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The Kitten Will Not Be Coming Home With Me

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I did not feel great today, just run down. I slept a ton, have a slight sore throat as if I am fighting something...We had errands to do. We pulled into the Costco parking lot and I saw a sign that the pet food store was hosting cat adoptions. When I saw it was Safe Haven, I had to go in and see them. It was from them that I got my beloved Juneau, my now four-year-old Maine Coon. The lady with the kittens was the same one who had given me Juneau. I was so happy to have the chance to tell her how wonderfully she has turned out!

There were 5 kittens there. Two were white with orange spots, two were white with black spots and one was solid grey. The solid grey looked like my Russian Blue that died almost 2 years ago. I had Bug for over 20 years and still miss him! Were I not about to get this tiny kitten, I would have snapped up this grey one!

While we were driving, my cellphone rang. I let BF answer it. It was the lady with the kitten (I have dealt mostly with her BF). She told him that she wanted to do a home inspection, which had not come up previously.

I called her back when I got home and told her I had two reasons why this was beyond my comfort level. I've never had to do a home inspection before for any other adoption (I know that it is common for fostering pets) and I also have a phobia/anxiety disorder about my home. Just the thought of having someone come over is enough for me to get physically ill. I am not exaggerating. Stacey seemed to ridicule that or maybe she did not believe me. She was unwilling to waive the home visit and I was unwilling to go through with it. Even writing about it has me feeling ill. The thing about phobias or anxiety disorders is that, if someone tells you they have one, they are being terribly honest! It is not something I have ever talked about to anyone, even my family. Driving home, knowing I was going to have to tell her, I started thinking about my Mother.

Mother is agoraphobic. She does not like to leave the house and that's an understatement. I had never admitted to myself that my thing about not having people over was anything like her completely debilitating, life-defining fear.

My heart is broken! But, as people have told me on Facebook, another cat that needs a home will cross my path. Still, it's hard to let go of this tiny baby who won my heart.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIBURONA 8/23/2010 5:37PM

    Think about a letter to Safe Haven about your experience, especially since you have a good track record as a caring kitty parent.

Privacy and comfort issues are important and they should be reminded of this. Perhaps you could suggest they accept pictures of homes, the cats and where s/he hangs out, eats, etc... and show them veterinary records to to ease their minds. They are in existence to help cats find good homes, right?

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JAKEANDNELLIE 8/23/2010 10:58AM

    A new kitten will find you - and it will be the one you are meant to love!

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RIPPEDPAUL1 8/23/2010 7:28AM

    While I understand both sides of the issue, I'm sorry that it didn't work out for you and I agree another opportunity will come along. Take this disappointment as another tool to encourage to challenge the obstacles you face at your own comfort level emoticon

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JHADZHIA 8/22/2010 11:37PM

    So sorry this happened. I had met someone who would never let anyone come into his home, not even his girlfriend! It was unusual, but you have to respect a person's privacy and wishes. Just one thought -what about that grey kitten at Costco? Is it too late to adopt it?

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CARRAND 8/22/2010 10:51PM

    Anxieties are difficult. People who don't have them don't understand how debilitating they can be. She probably thought you were just making excuses. I wonder if she would have been satisfied with pictures of your yard and house and your other cats? Probably not.

But you will get another cat. There are a lot of kittens in the world needing a home.

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PANSYLADY2 8/22/2010 10:00PM

    It takes real courage to even entertain the idea that there might be an anxiety issue involved here. I pray you will get a kitty that will fill your desire.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/22/2010 9:45PM

  I'm sorry :( ... but your FB friends are right ... another kitty will cross your path.


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LIBBYFITZ 8/22/2010 9:44PM

    I don't think I would want a perfect stranger into my home! you were not meant to have this little kitty. Another will come you're way!xoxox emoticon

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CAREN_BLUEJEANS 8/22/2010 9:30PM

    emoticon Sending you a cyber-kitty to cheer you up.

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I Met My New Baby Today!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

As usual, I ended the day with too many calories. I have gotten into the bad habit of eating cookies to solve a sweet craving. Even when I ate without caring, I hardly ever had cookies, so I don't know why this has suddenly become a practice...

