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SPY 2, Day 138: June

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

I don't remember the exact day, it could be today, but it is sometime this week 40 years ago. I met my dad, stepmother and baby brother. I was a very underweight teen. I was 4'6" and 80 pounds,

Today was gramma's birthday (Mother's mother) I adored her! She lied to me when I was a teen and I've never forgotten. She was trying to motivate me to lose weight (living with Dad and going to the boarding school where I got 3 meals a day plus desert on top of being inactive had put me something over 100 - I think I was about 120 when I graduated from high school). Gramma told me that my skin would split if I did not stop eating. Even then I knew that was not true. When that did not work, she told me she would not see me until I lost the weight. (She did come to my high school graduation and that may have been the last time I saw her. She died a few years later from cancer).

Tomorrow is my stepmother's birthday. She was roughly halfway between my dad's age and mine. She found out my dad had children from his first marriage and insisted that we have the chance to meet him. Unfortunately, my older brother never got the chance, but that's another story. I believe she saved my life - also another blog.

Sometime around the 22nd or 23rd of June will be the 40th anniversary of my older brother's death. He died saving another boy's life. My younger brother was in the Navy so I am surrounded by heroes!

Me? I weigh almost exactly what I weighed at the end of June last year when I earned my paralegal degree. Not happy about that! I can't seem to get over this tendonitis, either. Other terrible things are happening in my life, so my SP journey has not been front and center. I need help getting out of this pit!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WONDEROONA 6/12/2011 3:21PM

    Family is very important to you. I can remember how excited you were a few months ago to go and see them. It seems like you need to focus on you so you can be around for that family that is so dear to you. You have inspiration right in front of you. All the time. Your family. Just thinking about your family should help inspire you. You are also a hero. You are on a difficult journey that takes alot of strength, physical and mental!! Keep yourself moving in a healthy way and the weight will go. emoticon emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/7/2011 9:16PM

  I agree with Libbyfitz... you need to start caring for you!


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CARRAND 6/7/2011 8:21PM

    I'm sorry to heat that terrible things are happening in your life right now. Just focus on taking care of yourself. Aim for health rather than weight loss. Exercise is good for you, both physically and mentally. It's great stress reliever. You need to find something that doesn't aggravate your tendonitis. Do you have access to a swimming pool? Water aerobics might be just what you need.

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LIBBYFITZ 6/7/2011 5:06PM

    I agree with Linda, you need to start being selfish and care for you. emoticon

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_LINDA 6/7/2011 2:25AM

    You loved your granny in spite of how she treated you over your weight?? I can see where you might have issues with emotional eating..You are dwelling in the past far too much. Lost loved ones, there is nothing you can do about that tragic fate :(( You must be more selfish and think only of yourself. Until you focus on what you are doing for yourself, and not concerned about everyone's problems, past and present, who has ever crossed your path in your life, it will be a struggle to do anything for a healthy lifestyle. The future, your future is what you must be concerned about. The quest for a healthy lifestyle is a very selfish pursuit. You must put yourself first. Your compassionate and kind heart must give yourself a break. You are worth caring about too. Look after your body and your peace of mind..You can do this..

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SPY 2, Day 124: I Had a Successful Day!

Monday, May 23, 2011

JAKEANDNELLIE blogged recently about her struggles with exercise and how she has resolved that by meaningfully exercising throughout the day – strength training while waiting for the microwave, walking while doing laundry, etc. That reignited my Spark! I walked over 12K steps and did 11 ST exercises. I have blogged before about how I do a lot of those ST in the elevator. Yes, I still take the elevator. I find if I take stairs, I can hardly move the next day. It is, for me, a better choice to take the elevator and walk every day.

I blogged yesterday about a Sparkfriend who’s leaving because she’s unhappy about doing everything right for months and not seeing results at the scale. Thank you to those who commented on that blog! I’ve been thinking a lot about my own journey. I am not happy that I weigh about what I did at the end of June last year. But I know what the issues are: I need to eat in balance and exercise more. I need to do both of those things consistently. It is still too easy for me to make the wrong choices.

Why am I here? I am sick and tired of being obese. I hate that label. I hate being fat. I hate being self-conscious about my appearance. I hate hearing people talk about their diets and I hate hearing everyone get compliments for losing weight and I stand there seemingly wearing a cloak of invisibility. More importantly, it’s a matter of life. The next generation of my family has arrived. I want to share in the lives of those children. I want to be a part of their lives and not sit on the sidelines. I don’t want to die prematurely and be a sad memory.

I also need to get in shape for career reasons. Not only do I want to job hunt for more pay, but I also know that I will need to work for a long time. I am a more employable person if I am healthy, so…

None of this really touches on quality of life, but that is a huge part of it.
I have, so far, eaten within range (except for 13 calories over), but I am HUNGRY. That sort of tells the story…HA!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 6/1/2011 12:46PM

    Keep on keeping on, rock star! You've got this!


