Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Yesterday, I wore a huge sweater all day. I overheat easily, so I rarely wear a long sleeved shirt let alone another layer. I was not cold, though the weather is starting to be changeable, so it did not appear odd in the morning. Why the sweater? I had a limited choice of clothes to wear and did not like the way my clothes fit, felt and looked. I was trying to hide!
It reminded me of a former coworker, Edna. Edna was an older woman who had had a very hard life. While she worked with me, she became a US citizen (I think she was from Alberta, Canada, but I don't remember now). We became friends and often had dinner together. She always wore a huge pink coat. At the end of the year, she quit and left the state. Only after she died a couple of years later did we learn that she quit because she was diagnosed with MS. She had moved to Montana and cut off contact with everyone who'd known her before. Only after her funeral did I learn that she wore that pink coat because she felt so badly about how she looked. She was not FAT, but she was a tall, big boned woman who did have some weight to lose. She probably would have been surprised to learn that I probably weighed more than she did. I am really short, but I weigh a lot more than most people could guess.
So I thought of Edna and how sad I felt when I learned all this about her too late to try to make her feel better!
There are lots of swirling thoughts about Mother, but I am not ready to explore those today. Her birthday is next month, so that makes the swirling thoughts come up...
It has been a long time since I have consciously dressed to hide...sad!
I remembered to wear my earplugs last night and that made such a difference. I did not sleep longer, but I did sleep more deepl
Today: work is even more crazy than yesterday. I had no energy to put in any overtime, though I have the work and need the money. Both heels are very sore, so I decided to come home and rest. On balance, I am not sure I accomplished a lot, but I was busy all day.
Today was our Toastmaster meeting and I was the General Evaluator. In this role, I give feedback to the Toastmaster of the Day, the speech evaluators and some general observations of the meeting. I was much more relaxed than usual, though I did have moments of nervousness. I was able to move around, add some vocal variety, body language and humor. My speeches don't go that smoothly some times! I really enjoyed the role for the first time ever! Our district humorous speech and evaluator contests are both next week. I am our club's entrant for the evaluation contest - a first for me.
It was an interesting day in that I handled a lot of different things - tax certificates, renewing authority to do business, some revenue contracts (I am being cross trained and the lady who handles them was off today so it was a chance for me to go solo and see how far I get), prepared a couple of spreadsheets for my boss. I had a meeting with the director of the meeting planners group and she has asked me to make a presentation to her team early next year.
At the end of the day, a coworker asked me to notarize something for her. It was a document in another language, so I called the hotline to make sure I can legally notarize it. The answer was that I may do the notarization, but it's risky because my lack of literacy in this language means it could be fraud. The other thing I had to do was attach the California All Purpose Acknowledgment. This was the first time I'd called the hotline and, while I did not learn anything, it did confirm what I thought. I did the notarization and she was so thrilled! She was so grateful! I explained that her being able to have that done at work and at no cost is one of her perks for being an employee. She still wants to buy me lunch next week because she did not have to leave the office to get it done! I know her only because we are both in the Toastmaster club. She is a nuclear scientist and our paths would not otherwise cross. I love her effervescent personality and was honored to fulfill her request. NOTE: I would not have done this particular notarization if she were not a coworker. I am pretty risk averse. The company carries Error and Omissions insurance on my notarizations, but I have no insurance beyond that. That is why I don't advertise my commission nor do notarial acts outside of work unless there is something really unique about the situation. I love doing personal notarizations for my coworkers because we talk about what is going on and I get to know them a little better than I would in any other way. Most of the time, it's associated with a happy event such as buying a house, so those are fun conversations!
Over the weekend, after having had the carb binge, I started looking for reasonably sized containers for my lunches so that I could have measured amounts of food more easily. Everyone carries these jumbo containers! 2.5 cup size was about the smallest I found! No wonder everyone is so heavy! Talk about portion distortion! I ended up ordering some online. Not SP, unfortunately. SP products are too expensive. I received an email this evening saying the order has shipped. I am looking forward to receiving and using the containers! I suppose spending the money on something for ME was a counter measure to all of the negative thinking, though I did not recognize it as such at the time.
This was a first! I did so many exercises today, I lost track! Not a lot of any of them, but I took full advantage of the elevator, the time waiting for the microwave and Achilles tendon stretching waiting for the elevator. I also ended the day with just a few steps under 10K!
I changed my breakfast. I had half as much cereal and added imitation crabmeat as a protein along side. I got hungry for lunch earlier than normal, but I walked past the pretzels. I walked past the homemade coffee cake TWICE!
for your feed and blog comments! I will be rereading those notes as I work myself out of this valley!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
All day long, I have been composing a blog in my head. I used to blog every day, but have now fallen into an old lifestyle habit. My family knows when I go silent that things are not going well. So it is now. I don't have the energy to type it all out now.
Suffice to say I have rediscovered food as a bandaid of consolation. That begets the whole cycle of eating to punish me for eating in the first place. The few good choices I have made this week were when I had the thought front and center that I was making a good choice for that wounded little girl inside.
I am completely overwhelmed at work and, the worse it gets, I perform less so it makes things even worse. UGH! This is not me!
Today, I had my weekly meeting with my supervising attorney. She chewed me out (followed by an apology) because I had not followed through on something to its' logical conclusion. This is the 3rd time with her when I have presented partial work. Yesterday I asked my boss a question that, had I thought about it, I would not have asked. He said, "Well, let's think about that..." and I immediately wanted to get away. My supervising attorney said she knows I can do the work, but I keep failing and she finds it "interesting".
I am mentally tired. I am emotionally fragile. I am so beaten down, I don't have the energy to turn things around.
There's a lot more I could say, but......I don't have the energy and y'all don't need to hear a pity party (not going there).
Thanks to all who have commented on my feeds, touched my page and my increasingly infrequent blogs. YOU are treasures!
Friday, September 17, 2010
09/17/1789 - the day the US Constitution was signed! That was the highlight of the day.
I have felt lousy most of this week and have been inhaling carbs in an effort to make me feel better. I don't think I will weigh tomorrow...
My tendon is very, very sore.
I hope to take a nice long walk on the baylands tomorrow. We shall see. This is a week that is a setback, but it is not a defeat.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Today was the first All Hands meeting with our new CEO. I usually sit in the front of the room so I can hear and see. But I knew everyone would expect me to do so and I wanted to send a message that the change of CEO is not something I take lightly, so I sat near the back of the room.
I'm going to reserve judgment for a while - see how things play out. I won't allow myself to get caught up in the rumor mill or the speculation about what everything he says or does not say. At least not outwardly!
There is still a ton of snack food from the picnic. I hit up the pretzels again even though I know the salt will be an issue. And more...ACK! I need to get a grip on this. Halloween is coming, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. I sit and work with two groups that are always bringing food in.
Surprisingly, I got in almost 9K steps today! It was a gloriously perfect day today!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Our new CEO started the week with an over-the-weekend email. He has promoted one VP to take his old position, created a new VP position and moved some departments to now report to a different VP. My take away is that he wants to hit the ground running (a good thing) and that this may be the first of a series of changes (a good thing IF I don't get laid off!).
He held meetings in Charlotte and Knoxville today and will hold his California "All Hands" meeting tomorrow. Everything is up in the air.
Late in the afternoon, the picnic committee put out the candy, chips, cookies and other snacks out. I grabbed a handful of pretzel bits, but skipped the oh-so-tempting chocolate chip cookies! Thinking about them makes me hungry!
I got in 7636 steps but am still feeling the after effects of the concussion, so I did not push it.
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