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BMI Down 1.5 (2012: It is a journey)

Sunday, January 01, 2012

In my last blog, I commented that I felt I had wasted 2011 because my weight was up and not down and nowhere near my goal. There are other reasons for that statement, but this blog is about today, about tomorrow and this new year. In that same blog, I said I had not updated my weight because I did not want to face that higher number.

Today I stepped on my home scale and updated my tracker with that number. I did not knock off a few ounces to account for the light clothes I was wearing. I usually weigh after the shower, but it was too cold this morning for that!

One of the articles I read today on SP contained a link for updating your BMI. I know what the numbers are and I know I am still in the obese category. But I was very pleasantly surprised to see that my personal BMI number is down 1.5! So last year was not a waste!

It was also not a waste in that my relationship with food is different. It is a journey and I have not "arrived", but I did make strides. My healthy food choices are more automatic. My home is full of healthy food and that reduces the opportunities for me to make poor choices. My food scales and measuring tools are right at hand. I seem to need to measure - eyeballing does not work for me. That being said, I eyeballed my portions today. Incremental changes....baby steps...take time to choose...take time to measure...It is a journey.

I reset all of the articles etc. I changed my "other" goals. This is my year. My choices are going to be what's right for ME. This is very new territory for me.

So - how did today go? A mixed bag. I did not measure my food, but I did not eat anything completely unwise. I just completed a ten minute walk. I spent most of the day on my feet doing chores instead of on the couch.

I am not going to focus on the scale this year or even get wound up about my food. What I am going to do is emphasize exercise. "Don't let what you cannot do deter you from doing what you can do." Coach John Wooden (paraphrased).

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 1/3/2012 1:07AM

    This is an absolutely great way to go about it. You can try to micromanange your weight loss journey all you want, but, in the end, its the day to day choices that really count, getting exercise, making healthy food choices. The weighing and measuring are a good yardstick, but are not the be all and end all. Its the getting of good habits that is critical. And you are on your way! You CAN do this! And congrats on the BMI!! Downward and onward!
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MISSY455 1/2/2012 12:55AM

    It is a journey, and you are making huge strides in the right direction. This is your year!
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WONDEROONA 1/1/2012 11:10PM

    I know what you mean about not wanting to step on the scale and I did that today. I was not nearly as heavy as I thougth I was. We didn't waste a year. We spent a year learning. It may have not been learning and doing, but we learned more about ourselves and more about our relationships with food and exercise.

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SHERRYJVP 1/1/2012 10:41PM

    what a great and positive way to start a new year! I am praying it is a blessed one for you!

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LIBBYFITZ 1/1/2012 9:49PM

    emoticon emoticon A great blog.

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December 30

Friday, December 30, 2011

In terms of healthy living, I feel as if I have wasted this year. I weigh more than my tracker says - I have not wanted to update it. The weight watchers program at work has not worked for me, but that is not completely the fault of the program, I own the lion's share. The responses by the person weighing me in each week triggered emotional eating for me. This is not his fault, it is mine for being unable to deal with it. I thought I was past the issues of emotional eating, I thought I was comfortable with losing fractions of pounds. But I failed on all accounts.

Until the last few months, food was less an issue than exercise. I have yet to win the battle with exercise. I have really great days followed by "oh screw it" days and none, not even the great days, have enough exercise.

What a downer blog this is! Not the way I was thinking when I started!

2012 is for ME. I bought Coach Nicole's 28 Day bootcamp dvd at Target today. Let's see how long it takes me to break the seal and then to put it in the player!
I have been, for the most part, walking 10 minutes every day, but.........I know I need to do more.

I have been overwhelmed with house issues (lot inspections, a fix-it laundry list and the money it has taken to resolve most of those issues - an ongoing situation). My car needs thousands of dollars of work. I love this car! I cannot afford to repair or to replace it. Even if I found an inexpensive and reliable car, I still could not afford the insurance increase. Then there is the ever and always looming promise of layoffs at work

I'm mulling over some goals for the new year. Nothing grandiose - achievable and sustainable...

There's more to say, but I am out of mental energy!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 1/1/2012 4:07PM

    Sometimes we just have to start all over. I'm going to commit to getting more exercise in the New Year. My yoga isn't enough calories burned and my weight is starting to creep up. I'm back on the treadmill again.

I hope your New Year is all you want. You can do it!

