Tuesday, January 03, 2012
I walked and did some upper body strength training today but it was not very much, certainly not enough to make up for the excess food I ate.
My triggers? Yes, plural.
Lot reinspections. My to do list is not finished (can't afford to finish yet - what I have done so far has cost more than a paycheck) and the likelihood they will give me a new list! The usual pressures - an old car, not enough money...And, late last night I leared my "adopted" mom was back in the hospital. The email contained two other facts. They all anticipate that this year's family reunion will be Mom's last and Mom is already mentally ready to die at home. The reunion will be in late June in the southeast. I wish I had identified this trigger before I started chowing down!
Monday, January 02, 2012
Today was the last day of vacation. Tomorrow, work begins again. I have LOVED having this time off! I really needed the break. I did not get as many things crossed off my to do list as I wanted, but I am very proud of the work I did get done around the house.
As I have been doing things today including getting ready for tomorrow, I think that returning to the routine will be helpful. Oddly, I am better about drinking water at work than at home. I need to be more diligent about getting the exercise in. I need to walk in the morning (that would be new) or brave our tiny gym (I am intimidated by the fit people who use it - I would be much more comfortable by myself!).
I want to lose 5 pounds a month this
year and would not turn down more than that. Today was day 2 of my new resolve to get 10 minutes of exercise in. Yesterday was exactly 10 and it felt a lot more than that. Today was 42. I walked to the neighborhood store and stopped at another store enroute. I bought some new arch supports and my feet are much happier! On the way back home, I found a credit card in the garden center of the hardware store. I turned it in at the service desk. I hope the person and their card get reunited. I was glad for the extra steps, even though my right foot is still sore.
I had planned to do some kettlebell workouts today, but I can hardly lift my right arm so I decided that was unwise. I think I slept wrong - the back of my shoulder is really sore and I can't think what else could have been the cause.
At the moment, my food tracker says I need to eat more, but I am not hungry. This year, my focus is less on food and more on moving.
Today was a good day.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
In my last blog, I commented that I felt I had wasted 2011 because my weight was up and not down and nowhere near my goal. There are other reasons for that statement, but this blog is about today, about tomorrow and this new year. In that same blog, I said I had not updated my weight because I did not want to face that higher number.
Today I stepped on my home scale and updated my tracker with that number. I did not knock off a few ounces to account for the light clothes I was wearing. I usually weigh after the shower, but it was too cold this morning for that!
One of the articles I read today on SP contained a link for updating your BMI. I know what the numbers are and I know I am still in the obese category. But I was very pleasantly surprised to see that my personal BMI number is down 1.5! So last year was not a waste!
It was also not a waste in that my relationship with food is different. It is a journey and I have not "arrived", but I did make strides. My healthy food choices are more automatic. My home is full of healthy food and that reduces the opportunities for me to make poor choices. My food scales and measuring tools are right at hand. I seem to need to measure - eyeballing does not work for me. That being said, I eyeballed my portions today. Incremental changes....baby steps...take time to choose...take time to measure...It is a journey.
I reset all of the articles etc. I changed my "other" goals. This is my year. My choices are going to be what's right for ME. This is very new territory for me.
So - how did today go? A mixed bag. I did not measure my food, but I did not eat anything completely unwise. I just completed a ten minute walk. I spent most of the day on my feet doing chores instead of on the couch.
I am not going to focus on the scale this year or even get wound up about my food. What I am going to do is emphasize exercise. "Don't let what you cannot do deter you from doing what you can do." Coach John Wooden (paraphrased).
Friday, December 30, 2011
In terms of healthy living, I feel as if I have wasted this year. I weigh more than my tracker says - I have not wanted to update it. The weight watchers program at work has not worked for me, but that is not completely the fault of the program, I own the lion's share. The responses by the person weighing me in each week triggered emotional eating for me. This is not his fault, it is mine for being unable to deal with it. I thought I was past the issues of emotional eating, I thought I was comfortable with losing fractions of pounds. But I failed on all accounts.
Until the last few months, food was less an issue than exercise. I have yet to win the battle with exercise. I have really great days followed by "oh screw it" days and none, not even the great days, have enough exercise.
What a downer blog this is! Not the way I was thinking when I started!
