Thursday, February 10, 2011
The other day, my CDs arrived. I finally broke the seal and played two of them today. These are CDs of the music I learned from my music teacher decades ago. Of course, back then, they were are LPs! I had not heard these songs (except me singing them) since those days in her music room. I knew it would bring back memories, but I was unprepared for the flood of memories, for the pain, for the tears. The pain will pass, but it was sharp today! At the same time, through the tears, my spirit was uplifted in a profound way.
During the day, I stopped by Yvonne's desk to see if she needed me to take anything to the finance office. In the course of that conversation, she told me to take any more new orders that came in and process them. I will be covering her desk when she goes on vacation next month, so the reminders of how to do so will be useful. A few hours later, I pulled one in and found that it was a really unusual one. I went back to her desk with it hoping she was still in. She was, but I innocently walked into the middle of some rush thing she was doing for the attorney that she'd given the popularity award to last week. I also did not realize that she was rushing to get out the door and when she asked us (the attorney and me) if the matter could wait until tomorrow, he thought she was asking him. I knew it was me. I turned on heel and was a bit rude and left. I feel terribly.
I was within range on most things for food. Low in carbs - how odd! High in sodium, but not much. Something over 8K steps - I took a shorter walk at lunch just in case my leg flared up again. My left arm has been in a great deal of pain all day. I don't know if I slept on it wrong or carried that back of cat food wrong yesterday or what. No ST on that arm today.
I had a dream last night that I was going to be laid off. That was an unsettling way to start the day!
Out of the blue, my VP came to me and said we should do lunch next week because we have not talked in a while. Of course I accepted! I don't know if this will be the setting for my interview for the promotion or something completely different. The lunch will be on Tuesday. I will color my hair this weekend and get it trimmed, try to get lots of rest before then and see what happens.
Today was a day of small victories. Generally within range on food, some walking and it felt good, a more productive work day and music that lifted my mood.
Hope is relit in my heart! (Even though I will pay dearly for my rudeness to Yvonne). That's for another day.
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Making Progress – What Does That Mean Today?
I ate within range in all respects save being low in calcium. (I was high in calcium earlier in the week, so, on balance, that’s probably ok.)
Exercise is a mixed bag, but it’s better than yesterday and the weekend. I had some light, very light, strength training. My pedometer says I logged in over 10K steps and 3.3 miles (not all at once). One of the things I did was go shopping on the way home from work. I parked some distance from the store, though I could have parked farther, and walked through the store several times. That was not planned, I was looking for a specific product. Then, I pushed the cart to my car and back to the store after emptying it. That creates a conundrum for me: Me pushing the cart back to the store is akin to using the self-checkout lane or turning down help to my car at the grocery store – as stores move towards automation and people like me move towards more fit choices, this starts to erode entry level jobs. No big deal, you say? Where does a teen or college student get the first job, the summer job if we continue to allow businesses to cut those positions? How does a young person get that experience if they can’t get that first foot in the door? I often shag my cart, but I refuse to use the self-checkout lane. I once said something about it in the store when someone asked me, saying I did not want to take a job away. Several people said they had never thought about it like that. A couple employees came up to me privately and said thank you!
But I digress.
My left leg is still sore, but not as badly as yesterday. I did not step on the elliptical today. My energy level was a little better today, but still a far cry from where it should be. I suppose I should see a doctor, but it’s almost not worth it. It would take weeks to get to see my doctor and I don’t want to take more time off from work nor pay the copay for the visit. I could go see someone on-call, but that does not assuage my other concerns. We’ll see.
I delivered the speech at my home club today. This was the same speech I shared recently in a blog, the one about my music teacher. My speech evaluator used a great turn of phrase: life of a friendship. I have some areas for improvement – I need more vocal variety and more body language. Still, the president of the club called me afterwards to tell me I should keep this speech and use it to enter a contest. That surprised me! One of the guests at today’s meeting is our legal intern, an attorney on loan to us for a year. I was pleased he accepted my invitation!
