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Mourning and Cookies

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Yesterday was such a fabulous day (see yesterday's blog if you missed it!).

Thanks, IXCHEL23, LNKSMOM & ISHIIGIRL for the Spark goodies. Your encouragement means a lot!

I came in to work to learn the sad news that a former coworker died late last week. We had emailed each other just a few months ago. I knew that he had changed status from fulltime employee to consultant, which is what a lot of the scientists do as a way to phase into retirement. I had asked him about something that went back several years and he responded that he was retired and referred me to someone else. I sent back a cheery email wishing him a long and happy retirement. Today I learned that he battled cancer for 2.5 years and I had no clue. He was originally from England and had the stereotypical courteous manner. He was a genuinely nice guy and I am very sad.

THEN BF called to tell me the news of the plane crash in Dillingham, Alaska. At first, the news was sketchy and sparse. While digesting that, I received a department email that another coworker's dad passed away this weekend (another coworker's dad died last week). Both dads passing reawakened that pain for me. It does not help that Dad's birthday was last week.

In the middle of the morning, I went to a very interesting tech event at work and...this is so hard to say...I ate 3 cookies during the meeting. It was almost as if I watched me do that. At the end of the meeting, I took four more and ate them when I saw the confirmation.

The confirmation was that several people on the plane died, including Senator Ted Stevens. My dad knew Ted Stevens. The Senator's career ended badly, but over the many years, he did a lot of good for the Land of the Midnight Sun and her citizens. Tragedy transcends politics.

I found myself churning at work, so I did not do any overtime. I came home. I will have to put in some long days to pick up the time and whether I can do that or not is predicated on jury duty selection. I have to call in tomorrow night to find out if I have to go all the way to the other end of the county Thursday morning. On top of that, my rear brakes are acting weird and I may be on the verge of another shingles outbreak. Time will tell.

I did get water in. I did get a walk in and above 7K steps. With the sad news about Chris, I was in touch with other former coworkers. My sister started teaching class today, so we were in touch early.

I did not do the dreaded project today, but I did knock out a handful of smaller items.

I pray for the survivors and families of the deceased and the first responders to the crash site....I am glad Chris' pain is over, and I pray for my coworkers who are mourning their dads.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGANC1988 8/11/2010 10:15AM

    emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/11/2010 8:24AM

  You are always in my thoughts.. and, prayers.

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LIBBYFITZ 8/11/2010 8:07AM

    emoticonMy thoughts are with you. So sad. emoticon

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JHADZHIA 8/10/2010 10:06PM

    You certainly have been on an emotional roller coaster ride :((( Its simply mind boggling the people you know dying so suddenly in so short of a time :((
Don't be too hard on yourself eating cookies, honestly, who wouldn't with your kind of stress and sorrow??
Please do get to a Dr. on that shingles right away. They can give you medicine to ward off the worst of it. When Mom was telling me her symptoms, I told her to get to a Dr. immediately, and it was a good thing as it went into her eye as well as hair, but was caught in time so that it didn't get worse. It was the first time she had had them. I knew the symptoms of it starting from other people I have met with it. That you might be getting them shows you are wearing yourself out and are run down. Do try to take care of yourself..
Hugs,
Linda

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CARRAND 8/10/2010 10:03PM

    Bad things come in threes they say. I'd say you've had that and more, so things should be looking up soon. Forget the cookies and move on. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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SWAMSER 8/10/2010 10:03PM

    be sure to allow yourself some stress relief, sorry for all the loss you feel

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A Sparkfriend Sparked Me! ("Catch me doing something right")

Monday, August 09, 2010

Yesterday, I saw a message board comment where someone was talking about taking money from her swear jar to put towards her new smaller person wardrobe. Something clicked. I decided to adopt that for my use. I have a coffee can at work where I throw in change. I decided to "catch me doing something right." and throw in my change in a different container for doing something right every day. Small amounts, but I will have fun with this:
8 glasses of water a day - 8 pennies (something to do with them!)
5 fruits/veggies - nickel
10 minutes of walking - dime *
5 or 10 strength training exercises - nickel or dime*
a task at work that I don't want to do -
contacting a friend or family member -
doing a chore at home -
5000 steps*

* I will increase these next week, tendonitis permitting

I have been flailing, struggling, even before Ruby's death. I just was not sure I could continue this voyage. I am not all the way back, but thanks to a sparkfriend who shared what she's doing, I have found a way to give myself dailly gratification, a way to rebuild my longer term commitment and, ultimately, a way to buy a piece or two of my smaller me wardrobe.

