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What I Could Not Say Yesterday and How Today Went...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Yesterday, I wore a huge sweater all day. I overheat easily, so I rarely wear a long sleeved shirt let alone another layer. I was not cold, though the weather is starting to be changeable, so it did not appear odd in the morning. Why the sweater? I had a limited choice of clothes to wear and did not like the way my clothes fit, felt and looked. I was trying to hide!

It reminded me of a former coworker, Edna. Edna was an older woman who had had a very hard life. While she worked with me, she became a US citizen (I think she was from Alberta, Canada, but I don't remember now). We became friends and often had dinner together. She always wore a huge pink coat. At the end of the year, she quit and left the state. Only after she died a couple of years later did we learn that she quit because she was diagnosed with MS. She had moved to Montana and cut off contact with everyone who'd known her before. Only after her funeral did I learn that she wore that pink coat because she felt so badly about how she looked. She was not FAT, but she was a tall, big boned woman who did have some weight to lose. She probably would have been surprised to learn that I probably weighed more than she did. I am really short, but I weigh a lot more than most people could guess.

So I thought of Edna and how sad I felt when I learned all this about her too late to try to make her feel better!

There are lots of swirling thoughts about Mother, but I am not ready to explore those today. Her birthday is next month, so that makes the swirling thoughts come up...

It has been a long time since I have consciously dressed to hide...sad!

I remembered to wear my earplugs last night and that made such a difference. I did not sleep longer, but I did sleep more deepl


Today: work is even more crazy than yesterday. I had no energy to put in any overtime, though I have the work and need the money. Both heels are very sore, so I decided to come home and rest. On balance, I am not sure I accomplished a lot, but I was busy all day.

Today was our Toastmaster meeting and I was the General Evaluator. In this role, I give feedback to the Toastmaster of the Day, the speech evaluators and some general observations of the meeting. I was much more relaxed than usual, though I did have moments of nervousness. I was able to move around, add some vocal variety, body language and humor. My speeches don't go that smoothly some times! I really enjoyed the role for the first time ever! Our district humorous speech and evaluator contests are both next week. I am our club's entrant for the evaluation contest - a first for me.

It was an interesting day in that I handled a lot of different things - tax certificates, renewing authority to do business, some revenue contracts (I am being cross trained and the lady who handles them was off today so it was a chance for me to go solo and see how far I get), prepared a couple of spreadsheets for my boss. I had a meeting with the director of the meeting planners group and she has asked me to make a presentation to her team early next year.

At the end of the day, a coworker asked me to notarize something for her. It was a document in another language, so I called the hotline to make sure I can legally notarize it. The answer was that I may do the notarization, but it's risky because my lack of literacy in this language means it could be fraud. The other thing I had to do was attach the California All Purpose Acknowledgment. This was the first time I'd called the hotline and, while I did not learn anything, it did confirm what I thought. I did the notarization and she was so thrilled! She was so grateful! I explained that her being able to have that done at work and at no cost is one of her perks for being an employee. She still wants to buy me lunch next week because she did not have to leave the office to get it done! I know her only because we are both in the Toastmaster club. She is a nuclear scientist and our paths would not otherwise cross. I love her effervescent personality and was honored to fulfill her request. NOTE: I would not have done this particular notarization if she were not a coworker. I am pretty risk averse. The company carries Error and Omissions insurance on my notarizations, but I have no insurance beyond that. That is why I don't advertise my commission nor do notarial acts outside of work unless there is something really unique about the situation. I love doing personal notarizations for my coworkers because we talk about what is going on and I get to know them a little better than I would in any other way. Most of the time, it's associated with a happy event such as buying a house, so those are fun conversations!

Over the weekend, after having had the carb binge, I started looking for reasonably sized containers for my lunches so that I could have measured amounts of food more easily. Everyone carries these jumbo containers! 2.5 cup size was about the smallest I found! No wonder everyone is so heavy! Talk about portion distortion! I ended up ordering some online. Not SP, unfortunately. SP products are too expensive. I received an email this evening saying the order has shipped. I am looking forward to receiving and using the containers! I suppose spending the money on something for ME was a counter measure to all of the negative thinking, though I did not recognize it as such at the time.

This was a first! I did so many exercises today, I lost track! Not a lot of any of them, but I took full advantage of the elevator, the time waiting for the microwave and Achilles tendon stretching waiting for the elevator. I also ended the day with just a few steps under 10K!

I changed my breakfast. I had half as much cereal and added imitation crabmeat as a protein along side. I got hungry for lunch earlier than normal, but I walked past the pretzels. I walked past the homemade coffee cake TWICE!

