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Stressed but not Stuffing My Face (Yet!)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

My 2000 New Beetle is in the shop. Don't know what's wrong except that it sounds, smells and feels funny and almost all of the dash lights are on. Sounds expensive and I will be renting a car for far too long. It may be time to replace the car and I sure can't afford to do that!

But I am not stuffing my face yet.

My home needs repairs including some obvious external fixes. BF is out of town for a few more months. I can't fix them and the handyman I retained seems to have better things to do.

But I am not stuffing my face yet.

My workload has started to get heavier with the promise of a months-long avalanche looming.
We're about to do a computer system (software) conversion, I will be leading a huge archiving project this summer and....

But I am not stuffing my face yet.

My home is a mobile home in very poor shape, nearly as old as I am, and the park owner just put in a new home next door with updated interior and very nice landscaping (and I have landscaping issues on top of utilities, leaky roof etc), so, with this showcase for which he is charging $1495 a month rent next door to me, I feel the pressure!

But I am not stuffing my face yet.

My internet provider's broadband access card has failed for the THIRD time! I am uncertain when I will be able to get back online at home and even less confident that the service will continue to work. I really hate things that don't work and find this annoying, frustrating and at my wit's end. I am considering hunting for a more reliable provider. The rep tried to blame me last night. I said I don't have a dog so the device has not become a chew toy, I did not baptise it with soda...They are also trying to blame Windows 7 as the cause of the failure

But I am not stuffing my face yet.

However, this is not all victory. I FEEL like stuffing my face. I have a flare up of the tendonitis, a swollen knee (same leg) and various other health issues that make exercise even more of a challenge than it normally is. I have not felt well all month. There is some bug going around that seems to be recirculating through. The cold/fever etc don't seem to be terrible, but the energy drain is horrible!

I am not making progress, but I am not losing ground.

Did y'all see Michelene Cleary's blog about the two people who were dieting? JJ gave up and was discouraged because he/she lost about a pound a week. The other person (I forgot the name) lost less than a pound a week, but she ended up losing around 100 pounds! I sent MICHCLEARY a spark goodie because the blog was so inspirational to me. I was averaging about 1/4 to 1/2 a pound loss late last year. Then I started gaining because I almost, almost but not quite, gave up.

Since my leg and knee are not reliable, I am rediscovering my tiny kettlebells. I know I should be using ones that weigh a LOT more, but I am finding the 5lb bell plenty right now. The 3lb bell is now too light! WOOHOO!

I still want to chew...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POORGIRL_DIET 3/31/2012 10:49PM

    glad you are still fighting and not using the stresses around you to stuff your face, sorry that sounds crude but you know what I mean! Keep going hun you are doing well

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CARRAND 3/30/2012 11:52AM

    I totally understand the urge to stuff your face. I did a fair amount of nervous eating yesterday as I completed my federal and state tax returns. In the end, I do have refunds coming from both. The gluten free chocolate chip cookies did not help, although it seemed like they were helping at the time.

I love that you do kettle bells. They sound like a good stress reliever to me.

Hang in there. You have challenges, but you're coping.

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DBCLARINET 3/30/2012 7:08AM

    When you're lifting weights, you lift what you can lift, and that's that. I took a kettlebell class with an amazing trainer who used to be a strongman -- he held the world record for longest time holding a car up. No joke. But his philosophy of strength wasn't about how much you could lift, it was how much could you do relative to the size of your body and your gender. He said a girl who can do a pullup is very strong, and come on, this coming from a guy who could lift a car!

There's a woman at my gym who is so buff it's intimidating. Then I saw her on the assisted pull-up machine using 60 lbs. of assistance -- I swear that had to be half her body weight. She was just doing what she could do, what was best for her, and she had some killer results!

I agree, I think you need a new internet provider. That's such garbage.

Not to sound nosy, but why can't you do some of the repairs or a little bit of landscaping yourself? Is it because your leg and knee give you trouble? Maybe there are some smaller things you can do to help you feel like you're in control of the situation. I won't even pretend to understand the situation you're in, I can only offer that suggestion.

Way to fight the stressors! Just remember that stuffing your face will end up being another stressor and you don't need that!

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_LINDA 3/30/2012 1:22AM

    Way to fight the stressors!! When the internet provider is trying to blame you for its troubles, its time to look for a new one. That is just plain ridiculous!!
Awesome with the kettlebell!! We all do things at our own level and what others may think means nothing. I am sure I would get the sniggers in my fitness classes when I am using the little dumbbells when everyone else can use the big ones, but I was told five pounds is my limit and that is all I will lift.
I have to admit, when you are renting, I thought it was the landlord's job to keep up the property, not yours, is this something you signed in the lease or something, that you would take of any repairs and work needed?
Always remember, the one thing you CAN control in your life is what you eat. Say no to unhealthy food..
Keep strong!
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SETAGOAL1 3/29/2012 9:17PM

    You have not given up on yourself. You now know you are the only one that can make it happen for you.

You have the power to succeed or fail.

You have chosen to succeed.

Few baby steps complete a long journey

Writing is progress!!!

