Monday, July 30, 2012
Late Friday afternoon, my hard drive on my work PC crashed. Died. Dead. Data lost? Yes. I came in to work today to find I have a new computer, new monitor, new mouse and new keyboard. I had been on the list for replacement months before we moved from XPto Win7, but had deferred the replacement because I could not afford the time it would have taken to upgrade - with the support of my then-General Counsel. Data lost, irretrievably so. The company is a nonprofit and there's no way they're going to spend the money it would take to recover it in what would be akin to a post-mortem.
I've lost nearly seven years of records, pictures from company events (some of people who are either no longer working there or are dead) and untold documents from all of my various endeavors. I am on job #6 at this company and use all of those things all the time.
Come to find out that the auto backup has not been happening. I told my current General Counsel that I do not have the how-to knowledge or the interest in changing the automatic settings, so IT is going to have to give an answer. I lost all of my work product on all of the subpoenas I've worked on. That was not a fun email to send to him.
It was not a productive day. It was very stressful.
I came home, pulled off my work clothes, grabbed my BF and kettlebells and went outside to our carport and started swinging away. We've never done KBs together before and I have never done them outside where all the neighbors could see. Nor have I ever chosen exercise as a balm for stress!
It was not a long workout, but I kept up with my BF (he lifts weights and has for years). He was impressed. We are going to make this a regular thing.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I've been on SP for more than 2 years. Sometimes, I have been more involved than I am now. Sometimes my Spark has flamed brightly, flickered happily or softened to a barely discernable ember. That is reflective of my choices as are my statistics. I weigh only a little less than I did when I started.
Some of what I have learned is still "head" knowledge and not heart knowledge. I know a lot more about what SP says about food, exercise and living. I have become more of a friend to exercise. "Exercise" is still a four-letter word that got stretched, but that line has blurred a bit, thanks to the discovery of kettlebells.
What I also know, because I keep relearning it, is that my relationship with food is very complex and mixed into an abusive childhood when it was rare to have 3 meals a day. Growing up not being allowed to interact with others leads me to be a difficult person for others to deal with, often in ways that I am not aware of until harm has unintentionally been inflicted. Multiple insecurities lead me to hoard food. I fight that sense of panic, long forgotten and not recognized, when I feel hungry. Every time I go through this, I think I have learned the lesson only to find later that I am going through the lesson again. Someone once told me this is like peeling an onion. It is not exactly the same lesson each time, it's just the next layer.
I have blogged recently a lot about loss - deaths of important-to-me people, death of a friendship and the unintentional infliction of hurt on another SP member. I woke up this morning happier than I have felt in a very long time. The SP member accepted my apology! We have exchanged notes and she has forgiven me! I feel so much lighter! I still feel sobered - I learned a lot. I am overjoyed that we agreed to start anew!
That olive branch made this Sunday a day infused with positive energy, spiritual reflection
and is, not just a new beginning for our relationship, but a new beginning for me on this journey. I stepped on the scale this morning. Of course, I am not thrilled with the number (no loss), but it is just a number. For the first time in eons, I did not beat myself up about being a failure or other unprintable words.
I have errrands to do, kettlebells to swing and steps to walk. I can do all with a much lighter heart thanks to the forgiveness I received.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I blogged recently about a communication with another SP member that went completely in a different direction from what I intended or even dreamed was possible. She had done a huge amount of research on the Paleo diet and posted a wonderful blog about it. I asked if I could copy her email, print it, mark it up and use it as a foundation for my research on the same topic. I did not explain that I had looked into it before and had found so much conflicting info that I had set aside that avenue of research as I was so confused by what I read. I don't think that factoid would have helped. Unfortunately, I misunderstood her initial response which was a nicely worded suggestion that I should do my own research. Well, yes, that is true. To be honest, I was being lazy. I am a paralegal and do research all day long. By the time I get home, I am brain-dead and hoped to use her excellent research as a starting point. In law, attorneys and paralegals always use existing work from which to research or refine for the specific circumstance. That was my thinking and I did not realize how bad that would sound. My reply to her first answer made things worse.
To my dismay, I saw that she marked her page as private and I knew it was because of me. I feel sick about it. My lack of understanding about her boundaries, my blinders on so much that I did not understand that my request was offensive to her, to the point that she read it as a demand, and I kept the communication going. Ultimately, she felt I was demanding, that I had cornered her, did not respect her, that I wanted the info regardless of what she said and without consideration for her. That is not me at all.
As if I needed a reminder, but it is a good one. I need to be much more careful about email and other electronic communications. I really feel horrible about this.
I was amazed and impressed that she cared enough to email me this morning. She shared a lengthy blog about her take on the situation. I admire her courage and respect her integrity. I am humbled that she reached out to me to let me know how she felt. I now understand how badly, how clumsily I handled our first interaction. I do not say that she cared about me by sharing - that would be too egocentric of me. What she was doing, I think, was taking care of herself. Standing up for herself, clarifying thoughts on the situation. Another example for me. I am still not good at doing that for myself. At the same time, it was a "coachable moment" for me, as my VP would say. It's a lesson well taken.
We are not linked on SP and, regrettably, we probably never will be. I say regrettably sincerely. She opened her page again and I was able to read some of her other blogs and the comments about those blogs that she has received about what I did. What an eye-opener that was. I am not proud of me at all. She is a much better writer than I am and has a wonderful SP community around her. Had I not stubbed my toe so badly, we might have become SP friends and had a mutually supportive relationship. She is obviously a warm, compassionate and caring person with a zest for life that I always find a huge plus.
She showed me a lot and I now realize that I might have reacted just the same way she did had the situations been reversed. I am mortified! I wish I could undo what I did.
I really screwed up and the worst thing is I really hurt someone I don't even know and did it so thoroughly that there is likely no chance that fence can be mended.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
within range in food (over on calcium and salt)
fun (unless you call work fun, which I often do!)
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