JUNEAU2010   165,503
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SPY 2; Day 14:

Friday, February 11, 2011

Not much exercise today. My joints are very sore and I am not sure why. I can hardly move!

I had lunch with my former boss and a retired coworker today. The retired coworker is the one who brought me to my present employer and the former boss was my first boss at this company. Tomorrow is my 10th anniversary at this company, despite the fact that they laid me off twice. Fortunately, I was rehired twice! My retired coworker friend was actually laid off but she took it as early retirement because the buyout was better, I guess.

The fatigue returned, but not as severely as it was early in the week.

My plan is to get lots of rest this weekend in preparation for the lunch with my VP on Tuesday. I brought home my text from the IP class to review in case it turns out to be the interview.

Monday I have a training session with Yvonne to prepare me for covering her desk. She has posted it in a very pompous manner which is probably part of the payback for my moment of rudeness yesterday. I am not looking forward to this. I also anticipate she will be in a "poor me" mood because it is Valentines Day and she is currently single....I understand the loneliness, but I also understand self-pity.

But - this is not the forum for that. I need to walk my own path. I have enough attitudes that need work without worrying about someone else's. One of those is my relationship to food. Today I want to eat everything, especially carbs!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 2/12/2011 7:33PM

    I'm so hoping you get your promotion. You really deserve it.

You're better off not worrying about your co-worker. You can't like everyone, everyday. And you can't change other people, you can only change how you react to them.

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LIBBYFITZ 2/12/2011 7:48AM

    emoticonHope the sore joints are not the beginning of a viral infection. glad you are going to rest up!

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SPY 2, Day 13: Tears, Rudeness, Victory and Hope

Thursday, February 10, 2011

The other day, my CDs arrived. I finally broke the seal and played two of them today. These are CDs of the music I learned from my music teacher decades ago. Of course, back then, they were are LPs! I had not heard these songs (except me singing them) since those days in her music room. I knew it would bring back memories, but I was unprepared for the flood of memories, for the pain, for the tears. The pain will pass, but it was sharp today! At the same time, through the tears, my spirit was uplifted in a profound way.

During the day, I stopped by Yvonne's desk to see if she needed me to take anything to the finance office. In the course of that conversation, she told me to take any more new orders that came in and process them. I will be covering her desk when she goes on vacation next month, so the reminders of how to do so will be useful. A few hours later, I pulled one in and found that it was a really unusual one. I went back to her desk with it hoping she was still in. She was, but I innocently walked into the middle of some rush thing she was doing for the attorney that she'd given the popularity award to last week. I also did not realize that she was rushing to get out the door and when she asked us (the attorney and me) if the matter could wait until tomorrow, he thought she was asking him. I knew it was me. I turned on heel and was a bit rude and left. I feel terribly.

I was within range on most things for food. Low in carbs - how odd! High in sodium, but not much. Something over 8K steps - I took a shorter walk at lunch just in case my leg flared up again. My left arm has been in a great deal of pain all day. I don't know if I slept on it wrong or carried that back of cat food wrong yesterday or what. No ST on that arm today.

I had a dream last night that I was going to be laid off. That was an unsettling way to start the day!

Out of the blue, my VP came to me and said we should do lunch next week because we have not talked in a while. Of course I accepted! I don't know if this will be the setting for my interview for the promotion or something completely different. The lunch will be on Tuesday. I will color my hair this weekend and get it trimmed, try to get lots of rest before then and see what happens.

Today was a day of small victories. Generally within range on food, some walking and it felt good, a more productive work day and music that lifted my mood.

Hope is relit in my heart! (Even though I will pay dearly for my rudeness to Yvonne). That's for another day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 2/11/2011 9:29PM

    Enjoy getting your hair done - that's always nice.

Relax over the weekend - having lunch with a VP is a pretty big thing and it sounds promising. VPs don't just have lunch with anyone around my parts. It sounds exciting, gorgeous. Congrats.


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CARRAND 2/11/2011 9:19PM

    Good luck with lunch next week!

I always feel bad when I've been rude to someone, even when they had it coming, I still feel bad.

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MYSTERY4EVER 2/11/2011 1:48PM

    Feel better. Can you apologize to Yvonne in person or e-mail now? Take care. Have a good weekend.

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LIBBYFITZ 2/11/2011 3:48AM

    Here is to wishing you some good news next week! emoticon

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JHADZHIA 2/10/2011 11:53PM

    Glad your day went well for calories and exercise... Hope your arm feels better after a good night's sleep. Good luck with your lunch with the VP, hope that is a good omen!

