Monday, October 24, 2011
I learned today that my coworker's daughter is at St Judes Hospital in TN. She had tests late last week and we have not heard yet but are bracing for the news that this just-turned-two girl has kidney cancer.
I had already signed up (July 1) for this year's Give Thanks Walk for St Jude that will occur on November 19. My focus on this walk has just gone up a thousandfold.
I cannot imagine how hard it is for Justin and his wife to be dealing with this, that helpless, scared feeling.
I wish I could do more.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Twenty two years ago, right at the start of the World Series game between the Oakland Athletics and San Francisco Giants, the earth shook. A bridge span collapsed and people died. Fires damaged property and people lost their jobs. I could not help but remember the event as I went about my business today.
I was at work when the quake struck, my VCR recording the game at home, and I initially thought a coworker was teasing me, rattling my chair. I worked in an area that was built on landfill, so liquifaction was a consideration. It took two hours to get home because of the traffic and the fact that the railroad track crossing arms were stuck in the down position. My apartment was built on bedrock, so there was next to no damange there.
Even though I was not as unfortunate as many, to this day, I hate to be driving on the freeway and get stuck on, under or near an overpass in stopped traffic. That 7.1 quake was not nearly as bad as the quake that hit Japan on my brother's birthday this past March, but it was the worst quake I have experienced.
But - I'd rather deal with quakes (they don't last long) instead of tornadoes or hurricanes (I've experienced both).
No update on my friend's/coworker's daughter's condition, but I did receive a donation towards my "Give Thanks Walk" for St Jude (Nov 19). I am still praying for Madeleine and her parents. I cannot fathom the helpless feeling they must have watching their 2 year old princess in the hospital.
Another layoff at work. So far, not me.
I have many reasons to give thanks and today's anniversary reminds me of that.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Life often has a way of shaking up my perspective and thereby humbling me. My travails with work, lack of money, WW, people, pain all fade to minutae on days like today.
But first - I went to the WW meeting and stepped on the scale. I still have not decided whether I will continue or not. Joe said I lost 5#! I am not sure I believe their scale. I didn't when it showed a huge gain and I don't when it shows a huge loss. Whatever. I am not focused on the number. I am making changes. Changes in how I deal with stress and other emotional triggers. Changes in how I interact with food. Food is no longer my security blanket.
Yvonne had a meltdown with another employee yesterday and is afraid she will be let go. Her attempts to mend fences today went nowhere. I have been the sympathetic ear.
Midday, I learned that layoffs have started again. I know no more than that.
In the midafternoon came the very sad news that our CIO passed away this past weekend. It was not completely unexpected, but I was nonetheless stunned. I had to walk away from my desk and go cry. V had some kind of cancer that does not have a good prognosis.
Shortly after he came to the company, he co-opted a conference room for his IT team and named it the "War Room". At the time, my brother had been loaned by the Navy to the Army and was in Afghanistan. Walking past that sign every day made me flinch, so I asked V if he would rename it. He did: the IT Triage Room. Shortly thereafter, my brother had a close call and his roommate was killed. I thanked V. profusely for making the change. I did not know him well when he made the change, but that interaction opened the doors of communication, at least in passing. We had friendly words and he had a zillion dollar smile that I will miss. My heart hurts for his family.
Just before I left work for the day, my boss told me that things were about to get very chaotic and would be so for the rest of the year. Our new attorney in the Knoxville office is taking a leave of absence and the company has not determined how they'll deal with his absence: overload the already overworked legal department or try to bring in a temp attorney. Last time they did that, it did not work out well at all.
J. is taking time off because his two year old daughter is in the hospital with tumors on her kidney or liver (I forget which). J. and I hit it off right away and my heart is with him and his family.
I crave your prayers for my coworkers.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
In my last blog, I mentioned the WW at Work program and my emotional reaction to gaining 5.2 pounds over 2 weeks, according to their scale. This morning, I got an email from the leader who said I needed to drop my free online program (meaning SP) and embrace WW with everything I had, that I would not be successful unless I did.
Decades ago, I belonged to WW and left when that leader started making what I call evangelistic statements about that plan being the only way to lose. I had been involved in a church that shredded what little self-esteem I had (my faith was not strong enough, I did not do enough good works, etc), so I bail whenever anyone else sounds like that, no matter the context.
One of the reasons I had joined this time was to make sure the program would occur at work- I was the last member they needed in order for it to be a "go". The leader is a sincere and very nice lady, so I don't mean to say that she said or did anything wrong - she just said the exact wrong thing for me. I own it.
Naturally, this is not helping my esteem now. It looks as if I have once again wasted money and have failed yet another stab at losing weight.
I have chosen to park that negativity for now. I went for a long walk after work. My foot is really, really sore, but I walked for over 50 minutes (slowly) and logged over 13K steps.
She did mention something that clicked. Months ago, I should have reduced my calorie range because I have not been consistently active for eons. My foot will not let me walk every day and I cannot YET do much else...
Monday, October 10, 2011
I've been eating too many carbs the last few days. Thursdays is our Weight Watchers at Work meeting and the only reason I mention it is because it is integral to the episode. This is the 3rd cycle of WWAW this year, but the first I decided to join. No one else in the group has nearly as much to lose as I do, not by a LONG shot.
At least 3 ladies have reached goal and 2 others reached maintenance.
I've been really, really, really down about a zillion different things. I don't remember exactly which thing it was last Thursday, but, when I stepped on the scale, the guy logging in the numbers made some comment about how I had gained 5.x something in 2 weeks. He was trying to be sympathetic, but it hit me wrong and I left the meeting without staying for the class.
Later in the day, I sent an email to the leader and spoke honestly about my very diminished interest in continuing this journey. Yes, I want the results, but, no, I don't want to work at it any more. I did not tell her, but to think that, nearly 2 years on the journey, I am almost back up where I started!
Then I went home and had the worst period of mindless eating I have every had in my life. I remember watching a roommate years ago eat like that. Diane died on my 39th birthday when a blood clot broke lose in her leg. She was probably 200 pounds overweight. You would think her sudden passing would have shaken out of this lifestyle. Since Diane's death, I've had several other friends and coworkers die suddenly due to obesity induced health issues. I know I am well along the same path. But I guess the problem is that I do not love myself enough to make the changes! Despite the fact that I want to be around for the next generation in my family. My eldest nieces and nephews will soon marry and have children, the youngest are just starting school and I don't want to miss any more than I already have.
Friday, I tripped at the group picnic and really banged up my left knee and leg. I spent most of the weekend recovering and thinking. I did not come to any great conclusions, but today was better.
I walked over 12K steps, including a 45 minute walk with 2 of the ladies from weight watchers. My lower back was hurting a little, I'll have to bring a change of clothes so that I can do this at the lunch hour and not stink out my cube mates in the afternoon. The important thing is - there will be a next time.
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