Janet emoticon

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"Does Not Play Well With Others" and Other No Longer True Litanies

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Those of you who've followed my story recently know that my first grade teacher died earlier this year at the age of 97! We have known each other for nearly 50 years. This past weekend was my cousin's birthday, the same cousin who died 3 years ago in a solo car accident leaving 3 children without their mother. My birthday just passed and the 2 year anniversary of my brother's roommate in Afghanistan looms large.

With all that as a backdrop, a memory dropped in my conscious thoughts today. I did not like my 2nd grade teacher as well as I had my first grade teacher. Mrs. Corbin was really tough! Looking back, that was a hint that I would have trouble adjusting to change, another point for reflection, but not today.

Years later, I had the opportunity to look at my school records and found one of my report cards from Mrs. Corbin. Back then, grading was much simpler. S = Satisfactory, I = Incomplete and U = Unsatisfactory. Plus, there was a lot more weight on the written comments from the teacher. I saw "...does not play well with others." That has haunted me for years as have many other statements or beliefs.

Thinking about how untrue that statement is now made me think about others, some that others said about or to me and others that I have long held true. For the sake of brevity, I will not share those I heard from Mother, most of which are not printable anyway.

I am clumsy - not true. I have physical challenges, but it turns out the falls are not due to clumsiness, but either to fatigue, vision challenges or balance issues. Those are minute distinctions, but "clumsy" is an emotionally charged term that I choose now not to use.

If I am no longer clumsy, then it is incumbent on me to find physical activities that will be fun and good for me. It means I am no longer incapable of doing anything, I am capable of doing something. (I just need to find it.)

So, a few labels are still true, but they are not a life sentence. I am obese. I am fat. Those are facts but I don't have to own them for the rest of my life. I can choose daily, hourly, whatever interval makes sense, to act in ways that, in time, will make those two facts no longer true.

I choose success!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 3/29/2012 11:16AM

    Well that blog certainly brought up some memories of "could do better" or "has potential, but needs to concentrate more"

I still remember the names of those teachers!

High school was a bit better, I think because by the time I got to 2nd year after repeating 1st year (another story) I managed to make friends with nice kind people and I am still friends with a few of them now!

It is a shame that we see in the news that bullying still goes on, and a psychiatrist said in the news today that we have to not wrap our kids up in cotton wool and teach them how to deal with. Mmmm I wonder if she was bullied?

Hope you are feeling better.
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_LINDA 3/28/2012 12:34AM

    I had that designation as well in school. I guess when the kids are too busy bullying you, you don't get on well with them lol. It resulted in me being painfully shy for half of my life. The insecurities do surface every now and then, particularly when dealing with domineering people. But I am a person and have the right to be on this planet too.
Here is to breaking out of the labels!
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CARRAND 3/27/2012 9:12AM

    Those early assessments from teachers or parents really can haunt us for life. My mother told me in kindergarten that I "couldn't carry a tune" and I never sang again.

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MISSY455 3/27/2012 2:19AM

    emoticon Every time you choose the best of two options, you are being successful!

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Partial Personnel Review Today

Friday, March 23, 2012

My new haircut elicited 99% positive feedback, which was fun. I had not realized how much of an ego boost the haircut would be - not the compliments - they were gravy, but that knowledge inside that I looked good.

As it happened, I did not get the full personnel review today. My boss had computer issues with the form, so the written form is not finished. He did not give me any real feedback today. The conversation was more about the structure of the form and the importance of the ratings.

There are 5 rankings. Number 5 is "exceptionally proficient" and no one gets that - ever.
4 is something like outstanding
3 is proficient
2 is "mostly proficient"
1 is something like needs improvement

The higher your rating, the higher your bonus and raise will be. He did not directly say but strongly hinted, because I have been in my position less than a year, I will get a 2. He knows I won't be happy with that, but he does not think the ranking is as severe as I do.

He asked me 3 times if I had questions and I said I would reserve them until I get to see the comments. So this conversation will continue on Monday. He also strongly hinted that, if I excel this year, I will earn a promotion in 2013. Bring it on!

It is supposed to be very wet this weekend. If it is, I will do chores around the house and kettlebells. If it's doable, I will do errands and take a wonderful walk.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 3/24/2012 1:17AM

    Wow tough review! But if he thinks its not that harsh -well its his opinion that is important..Those hints sound like he is very pleased with your work to me..
I hope you can accomplish all you want for your weekend.

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CARRAND 3/23/2012 11:56PM

    Go kettle bells!
In our organization it's very hard to get better than "fully successful" for the first couple of years. I guess they want to keep you motivated to keep learning.

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Showing Love

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Last night, I read a blog on SparkPeople written by a member I'd never interacted with. She said some great things including that one of her daily goals is to show love. She also does something loving for herself.

That got me thinking. I have gotten back in the lifelong habit of putting others first ALL THE TIME. It is no coincidence that I am not making progress on my weight loss goals.

I have not had a hair cut in over a year. I decided I was going to let it grow so I could donate it to Locks of Love. I blogged about that disappointment a week or so ago. At the same time, my hair is a battle. It is thin but it has a very coarse texture. Dad called it wiry. It has been coming out in chunks and it takes too much time, too much pain and does not look good at the end. I have a very hard time getting a comb through it.

