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JUNEAU2010's Recent Blog Entries

Training Class & Exam

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I spent all day in a training class followed by an exam. This was for renewal of my notary public commission. The toughest part of the day is fighting to stay focused as the afternoon wears on. I am afraid I did not pass the test. I'll find out in 15 business days, maybe.

The other hard thing about it is just sitting for that much time. The breaks and lunch hour did not afford the usual walking that I do during my normal workday...

I found this on one of my teams:
1) How are you helping to make your body stronger, more tone, and fit?
this week, not much. generally, walking

2) How are you helping today to eat better?
today, not much. the food at the meeting place was terrible

3) How are you helping to think in a more positive way?
this one I get. I find myself deliberately choosing to think positively and, the more I share with others, the more this is reinforced.

4) How are you helping those around you and your world?
I am still thinking of something meaningful I can do to help others who are dealing with the aftermath of a suicide. I would like to find some way to create some good from Ruby's death. People say I am an inspiration and other great comments, but I am not sure that's true!

I feel pretty heavy and lethargic today. Tomorrow will be better.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EPIPHANYANGEL 8/5/2010 3:27PM

    You are doing amazingly well considering everything you have been through. Take care. emoticon emoticon

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NANNER2121 8/5/2010 9:03AM

    I love your thoughts EXCEPT for the one where you doubt your success on the exam. I find when I doubt myself the most is when I've done my best and vice versa, when I'm confident I don't do as well as I suspected. The 15 day waiting time must be killer: I take a lot of courses and at least I get my grades in a timely fashion otherwise it would be hard to take. I'm sending positive energy your way. Please let us know the results.

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JHADZHIA 8/5/2010 9:01AM

    I have faith in you for passing your exam, you are so smart!! I agree with Tiburona, you have to take your own food. You will think of something to help others I am sure. Tomorrow is another day. You will get through this.
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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/5/2010 7:48AM

  well, let us know how you did on that exam! whatever the result is! but you are a smart cookie... so i'm sure you did good.

i have to agree with others on here... don't be too hard on yourself. you've been through a lot!

here's to better days!!

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NONIE_C 8/4/2010 11:52PM

    Tomorrow will be better, and the day after that it'll be even better still. You are doing great! Just keep on keepin' on!!!
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emoticon Nicole

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TIBURONA 8/4/2010 11:37PM

    If you are in the same kind of situation again. Pack a lunch and take it with. A few snacks would be good, some nuts, portable fruits like grapes or a banana or some energy bars - just to keep your mind and your body active. Stretch in the chair or get out when you can and move around, too.

Don't sweat the exam, you probably did better than you think. Faith in yourself with really help battle those evil stress hormones!

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You Got Through It!

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LIBBYFITZ 8/4/2010 10:10PM

    This is all normal after what you have been through. Don't be too hard on you're self. Give it time. emoticon

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On My Way Back

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

First day more or less back after a week of wrenching pain. Ruby's funeral was yesterday. I ate too much at the buffet following the funeral but I did not care. I gave a lot of thought over this week because I have been through something like this before. When Dad died 5 years ago, I was about 25 pounds away from goal. That week, I could not sleep or eat. Afterwards, I had zero interest in continuing to work towards my goal. I regained all that weight and then some.

I am not nearly that close to my goal this time. I gained almost a pound last week and not back on track completely, but the detour will be shorter.

I am not Catholic, so I did not know all the responses or hymns. The service was not a lot of comfort to me. But, on the way home, I had to stop at the Post Office and pick up a package. I was not expecting anything, so it was something to look forward to. It was a hymnal!

Months ago, I had written to my first music teacher and told her I'd found another old hymnal to add to my collection. The hymnal she sent was one she has had since her college days. It was edited by her music teacher at Boston College! The copyright date on this edition is 1930, only a few years before she was at BU. I opened it and sang for about an hour. I mailed a thank you note today to let her know how perfect the gift and its timing was!

I intended to walk at lunch, but my teondonitis flared up. I am so frustrated! It was not a minor flare, either. It really burns...

Nutritionally, I am WAY over on carbs, but on track in all else, and LOW on fat! How crazy is that?!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALESHABEE 8/4/2010 9:57PM

    emoticon Take some time to focus on you and heal. We will be here with open arms when you are ready to jump back on the wagon emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 8/4/2010 9:51PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. It is inconceivable to think about tracking carbs and such at this heartbreaking time. You are human and you are doing human things by dealing with grief. Tracking carbs can wait, gorgeous.

