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Is it Wrong?

Friday, April 13, 2012

Is it a negative affirmation, a perpetuation of negativity if I say that I am struggling? If I recount all the struggles, does that feed into some kind of karma that means they will continue to occur? If yes, then I am doomed. I am as stuck as those dinosaurs were when they found the La Brea tar pits (never been there, just seen shows about the place).

Those who've followed my blogs know that a) I hate to exercise b) I have a minor handicap c) I have reached that point of life where there are more deaths than marriages or births d) I am in some sort of depressed state e) I just spent over $3K getting my old car fixed and...

Exercise = pain, exercise = failure and I choose to experience neither. Is it any wonder that I am obese? No, the truth is in the choices I've made and only a small part of it has to do with the limitations I've been given. You'd think it were the other way around from the way I look, sound and act.

I've lost people who were very important to me, mostly through death but some through indifference or life's vicissitudes. I find that I seem to care far more for certain people than they do me and when a situation highlights that, it can be painful. I am choosing not to deal with that pain.

Or should I say I am choosing not to deal with that pain in the most constructive possible manner. I have been "self-medicating" by eating. There. I said it. I am so numb, I don't even have a reaction. I "should" do better. I must do better - my life depends on it.

And yet.

I have no energy. I do not have energy to laugh and be joyful. I do not have the energy to cry, be sad or be angry. The msot I can muster is irritation. And I have snarky down, believe me. Maybe that's why I have no friends.

I have been hemmorhaging money this year with car repair ($3k is a lot but it is cheaper than a newer car), maintenance for my home (the mobile home is nearly as old as I am and is showing its age in expensive ways).

Today, I told the family that I would likely not be able to make it to the reunion with Mom Angell. The daughters are saying that this is likely her last year. In my head, I know what that means but my heart is in denial. Mom Angell was the subject of at least one blog earlier - without her, I might not have finished my senior year of college. Without her, I would have probably committed suicide that summer. We have been close ever since. (Long beautiful story about a truly beautiful woman!) She is my "adopted" mom and I love her without end.

On top of all the other stressers, I am probably in perimenopause and having most of the classic symptoms - brain fog, energy drain, very mild (so far) flashes, mood issues, etc.

Last night, we had thunder and lightning and very heavy rain. The lightning and thunder woke me up, my cats were very nervous and my roof leaked. But I gave thanks for the rain because California needs it.

This morning, I powered on my laptop at home before heading off to work. I seldom do that, saving all my SP and email time for after work, so this was unusual. I woke up extra early because of the storm and could not go back to sleep. The laptop powered up and I logged in. Before I could do much else, it suddenly went black. No power. Not from the cord, not from the battery. No warning.

I am afraid it is fried. I am on my way to Best Buy (where I bought it and where I have a service plan). I am terrified that it is toast. I had been intending to buy a surge protector but had not gotten around to it. I am kicking myself for that and also for not backing up my files, such as they are (pictures, geneology research and a handful of documents). Fortunately, the most critical stuff like bank info is on a flash drive and I have that.

I am car dumb. I don't want to learn how to repair cars. I would rather pay people to do it. I am not that bad with computers, but I have been lazy. It goes back to that complete lack of energy.

So I am off to Best Buy's Geek Squad hoping they can be my heroes again and praying I don't have a very expensive piece of nothing in my computer case.

Thanks for reading. I know no one has a magic wand, but I will accept prayers, positive thoughts, etc not just about the computer (in the grand scheme of things, even the worst scenario with the computer is minor), but everything. I truly need help.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 4/14/2012 2:03PM

    emoticonNo it is not wrong to say you need support. I have been following your blogs for a while and I know when you feel well you do exercise, and you are proud of your self.

Have you read any of INDYGIRL blogs? She is an amazing inspiration and started slowly with chair exercises. Any thing is possible. Don't forget you do have Sparkfriends and we are real ! emoticon

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MAWRTIAN 4/14/2012 5:47AM

    Dear friend, I have already started praying for you. I have gotten such strength and uplifting from some spark friends, please know you have support from across the miles. Use this blog to vent always, this is a good outlet. Yesterday, on the treadmill I was hating every minute, but sometimes going through the motions still does a body good, lol. You are strong, you can get through it all!!!

