Tuesday, June 26, 2012
After weighing it for a few weeks, I sent Yvonne a card. We have had a couple of training sessions at work that have gone better than I anticipated and I had hopes that they would break the ice, but there is no sign of thaw.
I picked up a card with purple butterflies (blank inside) with a purple envelope and gold hummingbird seal. Were we still friends, I know she would love it! In the card, I said there is a lot I want to say, but that I wanted to say only the two most important things - that I am sorry and never intended to hurt her and that, had I dreamed I would lose her friendship, I never would have started the conversation.
She had emailed me before I even understood how upset she was to let me know that I could talk with her only about work matters. I have respected that for a month, but I felt as if I were in a no-win situation. If I did not reach out and let her know I value her, then it would for certain be the end of any possible healing. By reaching out, I risk further negative response. But, since I mailed a card to her house, she cannot bring our employer into it and, I hope, I have not given her grounds for suit. I did, at the end of the card, state that if she truly does not want to talk with me, I will respect that, but that I felt our relationship being what it was it was worth one attempt.
In other news, layoffs are continuing. I am ok tonight. We shall see.
I am gaining weight and my knee has been so sore that it has been hard to move. Bending me knee is excruciating.
I had an advanced eye test on Saturday and learned that, unlike most people with astigmatism, mine is vertical in my eye. Unfortunately, I also learned that the specialist will want to see me often. I don't like him, but he is covered by my insurance. I'll give him another shot and see if my first visit with him in February was a fluke.
BF is back in town and my eldest cat is pulling her hair out in tufts.
Stress.......Yup. That covers it.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Things have been happening lately. I've have come home so tired that I have not had the mental energy to string words together to draft a blog. The training session with Yvonne went better than I thought it would. I thought it broke the ice and we could move forward, but, no. There is zero relationship between us and it hurts. Late this week, I thought to myself, she's just like my mother. Mother chose not to be in my life and it is her loss. Thinking about it like that gave me about half a day's peace. Then I heard her laughing and chatting with someone else after which she walked past me without anything. I just don't understand how it could be that easy to throw away a friendship.
This is impacting me in huge ways. I am not sleeping. I am not eating right. I have no energy and no interest in taking care of myself. Last night I ate a whole pint of ice cream! Holy cow! I can't remember the last time I did something like that.
The other work stuff has been nuts. The request for production is completed, at least the first part. I am mentoring a few students this summer and have not had the time to spend with them because of the production. My boss is also their boss and he knows the situation. These are young students who are acting as if they need more supervision than I can give.
The training schedule for the new system has slipped by three weeks. That means my vacation to see my brother has been truncated and I am very lucky that I get any time at all. At first, I was going to take a week off and visit my brother, nephew and stepmother in New Mexico. The schedule slippage killed that. Then I was told I could leave after work on Thursday and be back on Monday. That would have meant, with travel time, less than 48 hours to visit. Then my boss's boss got involved and I get to leave early on Wednesday afternoon, arrive in ABQ after midnight and have all Thursday, Friday and Saturday with my family! I fly back on Sunday, Aug 12. I can't wait and I am so grateful for this partial week!
My partner comes home this coming Friday. He's been out of town for 8 months. I wanted the day off, but have not heard if I get it or not. My boss was off Friday and will be off most of the next 2 weeks. His boss is off this coming week as is another attorney. A small part of me is jealous that they get to take the time off and I don't get as much as I wanted. My brother and nephew are traveling from Japan -it's not often I get to see them!
In the back of my mind, I anticipate the training schedule will slip and it will turn out that I could have had the entire week off....
Next Saturday, they're doing a CT scan on my eyes. I did not even know they did stuff like that. I can't help but wonder. I am not worried. I expect they'll find out my eyes are fine, just weird...
It is very, very hot here. Praying for rain!
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the day I train Yvonne how to process the government contracts. If you read any of my recent blogs, you know that a) we were good friends (I thought), b) we used to do fun things together c) there have long been intermittent strange episodes and d) she has decided we are no longer friends due to a massive miscommunication. Long story short, she took a personal miscommunication and made it a company issue. We have not spoken since before this started. (There could a billions of words written about the perils of email). She told me that I could not speak with her except on work topics. So that closes the door to even attempting to a) apologize b) explain that I never meant this to happen c) mend fences....The company knows that I am exceedingly uncomfortable with the whole situation. I am embarrassed and humiliated that she brought our employer into a personal issue. We were walking down the same hall two days ago and, if looks could kill, I would not be here. Yesterday, we happened to be in the ladies room at the same time. We did not maintain eye contact. When this started, she would not walk past my office (I sit close to the exit) and has recently taken to holding something up against her head so I can't see her face as she walks by. With that background, we are supposed to spend time together tomorrow. I have not been able to eat or sleep since this happened. My tummy is in knots. This morning, I told my boss that I am really not comfortable with the situation. He had told me when he told me that Yvonne brought the company into it that if I were uncomfortable, he wanted me to tell him. That was a pointless exercise. All it got was another "take one for the team" and another note in my file.