Today:
Frustrating that SparkPeople website crashed intermittently all day. I stayed within range nutritionally, despite feeling really hungry. I got the 8 glasses of water, 6 fruits and veggies. Only 2-3 strength training exercises, but that's more than I have done in about a month! I got in nearly 10K steps. It was a gorgeous day, not too hot, not too cold and my tendonitis threatened, but did not prevent my lunch time short walk. I looked for reasons to walk around at work and was surprised to see how many steps I took! Whee!

I had the midafternoon energy crash but I still got in 2 hours of OT and got a lot done. I did not get my least anticipated project taken care of, but I looked at it and thought up a game plan for tomorrow. As I said, I am not back, but I am on the way!

The money is more symbolic than anything else. I don't expect it will actually make a huge difference, but I like the almost immediate feedback.

Thank you, all, for comments, for Spark goodies, for emails, for your wonderful support! YOU ROCK!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NANNER2121 8/10/2010 10:41PM

    Great blog, nice to read after the heartbreak you so recently endured. LOVE the idea of paying yourself for good deeds: whatcha gonna buy???

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CARRAND 8/10/2010 9:51PM

    Hang in there, Honey. We're all on your side.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 8/10/2010 6:53PM

    It's so good to see you making progress and finding new ways to motivate yourself!
Stay so positive. You inspire me!
Sheila

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LNKSMOM 8/10/2010 4:37PM

  WHat a great idea.... I REALLY like it! HMMMM- now you have me thinking about how I can adopt it to use at school for me. Perhaps everytime I pass on ordering lunch out, put that amount in for starters---I've caved and ordered even when I brought a lunch from home~LOL

You ARE clever, girl~ emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 8/10/2010 3:11PM

    emoticonYou are sounding a lot more upbeat today. Love the idea of the reward strategies. emoticon emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/10/2010 11:44AM

  Good.. I just thought I couldn't get on SP because it was either my computer or my internet connection.

Congrats on doing some kind of exercise. :)

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FOCUSEDDIANE 8/10/2010 9:01AM

    Great way to motivate yourself!

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NONIE_C 8/10/2010 2:38AM

    I love this idea!!! I should probably do something similar, so I can start saving up for a pair of running shoes :) And I think it's great that you've found a way to celebrate the small successes of each day. By doing this, you will inevitably build a bigger success - like a whole month where you drank 8 or more cups of water a day. You can do this!!!
I've been doing little rewards for myself too. Like tonight, after a long day of bike riding, I enjoyed a leisurely hot bath before dinner (which was a healthy pulled chicken bbq sandwich - got the recipe from SparkRecipes). It's important to support ourselves...we deserve it!!!

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JHADZHIA 8/10/2010 1:40AM

    This sounds very much like progress coming to me! Coming close to 10K steps is awesome with that tendon! Just do what ever you can. That is the main thing. Listening to your body. It will tell you what you need and what to hold back on. You need something to focus on and this is a fabulous idea!!! Small steps.
Support is always here when you need it,
Hugs,
Linda

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I Feel Really Fat Today!

Sunday, August 08, 2010

The scale was way up this week. I did not care. I discovered that my relationship with food is not as healthy/improved as I thought it was. I even rediscovered Oreos. There are some foods that I have no business ever eating. Akin to any addict, moderation is not possible, or when possible, it's not wise. There are foods with which I have no brakes. Knowing that, I still gave in the other day. I did not care.