This is review season and my personnel review is going to occur tomorrow afternoon. I like my boss a lot, but this will be our first conversation like this and I have no idea what to expect. Several people have already been laid off. In the back of my head, I've been thinking about that. I don't have the wardrobe to job hunt and....there's a whole litany.

So I took the plunge. I got a Power Haircut! (My name for it.) My hair was at my shoulder blades and is now halfway up my ears. I figured this will give me confidence to go in for that performance review. That review leads to the raise, if there is one, this summer, so it's a big deal. And, if I am laid off, at least I will look better for those interviews.

I could ramble on about the office politics, the sickness that just keeps circulating because people don't stay home, but....that would not make interesting reading.

PS. Thanks for the spark goodies and comments!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 3/23/2012 5:40PM

    I'm so glad you got your hair cut. You need to look after yourself. My hair is very thin, but the lady who cuts and colors it does wonders for it. A good haircut just makes me feel good all over.

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JULIA_RUN2SMILE 3/23/2012 7:08AM

    Sending positive vibes your way! Good luck with your review today. Think positive - even if you receive negative comments... think of it as an opportunity to grow (not always easy - I know!)... And thinking about us is not selfish, it is just making you stronger so you can continue to look after others!...

emoticon Your new Spark Friend. Julia
You have a great SparkFriday!

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MISSY455 3/23/2012 2:04AM

    I hope that your review goes well, and your hard work is acknowledged.

There are days I think about getting my hair cut short again, but it takes me so incredibly long to get any decent length back on it, that I always talk myself out of it. I bet it felt wonderful to do though!





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_LINDA 3/23/2012 1:47AM

    I would love to see a photo! All the best with your review -you have been working so hard it should be great! I hear you about people who are sick not staying home- you could hear the coughing all over the bridge club :( Its really rude.. I hope you don't catch anything..
A change in appearance is the first step in taking care of yourself, now go all the way, and get back to the program of living a healthy lifestyle! You can do this!!
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ACIMPEGGY 3/22/2012 10:50PM

    Dear one, I believe when we do for others we do for ourselves, too! You know how good it makes you feel...BUT...you HAVE to include yourself in there, too!

Has your hair always been like that...coarse, thin and not able to get a comb through? I ask because there are prescription drugs that can do strange things, lack of nutrients, etc.

Good luck with your performance review tomorrow. Let us know...and POST A PHOTO! (if you haven't already. I read the blog first ;-)

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St Patrick's Day Thoughts

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I was craving a Rueben sandwich today and was thrilled to see Chef Meg's revised version of it today. But, I did not have one.

After an unreal amount of sleep over the last two days, I feel much better. My fever broke, the sore throat and head stuff seem to be history. I did my grocery shopping - I have not been shopping for a couple of weeks and was out of almost everything. I ended up spending more than I planned, but I also saved a ton, too. If I look at it for 2-3 weeks' worth of money, it's not that much. It's just more than I would normally spend at once.
After spending all that, I decided not to splurge on a Rueben, both moneywise and caloriewise. I successfully resisted the marketing, the social pressure and ignored my tastebuds. Amazing what the power of suggestion does, especially with food!

I came home and took a nap. I think it will be a few more days before I feel 100% again. One of the things I bought were salicylic acid callus removers and am wearing one. I have had a callus on the ball of my right foot for a very long time. It has finally gotten so painful that I have not been walking. Finally, it occurred to me to do something about it. After being out and about today, my foot is feeling much better. Why did I not think of it a lot sooner?!

Today was the first day I logged my food in a long time. I have recently rediscovered some of my trigger foods and have been completely undisciplined. I really know better!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RFJSJ50 3/18/2012 9:23AM

    Reubens are my favorite indulgence - wait - maybe it's really a Shamrock Shake! Both call my name but I try to resist. I did break down and have a small Shamrock Shake yesterday. Thank goodness they're only available in March.
I'm glad you're feeling better and could get out to the store.
Are you sure it's a callus and not a plantar's wart on your foot? I had that once and they can be very painful.
Sheila

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CARRAND 3/18/2012 9:07AM

    I'm glad you are on the mend. Congrats on avoiding the Rueben sandwich. I know how strong those cravings can be, but you are stronger. I'm tracking my food again, too.

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MISSY455 3/18/2012 3:00AM

    Glad you are on the road to recovery. Keep an eye on it though, my DH started with a sore throat and what looked like a normal cold a week ago, was better, then came down with a nasty case of bronchitis. After 4 hours at Urgent Care yesterday (our doctor had zero appt's) he got antibiotics and hopefully can go back to work on Monday.

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_LINDA 3/18/2012 1:52AM

    Glad you are getting plenty of rest and feeling better. I am in the constant care of a podiatrist -she regularly has to scapel off my corns and callus build ups from my big toes. I hope the callus remover works for you.
Great job resisting the sandwich!!
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ACIMPEGGY 3/18/2012 12:06AM

    We learn by our mistakes. Of course, you knew that.

I would have tended to get the Reuben...and save half for another meal.

Glad you're better, hon. Soon you'll be your 'old' self again!

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