Sunday, August 01, 2010
Facebook took down the tribute page I created. I did not know that, by using my email address to set it up, they would see it as a duplicate. I created another page with a secondary email address, but it had some functionaliry issues. Ruby's niece set up a page that works for everyone. I am glad that it works, that the pictures and memories can be shared, but so disappointed that my tribute was a failure.
I also had taken one of the photos and gone to cafe press and created a memorial button. On screen, it looked great. When they arrived, they looked less than satisfactory. The picture is not set right and the lettering is too small and not in the right place. Money down the drain.
Several former coworkers will be at the visitation tonight. One of them is meeting me for an early dinner and we will do the set-up and clean-up for the visitation. I am looking forward to seeing everyone, but I wish it were not for this reason.
I posted a comment on the memorial page yesterday that I wish we had been in better touch. She got laid off before I did. I got busy with both jobs, school and learning a new job. I assumed she was snapped up and that another company was benefitting from her knowledge, her integrity, her work...I wish I had called, written and emailed more often.
Ruby's mom had died so she had moved in with her dad (along with husband and cats) to take care of him. I guess that was almost 2 years ago, reccently enough that it was still a time of adjustment.
She had sold her fitness business when the rent got too high and I know she missed it.
What can I say at the visitation? I feel as if I am living a small part of the Gettysburg Address. I cannot say anything to add more to her life, her legacy. There are no words to offer comfort to her loved ones and the room will be full of people who were even closer to her than I was.
Yet, I have to say something if only to be an additional voice in the chorus of love and sorrow.
I wish I could hear her voice, hear her laugh, give her another hug and say how much I love her, how much I admire, respect and treasure her.
I have not paid attention to food this past week. Some days, I ate well below, some days I ate over. I did not exercise as much and I did not stay on the journey. I gained almost a pound and am happy that it is not more than that.
I am ok with all this. I am not regretting anything or beating up myself about it.
My adopted sister sent me a check when I graduated with a note to do something for me with it. I threw it in the bank. I used it yesterday to pay half of the cost of a cut and color at Supercuts. I have not had a cut this year. I have been coloring my hair myself and have not been happy with the result. The hairdresser suggested a darker shade. I was not feeling that courageous, so I picked one slightly lighter. Ir is still darker than what I had been using.
She styled it. I won't be able to replicate it,but I like it. She cut off the dead stuff, so it is at least an inch shorter, but still a medium length. I don't know if it's still long enough to pull back, but the shaping and loss of weight make wearing my hair down somewhat bearable. Most importantly, it's not hanging in my eyes. I was on the edge of tears during the color, just thinking about Ruby, spending the money this way to honor her. There will be a buffet after the funeral and there will be pictures taken. By me making me look better, it says to the world that her event is worth the money and time.
I slept better last night than I have all week. Exhaustion, probably. It helps me face today calmly and, as you see, back on SP. Not fully back, but back. This evening will be long and tomorrow starts early.
Thank you, everyone, for the comments and Goodies. there is no way I can adequately respond collectively or individually. Over time,I will thank you individually. Your loving support has made an awful week a touch earier to bear. Thank you.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
When the news came, I did not believe it. I still don't believe it. At first, I did not want to even speak the words. I am starting to realize that not saying the words perpetuates the harm and prevents healing. This may force me to look at my own shadows...
Ruby committed suicide Saturday morning.
There. I said it. Five words. A collection of letters and of letters that construct a sentence. I can read it, but the words do not register.
I went to work today and was mostly unproductive. I stared at walls and, despite scolding myself to focus and get busy, I could not. My email and FB accounts were very active. Most of us were also employees at the dealership. Only one of the group is still there. I have known Candy since she was about 6 months old. She's now a mom and still works there. She commented that she was, like me, staring at walls and not wanting to be around some of the people there. The painful thing for all of us is the knowledge that we believe it is the actions of the dealership owner that started Ruby on this horrible path. Other than that, we are at a loss to explain the depression and this final act.
It has been my honor to set up the tribute page for Ruby. Her husband shared a lot of pictures. He said that her dad cried when he showed him the page. Her dad hugged the laptop.
Through it all, some of us are reconnecting. Friendships may be rekindled. That is the rainbow through all of the heartbreak. My heart still feels completely shattered in countless shards.
A former coworker for all of us posted what I thought was an inappropriate and snarky comment on FB and I emailed him privately about it. He said that people who commit suicide are cowards and they will burn in Hell. I told him that, while the Bible may say that, his words do not help. He cannot hurt Ruby any longer, but he can and did hurt at least me. I said that the statement was not tactful and does not leave the door open for him to share the Good News. It was incredibly painful! All the more so because it was so unexpected.
I stayed within range for food, got in 8K steps, but no dedicated exercise. I felt like eating nothing and I felt like eating sweets. Weird. My stomach hurts constantly and I know it's because of unshed tears.
Lance Armstrong's foundation sports a yellow band, prostate cancer is light blue, breast cancer is pink. What is the color for suicide prevention? How can good come from this? Ruby was my age and that's too young to die.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thank you, Sparkfriends, for your comments, for your goodies, for your compassion. I am in tears now, both because cogent thought is tough but also because you have touched me deeply.
The scale says I lost 2 lbs this week, even with 3 days of over-the-top consumption. I don't believe it. Ever since I got the call about Ruby, food has no taste. My appetite comes and goes. I was super hungry midday and inhaled my lunch and it now sits like a concrete block.