When you are ready and only then - do what you feel is best in that department. I am more concerned about you. I am sending you great bigs hugs and praying for you. You are such a trooper to just be trying and I commend you for your courage and your presence of mind. It's just amazing.

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CARRAND 8/4/2010 9:40PM

    Stay strong. Honor your friend by sticking to your goals.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 8/4/2010 9:01PM

    You made it through this week - just be strong and continue going through one day at a time. You'll soon be back on track and stronger than ever.
I hope the tendonitis lets up enough so that you can get some of your walking in. What do you do for it?
God certainly timed the delivery of the hymnal perfectly, didn't He!
Sheila emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 8/4/2010 3:22PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonYou have had one awful week, thanks for coming back, we will be here for you. emoticon

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VICD25 8/4/2010 2:16PM

    You have to do what you can do WHEN you can do it. I love the hymnal. It must have come at exactly the right time.

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NEXT30YEARS 8/4/2010 1:33PM

    Great gift! Glad to hear you are singing. Take care. Give yourself time to get back to your routine.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 8/4/2010 1:23PM

  That *was* great timing for the hymnal to arrive for you.

*Hugs*

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MICHELLENRGZED 8/4/2010 10:31AM

    Hey, don't sweat the stuff like food right now. You've been through a major time in your life, & you're still grieving. Things certainly aren't normal right now, & you need to give yourself time. Yes, it's good to be careful when you eat & to not eat too much, especially of certain things, but if you go over once in a while, so what? Once in a while's just that, once in a while. It's not like you're making a habit of it.

I'm so sorry that your tendinitis flared up! Ugh! Painful body stuff can really hamper things, eh? I hope this flare up passes quickly

So exciting about that hymnal, & that you do have a connection to its editor, even though it's a second hand connection. Still, that's pretty cool, & I'm so glad that you had that surprise waiting for you. :)

Hugs & prayers to you, luv, hugs & prayers!

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JHADZHIA 8/3/2010 10:28PM

    It was nice you had one bright spot in your day with that hymnal.
So sorry about your tendon (( Ice and rest is all you can do. Maybe you will have to get some kind of physio to help ease it. They can do wonders these days.
I am wishing you a better tomorrow,
Hugs,
Linda

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Ruby's Visitation Tonight

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Facebook took down the tribute page I created. I did not know that, by using my email address to set it up, they would see it as a duplicate. I created another page with a secondary email address, but it had some functionaliry issues. Ruby's niece set up a page that works for everyone. I am glad that it works, that the pictures and memories can be shared, but so disappointed that my tribute was a failure.

I also had taken one of the photos and gone to cafe press and created a memorial button. On screen, it looked great. When they arrived, they looked less than satisfactory. The picture is not set right and the lettering is too small and not in the right place. Money down the drain.

Several former coworkers will be at the visitation tonight. One of them is meeting me for an early dinner and we will do the set-up and clean-up for the visitation. I am looking forward to seeing everyone, but I wish it were not for this reason.

I posted a comment on the memorial page yesterday that I wish we had been in better touch. She got laid off before I did. I got busy with both jobs, school and learning a new job. I assumed she was snapped up and that another company was benefitting from her knowledge, her integrity, her work...I wish I had called, written and emailed more often.

Ruby's mom had died so she had moved in with her dad (along with husband and cats) to take care of him. I guess that was almost 2 years ago, reccently enough that it was still a time of adjustment.

She had sold her fitness business when the rent got too high and I know she missed it.

What can I say at the visitation? I feel as if I am living a small part of the Gettysburg Address. I cannot say anything to add more to her life, her legacy. There are no words to offer comfort to her loved ones and the room will be full of people who were even closer to her than I was.

Yet, I have to say something if only to be an additional voice in the chorus of love and sorrow.

I wish I could hear her voice, hear her laugh, give her another hug and say how much I love her, how much I admire, respect and treasure her.

I have not paid attention to food this past week. Some days, I ate well below, some days I ate over. I did not exercise as much and I did not stay on the journey. I gained almost a pound and am happy that it is not more than that.
I am ok with all this. I am not regretting anything or beating up myself about it.

My adopted sister sent me a check when I graduated with a note to do something for me with it. I threw it in the bank. I used it yesterday to pay half of the cost of a cut and color at Supercuts. I have not had a cut this year. I have been coloring my hair myself and have not been happy with the result. The hairdresser suggested a darker shade. I was not feeling that courageous, so I picked one slightly lighter. Ir is still darker than what I had been using.