I need to take more responsibility for measuring my food. BF has no idea what an ounce is, etc. I've been far too lax. The other thing I realized is that this is not a switch. I am not going to rediscover my Spark and instantly be on track. I will have to take incremental steps.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAKEANDNELLIE 8/10/2010 6:28PM

    Like everyone else - I know what you're saying! I have so many trigger foods that it's not even funny. Eating was the high point of my existence for so long . . .
Just work on making small changes, one at a time. Just think, if you make one a week - that's 52 changes in year.
Those small steps do add up to big results.
I know you can do this - you are a strong and capable woman.
Always remember that I am here if you ever need help or support or a shoulder to lean on!
Stay focused,
Sheila emoticon emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/9/2010 6:53PM

    I hear ya. There are just some foods that are just too yummy. But when I am stressing or too overwhelmed with my emotions I give up my power to fight their yumminess. I discovered a new flavor of Oreos this weekend.... So I know how you feel. But you are right - there is no switch - and the incremental philosophy you have is the best one for me too. Thanks for the reminder. It is one step at a time...

We can and will do this. Stay strong, gorgeous. XO

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JHADZHIA 8/9/2010 2:00AM

    I know what you mean with certain foods. I was a buttery popcorn junkie and the only way to control not having one or two big bags a day was not to ever get them again. So what did I do? I switched to chips instead. I have always had salty chips with my veggies, don't know why really, lost the high fat cream cheese dip and went with yogurt as a dip, but still had the chips. Was good controlling portions, but now I will eat them anytime. So chips are my new popcorn, but working out like a demon has kept the pounds from creeping back on.
You know you have to restart and slow is the only true way to go. One little healthy addition to your lifestyle at a time. What ever you feel you can cope with. You can do it and you can get through this. You have done it before.
In the meantime, lots of hugs and positive thoughts coming your way.


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LIBBYFITZ 8/8/2010 11:13PM

    emoticonYou will get you're Spark back! emoticon

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CARRAND 8/8/2010 7:36PM

    Just start with small goals and you'll get your Spark back. I know what you mean about not yet having a healthy relationship with food, but all we can do is keep trying.

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ANNE1123 8/8/2010 6:35PM

    Don't give up on yourself even when you feel down and eat things that are no good. It's a slow process. It's not great to eat badly, but there are a whole bunch worse things you can do than this! Keep on sparking, we're here for you!! Take care and I hope August will be a better month overall!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/8/2010 3:53PM

  I know how that feels. There are foods that I can't buy because if I did... there would be no stopping me.

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MELA1953 8/8/2010 3:33PM

    Been there- still doing that! I am taking it one day at a time- you are right, small increments is key...

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NONIE_C 8/8/2010 3:20PM

    Oh, my friend, I know what you mean. I actually made myself a double cheeseburger the other night. Sure, it was probably healthier than going for fast food...but who needs to eat TWO burgers in one sitting?!?!? Not me. Damn those burgers and Orieos, but yay to us for TRYING to treat ourselves better, and for working to break years, and years, and years of unhealthy habits. And you are wrong about something - your relationship with food IS healthier and improved. Maybe you're not where you want to be yet, but you are most assuredly further along than when you started...and don't you forget that!!!! Something that I have to keep reminding myself to do is think about what I'd feed that little girl who doesn't know any better, and I think I need to come up with some creative ways to remind myself, because my mind cannot be trusted. You should try this too: think of the little girl inside you, the one who was not taught how to feed herself healthy food or deal with uncomfortable emotions in a productive way, and treat her with the compassion and love she always deserved. Would you give her a bag of Orieos and tell her, "have at it?" Probably not. I know I wouldn't feed the little girl in me a double cheeseburger ~ she's way to helpless and precious. And it's my job to take care of her, because now I'm the adult. I have to do the job that the adults in my childhood couldn't and didn't do. I hope this helps and I'm not just projecting my stuff onto you. Either way, just know that you are a super star and you're doing a fantastic job!!!! Just keep moving forward.
emoticon Nicole

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MYRTLEBEACHWINS 8/8/2010 3:08PM

    Even the turtle get's there eventually. You will too. Just take baby steps that are better each day. You will get there, see you there.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LALABABY8409 8/8/2010 2:57PM

    I know exactly how you feel, and I feel like I'm the same way. I know there are foods that I should stay away from because I can't control myself, but I eat them anyway. I eat fast food one day, I want fast food all week. But slowly, we will do this, together. If you ever need to talk you can come to my page!

Good luck! emoticon

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Floundering...