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JUSTDANCEGIRL 12/31/2011 7:23PM

    The NEW YEAR is nearly here.... time to say 2011 is in the past and look toward the future. 2012 WILL be better. This is OUR year. WE will succeed. You and Me. :) I had a not so good year myself... ended up gaining and like you .. not changing my tracker because I was ashamed. :(

Bring on 2012!! :)

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_LINDA 12/31/2011 11:46AM

    You have had a really rough emotional year with so many deaths of people you care about, adding to the high stress of your job security, house and car issues, I would have to say its easy to understand you throwing up your hands and giving it up and/or giving in to the emotional eating monster :( I am hoping things will turn around for you for the New Year and that things will only get better for you. You can't do anything about what life has thrown at you, but you can do good things for yourself, by eating healthy and restarting your exercise. It will make you feel better and be better able to handle the curveballs life keeps throwing at you. All the best with it. I am here for you..
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MISSY455 12/31/2011 1:03AM

    I have been reminding myself, several times in the last month, that Rome was not built in a day. I had an injury set back a few months ago, which lead to a pity party of one and a weight gain. I feel like I am finally making headway again. By no means am I back to where I was, but I know what I need to get there, and so do you. It starts with recognizing the pitfalls and finding our way around them. You are on the right track with making achievable goals.

I wish you much success in 2012!


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WONDEROONA 12/30/2011 11:35PM

    take it easy....don't be so hard on yourself....as for the money issues, I wish I could send ya a money tree but I just planted the last one in my back yard and it promptly died. So, no seeds either.....lol. I hope that you can take a breath and get things in order to start the new year off right!! I wish you all the luck in the world, my friend!! emoticon emoticon

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I Have Enough

Thursday, November 24, 2011

I Have Enough.

Three words. This week is the first time I have been able to say them and feel their meaning as it relates to food. I know I am blessed, I know I am fortunate. But I have not always known this and I have never known what it feels like to have this feeling about food.

Growing up, I was the unloved, unwanted child, a reminder of my mother’s failed first marriage. My older brother was spared that scorn because, as it turned out, he was the only boy she ever had. Mother abused me physically, but she abused me more psychologically. Her favorite noncontact form of punishment was for me to go without food. I knew what it was to go to bed hungry, to go to school without lunch. It was not until she sent me to live with my dad and his new family that I experienced what it was to have 3 meals a day consistently. Two weeks after I met Dad, my brother died while saving another boy’s life, making my 13th summer one I can never forget. I was four and a half feet tall and about 65 pounds when I met Dad.

Dad sent me to a boarding school and, with meals and dessert and a huge aversion to exercise, I ballooned. Exercise equals pain. I did not learn to walk until I was almost four and spent most of my childhood with leg braces and physical therapy. I have yet to overcome that mindset, but I am making progress.

I shattered my right elbow right before I started college. It took five surgeries and a year and a half until I could use my right arm. Yes, I am right handed. This was before computers, too. I typed my notes after every lecture because my left hand writing was nearly illegible! I was forced to change majors partly because of this injury and found myself unable to find a job when I had my BA in English. I taught school for a private school for 3 years, nearly starving because I could barely afford rent let alone food.

Even now, decades later, I am not financially secure. I have a good job that I love (I am a paralegal at a nonprofit corporation), but my salary is below the poverty line for the hyper inflated economy of northern California.

A few weeks ago, my very long term partner chose to leave and I don’t know if he will be back. I don’t know what I want in that regard. But you ladies know what happens when the guy is out of town or otherwise not underfoot – cleaning, reorganization galore!

I reorganized the pantry and the cupboards that I can reach. All my canned goods (mostly green chili!) are together, my dry goods are collected, and condiments are all in one place. I was stunned to discover I have about 25 pounds of dry beans, several pounds of brown rice, couscous, quinoa, canisters full of lentils, long cook oatmeal – you get the idea. With it being just my two cats and me, I need only to shop for perishables – dairy and produce for weeks to come. I love looking at my neat shelves and thinking about the different food combinations I can try since my taste buds and food tracker are the only consideration.

I do not have a lot of money, but I have enough. I can put gas in my car, pay what’s due every month and handle an unexpected repair bill as I did this month.

I have no family in California. They are all over the US and the world. I was alone today, but I was not lonely. I worked a little more on the cleaning and have been reflecting on all my reasons that I have to give thanks. Truly, my cup overflows.

