Monday, August 16, 2010
Today was a much better day. I stayed on track with food and water. I took a short walk. My lower back started hurting during the walk and I know that's because of the weight I gained. In the last 3 weeks, I've gained 5 pounds....
I took a nap in the afternoon and feel rested for the first time in eons.
I also remembered that not taking care of that little girl inside is how I forgot to be watchful. I was so focused on the pain and fatigue that I had no energy for anything else...
It would take pages to describe my fractured family tree, but suffice to say my parents divorced and each remarried, so I have half sisters on both sides and a half brother on Dad's side. My full sibling died when we were teens. I talked to my youngest sister today (on Dad's side). I told her about my Mother's health and touched a little on the swirling emotions this touches off for me. She had never thought that I would have the feelings of emptiness surrounding my Mother. Her mother is my stepmother and she has always been good to me.
My food issues are all inter-related with all the other issues I had with Mother. There are so many levels of sorrow around this relationship. I missed knowing my other sisters as young girls, as women. I have missed out on the lives of their children. In my mind, Mother is still in her early 30s, a strong woman. It is hard to reconcile that with how she must be now. In her 70s and in ill health. I am grieved that our relationship was never able to be mended (her choice). There have always been empty spots in my heart, but that would have been true either way.
I am so glad I got to live with Dad, to be close to my youngest siblings, but the other side of that coin is the void left in not knowing my four sisters, sharing in their lives, rejoicing and grieving with them, welcoming that next generation.
Obviously, the news of Mother's ill health has stirred up a lot. It will take me a while to process this. I don't expect to hear until after the fact when she does die. There probably will not be a service and I won't know about it until afterwards so that, if I am wrong and there is a service, the family can mourn without worrying about whether or not I would appear and make a scene. How little they know me if that is the fear! This is what happened with my gramma and my aunt (Mother's younger sister) died. There are, of course, other issues...
On a positive note - it sounds more and more likely that I will get that adorable kitten who really needs a forever home. She has not completely mastered the cat box or drinking water, but she is just about 6 weeks old, and, from what I have read, she will pick this up. It will help that Juneau will be here to show her.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I have been off track most of this week. Over in food, under in exercise...I have not really cared, but I will tomorrow when I step on the scale. I never even left the house today.
But I am not going to beat myself up about it. I will continue on, just realizing that my end result is going to take so much longer than I thought it would when I started and longer because of these weeks.
Yesterday's challenge on one of my teams was to name 5 good things about me. I came up with two and gave up. Pretty pathetic! Today's challenge was to do a blog. Normally, I don't blog if nothing constructive is going on, but between the challenge and a comment from a sparkfriend that sharing the rough spots is part of the journey made me do this tonight.
I have many relatives I've never met. Most are nieces and nephews. I have not seen most of my sisters since they were in grade school and younger. Thanks to Facebook, I saw a picture of one sister yesterday. I stared at it for a long time. She is beautiful, has a gorgeous smile and does not have the weight issues I do. The pictures were from their family trip to Costa Rica. Her daughters, my nieces, are also gorgeous.
Moments ago, I was on FB with another sister. We have been in sporadic touch through the years, but nothing in depth. I learned tonight that my mother spends a lot of time in bed and is apparently in a lot of pain. Sister did not say what's wrong, only that Mother is very private. I've always known that. I do not have a relationship with my mother by her choice. Even so, it grieves me that she is in pain. I can surmise some of the reasons for her pain, but it would all be speculation.
I have to stop reaching for the carbs. I have to start moving again, figuring out how to do so without pain. I have to make me important.
One of my Sparkfriends, Chaotickitty, has reached her halfway goal and I am so proud of her! She reminds me that I can do this, even though it all seems less than possible right now...
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Yvonne, my coworker and friend, has been holding out on me.
She knows I am reeling from Ruby's death and the other deaths that have occurred recently (yesterday's blog).
We are both cat lovers so she has heard me say that Juneau needs a kitten. Juneau will be 4 on Friday and is a small Maine Coon full of play and love. Cilantro is our tiny, tiny 15 year old cat who would prefer never to move. She is cantakerous, loving, grouchy and aloof.
Yvonne's massage therapist rescued a kitten that was hours old.
They cannot keep her because their older dog doesn't want anything to do with this little ball of energy.
A week or so ago, we bought a $5 full length mirror at Home Depot. Since we bought it, Juneau has been camping out by it. When we first got it, she looked everywhere for the new kitten, crying the whole time. Cute and heart breaking.
If we get this little girl, I will name her Ruby in honor of my wonderful friend who also opened her home and heart to cats.
Today was a day in much better balance. I am discovering that I can walk a lot, but not much at any one time. In an effort to keep the tendonitis at bay, I take lots of short walks. Over 8K steps today!
In the middle of the morning, I went to the kitchen to refill my water bottle and found some doughnuts on the counter. On top of one of the microwaves was some garden bounty including a huge zucchini. I looked at the doughnuts and talked myself out of them and grabbed that huge zucchini. That felt good and right!
