Monday, June 13, 2011
I am back up to 167.5. There, I said it. I have been wanting to EAT, EAT, EAT and be a couch potato at the same time. Some of it is discouragement over the slowness of my progress, some of it has been depression over some unrelenting chaos in my life (!). I have also been coping with intermittent left Achilles tendonitis and, today, back pain.
Yes, I am disappointed that I weigh about what I did at the end of June last year, but....my clothes fit more loosely, albeit only slightly. I have been plodding along, walking, some strength training. Nothing consistent and not much that is aerobic, but it is still movement.
I would dearly love to lose two pounds a week, or one pound a week, or even half a pound a week (note, my order does not include plateaus! LOL!). With nearly 58 pounds to lose, wow, is that discouraging to think about. I can only focus on a much smaller number. First, that half pound! My reward for doing so will be a spa-at-home day on Saturday or Sunday: facial, wonderful shower gel, a hand-cial (facial for hands),,,
I have been superhydrating - tomorrow, I am donating blood at a Red Cross blood drive at work. Nothing more motivating for drinking water than the thought that I have the opportunity to save a life tomorrow! (I'm ignoring my needle phobia)
UPDATE: I was "deferred" by the blood bank. They could not feel the big vein in the crook of my arm, only the smaller feeder vessels. I never knew that was why it's so hard for me to have a blood test! I was crushed! I had been so excited about having the chance to possibly save a life! I wonder if it's because I have so FAT that they could not find my vein! I was more than disappointed...
I am now angry! So what did I do after that disappointment? Emotional eating, of course. It's funny in a very sad way - I brought leftovers but did not touch them. I walked to the cafe to get the free fruit and frozen yogurt. Usually they don't have a flavor I like, so it's easy to walk away. Today - chocolate! So I got a dish and filled it to the brim. I brought it back to my desk, dumped it in my cereal bowl, added some peanuts, some craisins, sliced the small banana and threw some granola on it. That was yummy and filling, but I still feel guilty for the fat free chocolate yogurt...I am right back in that emotional zone and that is a surprise...
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
I don't remember the exact day, it could be today, but it is sometime this week 40 years ago. I met my dad, stepmother and baby brother. I was a very underweight teen. I was 4'6" and 80 pounds,
Today was gramma's birthday (Mother's mother) I adored her! She lied to me when I was a teen and I've never forgotten. She was trying to motivate me to lose weight (living with Dad and going to the boarding school where I got 3 meals a day plus desert on top of being inactive had put me something over 100 - I think I was about 120 when I graduated from high school). Gramma told me that my skin would split if I did not stop eating. Even then I knew that was not true. When that did not work, she told me she would not see me until I lost the weight. (She did come to my high school graduation and that may have been the last time I saw her. She died a few years later from cancer).
Tomorrow is my stepmother's birthday. She was roughly halfway between my dad's age and mine. She found out my dad had children from his first marriage and insisted that we have the chance to meet him. Unfortunately, my older brother never got the chance, but that's another story. I believe she saved my life - also another blog.
Sometime around the 22nd or 23rd of June will be the 40th anniversary of my older brother's death. He died saving another boy's life. My younger brother was in the Navy so I am surrounded by heroes!
Me? I weigh almost exactly what I weighed at the end of June last year when I earned my paralegal degree. Not happy about that! I can't seem to get over this tendonitis, either. Other terrible things are happening in my life, so my SP journey has not been front and center. I need help getting out of this pit!
Monday, May 23, 2011
JAKEANDNELLIE blogged recently about her struggles with exercise and how she has resolved that by meaningfully exercising throughout the day – strength training while waiting for the microwave, walking while doing laundry, etc. That reignited my Spark! I walked over 12K steps and did 11 ST exercises. I have blogged before about how I do a lot of those ST in the elevator. Yes, I still take the elevator. I find if I take stairs, I can hardly move the next day. It is, for me, a better choice to take the elevator and walk every day.
I blogged yesterday about a Sparkfriend who’s leaving because she’s unhappy about doing everything right for months and not seeing results at the scale. Thank you to those who commented on that blog! I’ve been thinking a lot about my own journey. I am not happy that I weigh about what I did at the end of June last year. But I know what the issues are: I need to eat in balance and exercise more. I need to do both of those things consistently. It is still too easy for me to make the wrong choices.
Why am I here? I am sick and tired of being obese. I hate that label. I hate being fat. I hate being self-conscious about my appearance. I hate hearing people talk about their diets and I hate hearing everyone get compliments for losing weight and I stand there seemingly wearing a cloak of invisibility. More importantly, it’s a matter of life. The next generation of my family has arrived. I want to share in the lives of those children. I want to be a part of their lives and not sit on the sidelines. I don’t want to die prematurely and be a sad memory.
I also need to get in shape for career reasons. Not only do I want to job hunt for more pay, but I also know that I will need to work for a long time. I am a more employable person if I am healthy, so…
None of this really touches on quality of life, but that is a huge part of it.
I have, so far, eaten within range (except for 13 calories over), but I am HUNGRY. That sort of tells the story…HA!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
One of my sparkfriends blogged today that she is leaving Sparkpeople because she has been eating right and exercising for months without seeing a change in the scale. Icertainly understand the feeling, not that I can make that claim. Another friend still is looking for the quick fix and I ran out of words to persuade her otherwise.
Sure I could give up. Sure I can stop my sporadic attempts at exercise. Sure I can stop measuring, logging and trying to make smart food choices. I cannot compare my journey to Annie's, I have not walked in her steps. All I know is I have not given the full 100% to this journey for a long time.
Of course I don't like where I am: just about the same weight I was when I graduated last June. Less driven than I was. But, I have only to look in the mirror and see where the work needs to happen and where the fault lies for the results (or lack therof) for this year.
I know what I need to do. I am not sure I can right now. But, I am not giving up. I will continue to chip away at this. I have to believe the incremental steps will pay off, even if just a little, when I am finally ready make that 100% commitment.
I am grieved to see Annie go. I am diminished at the thought of losing her wit, strength and humor, of not being able to cheer her on, to encourage her. I wonder if she would have stayed had I been more demonstrative. I am not blaming, just musing.
The beauty of this site, of the community, is that people have the freedom to come and go as they need to do so. I have to let Annie go in my heart, but it is not easy, it is not without pain. I hope she finds the answers she is looking for.
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