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SPY 2; Day 12: Progress Today

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Making Progress – What Does That Mean Today?
I ate within range in all respects save being low in calcium. (I was high in calcium earlier in the week, so, on balance, that’s probably ok.)
Exercise is a mixed bag, but it’s better than yesterday and the weekend. I had some light, very light, strength training. My pedometer says I logged in over 10K steps and 3.3 miles (not all at once). One of the things I did was go shopping on the way home from work. I parked some distance from the store, though I could have parked farther, and walked through the store several times. That was not planned, I was looking for a specific product. Then, I pushed the cart to my car and back to the store after emptying it. That creates a conundrum for me: Me pushing the cart back to the store is akin to using the self-checkout lane or turning down help to my car at the grocery store – as stores move towards automation and people like me move towards more fit choices, this starts to erode entry level jobs. No big deal, you say? Where does a teen or college student get the first job, the summer job if we continue to allow businesses to cut those positions? How does a young person get that experience if they can’t get that first foot in the door? I often shag my cart, but I refuse to use the self-checkout lane. I once said something about it in the store when someone asked me, saying I did not want to take a job away. Several people said they had never thought about it like that. A couple employees came up to me privately and said thank you!
But I digress.
My left leg is still sore, but not as badly as yesterday. I did not step on the elliptical today. My energy level was a little better today, but still a far cry from where it should be. I suppose I should see a doctor, but it’s almost not worth it. It would take weeks to get to see my doctor and I don’t want to take more time off from work nor pay the copay for the visit. I could go see someone on-call, but that does not assuage my other concerns. We’ll see.
I delivered the speech at my home club today. This was the same speech I shared recently in a blog, the one about my music teacher. My speech evaluator used a great turn of phrase: life of a friendship. I have some areas for improvement – I need more vocal variety and more body language. Still, the president of the club called me afterwards to tell me I should keep this speech and use it to enter a contest. That surprised me! One of the guests at today’s meeting is our legal intern, an attorney on loan to us for a year. I was pleased he accepted my invitation!
Speaking of legal staff, I still have heard nothing about my application for the paralegal position. The VP was out of town last week and we still have not filled the two attorney positions. It could be a while. It is hard to be patient and this whole situation probably contributes to my mental fatigue! It is also review season and I don’t have high hopes about what mine will say. I have worked in an invisible world for too long!
In previous blogs, I have shared about my friend and coworker Yvonne. In December, I helped with her extreme workload which included covering her desk completely while she was out sick. She said thanks, but her boss never acknowledged my assistance, though he was quick to ask for it from my boss. This sounds so petty, but it is indicative of my invisibility. The legal department has a monthly award that moves from person to person. The holder one month selects the next month’s holder. A couple of years ago, Yvonne took on another job on top of her own with no increase in pay. The holder of the award did not know who to nominate for the next month, so I sent her an email and gave her a write-up she could use to pass the award to Yvonne. I don’t know if Yvonne knows I did that. In December, a lady who is having real trouble fitting in had the award and passed it to Yvonne for January. Yvonne clearly received it knowing it was a “suck-up” nomination (her words). Despite her scorn, Yvonne did the same thing by nominating one of the attorneys. Yes, I thought she should have chosen me, for all of the support I have given in the past and because, when she goes on vacation in March, I will be doing her desk. I was hurt. It is a silly thing about which to be hurt and my sharing this might diminish your esteem for me. I hope not. But I share it in a “thinking aloud” sort of way. I am striving to find my equilibrium with everything that is going on.
I am not happy to have regained some weight, I don’t like how my clothes feel, there’s not much I like about myself right now, but I am still plugging along.
Thank you for the support, for the comments and Spark Goodies. I seem to say this often, but repeating does not make it less sincere. I am truly touched and grateful!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 2/10/2011 9:32PM

    I can understand how things happen at work that get you down. I've been there. My last evaluation was a big disappointment, but there is nothing I can do about it. So I just try to make myself happy at work and try to do the right things for my employees and my customers.

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LIBBYFITZ 2/10/2011 2:16PM

    The only rewards that have a true meaning is the pay check at the end of the week. It does sound like the office award system doesn't seem to have much value it it is used to get on the "right" side of someone!