I drove to Albany today to meet my new kitten. That sentence does not adequately explain what a big deal that was. I learned to drive later, in my 30s, and have always been a bit of a nervous driver. My BF is an aggressive driver and being his passenger gave me enough fear that I have something akin to anxiety attacks when I am driving in unfamiliar situations. Thus, I rarely deviate from my usual routes. To drive across the Bay to a town I've never been, even with really good, clear directions, was a big deal.

At one point, he accidently turned the radio up to blast. I thought he was teasing me and I screamed at him and stopped the car. We had already missed the exit off the freeway and were wandering around some side streets. I was a bit scared because I had no idea where we were and, from his comments, I did not think he was sure. His dad had an upholstery shop in the area, but that was 20-30 years ago and all the landmarks have changed. When I realized he was not teasing me, I felt badly for screaming. He does not begin to understand the anxiety that borders on panic.

Anyway, we found the house. The neighborhood is full of post WWII homes, very tiny and very cute. Joel met us and was glad for the company. We met Millie, his 15 year old dog. I have no idea what kind of dog she is, but she is a much smaller dog than I guessed from the pictures.

Then we met Ruby. She is absolutely tiny! She's about 6 weeks old and absolutely adorable. I brought a disposable camera and took about 5 or 6 pictures. I will have to take more to finish the camera and get them developed. At one point, she was hanging off of Joel's crossed foot as if she were dangling from a tree branch. She had the strength to climb up and stand on his foot. There was plenty of real estate left! She is very tiny! I am enchanted!

She gets her first series of shots Thursday and her leukemia bloodtest. Assuming she does not test positive, I will repeat the scary drive on Saturday the 28th and bring her home.

The traffic in the East Bay is amazing. Even on Saturday afternoon, it's very heavy, as if it were a work-a-day commute! I give thanks that I don't have to deal with that regularly. In truth, I would get used to it, but I prefer not to!

We anticipate that Cilantro will not like Ruby and we know that we will have to supervise at all times for a couple of weeks. Juneau has been the baby, so we have no idea how she will react, but she is a gentle giant. We will, of course, supervise her also...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAKEANDNELLIE 8/23/2010 9:28AM

    Ruby is getting a great home with you. I'm actually thinking of getting another cat. My brother and sister-in-law took in a stray that had kittens. I don't know how my Nellie would adapt - she's 13 and very aggressive. I took her brother Jake to the vets the other day and she wouldn't let him in the same room as her for the following two days! She has every dog in my family living in terror of visiting my home (and one of my brothers, also!). I probably will just help find a good home for the one kitten left instead of taking him.

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ALESHABEE 8/22/2010 8:33PM

    Awwww.... emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/22/2010 8:21PM

    Getting a baby kitten is absolutely the best, most magical feeling. It is so awesome. Yeah, Ruby!


Yeah you :)

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JHADZHIA 8/22/2010 3:15PM

    That is so nice you are getting a sweet addition to your family. Is there any chance you can arrange to pick kitty up on a day when the traffic is not busy (if there is such a day??) or go at a time when the traffic is the slowest? I always find Sunday mornings to be dead here. I can sympathize being a newer driver in such a big, busy city.

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MISSY455 8/22/2010 12:09PM

    I am so glad things are working out for you to get the kitten. Your older cats may not appreciate the kitty's energy at first, but they usually adapt well.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/22/2010 8:45AM

  Aww... so happy that you will soon have kitty home with you. :)

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    I am excited for you! To get a new kitten. I love kittens.

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CARRAND 8/21/2010 11:56PM

    I'm so excited for you about the kitten. She sounds adorable. I understand about the driving anxiety. If I know where I'm going, I'm fine, but in an unfamiliar place I get really nervous about driving. My husband seems to have a built in compass so he always knows where he is going, but I get lost easily in a strange area.

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Sally Sue Anderson is Rockin' Out in Heaven Tonight! :(

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I worked a long day today, longer than I intended, but it's Friday. I had a meeting with my supervising attorney and it went well. I still make rookie mistakes, but she likes the bulk of my work. Work is about to get very, very busy.

I got in over 8K steps, but I still ate too much. Too many carbs...

