Tuesday, July 12, 2011
This morning, I optimistically set my status with the announcement that I planned to do 10,500 steps. When I left work this evening, I had 7,167 with an errand to do on the way home. I parked a good distance away from the pet food store, as I always do, and walked to the store. Hmmm. That was only about 800 steps from car to doorstop. I need more than that, I thought. As I paid for my purchase, I decided to walk the perimeter of the shopping center. I walked away from the store, down the side of the Costco store, all the way around the edge of the parking lot, past McDonalds and Krispy Kreme (I did not stop!).
I sure thought about it. I told myself, "I don't want to pay the consequences for giving in to having a doughnut right now. Part of the reason I need the exercise is that I am paying the consequences for past indulgences." The temptation passed when I thought about it like that.
Back at the car. Pedometer said I still was short about 1200 steps. I walked back to the pet store and back around Costco and then back to my car. I did it!
Wow! Do you know, one of the things I thought about was writing this blog. When it was something over 8,000 steps, I almost stopped. That's more than I usually do, I started to think. But - did I want to write another one of those "almost" blogs? I almost walked___but I was tired/my leg was sore/it was late/I was tired (fill in any excuse).
Not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but, I like the way this feels! I am smiling! I feel positive! I feel capable! My goal weight achievement is possible! All day long, as I walked, I felt thinner, I felt taller, I felt good. Even with the sore tendon! Victory!
I finally "get" one of the cornerstones of SparkPeople! And, yes, please remind me of this the next time I dare to post another "almost" blog!
Monday, July 11, 2011
If I have one more snack, depending on what it is, I will end the day within range in just about everything. Currently a smidge low in calories and fat with room to play in others...Hmmm.
I got in an hour's worth of walking today, though not all at once. My heel is sore, but not very, so I am happy about that!
Yesterday, I dropped a ton of $ at GNC getting some supplements that may help me deal with the sudden appearance of menopause. I know it's not supposed to be sudden, but, in my case, it really has been. Today was the first full day with some of those supplements and it was a much better day. Minimal flash. Concentration still a problem. But energy was better. I was less depressed and I felt more optimistic.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Last week, I started overeating carbs in response to an emotional stress event. I knew what I was doing, but I also knew I could not face another handful of carrots! The stress is in relationship and money, so they are stressors that will not go away nor be solved easily.
On top of that, I had my first hot flash on July 4th. I have been having night sweats for a few weeks, but did not really believe that's what was happening until the flashes started. I have been diong a lot of reading and, surprise, my brain fog is also a symptom. The brain fog coupled with the energy drain is the scariest part of all this. I am terrified that the drop off could result in a loss of employment.
I cannot get in to see my doc until middle of August, so I think I will go to urgent care and wait and wait and wait. It will be worth it just to be seen. I will, of course, explain that I know it's not an emergency, but that I can't get in through normal channels. I will also see if I can get my tendon looked at. I did some reading on that and know it's possible that there are some tears. That might explain why the usual RICE is not working...
I am frustrated at the weight gain and the lack of weight loss. Knowing that there are reasons for it, including my bingeing and lack of real exercise, does not ease the feeling.
I bought some nutrition supplements after doing some reading. We'll see if that helps...
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Bestefar is the Norwegian word for grandfather. Today was my Bestefar's birthday. Were he still living he would be 105! There is a pciture of me in a bassinet with his arm in the picture. (I am named after both of his daughters, my aunts). I met him only once that I recall. I visited him during spring break during my sophomore year of college. By then, he was forgetting his English and I did not know enough Norwegian to communicate. We managed, though. I have a picture of him playing his accordion. I spent less than a week with him, but it was magical! I have lifetime memories, but I wish I had more!
He emigrated from Norway in the 1920s - not the best time to arrive here. He was a physical engineer and worked in shipyards during WWII, calculating the circumference of the smoke stacks for maximum fuel efficiency. That's as technical as I can get. No one would play dominoes with him because, in his marvelous mind, he could know what was in your hand within about 3 plays. His IQ was off the scale.
I wish he had taught Norwegian to his children, my aunts and father. But he did not. "We are Americans!" he said. So they grew up not knowing much about their heritage and their children (my generation) know even less.
I wish I had known him, really known him. I wish that many terrible things had not happened...But it is a combination of the good and bad that make me who I am. Deeply flawed with a strange relationship to food and to my body that SP is helping me put right, A person with enough emptiness that I can feel compassion when someone else hurts.
Regrets? I have plenty. I wish I had taken some good advice when I was younger. My life would be very different and much better.
Hope? Optimism? Drive? Determination? Stubbornness? Check. I have all that. I have within me and around me what I need to succeed. I also have the power of choice to make it so.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
This morning, just outside the front lobby at work, I saw a critter on the ground. I squinted and realized, yes, I did see it right. It was upside down and stuck. One person watched and another took a cellphone photo as I turned it over with a stick. It was a very large brown beetle and obviously had a couple of injured legs. I helped it to the grass. I figured one of three things would happen: it would die and become compost, it would become food or it would recover. For some reason, I could not stop thinking about the poor thing. I did not feel particularly virtuous in a karma sort of way, but it felt right. Better than it dying under a shoe or dehydrating in the heat of the day.
There's a Weight Watchers at Work program at work. I didn't join. I can't afford it and the meetings overlap with my Toastmaster meeting. Several of the members work near me so I have the unenviable delight of hearing them "Monday morning quarterback" their weekends. I wish I understood why this makes my hackles raise. I wince when I hear them talking about "cheating" or eating "bad" food. Yet, I am also jealous of their success! I get thinking, "I'll show them!" and still I flounder. Today, it was more of the same only more so. I could not get away because I was trying to finish a time-critical transaction. I felt like crying.
A lunch date got cancelled. I had not brought lunch, which I usually do. I went to the cafe and had watermelon gazpacho and a wonderful salad. Instead of dressing, I used low fat cottage cheese. (For breakfast, I used Yoplait slim 50 yogurt instead of milk.) I took a short walk around the campus, and, yes, the tendon was sore, but it felt good to walk up and down the hills.
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