Tuesday, June 07, 2011
I don't remember the exact day, it could be today, but it is sometime this week 40 years ago. I met my dad, stepmother and baby brother. I was a very underweight teen. I was 4'6" and 80 pounds,
Today was gramma's birthday (Mother's mother) I adored her! She lied to me when I was a teen and I've never forgotten. She was trying to motivate me to lose weight (living with Dad and going to the boarding school where I got 3 meals a day plus desert on top of being inactive had put me something over 100 - I think I was about 120 when I graduated from high school). Gramma told me that my skin would split if I did not stop eating. Even then I knew that was not true. When that did not work, she told me she would not see me until I lost the weight. (She did come to my high school graduation and that may have been the last time I saw her. She died a few years later from cancer).
Tomorrow is my stepmother's birthday. She was roughly halfway between my dad's age and mine. She found out my dad had children from his first marriage and insisted that we have the chance to meet him. Unfortunately, my older brother never got the chance, but that's another story. I believe she saved my life - also another blog.
Sometime around the 22nd or 23rd of June will be the 40th anniversary of my older brother's death. He died saving another boy's life. My younger brother was in the Navy so I am surrounded by heroes!
Me? I weigh almost exactly what I weighed at the end of June last year when I earned my paralegal degree. Not happy about that! I can't seem to get over this tendonitis, either. Other terrible things are happening in my life, so my SP journey has not been front and center. I need help getting out of this pit!
Monday, May 23, 2011
JAKEANDNELLIE blogged recently about her struggles with exercise and how she has resolved that by meaningfully exercising throughout the day – strength training while waiting for the microwave, walking while doing laundry, etc. That reignited my Spark! I walked over 12K steps and did 11 ST exercises. I have blogged before about how I do a lot of those ST in the elevator. Yes, I still take the elevator. I find if I take stairs, I can hardly move the next day. It is, for me, a better choice to take the elevator and walk every day.
I blogged yesterday about a Sparkfriend who’s leaving because she’s unhappy about doing everything right for months and not seeing results at the scale. Thank you to those who commented on that blog! I’ve been thinking a lot about my own journey. I am not happy that I weigh about what I did at the end of June last year. But I know what the issues are: I need to eat in balance and exercise more. I need to do both of those things consistently. It is still too easy for me to make the wrong choices.
Why am I here? I am sick and tired of being obese. I hate that label. I hate being fat. I hate being self-conscious about my appearance. I hate hearing people talk about their diets and I hate hearing everyone get compliments for losing weight and I stand there seemingly wearing a cloak of invisibility. More importantly, it’s a matter of life. The next generation of my family has arrived. I want to share in the lives of those children. I want to be a part of their lives and not sit on the sidelines. I don’t want to die prematurely and be a sad memory.
I also need to get in shape for career reasons. Not only do I want to job hunt for more pay, but I also know that I will need to work for a long time. I am a more employable person if I am healthy, so…
None of this really touches on quality of life, but that is a huge part of it.
I have, so far, eaten within range (except for 13 calories over), but I am HUNGRY. That sort of tells the story…HA!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
One of my sparkfriends blogged today that she is leaving Sparkpeople because she has been eating right and exercising for months without seeing a change in the scale. Icertainly understand the feeling, not that I can make that claim. Another friend still is looking for the quick fix and I ran out of words to persuade her otherwise.
Sure I could give up. Sure I can stop my sporadic attempts at exercise. Sure I can stop measuring, logging and trying to make smart food choices. I cannot compare my journey to Annie's, I have not walked in her steps. All I know is I have not given the full 100% to this journey for a long time.
Of course I don't like where I am: just about the same weight I was when I graduated last June. Less driven than I was. But, I have only to look in the mirror and see where the work needs to happen and where the fault lies for the results (or lack therof) for this year.
I know what I need to do. I am not sure I can right now. But, I am not giving up. I will continue to chip away at this. I have to believe the incremental steps will pay off, even if just a little, when I am finally ready make that 100% commitment.
I am grieved to see Annie go. I am diminished at the thought of losing her wit, strength and humor, of not being able to cheer her on, to encourage her. I wonder if she would have stayed had I been more demonstrative. I am not blaming, just musing.
The beauty of this site, of the community, is that people have the freedom to come and go as they need to do so. I have to let Annie go in my heart, but it is not easy, it is not without pain. I hope she finds the answers she is looking for.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
My huddle today for several teams was "I'm making progress". Unlike previous times I've chosen that one, today was not for exercise. Today was for handling stress in a different way. I did not eat mindlessly, I did not do any sabotage-creating behaviors.
I did not exercise (tendonitis) even though I really wanted to. I tried to do some exercises, but the pain flared up beyond tolerance.
The work stress today was worse than I anticipated, but I handled it much better than I thought I would.
Good news: Yvonne's cat seems to be doing well after her surgery. My other friend and coworker has a very old cat with a similar problem and she may not make it. Very sad...Ingrid's husband has to fly to Europe and he may not be there to say goodby to their beloved cat.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I am completely snowed under at work, to the point that I feel paralyzed and unable to accomplish anything! I started the day on the wrong foot by not having coffee and feeling as if looked scruffy.
Today's Toastmaster meeting was one of the best ones yet. Two very entertaining speeches, humorous table topics, the hour just flew! I won the Evaluator ribbon, but I would have liked this meeting just as much without it.
I get to cover Yvonne's desk for the rest of the week. Her cat is going in for surgery (a subrenal cyst needs to be removed). She told her team I would do something for them without even talking to my boss or me about it. Then I found out I will be covering her desk, the IP paralegal's desk and mine for a week in July (and Yvonne's desk and mine for the week following).
The two exec admins are giving me heat about some boxes of files that need to be moved, catalogued and sent to offsite storage -- all as soon as possible. The new IP paralegal plastered my name all over the boxes and on the whiteboard hanging over the boxes. The crunch is that they have to be moved before our new attorney starts on Monday. I looked at the boxes the other day. I don't know why it's my job to do this - I had never seen some of them before!
This is all on top of the full load of work I already have. All this to say I am amazed I did not give in to the stress and start eating everything in sight.
I found myself staring at work and not able to move, to think, to take the next step. I feel ok, I just could not pick up the pen, the paper or type the next email. I drank some diet soda and ate a piece of fruit and managed to get through the day. I felt weepy, tired and on the edge of slipping into very unprofessional behavior. Thank goodness, I did not do that!
I did a very short ST session tonight and am ending the day pretty much in range nutritionally. Amazing!
I read an article somewhere that said a symptom of menopause can be an inability to concentrate. I am not menopausal yet, but I am terrified of losing my ability to focus! I learned I have to choose a new doctor, so I suppose this concern might be the impetus to do so. I can't afford to take the time for the appointment....Overwhelmed!
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