We have one for all the community nurses and the people who seem to win them have been in the same place for ever! Because I travelled all over the place because of hubby's job I got left out, but decided not to let it affect me, as it is not worth it. emoticon

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MISSY455 2/10/2011 3:02AM

    I don't think your hurt over Yvonne's nomination choice is unfounded. Some people just don't think how their actions affect other people at all. It sounds like the award has degenerated into the murky waters of popularity and office politics. One of the many reasons it has always been hard for me to put much credence in awards presented on anything but concrete merit.

You are still plugging along, so quit being so hard on yourself. Negative talk doesn't help. It just adds to the stress, and you have enough of that in your life right now. Take a step back, really look at where you are in terms of calories in versus calories out. Have you looked at the reports to see if you have had big swings over a week or two? Are you tracking your sodium intake? It makes a huge difference for me. Also, I know you stated you got in some light strength training. Are you getting in at least 3 sessions a week? Strength training is important for our muscles to burn excess calories. I need all the help there I can get!

Take care of yourself!

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SPY 2; Day 11 - A Step or More Backwards

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

I ended up eating way over today. I don't care. That's not true. I DO care, I just don't have the energy to deal with it. I am so, so, so, so tired. When I get this tired, I look to food to give me energy. Lately, that has not worked. Neither has sleep and neither has exercise.

Somehow, I must turn this around. My employer deserves a better performance and I need to be that better person.

My weaker leg has been very sore all day. Minimal exercise. The back of the leg is very sore and the knee feels absolutely huge.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 2/9/2011 9:52PM

    Please see your doctor. You need to find out what's going on with the tiredness. Take care of yourself.

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LIBBYFITZ 2/9/2011 4:51PM

    emoticonHave you made an appointment to see your Dr.?

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JHADZHIA 2/9/2011 10:31AM

    Sounds like you need to get a blood test to make sure your blood isn't low. I have had anemia from RA as a result of stress and its no fun :(( You should ice that knee regularly as well. Being that tired if you are getting enough sleep isn't normal and you are under a lot of stress with your work..
Take care of yourself,
emoticon emoticon

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SPY 2, Day 10: Progress

Monday, February 07, 2011

I have not updated my stats on SP, but I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered I am back to the weight Iwas before this year started. It is today's number and I am disappointed, but I am not upset. It's just a snapshot.

Today's exercise was walking, nearly 10K steps. I also went back to the elliptical and completed 3 minutes! One minute more than last week! My left leg, which is the weaker one, felt like rubber and I was not sure it would hold me as I walked to my car, but while I was still on the elliptical, I felt as if I might, might be able to go another 30 seconds.

What's amazing, though, is that when I went into the gym (it's a tiny one at work
with windows looking out at the parking lot). someone was in there jogging on the treadmill. I have seen her before but don't know her. Instead of turning around, I climbed on the elliptical and started moving. I told myself that she was doing her thing and I would not be embarrassed about doing so little. She headed to the free weights after a cool down before I left. I do wonder what she thought about my 3 minute workout. But, as I headed to the car, I told myself that I am very pleased with my progress. I look forward to the day when I laugh about doing 3 minutes!

I am within range on most foods, high on calcium and low on carbs. I will have some popcorn and that should do it.

I am still on the emotional edge of life and the stuff in my life is not any better, but I am just plugging on.

THANK YOU, everyone, for your support, your encouragement.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYSTERY4EVER 2/8/2011 11:32PM

    Glad you are getting back in the groove. Mixing up exercise is good too. Take care.

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CARRAND 2/8/2011 8:46PM

    The elliptical is a great workout! You can do it!

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LIBBYFITZ 2/8/2011 1:47PM

    emoticonto getting on the Elliptical! emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 2/8/2011 10:46AM

  Great work on the 3 minutes.. it's a lot better than 0 minutes. I am sure that woman is too busy doing her own thing to count the minutes you were on the elliptical for. ;) Keep on doing what you're doing... you're doing great!

emoticon emoticon

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JHADZHIA 2/8/2011 12:34AM

    Well done!! You did great with the elliptical and its a tougher workout then the treadmill as it works your arms too. The best thing is it being low impact, best for your joints. It is good you didn't concern yourself with what the other person may have thought of your effort. Most people are in their own world exercising, especially if they are plugged into music and don't even notice what anyone else is doing anyway. Everyone's level is different. Its a tremendous effort to try! This is for you and no one else matters!
Keep up the great work. You can't do anything about your work, its out of your hands, so focus on the things you can do that are under your control -like getting fit and healthy!

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