Thank you
for your feed and blog comments! I will be rereading those notes as I work myself out of this valley!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROX2013 9/25/2010 12:06AM

    You sound so busy but it least you have a great variety to do daily. I have started making sure I have my carbs and extra protein in the morning now. I am trying to eat most of my carbs by 2 pm it is suppose to help you sleep better. I read this in the new Shape magazine and it was an interesting article. So figured I would try it. The weather here is getting a little crazy. Drove up to Ky today with my niece and her daughter to go to the ceramic mold company the drive was about 8 hours round trip and we spent some time at the factory seeing how the molds are made and stopped for dinner. It was a long day but fun way to spend my birthday! I did resist the snacks and sweets today but we had dinner at Cracker Barrel and I had fried apples for one of my sides. (I did resist the Cola Cake). Have a great weekend!

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CARRAND 9/23/2010 11:59PM

    Walking past the snacks is a real achievement! Your work sounds so interesting and it certainly keeps you busy. I hope you have a great weekend.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 9/23/2010 7:21PM

  Way to go on walking past the temptations that are around you (ie. homemade coffee cake etc). I have hidden in my clothes too... even since losing the weight I have. Sounds like you had such a busy busy day.

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LIBBYFITZ 9/23/2010 3:34PM

    Glad to see that things are slowly improving for you. Hiding yourself in clothing is something we all do on occasion.

your blog reminded me of my darling daughter. She hid under a big bright yellow sweater when she was a teenager. I did not say anything as I try not to be critical. That was something both my parents are very good at!

Anyway now when she sees the photos of herself in this particular top, she tells me off, in a nice way, "mum!, how could you have let me wear that!"

So just say to yourself, "OK I am wearing this today, but it is not going to become the regular piece of clothing I wear!"

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JHADZHIA 9/23/2010 10:57AM

    Sorry about your heel pain :(( Understand about your Mom's memories coming up because her birthday is looming. You have so very much on your plate with your work, and yet you still find time to do toastmasters (and do it well no less), its just amazing! Its a shame about Edna, dying and alone :(( I can see that future for me if my Mom goes before I do. I don't believe she will as I have had too many health problems not to get a big one that will finally get me.
That you had time with Edna was wonderful, she probably really appreciated it.
Just once, I would love to hear you having a normal day!!
Here is hoping your first day of fall has some light at the end of the tunnel!

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JAKEANDNELLIE 9/22/2010 11:46PM

    It sounds like you had a very busy and productive day! I'm impressed by how much you do on a daily basis, and at the variety of things you do!
I'm working hard to get my mindset back where it was a few months ago. How do we allow ourselves to fall into these places anyway?
Stay positive - you'll reach your goals!

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I Hardly Know What to Say

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

All day long, I have been composing a blog in my head. I used to blog every day, but have now fallen into an old lifestyle habit. My family knows when I go silent that things are not going well. So it is now. I don't have the energy to type it all out now.

Suffice to say I have rediscovered food as a bandaid of consolation. That begets the whole cycle of eating to punish me for eating in the first place. The few good choices I have made this week were when I had the thought front and center that I was making a good choice for that wounded little girl inside.

I am completely overwhelmed at work and, the worse it gets, I perform less so it makes things even worse. UGH! This is not me!

Today, I had my weekly meeting with my supervising attorney. She chewed me out (followed by an apology) because I had not followed through on something to its' logical conclusion. This is the 3rd time with her when I have presented partial work. Yesterday I asked my boss a question that, had I thought about it, I would not have asked. He said, "Well, let's think about that..." and I immediately wanted to get away. My supervising attorney said she knows I can do the work, but I keep failing and she finds it "interesting".

I am mentally tired. I am emotionally fragile. I am so beaten down, I don't have the energy to turn things around.

There's a lot more I could say, but......I don't have the energy and y'all don't need to hear a pity party (not going there).

Thanks to all who have commented on my feeds, touched my page and my increasingly infrequent blogs. YOU are treasures!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROX2013 9/24/2010 11:56PM

    Never worry about letting out your feelings. I know you are frustrated with yourself and I understand the eating to punish yourself. But you worth it and you can do it!!! My prayers are with you.

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MYSTERY4EVER 9/23/2010 1:57PM

    Don't apologize for "letting it out" on your blog. This is your place to do just that. I can't offer any words of advice except to try to break the problems down into little tasks. Good luck.

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TIBURONA 9/22/2010 11:10PM

    Sounds like me when I was depressed and sick with diabetes in grad school. Don't try to juggle too much at once. Let the things that can go, go. Perhaps, if you can, you should take a rejuvenation break. You are probably stalling because there is too much going on in the major interconnected aspects of your life - I'VE BEEN THERE!