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Yesterday (August 6) was Dad's birthday. Were he alive, he would have been 76. I was so fortunate to have been able to plan and attend his 70th birthday party. That year, I saw him twice. For that party and, in October, we met in Las Vegas where Sharon and Dad celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary. As he walked away when we said goodby, I thought, "I may never see him walk again." I did not know how sick he was, but I was right. The following February 13, he died. When Dad died, I was about 25 pounds away from my goal. After the funeral, I lost interest in my healthy lifestyle and in the five years since, my weight climbed back up.

I was afraid of this, and it has come to pass. I am in the same emotional place now after Ruby's death. I am disinterested in tracking food, in moving, in caring. I find myself going through the motions. It does not help that my tendonitis is particularly bad. One day, I can walk 7 thousand steps, the next, I am lucky to do 5 and, as today, hardly anything at all. I woke up with it in pain and I had not done anything!

I am sure tomorrow's date with the scale will be way up and that will not encourage me to continue...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ISHIIGIRL 8/10/2010 1:17PM

    I lost a dear friend about two months ago. I know how you must be feeling. I am just now coming out of my funk. I read your status today and I am sorry you have lost another person in your life. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball. The best we can do is to get backup and keep being the best people we know how to be. That is what both of your friends would want you to do. Hang in there, it takes time to grieve but it does get easier!Hugs, Paige

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CARRAND 8/8/2010 2:00PM

    Struggling with grief is hard for anyone. Try to stay focused on healthy food choices while you can't exercise and please, please don't give up on yourself.

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JHADZHIA 8/8/2010 10:57AM

    I am so sorry you are struggling right now. But you must really try take care of yourself. It seems to me you have been struggling far too long with this tendonitis. Its maybe time to seek help and get some treatment for it. Physiotherapists can do wonders for you. See what suggestions your Dr. has for you. You don't have to bother tracking etc, but you can still at least make and buy healthy food choices..
Do what ever you can to get yourself through this. You owe it to yourself.
emoticon emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/8/2010 9:17AM

  I'm so sorry that you've found yourself back in that kind of place. Please look after yourself as best as possible.. always remember that we are here for you for support.

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LINDAE12 8/8/2010 12:25AM

    Be kind to yourself. You have just lost a dear friend and it will take time for you to recover emotionally. Let yourself grieve by giving yourself a break. Keep doing what you can, but don't push yourself too hard. Remember, you have your Spark friends to lean on and encourage you. God bless you.

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LIBBYFITZ 8/7/2010 11:51PM

    emoticonThis must be a very hard place to be in. Please try and be kind to you're body and eat healthy when you do eat. The tendonitis must be very frustrating on top of every thing else. emoticon

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Floundering...

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Yesterday (August 6) was Dad's birthday. Were he alive, he would have been 76. I was so fortunate to have been able to plan and attend his 70th birthday party. That year, I saw him twice. For that party and, in October, we met in Las Vegas where Sharon and Dad celebrated their 15th wedding anniversary. As he walked away when we said goodby, I thought, "I may never see him walk again." I did not know how sick he was, but I was right. The following February 13, he died. When Dad died, I was about 25 pounds away from my goal. After the funeral, I lost interest in my healthy lifestyle and in the five years since, my weight climbed back up.

I was afraid of this, and it has come to pass. I am in the same emotional place now after Ruby's death. I am disinterested in tracking food, in moving, in caring. I find myself going through the motions. It does not help that my tendonitis is particularly bad. One day, I can walk 7 thousand steps, the next, I am lucky to do 5 and, as today, hardly anything at all. I woke up with it in pain and I had not done anything!

I am sure tomorrow's date with the scale will be way up and that will not encourage me to continue...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 8/7/2010 11:55PM

    emoticon

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_MAOMAO_ 8/7/2010 11:54PM

  Dear, be extra kind to yourself! You are grieving, acutely. Not only is this fresh grieving, but for someone who should still be here with you.

Whatever the scale says tomorrow, just write it down. You'll amazed, as you begin to recover, how soon any extra weight will come back off. This too, shall pass. I know about stress eating; after my Dad died I took license to eat whatever whenever I wanted. That didn't honor his memory well. Slowly doing ourselves in with food won't help and it won't honor anyone's memory.
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