I worked some overtime today and, as the day was winding down, I went back to the kitchen to get more water and saw a pizza box. There had been a meeting with food and the leftovers were for the taking. Good thing they had been taken!
Called in for jury duty. No excuse. I am on call tomorrow.
I was on target all day until the evening. We had an excellent dinner of mixed veggies and a dish called "Santa Fe Salmon". Very flavorful, but I wanted something sweet afterwards. The Oreos!
I need to do more exercise, but I did do some. I had a conversation with a friend while standing on a slope and trying to keep my balance gave me a good leg workout! I did 60 wall calf raises while microwaving my lunch. I have never done that many at once and, by about 50, my legs were shaking a tad.
The company is doing another wellness challenge. Five fruits and veggies. I am doing a good job on that overall.
Not happy about the Oreo consumption. I don't normally have things like this around, but.......well, that's another story and it has to do with feelings of deprivation and my still somewhat unhealthy relationship with food.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Yesterday was such a fabulous day (see yesterday's blog if you missed it!).
Thanks, IXCHEL23, LNKSMOM & ISHIIGIRL for the Spark goodies. Your encouragement means a lot!
I came in to work to learn the sad news that a former coworker died late last week. We had emailed each other just a few months ago. I knew that he had changed status from fulltime employee to consultant, which is what a lot of the scientists do as a way to phase into retirement. I had asked him about something that went back several years and he responded that he was retired and referred me to someone else. I sent back a cheery email wishing him a long and happy retirement. Today I learned that he battled cancer for 2.5 years and I had no clue. He was originally from England and had the stereotypical courteous manner. He was a genuinely nice guy and I am very sad.
THEN BF called to tell me the news of the plane crash in Dillingham, Alaska. At first, the news was sketchy and sparse. While digesting that, I received a department email that another coworker's dad passed away this weekend (another coworker's dad died last week). Both dads passing reawakened that pain for me. It does not help that Dad's birthday was last week.
In the middle of the morning, I went to a very interesting tech event at work and...this is so hard to say...I ate 3 cookies during the meeting. It was almost as if I watched me do that. At the end of the meeting, I took four more and ate them when I saw the confirmation.
The confirmation was that several people on the plane died, including Senator Ted Stevens. My dad knew Ted Stevens. The Senator's career ended badly, but over the many years, he did a lot of good for the Land of the Midnight Sun and her citizens. Tragedy transcends politics.
I found myself churning at work, so I did not do any overtime. I came home. I will have to put in some long days to pick up the time and whether I can do that or not is predicated on jury duty selection. I have to call in tomorrow night to find out if I have to go all the way to the other end of the county Thursday morning. On top of that, my rear brakes are acting weird and I may be on the verge of another shingles outbreak. Time will tell.
I did get water in. I did get a walk in and above 7K steps. With the sad news about Chris, I was in touch with other former coworkers. My sister started teaching class today, so we were in touch early.
I did not do the dreaded project today, but I did knock out a handful of smaller items.
I pray for the survivors and families of the deceased and the first responders to the crash site....I am glad Chris' pain is over, and I pray for my coworkers who are mourning their dads.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Yesterday, I saw a message board comment where someone was talking about taking money from her swear jar to put towards her new smaller person wardrobe. Something clicked. I decided to adopt that for my use. I have a coffee can at work where I throw in change. I decided to "catch me doing something right." and throw in my change in a different container for doing something right every day. Small amounts, but I will have fun with this:
8 glasses of water a day - 8 pennies (something to do with them!)
5 fruits/veggies - nickel
10 minutes of walking - dime *
5 or 10 strength training exercises - nickel or dime*
a task at work that I don't want to do -
contacting a friend or family member -
doing a chore at home -
* I will increase these next week, tendonitis permitting
I have been flailing, struggling, even before Ruby's death. I just was not sure I could continue this voyage. I am not all the way back, but thanks to a sparkfriend who shared what she's doing, I have found a way to give myself dailly gratification, a way to rebuild my longer term commitment and, ultimately, a way to buy a piece or two of my smaller me wardrobe.
Frustrating that SparkPeople website crashed intermittently all day. I stayed within range nutritionally, despite feeling really hungry. I got the 8 glasses of water, 6 fruits and veggies. Only 2-3 strength training exercises, but that's more than I have done in about a month! I got in nearly 10K steps. It was a gorgeous day, not too hot, not too cold and my tendonitis threatened, but did not prevent my lunch time short walk. I looked for reasons to walk around at work and was surprised to see how many steps I took! Whee!
I had the midafternoon energy crash but I still got in 2 hours of OT and got a lot done. I did not get my least anticipated project taken care of, but I looked at it and thought up a game plan for tomorrow. As I said, I am not back, but I am on the way!
The money is more symbolic than anything else. I don't expect it will actually make a huge difference, but I like the almost immediate feedback.
Thank you, all, for comments, for Spark goodies, for emails, for your wonderful support! YOU ROCK!
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