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_LINDA 4/14/2012 2:06AM

    Its never wrong to admit you are struggling and its especially not wrong to ask for help when you need it.
I will say you have always seemed to be much too affectionate and concerned about your co workers. Just because you see them everyday and they are in your life for a long part of it doesn't mean they are automatically your good buddies and you should have all of sudden this close friendship. It doesn't usually work that way. Most people I know don't make friends with their co workers. You just put your hours in and go home to your separate lives. In fact, none of my family has made any friends with the people they work with. I have not made any friends with the people at the bridge club in spite of it being a more social setting. I simply don't have anything in common with them outside of the game of bridge. You are a very caring and considerate person, but are wasted on the people you work with. I hope that you can find a true friend someday that actually belongs in your life and that you can enjoy good times with. You whole life seems to be centered around your work (yes, long hours are a part of career advancement I get it), but you need something more, outside of it. Something that you can enjoy doing and take your mind of anything else like financial woes, repair problems and work problems. Put that incredible mind of yours to work finding something you can do and enjoy. Having nothing fun to do in your life does mean you will sink into depression, giving up, binging, what ever to try control stress and forget your troubles in a very unhealthy way.
Please take care of yourself, you are indeed worth it

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ACIMPEGGY 4/13/2012 11:11PM

    Sweetheart, have you tried affirmations? Even if you don't believe them at first, THEY DO WORK. Repeating them over and over eventually convinces your subconscious mind. Then all you gotta do is follow your intuition...(wow! have I done speeches on this!)

Here is my all time fav:

Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.

AS far as the loss of loved ones...we have all been through that. I still wonder what I would do without my Susie, my kids, my kitty. BUT, as a student of A Course in Miracles (and as a witness to loved ones still being near and guiding me), I DO believe Spirit is the Reality. This dimension is just to communicate, learn and grow closer knowing we are One.

Sigh. ACIM does bring peace.

As far as having no friends? Hey, honey...ya got me!

emoticon emoticon

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CARRAND 4/13/2012 8:21PM

    You seem really down today, but I know you can be positive, too, because I've read very positive blogs from you in the past.

Are you still tracking your steps? I was always impressed with the number of steps you got in every day.

Are you still doing kettle bells? They sound like fun.

What's going on with toast masters? You are so brave to do public speaking.

I hope you can see some of the positive things about yourself that I see. You are a lovely person, and you deserve the best.

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I Got My Car Back - For Now

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My mechanic has his own shop - it is not a dealership repair shop - and I trust him. For me, that's big. I have experienced the stereotypical horror stories that you hear about with women at dealerships whether sales or service, so finding Eric and his brother, is a real blessing.

They had my car for nearly 2 weeks and will have it for another day soon when the last part arrives and is painted.

The 2 weeks was replacing 3 different sensors related to the brakes and replacing an interior door handle. On my car, that means replacing the entire interior door panel because it is two pieces. It's the cap piece that still has not arrived, needs to be painted and mounted. Eric "buttoned up" the car for me so I could return the rental and be back in my own car. YAY! The last part installation will happen while I am at work in one day so I won't have to rent a car. A coworker will drive me back and forth and I will buy her breakfast or lunch at the cafe next door - far cheaper than the 2 mile taxi ride would be!

The rental was over $700 and the repair so far is just under $2300. Big pain in my wallet, but cheaper than replacing the car....

The stress, the uncertainty, some depression - I am not otherwise doing well in any realm. Lots of binge eating, not drinking water and not exercising (major joint pain and tendonitis have returned).

I'd like to sleep for about a week and be a couch potato for that time but I know that does not move anything forward...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 4/11/2012 12:26PM

    I'm glad the car trauma is almost over. Cars are expensive, but I agree, it's cheaper than a new car. It sounds like you have it under control. Now you need to ease back into the good food and exercise habits.


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CATLADY52 4/11/2012 11:39AM

    The thought of going to a dealer makes me shudder. I'm lucky that the last time I did go was to pick up a dashboard cover. I hope you can get past the stress, etc soon. It's too bad there isn't a 'STRESS' bin where you can just put life's stressful parts in and receive a token in return. emoticon

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MISSY455 4/11/2012 1:01AM

    emoticon I know what you mean about finding a mechanic you trust. I am glad you have someone you can rely on.

I'm sorry to hear you feel like things are not going well. When I felt like things were spiraling out of control, I focused on just one healthy habit. Mine was drinking 8 glasses of water. I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. It seemed to take some of the pressure off until I could get myself back on track. I hope you find something that works for you. You have hung in this long... you are worth the effort.

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_LINDA 4/11/2012 12:55AM

    That is good you have someone trustworthy to fix your car that is worth their weight in gold for a single female all right.
Sorry to hear you are not doing well, maybe its time to visit a Dr. with some help with your issues. You and your health are worth it... Try to make sure you have healthy food on hand only so you don't binge on the junk..
Thinking of you,

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I Wish I Were in Japan Right Now

Saturday, April 07, 2012

My sister-in-law's mother died Wednesday after losing her 3rd bout with breast cancer. I never got to meet her, but heard nothing but wonderful things about her from my brother and his mother (my stepmother). Her passing is a crushing blow, albeit not unexpected, for the entire family. My sister-in-law is Yoko. She has a younger sister and they have a stepfather. My nephew is the first grandchild. He will be 7 this summer.