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LIBBYFITZ 5/26/2011 10:14AM

    I can understand your friend's frustration. but it is up to ourselves as individuals in what we expect from something. I expected to be at goal weight by now when I first started with Spark, but over the months I have realised that this is NOT going to happen and I had to change my expectations and make different goals. As we get older our metabolism changes and it does get harder. When I had my daughter 25 years ago and needed to lose 6Kgs before we went home for Christmas, I was able to lose a kg a week, by eating sensibly, cutting out all the crap food, and walking, breastfeeding also helped a lot. Now 25 years later it ain't happening! But I will stick to it as the other choice is to leave Spark and regain what little weight i have lost and put on more!

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CARRAND 5/24/2011 8:56PM

    Hang on to that Spark! It's OK to be hungry once in a while. After a few days in your calorie range you'll get over the hunger feelings. There is no secret to weight loss. You just need to eat less and move more, consistently. I think my strength training helps me because I'm building muscle and that allows me to eat slightly more. My yoga classes help me to relax and that helps me to curb my evening eating. Once you find some exercise you really enjoy (kettle bells? elliptical?) you'll be more consistent about doing it and before you know it, the pounds will go. Hang in there. If I did it, you can, too.

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_LINDA 5/24/2011 11:13AM

    Its great you have found the Spark again! Little bits of fitness do add up. Did you read that daily Spark blog about sitting all day being bad for you even if you do work out 60 minutes every day? Apparently keeping moving or getting up every hour helps.
Sandra (knittables) does this to a T. She sits for hours knitting, but makes sure to get up every hour to do a cardio or ST break for 5 or 10. That is dedication! But it must be 10 minutes of getting your heart rate up into your training zone to be considered cardio. But just keep moving is the best! be a girl in motion!

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WONDEROONA 5/24/2011 7:26AM

    Way to go. It's great that you've found your inner spark again. Keep on with the good food choices and exercising. It will help you. I'm working on my goals as well. We can do this together!!!

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SPY 2, Day 123: It Could Have Been Me and May Still Be

Sunday, May 22, 2011

One of my sparkfriends blogged today that she is leaving Sparkpeople because she has been eating right and exercising for months without seeing a change in the scale. Icertainly understand the feeling, not that I can make that claim. Another friend still is looking for the quick fix and I ran out of words to persuade her otherwise.

Sure I could give up. Sure I can stop my sporadic attempts at exercise. Sure I can stop measuring, logging and trying to make smart food choices. I cannot compare my journey to Annie's, I have not walked in her steps. All I know is I have not given the full 100% to this journey for a long time.

Of course I don't like where I am: just about the same weight I was when I graduated last June. Less driven than I was. But, I have only to look in the mirror and see where the work needs to happen and where the fault lies for the results (or lack therof) for this year.

I know what I need to do. I am not sure I can right now. But, I am not giving up. I will continue to chip away at this. I have to believe the incremental steps will pay off, even if just a little, when I am finally ready make that 100% commitment.

I am grieved to see Annie go. I am diminished at the thought of losing her wit, strength and humor, of not being able to cheer her on, to encourage her. I wonder if she would have stayed had I been more demonstrative. I am not blaming, just musing.

The beauty of this site, of the community, is that people have the freedom to come and go as they need to do so. I have to let Annie go in my heart, but it is not easy, it is not without pain. I hope she finds the answers she is looking for.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

_LINDA 5/23/2011 5:29PM

    So sorry about your friend leaving :( There is usually a reason someone doesn't see results even though they think they are doing everything right. Could be anything from overestimating her fitness calories burned, or not tracking all the food she is eating, or not measuring but just guessing, or not having her fitness tracker set to the correct amount of cardio she does in a week. This program will work, but you really do have to be accurate in all things.
I am so glad you are not giving up. You are worth fighting for! You can only do the best you can and what your body's limitations will allow you any given day.. Just keep plugging away at it. Like a little bulldog who won't let go. You can do this!!

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SIMLIFY 5/23/2011 8:06AM

    I have Sparked less than a year and have been inspired by Sparkers who have experienced success. The ones who continue to blog and support me have been such a blessing! When some Sparkers have "left", I am pushed to find others that I can learn and be motivated by. It often works out that change is good.

Jump on to a new team or visit other Sparkers and I bet you'll find new inspiration!

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  Aw, that' too bad she's leaving. I left for a while and gained some weight back. Then came back and started over. I set 3 small goals to track, 10 min exercise, track nutrition and write in a journal. I still do at least these 3 things daily. After I got comfortable with the 3 goals, I increase my exercise to 30 minutes, then 45, then 60. I hate missing my daily goals so most of the time I eat within my range. I am constantly thinking about how I can increase my calorie burn and not go over on calorie intake. It takes a mindful thinking process that one needs to be aware of constantly. The eating part is the hard part for me and I am constantly challenged and I am grateful that I love to exercise.