She styled it. I won't be able to replicate it,but I like it. She cut off the dead stuff, so it is at least an inch shorter, but still a medium length. I don't know if it's still long enough to pull back, but the shaping and loss of weight make wearing my hair down somewhat bearable. Most importantly, it's not hanging in my eyes. I was on the edge of tears during the color, just thinking about Ruby, spending the money this way to honor her. There will be a buffet after the funeral and there will be pictures taken. By me making me look better, it says to the world that her event is worth the money and time.

I slept better last night than I have all week. Exhaustion, probably. It helps me face today calmly and, as you see, back on SP. Not fully back, but back. This evening will be long and tomorrow starts early.

Thank you, everyone, for the comments and Goodies. there is no way I can adequately respond collectively or individually. Over time,I will thank you individually. Your loving support has made an awful week a touch earier to bear. Thank you.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAZZERCISEGENIE 8/4/2010 7:40AM

    I will check it out. I was out of town for a week so don't have the knowledge of what happened.
My sister died last friday I held her hand when she breathed her last breath. I know she is in no more pain. emoticon emoticon

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MICHELLENRGZED 8/2/2010 10:42AM

    I'm praying for you & for those grieving for Ruby, who's obviously very dear to you. I've been off SP for almost 2 weeks now, & I just found out about this now. Hugs & prayers!

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JAKEANDNELLIE 8/2/2010 9:07AM

    Keep Ruby in your heart and cherish the memories you have. Honor her memory by being the best person you know how to be every day.
My dad was always doing things for others, so I try to help someone every day to honor his memory. I say a silent thank you to him enriching my life by his presence before he was gone and even now.
Think of Ruby when something good happens to you and when you do something good for others.
Sheila emoticon

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CARRAND 8/1/2010 10:20PM

    I'll be thinking of you.

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LIBBYFITZ 8/1/2010 9:18PM

    emoticon emoticonWill be thinking of you.

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BLACK_WING 8/1/2010 3:03PM

    You and Ruby's family will be in my prayers tonight!

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NEXT30YEARS 8/1/2010 2:56PM

    Your actions have not been failures. Without your efforts the facebook page may never had been created. Everything was done from your love for Ruby. Tonight should not only be about you providing comfort for others, but also for you finding comfort and support from cherished memories of Ruby shared by family and friends.

Take care.

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NANNER2121 8/1/2010 2:28PM

    We love you and are here for whatever your needs may be. I will say a prayer for you, Ruby and Ruby's family tonight.
Hugs, Donna

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Remembering Ruby, A Rainbow and a Primal Scream

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

When the news came, I did not believe it. I still don't believe it. At first, I did not want to even speak the words. I am starting to realize that not saying the words perpetuates the harm and prevents healing. This may force me to look at my own shadows...

Ruby committed suicide Saturday morning.
There. I said it. Five words. A collection of letters and of letters that construct a sentence. I can read it, but the words do not register.

I went to work today and was mostly unproductive. I stared at walls and, despite scolding myself to focus and get busy, I could not. My email and FB accounts were very active. Most of us were also employees at the dealership. Only one of the group is still there. I have known Candy since she was about 6 months old. She's now a mom and still works there. She commented that she was, like me, staring at walls and not wanting to be around some of the people there. The painful thing for all of us is the knowledge that we believe it is the actions of the dealership owner that started Ruby on this horrible path. Other than that, we are at a loss to explain the depression and this final act.

It has been my honor to set up the tribute page for Ruby. Her husband shared a lot of pictures. He said that her dad cried when he showed him the page. Her dad hugged the laptop.

Through it all, some of us are reconnecting. Friendships may be rekindled. That is the rainbow through all of the heartbreak. My heart still feels completely shattered in countless shards.

A former coworker for all of us posted what I thought was an inappropriate and snarky comment on FB and I emailed him privately about it. He said that people who commit suicide are cowards and they will burn in Hell. I told him that, while the Bible may say that, his words do not help. He cannot hurt Ruby any longer, but he can and did hurt at least me. I said that the statement was not tactful and does not leave the door open for him to share the Good News. It was incredibly painful! All the more so because it was so unexpected.

I stayed within range for food, got in 8K steps, but no dedicated exercise. I felt like eating nothing and I felt like eating sweets. Weird. My stomach hurts constantly and I know it's because of unshed tears.