Practice some self forgiveness and don't drag around your co-workers assessments of y0ur performance at work as a reflection of your talent, ability or worth as a person. You are still the able and unique person they hired at your core and you can rebound given a fair chance to do so.

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LIBBYFITZ 9/22/2010 8:41AM

    emoticon emoticonThinking of you.

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BAILEE_GRAVES 9/22/2010 8:41AM

    I haven't followed your blogs but am so sorry to read about your trials. It sounds like you're having a very tough time. I just wondered if you've ever had your thyroid checked? I suffer from hypothyroidism and reading the above blog; the fatigue; the mental exhuastion; the difficulty following through; are all symptoms I suffer with as a result of my thyroid. And it can fluctuate from month to month. I've been battling the disease for almost 10 years now and the drs have a very difficult time getting it under control. The problem with the illness that a lot of people don't know is that even when the bloodwork shows "normal" numbers....the symptoms can linger for up to 6 months.

So if it's not something you've looked into, I would encourage you to ask your dr about doing a thyroid test. It's not one they routinely do.

I hope things get better for you and you find the strength and peace you need to get through each day. And try to remember that....one day at a time.


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CHAOTIC-KITTY 9/22/2010 8:14AM

  (( hugs ))

I am sad to hear that you're going through all the things you're going through right now. You need to take care of yourself and make sure you are getting enough sleep.

Thanks for sharing how you are feeling.

Hoping things get better soon. You're in my prayers & thoughts.


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KAELIE 9/22/2010 7:34AM

  I've been struggling with many of the same things. It's so frustrating, which just makes the whole situation worse (stressing over the stress?!?). I'm glad you shared this, because it always seems easier to support another person than it is oneself - basically the things I was thinking of to share with you are things I need to hear myself. Make sure you are getting enough rest. Make sure you are taking some time every day just to "be" and not worry - exercising always gets my mind off of all of the stress of the day - I never regret it once I start - even though it is *really* hard to get started lately (and try something new - diversionary tactic, but it helps to remove focus from the self-critical thoughts). Be kind to yourself - the fact that you realize you are succumbing to past habits is a success in and of itself - you are mindful - and that's a long way from where most of us started - instead of beating yourself up (which I do myself) - don't forget where you have come from and remember that this journey is long, and we will all have bumps along the way.

I'm sending happy and calming thoughts your way. For work - think of the saying "how do you eat an elephant? - one bite at a time". I know you have many projects - schedule out bits of time during your day for each of them - and when the time runs out, move on to the next one (it's the only way I keep some semblance of sanity and forward movement on multiple projects). Again, thanks for sharing - I needed to think about these very things today. It is a new day :)


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EMPTYNESTER60 9/22/2010 7:04AM

    Sorry to hear that things are not going well at work or other places in your life. I understand the going silent phase but please stay in touch with all of your SparkFriends so we can offer you the emoticon and emoticon that you need. You are important to us and we know you can get through this. Look at all you have accomplished -- focus on that and take one day at a time to get yourself back on track. I have faith in you - have faith in yourself.
emoticon emoticon

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JHADZHIA 9/22/2010 12:46AM

    So sorry you are getting bogged down at work :(( Its more important then ever to try take good care of yourself, by getting a good night's sleep, and eating a healthy, well rounded robust breakfast to give you good energy to get through your frightful day..Make sure you are prioritizing -getting the most important work done first and completely. Don't be afraid to say you are having a hard time keeping up and any suggestions would be welcome..If they don't know there is a problem, they will just assume you can't handle it..Wishing you all the best with it.
emoticon emoticon

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JAVALOVERTOO 9/21/2010 11:55PM

    I wish I have words of wisdom for you but all I have is a emoticon I'm tired too and slipping too. For me it's my husband's job and then it leads to other smaller things, like no one says hi when I come home from school... well at least the dogs are happy to see me.

Here's praying that both of us see the light at the end of a very short tunnel. We can do this! We've done it before!!!

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CASSIOEPIA 9/21/2010 11:55PM

    I'm so sorry you are going through a rough patch right now. Try to get a little bit extra sleep to get you through.

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US Constitution Day!

Friday, September 17, 2010

09/17/1789 - the day the US Constitution was signed! That was the highlight of the day.

I have felt lousy most of this week and have been inhaling carbs in an effort to make me feel better. I don't think I will weigh tomorrow...

My tendon is very, very sore.