2012 is for ME. I bought Coach Nicole's 28 Day bootcamp dvd at Target today. Let's see how long it takes me to break the seal and then to put it in the player!
I have been, for the most part, walking 10 minutes every day, but.........I know I need to do more.
I have been overwhelmed with house issues (lot inspections, a fix-it laundry list and the money it has taken to resolve most of those issues - an ongoing situation). My car needs thousands of dollars of work. I love this car! I cannot afford to repair or to replace it. Even if I found an inexpensive and reliable car, I still could not afford the insurance increase. Then there is the ever and always looming promise of layoffs at work
I'm mulling over some goals for the new year. Nothing grandiose - achievable and sustainable...
There's more to say, but I am out of mental energy!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I Have Enough.
Three words. This week is the first time I have been able to say them and feel their meaning as it relates to food. I know I am blessed, I know I am fortunate. But I have not always known this and I have never known what it feels like to have this feeling about food.
Growing up, I was the unloved, unwanted child, a reminder of my mother’s failed first marriage. My older brother was spared that scorn because, as it turned out, he was the only boy she ever had. Mother abused me physically, but she abused me more psychologically. Her favorite noncontact form of punishment was for me to go without food. I knew what it was to go to bed hungry, to go to school without lunch. It was not until she sent me to live with my dad and his new family that I experienced what it was to have 3 meals a day consistently. Two weeks after I met Dad, my brother died while saving another boy’s life, making my 13th summer one I can never forget. I was four and a half feet tall and about 65 pounds when I met Dad.
Dad sent me to a boarding school and, with meals and dessert and a huge aversion to exercise, I ballooned. Exercise equals pain. I did not learn to walk until I was almost four and spent most of my childhood with leg braces and physical therapy. I have yet to overcome that mindset, but I am making progress.
I shattered my right elbow right before I started college. It took five surgeries and a year and a half until I could use my right arm. Yes, I am right handed. This was before computers, too. I typed my notes after every lecture because my left hand writing was nearly illegible! I was forced to change majors partly because of this injury and found myself unable to find a job when I had my BA in English. I taught school for a private school for 3 years, nearly starving because I could barely afford rent let alone food.
Even now, decades later, I am not financially secure. I have a good job that I love (I am a paralegal at a nonprofit corporation), but my salary is below the poverty line for the hyper inflated economy of northern California.
A few weeks ago, my very long term partner chose to leave and I don’t know if he will be back. I don’t know what I want in that regard. But you ladies know what happens when the guy is out of town or otherwise not underfoot – cleaning, reorganization galore!
I reorganized the pantry and the cupboards that I can reach. All my canned goods (mostly green chili!) are together, my dry goods are collected, and condiments are all in one place. I was stunned to discover I have about 25 pounds of dry beans, several pounds of brown rice, couscous, quinoa, canisters full of lentils, long cook oatmeal – you get the idea. With it being just my two cats and me, I need only to shop for perishables – dairy and produce for weeks to come. I love looking at my neat shelves and thinking about the different food combinations I can try since my taste buds and food tracker are the only consideration.
I do not have a lot of money, but I have enough. I can put gas in my car, pay what’s due every month and handle an unexpected repair bill as I did this month.
I have no family in California. They are all over the US and the world. I was alone today, but I was not lonely. I worked a little more on the cleaning and have been reflecting on all my reasons that I have to give thanks. Truly, my cup overflows.
The newest reason is this new sense of “I have enough.” I do not need to shop to fill a void, I do not need to overeat to comfort that unloved little girl and I do not need to make poor food choices just to avoid that feeling of being deprived.
I have enough. This means I have the luxury, I have the responsibility and I have the peace inside to take my time, to measure my food, to think about my food and to eat to live. I no longer need to stuff my face when someone brings in sweets at work, I no longer need to binge because I am not about to starve. I am not going to go without. And I do not have to settle for food that is not good for me. I am many decades beyond that girl who went to bed hungry, decades beyond the college graduate who bought creamy peanut butter because it spreads thinner than chunky (I still love chunky!) and it is quite surreal to have this feeling for the first time so late in my life!
What a novelty! What a freeing realization! What an emotional idea!
What a Happy Thanksgiving!
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