorrow to talk. Don't know if it's about that or something else. I have become something of a mentor for her. It occurred to me that my boss might ask me to weigh in on choosing one if the extension is approved. I've never been in this position before.

I forgot what else I was going to share. I am on mental overload! With a migraine and back spasms to boot!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 8/3/2012 6:32PM

    Sounds like you'd better sit back and relax for five. emoticon

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CARRAND 8/3/2012 1:34PM

    Work is certainly a challenge for you right now. I hope you can relax and enjoy your weekend.

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_LINDA 8/3/2012 1:09AM

    So sorry to hear this :( That is all you need more dumped on your plate. Oh, I so feel for you if you have to choose which one of those poor students to keep, I would SOO hate to do that. Bet that migraine came from your stress :(
That student is lucky to have you for a mentor -enjoy your breakfast with her..
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Sad Day with Good News (Maybe) & an Uplifting Afternoon

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Today, I said goodby with lots of hugs to my first boss at my present employer. Mary is one of the people who was recently laid off. she is such a "mom". Warm, nurturing and fabulous. She is also a nuclear scientist. I learned so much from her about how the company works! She gave mea great foundation upon which I've built my current career. I will miss her!

My boss told the IT team to send my fried hard drive to a company that may be able to retrieve my files! I hope, I hope, I hope! I also hope it does not cost too much. We're talking anywhere between $500 to $2500 and takes about 2 days. I am stunned that the company decided to do this. I am sure it's becaise of the current subpoena. It took ALL DAY for the backup to run on my new computer which I don't understand because I have very little on the new one! My department's exec admin ordered a filter for my huge monitor - even with the setting way, way, way down, the glare sends me in the direction of a migraine.

I had a meeting with my boss and our three students to discuss the progress on the archiving project. I was nervous that my boss would be unhappy with my directing the project and mentoring the students, but he seemed, with the group, happy with the work. We will not finish the project as originally scoped, but, in fairness, we had never done this project before so it has been a learning process for everyone. I walked out of there so inspired and humbled. These college students are amazing and I am so blessed to have the privilege of working with them!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 8/1/2012 9:55PM

    I'm sorry you had to say good bye to a beloved coworker. That's never fun. However, I'm glad you did have a positive experience at work too.
Kinda like life...a mix of sweet and sour.
Hope you have a great week!!!
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CATLADY52 8/1/2012 5:34PM

    The cost/benefit ratio on getting infomation off your hard drive is such that it is worth every penny spent. Even not for profit entities have to consider what is best. emoticon

I'm happy for you that the archiving project is turning out well. emoticon

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CARRAND 8/1/2012 5:14PM

    I hope they can retrieve your files! I think those people are pretty good at that sort of stuff these days.

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A New Response to Stress! (Making Progress!)

Monday, July 30, 2012

Late Friday afternoon, my hard drive on my work PC crashed. Died. Dead. Data lost? Yes. I came in to work today to find I have a new computer, new monitor, new mouse and new keyboard. I had been on the list for replacement months before we moved from XPto Win7, but had deferred the replacement because I could not afford the time it would have taken to upgrade - with the support of my then-General Counsel. Data lost, irretrievably so. The company is a nonprofit and there's no way they're going to spend the money it would take to recover it in what would be akin to a post-mortem.

I've lost nearly seven years of records, pictures from company events (some of people who are either no longer working there or are dead) and untold documents from all of my various endeavors. I am on job #6 at this company and use all of those things all the time.
Come to find out that the auto backup has not been happening. I told my current General Counsel that I do not have the how-to knowledge or the interest in changing the automatic settings, so IT is going to have to give an answer. I lost all of my work product on all of the subpoenas I've worked on. That was not a fun email to send to him.

It was not a productive day. It was very stressful.

I came home, pulled off my work clothes, grabbed my BF and kettlebells and went outside to our carport and started swinging away. We've never done KBs together before and I have never done them outside where all the neighbors could see. Nor have I ever chosen exercise as a balm for stress!

It was not a long workout, but I kept up with my BF (he lifts weights and has for years). He was impressed. We are going to make this a regular thing.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 7/31/2012 6:01PM

    Oh that is just horrible. I would have figured having an IT department, they should have the means to rescue data :(( So very, very sorry :((
Way to work out your frustrations! Great idea to do that on a regular basis with your BF! You are really rising above this serious setback and making lemonade out of lemons! You are just awesome!! I hate the thought of all the work you will have to do to replace what you need :((
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ERINMARIE424 7/31/2012 5:09PM

    That really blows. Sorry you lost all that important stuff! Glad you were able to exercise some of the stress away!

