Friday, April 13, 2012
Is it a negative affirmation, a perpetuation of negativity if I say that I am struggling? If I recount all the struggles, does that feed into some kind of karma that means they will continue to occur? If yes, then I am doomed. I am as stuck as those dinosaurs were when they found the La Brea tar pits (never been there, just seen shows about the place).
Those who've followed my blogs know that a) I hate to exercise b) I have a minor handicap c) I have reached that point of life where there are more deaths than marriages or births d) I am in some sort of depressed state e) I just spent over $3K getting my old car fixed and...
Exercise = pain, exercise = failure and I choose to experience neither. Is it any wonder that I am obese? No, the truth is in the choices I've made and only a small part of it has to do with the limitations I've been given. You'd think it were the other way around from the way I look, sound and act.
I've lost people who were very important to me, mostly through death but some through indifference or life's vicissitudes. I find that I seem to care far more for certain people than they do me and when a situation highlights that, it can be painful. I am choosing not to deal with that pain.
Or should I say I am choosing not to deal with that pain in the most constructive possible manner. I have been "self-medicating" by eating. There. I said it. I am so numb, I don't even have a reaction. I "should" do better. I must do better - my life depends on it.
I have no energy. I do not have energy to laugh and be joyful. I do not have the energy to cry, be sad or be angry. The msot I can muster is irritation. And I have snarky down, believe me. Maybe that's why I have no friends.
I have been hemmorhaging money this year with car repair ($3k is a lot but it is cheaper than a newer car), maintenance for my home (the mobile home is nearly as old as I am and is showing its age in expensive ways).
Today, I told the family that I would likely not be able to make it to the reunion with Mom Angell. The daughters are saying that this is likely her last year. In my head, I know what that means but my heart is in denial. Mom Angell was the subject of at least one blog earlier - without her, I might not have finished my senior year of college. Without her, I would have probably committed suicide that summer. We have been close ever since. (Long beautiful story about a truly beautiful woman!) She is my "adopted" mom and I love her without end.
On top of all the other stressers, I am probably in perimenopause and having most of the classic symptoms - brain fog, energy drain, very mild (so far) flashes, mood issues, etc.
Last night, we had thunder and lightning and very heavy rain. The lightning and thunder woke me up, my cats were very nervous and my roof leaked. But I gave thanks for the rain because California needs it.
This morning, I powered on my laptop at home before heading off to work. I seldom do that, saving all my SP and email time for after work, so this was unusual. I woke up extra early because of the storm and could not go back to sleep. The laptop powered up and I logged in. Before I could do much else, it suddenly went black. No power. Not from the cord, not from the battery. No warning.
I am afraid it is fried. I am on my way to Best Buy (where I bought it and where I have a service plan). I am terrified that it is toast. I had been intending to buy a surge protector but had not gotten around to it. I am kicking myself for that and also for not backing up my files, such as they are (pictures, geneology research and a handful of documents). Fortunately, the most critical stuff like bank info is on a flash drive and I have that.
I am car dumb. I don't want to learn how to repair cars. I would rather pay people to do it. I am not that bad with computers, but I have been lazy. It goes back to that complete lack of energy.
So I am off to Best Buy's Geek Squad hoping they can be my heroes again and praying I don't have a very expensive piece of nothing in my computer case.
Thanks for reading. I know no one has a magic wand, but I will accept prayers, positive thoughts, etc not just about the computer (in the grand scheme of things, even the worst scenario with the computer is minor), but everything. I truly need help.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
My mechanic has his own shop - it is not a dealership repair shop - and I trust him. For me, that's big. I have experienced the stereotypical horror stories that you hear about with women at dealerships whether sales or service, so finding Eric and his brother, is a real blessing.
They had my car for nearly 2 weeks and will have it for another day soon when the last part arrives and is painted.
The 2 weeks was replacing 3 different sensors related to the brakes and replacing an interior door handle. On my car, that means replacing the entire interior door panel because it is two pieces. It's the cap piece that still has not arrived, needs to be painted and mounted. Eric "buttoned up" the car for me so I could return the rental and be back in my own car. YAY! The last part installation will happen while I am at work in one day so I won't have to rent a car. A coworker will drive me back and forth and I will buy her breakfast or lunch at the cafe next door - far cheaper than the 2 mile taxi ride would be!
The rental was over $700 and the repair so far is just under $2300. Big pain in my wallet, but cheaper than replacing the car....
The stress, the uncertainty, some depression - I am not otherwise doing well in any realm. Lots of binge eating, not drinking water and not exercising (major joint pain and tendonitis have returned).
I'd like to sleep for about a week and be a couch potato for that time but I know that does not move anything forward...
Saturday, April 07, 2012
My sister-in-law's mother died Wednesday after losing her 3rd bout with breast cancer. I never got to meet her, but heard nothing but wonderful things about her from my brother and his mother (my stepmother). Her passing is a crushing blow, albeit not unexpected, for the entire family. My sister-in-law is Yoko. She has a younger sister and they have a stepfather. My nephew is the first grandchild. He will be 7 this summer.
I wore a red shirt every Friday in February, not even knowing that her cancer was breast cancer. What an awful disease.
I wish I could give Yoko a hug and do something meaningful that might offer comfort.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
After yesterday's great news that my Dallas coworkers came through the tornadoes unscathed, today I have more reasons to be thankful.
Thank you, MISSY455, for your tip about my callus. I HOPE it works!
I won't get my car back from repair until next week, but the fantastic news is that, while the bill is high, it is not nearly as high as I feared1
I have been mentoring a student employee (a new but rewarding experience for me). Monday, I did not see her, but I did not think about it - I was so busy, I just figured our paths did not cross. I was away from my desk a lot.
Tuesday, I called her and did not hear back. This morning, I spoke to my boss (who is also her boss). Our policy is that, if any employee (regardless of status) does not report in by the end of the 3rd day, they can be terminated. The employee does not have to come in, but they need to give a reason for their absence. I left her another message and about 2 hours later, sent her an email. Sometime after that, my cell phone rang. It was my student! She was in one piece! Apparently, her car was stolen over the weekend and in the car was her school bag and her contact info was in that. She said she had no way to call us. In the back of my mind, I wondered: internet? phone book? 411? She had left her cell phone charger at work.
We hugged when she came in - so glad she is ok!
But I have been eating everything in sight. Can't seem to stop! ACK!
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
I was on a conference call with a number of people including the attorney whose daughter is a patient at St. Jude's. Madeleine is two and it was wonderful hearing her laugh in the background - I am so thankful that she's not sick with the chemo yet!
The tornadoes and all that went with them did not directly impact my coworkers in Dallas. I am SO thankful that they are ok! The measure of my relief is indicative of how worried I was about them.
I thought about parking at Mervyns and walking there, but I was afraid I would just go shopping and talk myself out of walking the perimeter of the huge parking lot. Remembering the construction near there made me head straight home.
But tonight, I did not turn into instant couch potato. My handyman finally resurfaced, so we talked about what needs to be done. That led to the need to get some money for him (I always pay part up front and the rest when completed). I also had a bill to pay, so I walked to the shopping center, visited the ATM and, to break the $20, bought a basket of strawberries and paid the bill at the hardware store.
It felt so good to walk! It ended up being an hour and the weather was perfect! My feet are sore, but I feel great! I had forgotten that exercise can feel good! (Now if only I could get that callus on the ball of my foot to vanish)
The icing on the cake (is a food statement ok on SP?!) is that my Sparkfriend Kim has resurfaced!
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