I hope that you will hang in here and I hope that your friend will come back with a vengence!

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SPY 2, Day 120: I'm Making Progress

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My huddle today for several teams was "I'm making progress". Unlike previous times I've chosen that one, today was not for exercise. Today was for handling stress in a different way. I did not eat mindlessly, I did not do any sabotage-creating behaviors.

I did not exercise (tendonitis) even though I really wanted to. I tried to do some exercises, but the pain flared up beyond tolerance.

The work stress today was worse than I anticipated, but I handled it much better than I thought I would.

Good news: Yvonne's cat seems to be doing well after her surgery. My other friend and coworker has a very old cat with a similar problem and she may not make it. Very sad...Ingrid's husband has to fly to Europe and he may not be there to say goodby to their beloved cat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSY455 5/21/2011 11:48PM

    Progress comes in many forms, so glad you are seeing yours!

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CARRAND 5/20/2011 8:52PM

    Good for you.

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LIBBYFITZ 5/20/2011 1:20AM

    emoticonSo happy for you! Well done on managing the stress ! emoticon

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_LINDA 5/19/2011 11:12PM

    Emotional eating is one of the hardest struggles to overcome! Well done!
That is good news Yvonne's cat is doing okay..
Its too bad you couldn't do water exercise and get off that chronically hurting tendon.. I miss getting my water workouts, its a real break from the ground pounding stuff I normally do..
I hope you have a better Friday and a restful weekend!

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SPY 2, Day 119: What's Wrong With Me?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I am completely snowed under at work, to the point that I feel paralyzed and unable to accomplish anything! I started the day on the wrong foot by not having coffee and feeling as if looked scruffy.

Today's Toastmaster meeting was one of the best ones yet. Two very entertaining speeches, humorous table topics, the hour just flew! I won the Evaluator ribbon, but I would have liked this meeting just as much without it.

I get to cover Yvonne's desk for the rest of the week. Her cat is going in for surgery (a subrenal cyst needs to be removed). She told her team I would do something for them without even talking to my boss or me about it. Then I found out I will be covering her desk, the IP paralegal's desk and mine for a week in July (and Yvonne's desk and mine for the week following).

The two exec admins are giving me heat about some boxes of files that need to be moved, catalogued and sent to offsite storage -- all as soon as possible. The new IP paralegal plastered my name all over the boxes and on the whiteboard hanging over the boxes. The crunch is that they have to be moved before our new attorney starts on Monday. I looked at the boxes the other day. I don't know why it's my job to do this - I had never seen some of them before!

This is all on top of the full load of work I already have. All this to say I am amazed I did not give in to the stress and start eating everything in sight.

I found myself staring at work and not able to move, to think, to take the next step. I feel ok, I just could not pick up the pen, the paper or type the next email. I drank some diet soda and ate a piece of fruit and managed to get through the day. I felt weepy, tired and on the edge of slipping into very unprofessional behavior. Thank goodness, I did not do that!

I did a very short ST session tonight and am ending the day pretty much in range nutritionally. Amazing!

I read an article somewhere that said a symptom of menopause can be an inability to concentrate. I am not menopausal yet, but I am terrified of losing my ability to focus! I learned I have to choose a new doctor, so I suppose this concern might be the impetus to do so. I can't afford to take the time for the appointment....Overwhelmed!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 5/19/2011 8:35PM

    Hang in there honey. A bad day (or week) at work doesn't mean you are losing your mind. And you didn't give in to your mood and overeat! That's something to celebrate.

My son has a theory that bad things always happen to him on Thursdays. Maybe for you it's Wednesdays. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/19/2011 12:38PM

    Divide to conquer.
Divide those large tasks into smaller elements - make a list of the smaller elements and check each off as you complete it. Don't make the list too long because it will then look overwhelming also! You can always make new lists. Schedule yourself a break or some short "me" time when you accomplish a set amount.
I used to do this when I was teaching and was overwhelmed with paper work, parent conference forms, report cards, lesson plans . . . It always helped me to see how much I'd accomplished by looking at the checks!
I'm sending you "stay strong" thoughts!
Stay positive!

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WONDEROONA 5/19/2011 7:15AM

    Start off slowly. take one thing at a time. Prioritize your time. Just start at one pile and do it and then take a minute to look at what you have accomplished. Then, start all over again and you will find and end. Take faith in your abilities and knowledge and yourself. Try not to stress, it will just make things worse. emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 5/18/2011 11:38PM

    emoticon Do you have a manager that you can speak to and ask for time off to go see your doctor.

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