I crave your good thoughts for that hour (8:30-9:30 Pacific tomorrow morning).
Tomorrow, I will finish the first round of production - the subpoena response I have been immersed with for more than a month. In between start and finish, my supervising attorney was laid off and another has taken over. It was during these weeks of intense work and more OT hours than I can count that the deal with Yvonne happened. This subpoena is the first time my current attorney has supervised my work in this way. He was my boss when I started paralegal school, in fact he gets the credit for launching my fabulous foray into paralegal world, but, as with any attorney, I have to learn his style and preferences.
During the time we've been working on the subpoena response, we've talked about other things. The company instituted a "thou shalt not vacation" during most of the summer for those of us who will be doing the system training and user testing. When he heard that my brother and nephew are coming to the US in August, he said my traveling to NM to see them is not negotiable - I must go! YAY!
Today was my stepmother's birthday. She is my brother's mom and will be hosting us. She is so excited. She got even more excited when I said I wanted to come in the weekend before so we could have some one-on-one time. She is almost halfway between my Dad's age and mine, so we have gotten very close over the years. She more than fills the emptiness that I have since my own mother chose not to be part of my life.
I have not been sleeping well between the long hours of work, the Yvonne situation and my own intermittent insomnia. Because I have been nearly physically unglued over the Yvonne situation, I decided I MUST sleep tonight. It being Mom's birthday gave me the excuse to have comfort food to go with the alcohol. A green chili cheeseburger, decadent chocolate ice cream and a rum coke. I NEVER do this.
But I know this is a medicating my pain with food.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I could not sleep last night and got up at 2:45. I have not been sleeping well since this whole thing with Yvonne started. I was not sleeping well prior to that because my mind was so caught up with the project I'm doing at work. I got to work just after 5:30 and was able to make some very good headway on my project before meetings started.
First was with my supervising attorneys via email since we're in 3 different places due to their crazy schedules. Then there was the All-Hand's meeting where the CEO gave his rationale for laying off our top attorney and another senior executive (cost cutting). Between those meetings, I had lunch and an hour to return to the project. After the All-hands, I had another hour before my meeting with my boss. I did not know why we were meeting, but I had several ideas. I was not fired or laid off. But the primary reason for the meeting was that Yvonne went to her boss who went to my boss and, legally they had to, they went to HR. My boss said he knows me well enough to know that my intentions were good but she took it all wrong. I told him they don't have the whole story and he said he knew that. But, I now have a warning in my personnel jacket.
I LOVE my job, my company and my boss and I was horrified, mortified and humiliated to have that kind of conversation with my boss. I have known, liked and respected him for all of the my 11 years at the company. It was an awful conversation to be having and, to his credit, while he was wearing his metaphysical manager's hat, it was uncomfortable for him as well. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I was struggling so hard to maintain my composure that I could hardly talk. My throat closes when I am that upset and my jaw locks, my lip quivers and it is all I can do to get a word out. He told me he knows I will be professional because I am always professional (I appreciated that) but he had to warn me that if there were any other issues, there would be a bigger discussion and they would have to take measures. Not stated but implied included termination.
I have been doing a part of Yvonne's job for about 3 years. Upper management has decided she will handle the government contracts again and I have to train her because they are all "one-off" from the transactions she normally deals with. I told my boss that I would be able to do that in a professional manner, but not immediately. Not that I am going to lose my mind or anything, but it's just too painful. He understood. He had not realized that she has ended our friendship and that stunned him. As I said, he does not know the whole story. But I will no longer be her back-up when she goes on vacation, so that frees me up from that clerical work and allows me to do more paralegal work.
That change is not because of this issue. My boss has been trying to get me out of doing clerical stuff for more than a year, but it took a reorganizational change a couple of months ago for this to happen. The contracts teams have been moved into a different group and are no longer under the Legal Department's umbrella. That allowed my boss to ask the question why a Legal employee would be doing work for that other group when the 2 groups do not have the same management "food chain". So the timing is coincidental, but it works out in the long run.
My looming OT for the summer has been cut. I was really looking forward to that money!
Now I have the stress of how am I going to get my regular work done as well as all the new computer training and testing AND mentor 3 students!
A former coworker who has remained a friend called me as soon as I got home. She lives clear across the country, but we hang out whenever we can. She was concerned about me and was stunned when I told her all of the day's news. We talked for over an hour and it was such a balm for my battered spirit!
It will take a while, but I will recover my equilibrium. I think it will take much longer for me to get over my incredulity that this whole thing happened and ended the way it did.
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