The newest reason is this new sense of “I have enough.” I do not need to shop to fill a void, I do not need to overeat to comfort that unloved little girl and I do not need to make poor food choices just to avoid that feeling of being deprived.
I have enough. This means I have the luxury, I have the responsibility and I have the peace inside to take my time, to measure my food, to think about my food and to eat to live. I no longer need to stuff my face when someone brings in sweets at work, I no longer need to binge because I am not about to starve. I am not going to go without. And I do not have to settle for food that is not good for me. I am many decades beyond that girl who went to bed hungry, decades beyond the college graduate who bought creamy peanut butter because it spreads thinner than chunky (I still love chunky!) and it is quite surreal to have this feeling for the first time so late in my life!

What a novelty! What a freeing realization! What an emotional idea!

What a Happy Thanksgiving!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IGSBETH 12/7/2011 10:02PM

    Indeed. Thank you for sharing.

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TEENY_BIKINI 12/7/2011 8:18PM

    God, that was beautiful.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful little piece of you.

I have enough too.

Wow!

Just amazing.

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LIBBYFITZ 11/25/2011 8:56AM

    A wonderful blog. Thank you for sharing. emoticon

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_LINDA 11/24/2011 11:07PM

    I am happy that you have finally found some peace with your inner turmoil. Your mixed feelings and rapid clean up after your partner has left shows maybe it was time for some distance at least. At least your pantry had some healthy staples and you can make sure everything else coming is stays that way too. I am truly sorry you had to spend a holiday like Thanksgiving alone without family and friends :((
If there is nothing tying you down to living in such an expensive state now, would looking for a job near someone you would like to be close to be out of the realm of possibility? I can't see working for a non profit organization be much of a career advancement -they have to cut corners wherever they can to keep costs down.
Wishing for better things to happen for you in the days to come..
Hugs,
Linda

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K0ALACAT 11/24/2011 10:11PM

    Wow! What a reminder! Thanks for the post. I wish they had a "Rosie the Riveter" emoticon I could give you.
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WINDSWEPTACRES 11/24/2011 9:06PM

    "Enough is as good as a feast." Although we come from different backgrounds, I also know what it is like to be food-insecure, to stretch the grocery budget thin, to worry about not having what I need. So I am glad we have enough.

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CARRAND 11/24/2011 9:02PM

    You sound at peace with yourself for the first time in a long while. Hang on to those good feelings.

I love that you cleaned and organized your cupboards. That is so totally what I would do if I were suddenly on my own.

Enjoy your new found freedom.

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CHANGING-TURTLE 11/24/2011 8:52PM

    MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. HOPE THE NEW YEAR BRINGS BETTER DAYS. emoticon

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SESKUE 11/24/2011 8:51PM

    So glad for you and what a joyous feeling to know when you have " enough" we don't need more than " enough" but we get so wrapped up in more
Thanks for sharing

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An Update

Sunday, November 06, 2011

So much is going on that it is hard to articulate it all in any sort of coherent fashion. In no particular order:

Severe depression, workload increase (good and bad), possible end of a long and sometimes turbulent relationship, financial stress, inability to cope with a pressing issue and my closer connection to St Jude's Childrens Hospital.

Depression has led to the I-don't-care attitude, emotional eating and I am almost back to where I was when I started SP nearly 2 years ago. Self-disgust and other negative feelings abound and I am not able to turn that into something motivationally positive.

On the heels of the depression is the crisis with my very long time boyfriend. We've been together off and on since Sept 1989. We are both deeply flawed human beings. He made some choices recently for which I will get to pay some of the consequences - too ugly, awful and personal to share here. I don't know what will happen here.

One of those consequences is dealing with the upcoming lot inspection knowing that my plot needs landscaping, the side porch needs repair and junk needs to be hauled away. These are things he should have taken care of and should be here to do, but he is not. I will have to have the work done. I cannot do it myself and I don't know if I can afford to have it done.

Moreover, I cannot even deal with it until next weekend, which may not give enough time before the inspection. My company received a subpoena. We are not party to the action, but the litigating parties want to know what we knew and when we knew it. So I have been working almost solely on our response for the last 10 days and have another week of this intense focus ahead. I love the work! I love the challenge! But it gives me mental exercise that leaves me exhausted and drained at the end of the day.

Madeleine has Wilms kidney cancer. She just turned 2. She is at St Jude's in Memphis with her mama. Daddy, my coworker, divides his time between the office and the hospital. I had registered for this year's "Give Thanks. Walk" back in July, long before anyone knew she had cancer (she was just diagnosed last month). I am not of compatible blood type so I cannot donate a kidney for her. I told her daddy that, if the chemo makes her lose her hair, I will shave my head and donate my hair to "Locks of Love", not just for solidarity but in the hopes that the inevitable questions will lead to more donations for St Jude and, possibly, other people becoming organ donors. I added Madeleine's name to my Walk team name. Her mom had the same cancer as a child, has only one kidney, and asked a lot of questions about whether or not her baby could have this cancer. They don't know enough about the gene connection so they told her it was very unlikely. Madeleine's diagnosis has to be like a lightning bolt!

