Tuesday, February 07, 2012
I've been having a bad attitude for a while now about looming stress at work. My friend and coworker Yvonne is going on two vacations - one this Friday to Mexico to photograph monarch butterflies and next month to Canada to photograph the harp seals. Of course I am happy for her, but I am not at all happy about covering her desk. Past experience shows that she will be at least nominally grateful, her boss will merely grunt at me and they will expect that I will somehow be able to do her desk all day and still do my job! On top of that, I am training and mentoring a brand new student employee and trying to support 7 attorneys. I have no back-up when I go on vacation. So I have been full of self-righteous resentment and have not been happy about that. My internal efforts to adjust my attitude have not been successful.
Then last night, I clicked on an email link and read a really inspiring story. This week was the anniversary of the sinking of the USAT Dorchester by a German sub in 1943. A lot of men died that morning, but it could have been worse. Four chaplains were on board and they gave away their gloves and life jackets, spoke words of encouragement and faith to the men as they helped them get on lifeboats. As the ship sank, the chaplains stood arm in arm on the deck and prayed.
If they could do that, I thought, I can certainly handle what's on my plate! I once gave a Toastmaster speech about being surrounded by heroes. My elder brother gave his life at age 14 when he saved another boy's life, my younger brother has put his life on the line more times than he will tell me wearing the uniform of the US Navy, my father served in the army during the cold war, both grandmothers were nurses during WWII - the list goes on.
Reading the story of those four chaplains made me cry. I can only hope that. if ever presented with the opportunity to give of myself to someone else, that I would follow through.
Today's training session for the new process on Yvonne's desk went much better than I anticipated. I sang the Prayer of St Francis on the way to work and my resentment was gone. At the end of the day, I had an amazingly smooth commute home - I did not expect that given that I had stayed late. I am at peace and grateful for the attitude adjustment. I needed that!
Thursday, February 02, 2012
I have pretty much floundered for the past year for a variety of reasons and a collection of excuses. A few months ago, I joined the at work WW program, more to be the last person they needed in order to go than because I thought I would benefit. It was, for me, a colossal disaster both in terms of tonnage not lost and the emotion spiral that went with that.
They are trying to get the next session going, so I went to support the team. Most of the people at work are at goal or very close. I am the biggest by far. I am still morbidly obese. I have not committed to the session and it looks as if it is not going to go. They need 20 and they are not close to getting that many (people at goal do not pay so they don't count towards the body count.)
As we left the meeting, one of my friends pulled me aside and asked me how I am doing. She is at goal and has been for a while. She knows I have been struggling (it's obvious because my size has not changed much). In the course of the conversation, I said that I am not sure I can succeed but I know I need to because my life depends on it.
Long story short, she gave me a hug and said that she will walk with me every day if that is what it will take. I asked if she was sure and she said she is because we are friends. What I said about my life being at stake really caught her attention. It is not melodrama, it is the truth.
She gave me a hug and we are going to walk tomorrow. Her name is Linda, just like one of my SparkFamily members!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Today is my older brother's birthday. It is his 41st birthday in heaven. He died saving another boy's life. In death, the world saw he was a hero, but he was and is my hero in life. I thought about eating out for dinner, but traffic was too much, so I just came home. I thought about buying some sweets for dessert and walked to the corner store, but did not like anything I saw there. If only I'd stopped there, this would be a celebratory blog. I smashed a banana with chocolate flavored almond butter and spread it on some cinnamon graham crackers. In the background was an emotional story on that show called "Freaky Eaters", I had never seen the show before, but was doing dishes when it came on and did not change the channel when a story similar to mine came on. I cannot blame it on the emotional triggers. I should have changed the channel.
A few days ago was my 2 year anniversary on SparkPeople. I meant to blog, thought about it a few days before, but did not remember the day of. Perhaps it's because I am not pleased with how this journey has gone over the past year. I am not anywhere near my goal weight, not anywhere near making the full lifestyle change I thought would be part of my life by now.
I honestly am not sure I can succeed. That scares me because I know my life and the quality of it is at stake.
This is not fishing for encouragement or compliments or whatever. It is where I am today. I do not even dare fully express my thoughts.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The leader of one of my teams emailed me the following:
Some of you may not be aware of a new SP feature recently added before members were advised.
There now is a new share bar added to our blogs that allows other members who "like" them to share them on their Facebook wall. Is this something you want? Many of us discuss personal thoughts, feelings and weight loss information in our blogs on SP that we'd just as soon not share with the Facebook and Twitter world. This new feature is a default setting on our SparkPages, however, it can be turned off.
If you'd like to turn this new feature off,
Go to your SparkPage.
Click on Edit My SparkPage.
Uncheck the "Show share bar on my blog posts" option on the upper right of the page.
Save your changes.
While nothing that we share on the internet is really private (for that reason alone we should be cautious as to what we do say in our blogs) and many of you may not be concerned about this new default setting on SP, this was new info to me and I wanted to pass it on as I only learned about it from a member on another team.
I have a Facebbok account, but I do not share anything about SP on it. I am leery of Facebook's respect for privacy, so I am very careful about how I use it. I DO enjoy being in touch with distant family and friends, but do what I can to minimize chances for anyone attempting to do nefarious things with my information.
This is, of course, a personal decision. Other people may have a different comfort level.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Some of you may have seen that commercial about Special K "lose 6 pounds in 2 weeks". I got an email about it, so, just because I am a curious person, I clicked through to their website, entered my stats and got a message "Sorry, you need to see your doctor. We are unable to help you at this time." Wow!
I was about to say something like "isn't it great that I have already made progress on my journey via SparkPeople because otherwise I would have such a sense of failure." But I can't say that because, as I typed that paragraph, I realized I was eating MORE CARBS!
I am obviously not in a good mental/emotional state! Yikes! I'd laugh except I'd probably start crying!
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