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CATLADY52 7/31/2012 5:07PM

    Losing your files is an ugly occurance, no way around that. But with new equipment you can get into a routine for saving that will be easy to work into from the beginning. emoticon will not be happening.

Doing the kettlebells outside sounds like it could be fun. I guess trafffic is not a question?

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CARRAND 7/31/2012 12:09PM

    emoticon

Exercise is a great response to stress.

Sorry about your computer. Maybe IT can recover some of your documents.

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2BHEALTHY46 7/30/2012 11:05PM

    That is an excellent way to work off job frustrations!
WAY TO GO!!!

Fran

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Healing

Sunday, July 29, 2012

I've been on SP for more than 2 years. Sometimes, I have been more involved than I am now. Sometimes my Spark has flamed brightly, flickered happily or softened to a barely discernable ember. That is reflective of my choices as are my statistics. I weigh only a little less than I did when I started.

Some of what I have learned is still "head" knowledge and not heart knowledge. I know a lot more about what SP says about food, exercise and living. I have become more of a friend to exercise. "Exercise" is still a four-letter word that got stretched, but that line has blurred a bit, thanks to the discovery of kettlebells.

What I also know, because I keep relearning it, is that my relationship with food is very complex and mixed into an abusive childhood when it was rare to have 3 meals a day. Growing up not being allowed to interact with others leads me to be a difficult person for others to deal with, often in ways that I am not aware of until harm has unintentionally been inflicted. Multiple insecurities lead me to hoard food. I fight that sense of panic, long forgotten and not recognized, when I feel hungry. Every time I go through this, I think I have learned the lesson only to find later that I am going through the lesson again. Someone once told me this is like peeling an onion. It is not exactly the same lesson each time, it's just the next layer.

I have blogged recently a lot about loss - deaths of important-to-me people, death of a friendship and the unintentional infliction of hurt on another SP member. I woke up this morning happier than I have felt in a very long time. The SP member accepted my apology! We have exchanged notes and she has forgiven me! I feel so much lighter! I still feel sobered - I learned a lot. I am overjoyed that we agreed to start anew!

That olive branch made this Sunday a day infused with positive energy, spiritual reflection
and is, not just a new beginning for our relationship, but a new beginning for me on this journey. I stepped on the scale this morning. Of course, I am not thrilled with the number (no loss), but it is just a number. For the first time in eons, I did not beat myself up about being a failure or other unprintable words.

I have errrands to do, kettlebells to swing and steps to walk. I can do all with a much lighter heart thanks to the forgiveness I received.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 7/29/2012 10:11PM

    I could tell by your writing that you feel better. emoticon

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CARRAND 7/29/2012 9:02PM

    emoticon

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_LINDA 7/29/2012 5:19PM

    That is awesome the air has been cleared with this woman. Sometimes it just won't happen because of stubborness. I hope this is a long, lasting and uplifting friendship for you.
The one thing we must get beyond is our childhoods. We are not our past. When we become adults and live on our own, our past should no longer hold us prisoner. We should be able to soar free and clear and make our own destiny, not ground under someone else's thumb, household, power, etc. If the effects of your past are still controlling you today, you really need to seek help with it. You will be unable to move on if you haven't be able to do so now. Those same feelings, urges and yearnings will continue to control you. Weight loss isn't just about being physically active, you need to be mentally ready to accept the new lifestyle change too.
It saddens me to hear the shackles of your past are still holding you prisoner in your relationship with food :((
But to me, it seems like you interact with people far better than you are giving yourself credit for. I have seen nothing but an open heart, kind, caring and concerned for the welfare of her fellow workers and her fellow Sparkers. Nothing wrong in there! Your past didn't beat you down in that category, you have soared above it!!
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DEBK0923 7/29/2012 2:53PM

    I know exactly what you're saying about past chilhood events molding to the future. The same issues happened to me I am unaware I am sabbatoging relationships of any kind. All of this has caused me much stress and with the stress comes the eating. At times quite a bit of all the no no foods. I am happy you have resolved the pain between friends, it helps to have someone on your side. I go up and down on the scale as well, I exercise, eat better and it won't move, but as you said it;s only a number, for me it doesn;t define who I am inside or out. Take care and good luck to you.