With my boyfriend not around, I am having to do everything at home, including going to the laundromat - one of my least favorite chores. This morning, instead of reading the paper, I walking around the strip mall for at least 10 minutes. I also walked across the street to the Post Office and checked my mail. The intersection can be a bit nuts, so I usually drive over after the car is full of clean clothes, but I figured it would be an easy crossing with the time change. The walk, while short, felt great!

Then I went to work for a few hours, getting as far as I could without more input, and then came home. I thought about stopping at KFC on the way home, but realized that would be "rewarding" me with food, something I do not want to start again. I came home, cooked for the week, did the dishes, set up the coffee maker and ironed for tomorrow morning.

Please pray for Madeleine and her parents!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 11/7/2011 8:02PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about all your current troubles. I will pray for you and your friends, too.

I hope you are getting some help with your feelings of depression. Depression can make everything harder.

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NONIE_C 11/7/2011 1:30PM

    You have such a wonderful and kind heart!

I will keep your friends in my prayers, and you too.
Did you know that I cut my long hair off and donated it to Lock for Love recently? It was down to my butt!!! I do this every couple of years as a way to give and also as a way of refreshing and reviving myself. However, your plan to possibly shave is amazing and intense. You are amazing.

Sounds like amid all the frustration and hardships, you are still working to make good choices. Way to go!

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, and I wish you the best in healing from the pain that always comes with loss, and I hope you begin to feel a sense of freedom that can only come from being on your own (I know this only too well).

I also feel you on the weight front. I am almost right back where I started from too. Very frustrating, but I won't let it keep me from moving forward. Neither should you.

Lots of love to you, my friend.

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SPARKLY-DIVA 11/7/2011 12:39PM

  YOU (and, Madeleine & her parents) are *all* in my prayers. I wish there was something that I could do to help you out. :(

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LIBBYFITZ 11/7/2011 9:53AM

    Sounds like you are going through a horrific time, and the fact that you care so much about other people is amazing. Donating your hair is a big step!

Lots of emoticonfrom "down under".

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SHERRYJVP 11/7/2011 7:46AM

    prayers for all, including you. It sounds like you have been making right choices again, even through a crises. Wish there was a way I could help.

Love yourself.

Sherry

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MISSY455 11/7/2011 1:51AM

    emoticon You are going through so much right now. Stop beating yourself up with the negative talk. Continue to make the best choices you can and keep moving forward.

I hope you find the peace and inner strength you need to persevere.

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_LINDA 11/7/2011 1:19AM

    So very sorry you are going through all this :(( So nice of you to continue to support your coworker in spite of all your own trials. You have such a generous and kind heart. Shame on this boyfriend for not helping you out at least :( The old Ann Landers question comes to mind, are you better off with or without him??
I feel you are strong enough to be your own woman and make your own decisions. You can do what ever you put your mind to..
All the best with this huge project..
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I Dedicated My Exercise to Madeleine

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

10,383 steps
calf raises
shoulder presses
KB swings and lifts
a fifteen minute walk (not counting all the other walking I did throughout the day)

The negative is that I ate over range today. I had reduced my calorie range a few days ago and am still getting used to it. But I would have been over even at the older higher range.

The beauty is - I can strive to have a better day tomorrow.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 10/31/2011 9:29PM

    Woo Hoo! Lots of exercise is always a good thing.
I overdid the Halloween candy. I'm going to have to dump the leftovers.

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SPARKLY-DIVA 10/30/2011 6:39PM

  You did amazing in exercising. Way to go!!

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WONDEROONA 10/26/2011 10:45AM

    Way to go!!! I'm so glad to know you since you decided to dedicate your workout to Madeline. You are such a giving person.

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BUBLEH 10/26/2011 9:17AM

    Way to go! You should be so proud of yourself!

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_LINDA 10/26/2011 2:05AM

    Well done! Its a great start!! That is a lot -you didn't mention your foot, has that problem been solved or are you still dealing with it? It would be a lot easier to commit to regular exercise without that pain..
The unfortunate side effect of being active is that you get a better appetite going. Do make sure you get enough protein at every meal to ward off the hunger snacks..20-30g is all you need..
All the best with it, and remember, NO ONE is ever perfect at this -its the long range consistency that matters..
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