Tomorrow I get to go visit my new kitten. I can't take her home yet because the vet says she's too young for the first series of shots and, because I have cats, she can't be near them yet. Her caregiver is going to take her to the vet about midweek for those shots and the FIV blood test. Apparently, it takes only a few minutes to read the blood test. If she is clear with that, I get to pick her up on the 28th. She is nearly an hour away over in the East Bay, an area I don't know at all. BF is going with me, but I will still be a nervous driver. (BF can't drive because he does not have a valid license). I am a good driver when I am in familiar surroundings, but am a nervous driver otherwise.

A friend sent me a post on Facebook that struck me like lightning. My longtime friend, former boss and former coworker Sally Anderson died today. She was diabetic, battling weight and heart issues, but had been doing much better since she'd retired (at least that's what I heard). She retired and moved to Colorado and we had only recently reconnected via FB.

I have known Sally for more than 20 years. Long enough that her son was a coworker for a short time! My heart breaks for her husband and son...We all will miss her zest for life, her infectious laugh, her sharp wit. She had a love for God and music and I know she's dancing in heaven tonight. Rest in Peace, beloved Sally! If God wills it, we'll meet in heaven.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 8/22/2010 3:11PM

    So sorry for your loss :((
emoticon emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/22/2010 8:35AM

  Sorry for your loss. *big hug*

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SUGARBABY60 8/21/2010 5:03AM

    so sorry for your loss, my condolences

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LIBBYFITZ 8/21/2010 4:00AM


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PRAIRIECROCUS 8/21/2010 1:54AM

    I am sorry to hear of your loss !
My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.

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ALLBW2U 8/21/2010 1:24AM

    I know what you are going through right now. My friend of over 30 years and co-worker for over 20 years, passed away this week after battling brain tumors and cancer for the last couple of years. He was a testimony to God's goodness and it hurts knowing that he is now gone from here. But he was ready to go Home and see his Heavenly Father....it is just that we were not ready for him to leave yet!

I am convinced that my friend, Barry, is praising the Lord, dancing and singing in Heaven. And one day I will see him again.

I will pray that the Lord will give you peace, rest and understanding during this time. And I will pray for Sally's family....that they will be comforted, encouraged and strengthened during this time of loss.

Best wishes always.....Bill


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The Old Truth is That it Would Be Easier if We Did Not Have to Eat!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What a rough week! Not because anything sad or bad has happened, but I can't seem to find my food equilibrium. I'm almost back to eating whatever and whenever and how much ever....UGH!

It started with the migraine nausea and eating carbs to try to solve the nausea. Now it's just me making poor choices and not caring. Or at least saying I don't care. Stepping on the scale is not going to be fun.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 8/22/2010 3:09PM

    Great advice from everyone here. You have been derailed, time to get back to it, one slow step at a time. Buy and put healthy foods where you have to eat them, get rid of any junk, the usual stop gap measures. With losing Sally Sue, you will down even more so its even more important not to give up now.
You can do this, you have it within you!

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ARCHIMEDESII 8/20/2010 9:36AM

    Hang in there ! Remember, you have to EAT to be healthy !! Don't try to be perfect. You do the best you can. It's all about making as many healthy choices as possible. Eat a few extra servings of leafy green veggies. Drink plenty of water. Have a piece of fruit for a snack.

You don't have to be perfect to be healthy. And my advice, don't step on the scale if you're going to tie your emotions to that number that stares at you from between your toes. Remember, there really is more to your good health than what the scale says.

So... no more beatings... the beatings must stop. they aren't productive. If you want to be productive, do your best to do something healthy today. take a walk at lunch !! That's productive. Self flaggelation is not.


-- karen

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LIBBYFITZ 8/20/2010 8:41AM

    Don't step on the scale! We are there for you, eat well today, every meal is a new meal! emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/20/2010 7:18AM

  Totally agree with CMRAND54 on this one. I think you are looking at the entire picture and going into panic mode. Just try to breathe ... try not to stress out so much about it. If you fall off with one meal... try to do a little bit better the next.

Good luck... I know you can do it!


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CARRAND 8/19/2010 11:36PM

    Just take it one meal at a time. Instead of focusing on calories, try to get lots of fruits and vegetables and fiber. That will help you feel full. Think about what you can eat instead of what you can't eat.