I wore a red shirt every Friday in February, not even knowing that her cancer was breast cancer. What an awful disease.

I wish I could give Yoko a hug and do something meaningful that might offer comfort.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FATHINSN 4/11/2012 11:55PM

    Sorry for the loss, I wish you have met her when she was alive.

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CARRAND 4/10/2012 9:45AM

    Sorry to hear it.

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    Sorry for your loss emoticon

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_LINDA 4/7/2012 1:24AM

    So very sorry to hear of her loss :( I have known too many people who have succumbed to breast cancer :( Its one of the charities I support. A donation, or signing up for a charity race in her name would be an appropriate remembrance. Its also good motivation to get moving..
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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REDSHOES2011 4/7/2012 12:25AM

    Sorry to hear of your loss, it is tough being so far away..

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Another Day of Thanksgiving!

Thursday, April 05, 2012

After yesterday's great news that my Dallas coworkers came through the tornadoes unscathed, today I have more reasons to be thankful.

Thank you, MISSY455, for your tip about my callus. I HOPE it works!

I won't get my car back from repair until next week, but the fantastic news is that, while the bill is high, it is not nearly as high as I feared1

I have been mentoring a student employee (a new but rewarding experience for me). Monday, I did not see her, but I did not think about it - I was so busy, I just figured our paths did not cross. I was away from my desk a lot.

Tuesday, I called her and did not hear back. This morning, I spoke to my boss (who is also her boss). Our policy is that, if any employee (regardless of status) does not report in by the end of the 3rd day, they can be terminated. The employee does not have to come in, but they need to give a reason for their absence. I left her another message and about 2 hours later, sent her an email. Sometime after that, my cell phone rang. It was my student! She was in one piece! Apparently, her car was stolen over the weekend and in the car was her school bag and her contact info was in that. She said she had no way to call us. In the back of my mind, I wondered: internet? phone book? 411? She had left her cell phone charger at work.

We hugged when she came in - so glad she is ok!

But I have been eating everything in sight. Can't seem to stop! ACK!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 4/5/2012 2:38PM

    I'm glad your student was OK.

Try to do better on the food tomorrow. You can do it!

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MISSY455 4/5/2012 2:47AM

    Your student is lucky you are so diligent (and caring!) Most employers would have only made one phone call and called it good.

I know you must be relieved to find out your car repair isn't going to be as expensive as you thought.

Hope the rest of your week goes well!

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_LINDA 4/5/2012 2:38AM

    Those Texas storms were so frightening -its truly amazing no one was killed in them!! So glad your student was okay -that is awful to have your car stolen :(
I have a big problem with corns and calluses on my feet -I see the podiatrist regularly to keep them shaved down. I use cushions -both foam pieces and the stick on donut holes. The stick ons seem to work the best for protecting the area..
Wish you could find a way to control the stress in your life -it would go a long way to help you with overeating..You worry so much about other people, but seem to worry little about yourself -remember you are important too!
I hope you can get some rest and relaxing times with the Easter long weekend..
emoticon emoticon

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Wow! It Feels Great!

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

I was on a conference call with a number of people including the attorney whose daughter is a patient at St. Jude's. Madeleine is two and it was wonderful hearing her laugh in the background - I am so thankful that she's not sick with the chemo yet!

The tornadoes and all that went with them did not directly impact my coworkers in Dallas. I am SO thankful that they are ok! The measure of my relief is indicative of how worried I was about them.

I thought about parking at Mervyns and walking there, but I was afraid I would just go shopping and talk myself out of walking the perimeter of the huge parking lot. Remembering the construction near there made me head straight home.

But tonight, I did not turn into instant couch potato. My handyman finally resurfaced, so we talked about what needs to be done. That led to the need to get some money for him (I always pay part up front and the rest when completed). I also had a bill to pay, so I walked to the shopping center, visited the ATM and, to break the $20, bought a basket of strawberries and paid the bill at the hardware store.

It felt so good to walk! It ended up being an hour and the weather was perfect! My feet are sore, but I feel great! I had forgotten that exercise can feel good! (Now if only I could get that callus on the ball of my foot to vanish)

The icing on the cake (is a food statement ok on SP?!) is that my Sparkfriend Kim has resurfaced!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSY455 4/4/2012 11:42AM

    So glad you enjoyed the walk! Sometimes everything just clicks, and it doesn't even feel like exercise :-)

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LIBBYFITZ 4/4/2012 10:45AM


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CARRAND 4/4/2012 10:04AM

    Woo Hoo! I'm glad to hear you were walking and enjoying life.

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