I hope to take a nice long walk on the baylands tomorrow. We shall see. This is a week that is a setback, but it is not a defeat.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 9/18/2010 9:56AM

    emoticonAs long as they are healthy carbs................lol emoticon

Sorry about the tendon, maybe do some upper body exercises while it is sore. emoticon

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JHADZHIA 9/18/2010 1:18AM

    Maybe you have to look at alternate forms of exercise while this tendon remains a problem. Nothing like water jogging -no impact, good workout. Just put on a flotation device and go to the deep end of a pool -no pressure on the tendon, but a full body workout -you can do jumping jacks and crosscountry ski, all kinds of things. I love my pool workouts -consider them a break from all the ground pounding I do.
I hope things get better for you and you get some rest this weekend.
emoticon emoticon

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MISSY455 9/18/2010 1:05AM

    I hope you get to take your walk tomorrow if for nothing else but enjoyment. The week is basically done, which means a new one is around the corner!

Sending good thoughts your way that this next week is better for you!

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JOFOR15 9/17/2010 11:11PM

Good for you to just let it go & keep going forward!

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HAPPYMOM8 9/17/2010 10:44PM

    Have you seen the video of Barney Fife trying to recite the signers of the Constitution? cute.
But a good thing for all of us to appreciate!!

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All Hands Meeting With New CEO and Picnic Munchies

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Today was the first All Hands meeting with our new CEO. I usually sit in the front of the room so I can hear and see. But I knew everyone would expect me to do so and I wanted to send a message that the change of CEO is not something I take lightly, so I sat near the back of the room.

I'm going to reserve judgment for a while - see how things play out. I won't allow myself to get caught up in the rumor mill or the speculation about what everything he says or does not say. At least not outwardly!

There is still a ton of snack food from the picnic. I hit up the pretzels again even though I know the salt will be an issue. And more...ACK! I need to get a grip on this. Halloween is coming, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming. I sit and work with two groups that are always bringing food in.

Surprisingly, I got in almost 9K steps today! It was a gloriously perfect day today!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POORGIRL_DIET 9/16/2010 1:54AM

    Blimey woman you done alot of walking today, well done you!! I think you and I know that you don't need those snacks. In case of emergency always have something of low fat variety snacks with you so you wont indulge. I always carry a handful of raisins of some walnuts in my bag. They are great for energy. But it looks like you dont need anymore energy after all of that walking. GO YOU!!

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CARRAND 9/15/2010 8:41PM

    You must have an active job to get that many steps! I know what you mean about the snacks at work. I keep a candy jar in my office for my employees and then get into it myself.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 9/15/2010 6:52PM

  Congrats on getting 9k steps into the day. :)

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LIBBYFITZ 9/15/2010 4:32PM

    That must be so hard with all that food constantly coming in!................You could tell a white lie and say you are diabetic............ emoticon

Good luck with everything else! emoticon

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EAGLE101 9/15/2010 5:13AM

    Sounds like a good plan. Both staying neutral and bringing your own snacks.


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JHADZHIA 9/15/2010 1:35AM

    Wonderful!! No tendon problems, I assume? That would make it perfect!!
You are a strong woman. You can ignore those snacks. Just make sure you bring your own healthy snacks so you have something to enjoy yourself.
You can do this!
Its always good to be thought of a neutral. No fuss, no muss. Everyone sees me that way at the bridge club as I don't socialize with any members. So the factions at the club can't say I am in one group or the other. The perfect choice for a club manager!
Hope you have a good sleep!

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Executive Reorganization and Picnic Snacks

Monday, September 13, 2010

Our new CEO started the week with an over-the-weekend email. He has promoted one VP to take his old position, created a new VP position and moved some departments to now report to a different VP. My take away is that he wants to hit the ground running (a good thing) and that this may be the first of a series of changes (a good thing IF I don't get laid off!).

He held meetings in Charlotte and Knoxville today and will hold his California "All Hands" meeting tomorrow. Everything is up in the air.

Late in the afternoon, the picnic committee put out the candy, chips, cookies and other snacks out. I grabbed a handful of pretzel bits, but skipped the oh-so-tempting chocolate chip cookies! Thinking about them makes me hungry!

I got in 7636 steps but am still feeling the after effects of the concussion, so I did not push it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSY455 9/13/2010 9:55PM

    emoticon The cookies are never as good as the extra calories you have to burn to get them off your hips! You are doing awesome!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 9/13/2010 9:51PM

  That's great that you didn't push yourself and that you're listening to your body. Congrats on staying away from the cookies.

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LIBBYFITZ 9/13/2010 9:23PM

    emoticonHope in amongst all that re jigging you keep yor job! emoticon

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