I did some intermittent walking today. I went shopping at an unfamiliar Target and, with an unfamiliar layout, walked all over more than once. I did not mind. Someone said something really nasty to me and it was a miracle that I did not unload on him about my grief. I now understand why people used to stay home and mourn for a week or so before going on with life.
I had to get my car smogged, so I set up the appointment yesterday for this morning. Got to the place in good time. The agent was rude and argumentative. I went outside to wait. A while later, the tech came out and told the waiting people that it would be at least a half hour, the machine was not working. Nearly an hour later, he came back to say they were not going to get it fixed and we were welcome to make an appointment another day. We both drove off. Great. Something ELSE I have to do this week.
I talked with Ruby's husband today. We had a very good talk, even though I feel completely helpless to say anything that will help. He sent me some pictures that I uploaded to the tribute page I created on Facebook yesterday. I was so honored to do that. I treasure every picture!
Ruby had been going through a horrible time. She was falsely accused of being party to the embezzlement at the dealership. The manager who committed the thefts is now behind bars. A bunch of people were fired when the owner blew his top. This happened only a few months after Ruby's mom died. Ruby went into a deep depression, was on medication and under a doctor's care. She shut out her friends thinking we believed the lies.
All of this coincided with the economic downslide. After I was laid off last fall, I was in only sporadic touch with Ruby. I had no idea things had not improved. I regret that I was not in closer contact over the last few months. If only I had called or written more often...If only...
I wish I had told her more often how much I appreciated her, how much I loved her, how important she is to me.
The funeral will probably be Thursday. I had forgotten that Yvonne is going on vacation starting Thursday. Her first comment when I told her about the funeral was a reminder that I have to cover her desk. Wow! So, of course, work is more important than my broken heart!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Why is the sun shining? Why is it a gorgeous day? It should be raining, it should be cold and gloomy outside, just as my heart is. The roads and streets should be full of cracking ice, cracking as if glass. My heart feels shattered like ice or glass.
Ruby, my dear friend, how could this happen? I feel so badly that I did not know how dark your world had become. I did not believe the accusations about you. Anyone who knew you, anyone who spent time with you, anyone who loved you knew they were without foundation, that you had far too much integrity. Why did I not reassure you of my loyalty, my love, my trust, my confidence in you?
The years that we worked together were wonderful. You always appreciated my work, my willingness to put in any extra time you needed. As our friendship developed, I became rich. I just knew you would be a friend for life. Little did I know that yours would end far too soon.
Soon your father will bury another child, your husband is now alone and all of your cats will look for you. Your brothers will bury their sister and your nieces and nephews will have questions for the rest of their lives.
My heart is so heavy, I cannot bear the weight of this sorrow. A group of us will reunite at your funeral and how bitter that reunion will be. I cannot believe I will never hear your laugh, share a hug, or share a meal again. I love you, Ruby, and it hurts so badly that that was not enough.
To my Sparkfriends,
I don't know how active I will be on the site for the foreseeable future. I have no interest in tracking food, counting steps or cups of water. I don''t want to go through the motions as there is no integrity in that. On the other hand, as it was after Dad died, I went numb for a very long time. It was the cards and letters, the fact that people insisted on interacting with me that thawed that numbness. Eventually, I got past the stage when pain was the only feeling I could feel. When that is the only thing I could feel, that was the only way I knew I was alive. So it is now. I am not asking for y'all to fill my mail, comments or page, far from it. Please don't take my silence as judgment that you are not important or that I don't care. Right now, all I can do is cry and feel a crushing pain in my heart.
I don't know what else to say.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Back on my virtual journey. I was surprised to learn it had been more than 30 days since I had calculated my distance. This means I walked past Eureka, CA on July 15 and did not even know it! I'm not getting in as much mileage thanks to the tendonitis, but I am already 9 miles further north on my way to Seattle. Seattle is about 480 miles north of Eureka. So what prompted me calculate it and continue? On my Walking off the Weight team, a member, VERNEJORDAN has been logging in a lot of miles every day. She inspired me. She also set a great example and I was a bit ashamed for being a slouch.
On top of that, there were several days this week when I ate too much and not wisely. Today, I had a trip to Burger King and had a good grilled chicken sandwich. I should not have had the fries. It was as if I were watching someone else eat them! When we got back to work, we found ourselves immediately in the ice cream social. Usually, I either skip it or have a small scoop and leave. Today, and this is really embarrassing to be honest, I had 5 scoops and chocolate sauce! WHAT was that all about?
I did not leave after the first 3 scoops. I hung out and talked to various people and it was not all work talk. Then, I walked away, went to a coworker's office to talk about a new procedure/form and, without thinking, came back through the breezeway where the social was. One of the scoopers beckoned me as if he wanted to say something to me and all the other scoopers started "selling" their flavors as if it were a competition! "I'll take one for the team!" I said.
I am going to HATE what the scale says this Sunday morning, but I will deserve it.
Thanks to VERNEJORDAN for her consistency and for sharing it on the team message boards. It relit my desire to do the virtual walk. That aspect will help me work back into the rest of this journey.
I logged in all the food, I am being honest here - both actions are different from the past.
Even on a "down" day when you did not get as much accomplished as you wanted, the fact that you shared it is like reaching a hand out to someone else. Don't stop building your Spark community, don't stop sharing the roses and the thorns.
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