Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I've been watching "Most Extreme Airports" on the History Channel as I've been sparking. The #1 most extreme airport is Lukla in Nepal. The airport is actually named for Sir Edmund Hilary and his sherpa guide, but they call it Lukla. The program was about the hazards of these various airports - mostly weather, approach, short runways or steep approaches. But I was touched by the explanation for this airport. Of course Hilary wanted to make it easier for the hikers to get to the base of the Himalayan mountain more quickly, but he built this airport more for the people of Nepal. He needed a way to fly in books for schools for the people. Quite humbling. Even today, the people there have not seen a car, but they have seen planes.
I did not feel well all day, but I stuck it out at work. I don't have much sick time left and there's still a lot of year left. Part of it was not wanting to do some of the drudgery that awaits, but I might have eaten something or be fighting a bug. I just felt crappy in an undefined way. When I have a bad tummy, I often eat in the hopes that the next thing will help me feel better. Along with that, I had the threat of a possible migraine.
I may end the day below in calories or above, I am not sure. I took a short walk at lunch. No cut grass, yay! But my leg was giving me warnings that the planned full walk might overdo it. This was not a manufactured excuse, it was real. I listened and I shortened the walk.
I could use a nice vacation, but there's no time or money. Seeing all these airports in nice sounding places was fun. But, as I watched the Lukla segment, I was humbled, reminded how blessed I am despite my bad habit of complaint and my own struggles. I really need to watch my attitude in all things...!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I spent a couple of hours getting ready for The Call. Norma, our top lawyer (senior VP) wanted me in on the call with the requesting attorney to discuss the progress we've made in responding to his subpoena. I was very aware that this could make me or break me for future opportunities to do paralegal activities.
I went to her office just a few minutes early after an internal debate about going in earlier. She had forgotten about the call and, as I was briefing her on what I had found, the attorney called. Norma had me do most of the talking, but I deferred to her when he asked questions I could not answer. I told him we could duplicate the diskettes or burn onto CD. He asked if we would send the original diskettes to him for forensic copying after which he would return them. I was surprised, but she said that was ok.
During the call, he mentioned some other pieces of software. I recognized them, knew they were archived a long time ago. Then Norma told him that I have a lot of institutional knowledge because I have worked in the software center, the order center and am now in the legal department. As she went on, he said she'd be wise not to ever let me go. She said she doesn't intend that to happen.
I am not fooled. He's an attorney needing our help. Nothing that Norma said is cast in concrete. But, wow! That was nice to hear!
I took a short, short walk at lunch. They were cutting the grass, so I went back inside. I did end the day just shy of 10K steps, despite my tendonitis.
The day ended with me being 10 calories over, under in fat, over in carbs and....that probably is as good a metaphor for the day as any.
Thanks, everyone, for your wonderful comments on yesterday's blog. Carrying the mental image of a young girl through the day gave me a new zest. I pictured her walking hand in hand with me, skipping on the sidewalk. (I could not skip when I was little). As I drank my water, as I walked all over the campus, I told myself I was doing these things because I was taking care of her.
It was a good day!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I did not blog yesterday. I did not have much to say and I was so tired, I could hardly keep my eyes open. I didn't want to go to sleep, but I had zero energy.
We had pizza last night from Little Caesars. I ate four pieces, yes, four! It was as if I were watching me do that. Talk about mindless eating. I DID log it in and was stunned when I saw the calories.
Small wonder that the scale told me I gained nearly a pound this week. I was not surprised, I was not especially upset, but I did find myself getting angry over nothing later, so I guess that means there was some anger...
Then, today. I did not sleep well last night. I forgot that pizza sometimes gives me strange dreams. We had things to do but did not leave the house until 2:45 pm! Breakfast was a whopping 763 calories! Pancakes with 1% milk instead of water, banana and flaxseed in the batter and two turkey sausages. No syrup. Instead, I had canned pears blended to a sauce. I thought virtuously that I would eat carefully the rest of the day and end the day on target.
We went to Dairy Queen for lunch/dinner. I have not been there in decades. The grilled chicken sandwich was ok, but I would have asked them to leave off the mayo had I thought about it. The bread was "dead bread", the white bread with no value. I had some french fries even though I did not want them. I did not finish the serving, but that was not because I had suddenly regained my Spark. We split a medium chocolate super chocolate blizzard. I forget the name of it, but it was like a chocolate mousse and I had no business ever knowing what that tasted like. In years past, whether WW or Dr Phil, whatever food log I was using, I would not have put this in my log. But I did. I was amazed how much food I put away today!
I mentioned this in an email to a special sparkfriend. I said that I would have characterized this as a "transgression" in the past. I don't know how to characterize it now, but I refuse to call it "bad" or use any other negative terms. I am not a bad person and I will not live my life with "diet" thinking. Bless her heart! She answered me with comments that reminded me of something very important.
She used the analogy of taking care of a child. That reminded me that, a few years ago, I looked deep inside myself. The little girl inside me was not loved. She still craves love and attention. When I was doing things to nurture her, I was more confident, more positive and I treated me better.
So I will "act as if until it is." I will exercise, I will eat wisely, I will make choices as if I have rediscovered the Spark. I will do what I need to do for that unloved girl inside me. In doing those things, I am showing her that she is loved, that she is valuable, that she is worth the investment. By making these choices, I am validating her. In so doing, I am validating me. This gives that little girl inside permission to let go of all that crap and become the strong woman that I carry in a fragile way now. I have not worded this well, but fatigue is creaping in again.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I was over on calories by about 200. This evening, after work, BF and I went to test drive a newer used car. I liked the car but did not love it. Then, when it got to talking numbers, turns out I could not afford this car if I want to keep my payments at my chosen number. The hits kept coming. My credit score has fallen by 60-80 points in the last 2-3 years. Then, I saw the CarFax on my car and learned, to my absolute shock, that the odometer was rolled back about 9K miles before I bought the car! So that decreased the trade in value tremendously!
They wanted to talk me into another test drive with a different car, but BF was hungry! So we left and went to taco bell. His choice - he won the baseball bet a couple of weeks ago. Nothing healthy so I ordered mindlessly. It didn't taste as good as I remembered and nothing tasted good tonight anyway.
I am tired, drained, but don't want to sleep yet...
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