Lance Armstrong's foundation sports a yellow band, prostate cancer is light blue, breast cancer is pink. What is the color for suicide prevention? How can good come from this? Ruby was my age and that's too young to die.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THANKFULL1 7/31/2010 3:32PM

    emoticon I'm so sorry for that rude and uncalled for comment that you got from the man who said that the Bible says that a person who committs suicide is going to Hell! I'm here to tell you that the Bible DOES NOT say that ANYWARE!! I know if you ask him where it says that he will not be able to tell you because it's not there...Period! But friend, the Bible DOES say that And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28. That is a direct promise from God. What can undo the promises of God?
I will continue to keep you and Rubys family in my prayers. May your hearts be filled with the peace that only God can give. God bless you!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/29/2010 11:05AM

  I am so sorry for your loss. That was wonderful that you did a tribute page for Ruby. Yes, indeed she was way too young to pass away.

My prayers are with you in this time in your life.
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1_AMAZING_WOMAN 7/28/2010 10:25AM

    People don't commit suicide because they 'want' to. They do it because they all they see is hopelessness of excaping the intolerable pain, and they don't feel they can reach out to anybody who can really understand. And the fact is, most don't understand that depth of pain, which then just exaccerbates their level of pain. Often, even if the person does reach out, someone will make some comment that further increases the pain. And, if a person does know you're in that much pain, people will withdraw cause they don't know how to deal with it.

I know. I've been there.

Amber

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LINDA! 7/28/2010 10:05AM

    I am sorry for your loss. emoticon emoticon

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TURQUOISELOTUS 7/28/2010 8:15AM

    Oh dear, I am so so so sorry for your loss. All I have for you is hugs, and wishes for peace for your friend emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BILLB000 7/27/2010 10:57PM

    You have started on a correct healing path by beginning to get your thoughts and feelings out there. This will take a long time for all of you to sort this one out. God Bless you in this journey. It has to hurt right now. Keep sharing with people you trust. And stay the healthy, course of self care.

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CARRAND 7/27/2010 10:25PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there honey. You'll get through this.

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TEENY_BIKINI 7/27/2010 7:04PM

    Oh, I am so so sorry for your loss. It is terribly sad. I have no words.

I am sending hugs.

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JHADZHIA 7/27/2010 11:59AM

    Your physical pain is a result of your mental pain. This anguish will be harder to heal then with someone dying of natural causes. Unfortunately, with most suicides there are usually warning signs, little cries for help. But you can't fault yourself for not seeing them. Unfortunately, not even the people closest to them can see them most times :(( No one truly wants to die, they would rather get help, but if they don't see its there for them, they can follow through with it.
I would say a black ribbon with a yellow streak symbolizing the blackest pits of despair, but reaching out for a ray of hope.
Sorry for your suffering :(
Hugs,

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SUGARBABY60 7/27/2010 7:50AM

    I believe the color for suicide prevention should be clear like the tears that are shed for so long after the act is done.
I was fortunate to be able to write my son a letter after his unsuccessful attempt. I told him that no matter how much you hurt that suicide doesn't stop the pain it just passes on to all the others that your life has touched.It is not the act of a coward but of a hurting person. and Suicide NEVER just effects the person involved it affects GENERATIONS . My grandfather committed this act when my mother was 12 yrs old and she carried the guilt for the next 80 years (her parents divorced and her dad met her on the way to school one day and ask her to come live with him, she declined and then he did the act. Now I am sure he never intended for his child to carry the guilt of not making the right choice to live with her hurting parent ,he only wanted to relieve his hurt but his choice left a mark on her own parenting skills which left a mark on MY parenting skills and my children... that is 3 generations impacted.

Forget the ignorant Religeous zelot who is more ready to condem a person to Hell A compassionate Christ UNDERSTANDS all.... both seen and unseen circumstances and judges accordingly.

I pray that you will receive peace in these trying circumstances.

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LIBBYFITZ 7/27/2010 6:39AM

    Thank you for such a wonderful heartfelt blog. There is a great website called "beyondblue" and that gives lot's of information on mental health. emoticon

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Remembering Ruby, Full of Tears and Regrets

Monday, July 26, 2010

Thank you, Sparkfriends, for your comments, for your goodies, for your compassion. I am in tears now, both because cogent thought is tough but also because you have touched me deeply.

The scale says I lost 2 lbs this week, even with 3 days of over-the-top consumption. I don't believe it. Ever since I got the call about Ruby, food has no taste. My appetite comes and goes. I was super hungry midday and inhaled my lunch and it now sits like a concrete block.