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The Spectrum of Today

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Another day of too many calories...UGH!
Over 7K steps and 8 glasses of water - progress

I did not get to take a walk at lunch today. That was because today was the at-work Toastmaster club meeting. This meeting was the Evaluation Contest. I entered the contest partly impusively and partly because this is a skill I wish to strengthen.

There were four contestants, which I did not know until the meeting started. One is Jean-Francois with a lovely French accent. Another is Erfan and I think he is from Iraq and the other is Bryan from Santa Cruz, California! All coworkers.

The test speaker was a visitor, someone none of us knew. He is the local Area Governor for Toastmasters. We all had to evaluate the same speech. We were given 5 minutes after the speech to write our comments and then, one by one, give our evaluation. The rest of the members voted to determine the winner.
I was picked first to go, which made me nervous.

Erfan's evaluation was very technical and he criticized some of the content. Bryan's was his usual effervescent style, but he lost track of what he was saying towards the end and repeated himself. Jean-Francois' evaluation covered content and delivery. I thought his was great!

But the audience voted for me! I have never won a club level contest. I was absolutely stunned! I have asked the Education VP if I may do speech evaluations between now and the Area contest. (It has not been set up yet, or at least not communicated to my club.)

Last month, I helped our senior attorney with production of documents in response to a subpoena. That was really a fun project! Today, I came in to find a box on my desk, addressed to me, from somewhere in Texas. I did not recognize the address or the sender but assumed it was the requesting attorney returning some of the paperwork. The attorney asked me to PDF something to the requestor, so, knowing she was coming to my desk, I thought I'd better open the box. Turns out it was not papers but pecan pie! The attorney in TX had sent two pecan pies to thank us for our work! Wow!

That presented a bit of a problem because I work for a nonprofit corporation and we are not allowed to accept anything over a nominal amount. So Norma reported the gift to our ethics officer. Because it's a perishable item, the company will put the monetary value of the gift into a special fund. Then Norma and I distributed the pies, one to the Finance Department (same floor as our offices) and to the Legal Department (our "home" department). The pies were gone in no time. There was one piece left and I had that tonight, sharing it with BF. I went to college in Arkansas and have been to a few other places in the South. This was the best pecan pie I have ever had in my life! I did not care what that did to my calorie count!

I need to break this "I don't care" cycle!

This afternoon was nearly consumed with a training session. I am learning how to create the financial records in our database for our contracts. The idea is that I will take over doing the government orders so that the other two people can focus on the other orders. What will happen is I will get drafted to help them at the end of the year because they will be busy and...I feel the avalanche coming. My trainer is my friend Yvonne. She is really looking forward to having me cover her desk, but she is also in a horrible mood right now, so that makes the training less than optimal...Ugh...

I still have the headache, but today was a lot better than yesterday!

The day ended on a nice note. A few weeks ago, when I was busy with the tribute page for Ruby, I learned that FB took the first one down because I used my primary email address to create it. FB takes down a second page with the same email address because they see it as a duplicate. We did a workaround and created a new tribute page with a different email address. I posted that solution on a message board. To my surprise, several people posted notes of appreciation afterwards. One was a lady whose sister had died suddenly. I replied to her post thanking her for the comment, but also expressing my condolences for her loss.
Her response? She friended me! How cool is that!

I emailed Ruby's widower and shared how our experience with her page is making other people have an easier time setting up their tribute pages. In some way, it seems fitting...

The countdown to my new kitten has begun! This kitten is named Ruby in honor of my friend.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 8/19/2010 2:29PM

    emoticon on winning the Toastmasters contest - and good for you for evaluating fairly and comprehensively. I'm so glad that your kitty, Ruby, is on her way home soon, and I hope your headache goes away completely today. You are doing great, just keep moving forward!

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KCLARK1355 8/19/2010 11:31AM

    How wonderful that you won that contest! I'd love to become more comfortable with public speaking! Way to go!

How long do you have to wait to bring home Ruby? Kitties are so sweet - love their curiousity!

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LIBBYFITZ 8/19/2010 10:49AM

    I am so pleased about the contest. Fantastic. Work is sounding very interesting! Bet you can't wait to get you're Ruby, what a beautiful name. emoticon

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