Speaking of legal staff, I still have heard nothing about my application for the paralegal position. The VP was out of town last week and we still have not filled the two attorney positions. It could be a while. It is hard to be patient and this whole situation probably contributes to my mental fatigue! It is also review season and I don’t have high hopes about what mine will say. I have worked in an invisible world for too long!
In previous blogs, I have shared about my friend and coworker Yvonne. In December, I helped with her extreme workload which included covering her desk completely while she was out sick. She said thanks, but her boss never acknowledged my assistance, though he was quick to ask for it from my boss. This sounds so petty, but it is indicative of my invisibility. The legal department has a monthly award that moves from person to person. The holder one month selects the next month’s holder. A couple of years ago, Yvonne took on another job on top of her own with no increase in pay. The holder of the award did not know who to nominate for the next month, so I sent her an email and gave her a write-up she could use to pass the award to Yvonne. I don’t know if Yvonne knows I did that. In December, a lady who is having real trouble fitting in had the award and passed it to Yvonne for January. Yvonne clearly received it knowing it was a “suck-up” nomination (her words). Despite her scorn, Yvonne did the same thing by nominating one of the attorneys. Yes, I thought she should have chosen me, for all of the support I have given in the past and because, when she goes on vacation in March, I will be doing her desk. I was hurt. It is a silly thing about which to be hurt and my sharing this might diminish your esteem for me. I hope not. But I share it in a “thinking aloud” sort of way. I am striving to find my equilibrium with everything that is going on.
I am not happy to have regained some weight, I don’t like how my clothes feel, there’s not much I like about myself right now, but I am still plugging along.
Thank you for the support, for the comments and Spark Goodies. I seem to say this often, but repeating does not make it less sincere. I am truly touched and grateful!
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
I ended up eating way over today. I don't care. That's not true. I DO care, I just don't have the energy to deal with it. I am so, so, so, so tired. When I get this tired, I look to food to give me energy. Lately, that has not worked. Neither has sleep and neither has exercise.
Somehow, I must turn this around. My employer deserves a better performance and I need to be that better person.
My weaker leg has been very sore all day. Minimal exercise. The back of the leg is very sore and the knee feels absolutely huge.
Monday, February 07, 2011
I have not updated my stats on SP, but I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered I am back to the weight Iwas before this year started. It is today's number and I am disappointed, but I am not upset. It's just a snapshot.
Today's exercise was walking, nearly 10K steps. I also went back to the elliptical and completed 3 minutes! One minute more than last week! My left leg, which is the weaker one, felt like rubber and I was not sure it would hold me as I walked to my car, but while I was still on the elliptical, I felt as if I might, might be able to go another 30 seconds.
What's amazing, though, is that when I went into the gym (it's a tiny one at work
with windows looking out at the parking lot). someone was in there jogging on the treadmill. I have seen her before but don't know her. Instead of turning around, I climbed on the elliptical and started moving. I told myself that she was doing her thing and I would not be embarrassed about doing so little. She headed to the free weights after a cool down before I left. I do wonder what she thought about my 3 minute workout. But, as I headed to the car, I told myself that I am very pleased with my progress. I look forward to the day when I laugh about doing 3 minutes!
I am within range on most foods, high on calcium and low on carbs. I will have some popcorn and that should do it.
I am still on the emotional edge of life and the stuff in my life is not any better, but I am just plugging on.
THANK YOU, everyone, for your support, your encouragement.
Monday, February 07, 2011
I lost it this morning. I got very upset at BF over really stupid stuff and money. I was in tears. I can't even articulate the depth of my despair.
I ate a good breakfast but lunch was chips and dip and.......it was the Super Bowl.
Dinner was fish and mixed veggies.
I know I have to start again tomorrow. Tonight, I do not have what it takes.
Let's see how sleep impacts the day.
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