I did some intermittent walking today. I went shopping at an unfamiliar Target and, with an unfamiliar layout, walked all over more than once. I did not mind. Someone said something really nasty to me and it was a miracle that I did not unload on him about my grief. I now understand why people used to stay home and mourn for a week or so before going on with life.

I had to get my car smogged, so I set up the appointment yesterday for this morning. Got to the place in good time. The agent was rude and argumentative. I went outside to wait. A while later, the tech came out and told the waiting people that it would be at least a half hour, the machine was not working. Nearly an hour later, he came back to say they were not going to get it fixed and we were welcome to make an appointment another day. We both drove off. Great. Something ELSE I have to do this week.

I talked with Ruby's husband today. We had a very good talk, even though I feel completely helpless to say anything that will help. He sent me some pictures that I uploaded to the tribute page I created on Facebook yesterday. I was so honored to do that. I treasure every picture!

Ruby had been going through a horrible time. She was falsely accused of being party to the embezzlement at the dealership. The manager who committed the thefts is now behind bars. A bunch of people were fired when the owner blew his top. This happened only a few months after Ruby's mom died. Ruby went into a deep depression, was on medication and under a doctor's care. She shut out her friends thinking we believed the lies.

All of this coincided with the economic downslide. After I was laid off last fall, I was in only sporadic touch with Ruby. I had no idea things had not improved. I regret that I was not in closer contact over the last few months. If only I had called or written more often...If only...

I wish I had told her more often how much I appreciated her, how much I loved her, how important she is to me.

The funeral will probably be Thursday. I had forgotten that Yvonne is going on vacation starting Thursday. Her first comment when I told her about the funeral was a reminder that I have to cover her desk. Wow! So, of course, work is more important than my broken heart!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIVINEPRINCESS 9/1/2010 3:32PM

    What a sobering reminder to us all that we need to make sure the people we love know we love them. We can't tell them too often...or show them, either. Last year I made a conscious effort and was very deliberate about making sure I dined out with my friends at least monthly. This was my inner circle of four ladies --who do not know each other, so these would be one one one outings. That meant 4 evenings out a month plus my other responsibilities, etc...but it kept me in touch with them. I haven't been as diligent about it this year. Maybe I need to get back to that.

May God continue to heal your pain as you go through the grieving process. It is a process so do not rush yourself through it.

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LIBBYFITZ 7/26/2010 11:03AM

    I am so glad that you have kept communicating with us! We all have regrets and the pain is very acute. Please remember we are here for you. emoticon

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BEAR_GURL 7/26/2010 1:02AM

    The loss of a friend or loved one is something that scars the soul; Ruby will never be forgotten and there will come a time that you'll be able to think of her without tearing. My brother passed away suddenly August 7, 2001, at the age of 21: it was unbearable in the beginning--but now I can recount a story to my daughters and laugh.

Ruby wouldn't want you to "give up" on life or bemoan her fate...she would want you to find the joy in life and remember the good times you've had. Share memories/stories about her far and wide--memorialize her in your heart and the hearts of others. Everyone deserves the time to grieve, but remember you have a life to live (I think this was the hardest lesson I learned!). Use Ruby's passing as another reason to push forward to your goals!!!

If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm simply an email away; you and Ruby's family are in my thoughts and prayers: )


HUGS,

Melissa

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THANKFULL1 7/26/2010 12:53AM

    Thank you for being so transparent, You are an inspiration. You have inspired me to call my freinds, family and even aquaintences and tell them I love them or that I'm here for them or just to lend an ear to them.
This pain your feeling will go away, I lost my brother many years ago and NEVER thought the deep pain would leave. MONIEE2 is right. God does not make mistakes, And He is our comfort in time of need.

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ANNE1123 7/26/2010 12:32AM

    I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you will keep using the Spark to connect with others as you need to during this difficult time. I'm thinking of you, I wish you all the best and please stay in touch. Take care, we're here for you.

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MONIEE2 7/26/2010 12:31AM

    I am so sorry for your loss, but know that God makes no mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself, everything happens for a reason & happens the way it is supposed to. I lost my son in March, so I understand your pain.

Time heals all wounds, this too shall pass!!

Stay strong!!

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ACIMPEGGY 7/26/2010 12:28AM

    It will get better. You know it will.

You know, I hope, that we love you and are here for you.

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