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I Hurt & Angered Someone -

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I blogged recently about a communication with another SP member that went completely in a different direction from what I intended or even dreamed was possible. She had done a huge amount of research on the Paleo diet and posted a wonderful blog about it. I asked if I could copy her email, print it, mark it up and use it as a foundation for my research on the same topic. I did not explain that I had looked into it before and had found so much conflicting info that I had set aside that avenue of research as I was so confused by what I read. I don't think that factoid would have helped. Unfortunately, I misunderstood her initial response which was a nicely worded suggestion that I should do my own research. Well, yes, that is true. To be honest, I was being lazy. I am a paralegal and do research all day long. By the time I get home, I am brain-dead and hoped to use her excellent research as a starting point. In law, attorneys and paralegals always use existing work from which to research or refine for the specific circumstance. That was my thinking and I did not realize how bad that would sound. My reply to her first answer made things worse.

To my dismay, I saw that she marked her page as private and I knew it was because of me. I feel sick about it. My lack of understanding about her boundaries, my blinders on so much that I did not understand that my request was offensive to her, to the point that she read it as a demand, and I kept the communication going. Ultimately, she felt I was demanding, that I had cornered her, did not respect her, that I wanted the info regardless of what she said and without consideration for her. That is not me at all.

As if I needed a reminder, but it is a good one. I need to be much more careful about email and other electronic communications. I really feel horrible about this.

I was amazed and impressed that she cared enough to email me this morning. She shared a lengthy blog about her take on the situation. I admire her courage and respect her integrity. I am humbled that she reached out to me to let me know how she felt. I now understand how badly, how clumsily I handled our first interaction. I do not say that she cared about me by sharing - that would be too egocentric of me. What she was doing, I think, was taking care of herself. Standing up for herself, clarifying thoughts on the situation. Another example for me. I am still not good at doing that for myself. At the same time, it was a "coachable moment" for me, as my VP would say. It's a lesson well taken.

We are not linked on SP and, regrettably, we probably never will be. I say regrettably sincerely. She opened her page again and I was able to read some of her other blogs and the comments about those blogs that she has received about what I did. What an eye-opener that was. I am not proud of me at all. She is a much better writer than I am and has a wonderful SP community around her. Had I not stubbed my toe so badly, we might have become SP friends and had a mutually supportive relationship. She is obviously a warm, compassionate and caring person with a zest for life that I always find a huge plus.

She showed me a lot and I now realize that I might have reacted just the same way she did had the situations been reversed. I am mortified! I wish I could undo what I did.

I really screwed up and the worst thing is I really hurt someone I don't even know and did it so thoroughly that there is likely no chance that fence can be mended.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_RAMONA 7/29/2012 2:06AM

    "God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED - To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be." AUTHOR UNKNOWN

...here's to being better people together!
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Comment edited on: 7/29/2012 2:08:56 AM

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_LINDA 7/29/2012 1:13AM

    So sorry you had this experience Mali. Its very rare to happen here on Sparks. But one thing. Sparks is an open forum. If you post a blog and your page is not set to private, anyone who wants to can read it and take what info they care to from it. So I think her reaction was way over the top. Like one of my Spark friends found out, when you google a topic, sometimes your blog will come up if you have written about it. I have found this out myself. As an experienced member of Sparks, she should know better. But the bottom line, is this site was meant to encourage and HELP people. Obviously, if you write something, you are hoping it will help your fellow members in some small way. Otherwise, why bother writing it?? No. I don't think you are totally at fault here.
I hope your Sunday is brighter and better..
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ISHIIGIRL 7/28/2012 9:48PM

    You can only control yourself. You can't control how she reacted or her subsequent actions. You have so much integrity I know you would never do anything to offend someone on purpose. It was big of her to reach out, but you are right. She was only taking care of herself. Now you need to take care of yourself. Choc it up to a lesson learned and move on. You have done everything in your power to make amends. Please give yourself more credit. You are a valuable spark friend and if you wanted to share or print out anything that I had posted I would be flattered. Sometimes people you meet are there for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Take what you can from this and let it make you a better person. Your tops in my book! emoticon

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CARRAND 7/28/2012 6:52PM

    I'm not sure I understand what upset this person, but you've apologized and she's reached out to you, so I think things will be OK. Don't let it get you down.

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CATLADY52 7/28/2012 6:22PM

    Lessons learned are almost always harder on the student. The will be more times in the future so just remember how you feel now and approach the situation in a positive manner. emoticon

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FUNKYG1 7/28/2012 4:18PM

    emoticon

We all make mistakes, do not dwell on this and beat yourself up. Your request seems to be a genuine need for more info. In future, maybe read some previous blogs so you know where that person is coming from. The thing is, it takes two to react which is something we tend to forget sometimes. Have a rosy day.

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