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JUNEAU2010's Recent Blog Entries

Remembering Ruby (This One Really Hurts)

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Why is the sun shining? Why is it a gorgeous day? It should be raining, it should be cold and gloomy outside, just as my heart is. The roads and streets should be full of cracking ice, cracking as if glass. My heart feels shattered like ice or glass.

Ruby, my dear friend, how could this happen? I feel so badly that I did not know how dark your world had become. I did not believe the accusations about you. Anyone who knew you, anyone who spent time with you, anyone who loved you knew they were without foundation, that you had far too much integrity. Why did I not reassure you of my loyalty, my love, my trust, my confidence in you?

The years that we worked together were wonderful. You always appreciated my work, my willingness to put in any extra time you needed. As our friendship developed, I became rich. I just knew you would be a friend for life. Little did I know that yours would end far too soon.

Soon your father will bury another child, your husband is now alone and all of your cats will look for you. Your brothers will bury their sister and your nieces and nephews will have questions for the rest of their lives.

My heart is so heavy, I cannot bear the weight of this sorrow. A group of us will reunite at your funeral and how bitter that reunion will be. I cannot believe I will never hear your laugh, share a hug, or share a meal again. I love you, Ruby, and it hurts so badly that that was not enough.

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To my Sparkfriends,
I don't know how active I will be on the site for the foreseeable future. I have no interest in tracking food, counting steps or cups of water. I don''t want to go through the motions as there is no integrity in that. On the other hand, as it was after Dad died, I went numb for a very long time. It was the cards and letters, the fact that people insisted on interacting with me that thawed that numbness. Eventually, I got past the stage when pain was the only feeling I could feel. When that is the only thing I could feel, that was the only way I knew I was alive. So it is now. I am not asking for y'all to fill my mail, comments or page, far from it. Please don't take my silence as judgment that you are not important or that I don't care. Right now, all I can do is cry and feel a crushing pain in my heart.

I don't know what else to say.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELA1953 8/2/2010 1:26PM

    emoticon

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MICHELLENRGZED 8/2/2010 10:45AM

    It's totally understandable. Please just take all the time you need. That's what's most important here.

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ROX2013 7/26/2010 1:17AM

    When you suffer such a loss as this everyday things seem to become so meaningless in the grand scheme of things. Remember your friend with love and take the time to grieve. My prayers are with you and her family and friends. emoticon

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FURANGEL 7/25/2010 8:20PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. Take the time you need to grieve and mourn this deep loss of such a good friend, but know I am here for you. Take care of yourself.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/25/2010 6:48PM

  I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. We will all be here waiting for you if you shall return.

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RISSASPIECES 7/25/2010 11:03AM

    I can't even imagine the depths of your pain over this loss. I will be thinking of you.

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JHADZHIA 7/25/2010 10:15AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts during your absence.
Its not necessary to track, blog etc. Just follow your normal routine. A healthy lifestyle should be automatic, not something you have to think about.
Allow yourself to mourn. Cry, pound your pillow in frustration, let it all out.
Know that I am beside you in spirit giving you virtual hugs.

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IAMALIGHTHOUSE 7/25/2010 10:09AM

    my heart and prayers. Don't pull away- we can help your hurt and your pain.

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KAKIPOPUP 7/25/2010 5:08AM

    I'm so sorry.

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NANNER2121 7/25/2010 12:21AM

    Take all the time you need. We'll be right here with open hearts and arms. Even if you don't track or post, just open your page to feel the love and support we're sending to you.
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GAININGMYLIFE 7/24/2010 11:27PM

    We are here waiting for you to return to us.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 7/24/2010 11:06PM

    Take all the time you need to mourn and honor your dear friend. We will be here waiting with open arms and love for you in our hearts when you are ready to return to us.
You are in my prayers, dear friend.
Sheila emoticon emoticon

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THANKFULL1 7/24/2010 10:34PM

    You are in my prayers June, and remember there is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother. emoticon

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VOODOODOLLY71 7/24/2010 10:22PM

    Although we have never spoke, my heart goes out to you....take all the time needed to mourn the loss of your dear friend.

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RITA218 7/24/2010 10:16PM

  We are with you in spirit. Grieve as you must and know that we will be awaiting your return. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ACIMPEGGY 7/24/2010 10:03PM

    Dear one, you have our love and prayers...

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IXCHEL23 7/24/2010 9:56PM

    emoticon and sorry for your loss. Do what you have to do, we will always be here.

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CMRAND54 7/24/2010 9:48PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't forget we are here if you need us.

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NEXT30YEARS 7/24/2010 9:42PM

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please return soon.

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PLB1967 7/24/2010 9:39PM

    Mourning is understandable. You are supposed to mourn, go silent, and go to a place where you can think your thoughts through. as the other post stated, we will be here when you return. Take care! emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 7/24/2010 9:36PM

    emoticon

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PURPLESPEDCOW 7/24/2010 9:34PM

    Mourn all you need to. Remember we will be here when you are ready to return. You have my thoughts, prayers, and sympathy. emoticon

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Thanks, VERNEJORDAN! (Another Story About SparkPeople Helping Each Other!)

Friday, July 23, 2010

Back on my virtual journey. I was surprised to learn it had been more than 30 days since I had calculated my distance. This means I walked past Eureka, CA on July 15 and did not even know it! I'm not getting in as much mileage thanks to the tendonitis, but I am already 9 miles further north on my way to Seattle. Seattle is about 480 miles north of Eureka. So what prompted me calculate it and continue? On my Walking off the Weight team, a member, VERNEJORDAN has been logging in a lot of miles every day. She inspired me. She also set a great example and I was a bit ashamed for being a slouch.

On top of that, there were several days this week when I ate too much and not wisely. Today, I had a trip to Burger King and had a good grilled chicken sandwich. I should not have had the fries. It was as if I were watching someone else eat them! When we got back to work, we found ourselves immediately in the ice cream social. Usually, I either skip it or have a small scoop and leave. Today, and this is really embarrassing to be honest, I had 5 scoops and chocolate sauce! WHAT was that all about?

I did not leave after the first 3 scoops. I hung out and talked to various people and it was not all work talk. Then, I walked away, went to a coworker's office to talk about a new procedure/form and, without thinking, came back through the breezeway where the social was. One of the scoopers beckoned me as if he wanted to say something to me and all the other scoopers started "selling" their flavors as if it were a competition! "I'll take one for the team!" I said.

WHAT?!

I am going to HATE what the scale says this Sunday morning, but I will deserve it.

Thanks to VERNEJORDAN for her consistency and for sharing it on the team message boards. It relit my desire to do the virtual walk. That aspect will help me work back into the rest of this journey.

I logged in all the food, I am being honest here - both actions are different from the past.

Even on a "down" day when you did not get as much accomplished as you wanted, the fact that you shared it is like reaching a hand out to someone else. Don't stop building your Spark community, don't stop sharing the roses and the thorns.

Rock on!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/24/2010 5:46PM

  Thanks for sharing your day with us. Hopefully you managed to put Burger King behind .. and have moved on. :)

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VERNEJORDAN 7/24/2010 4:12PM

    HiJUNEAU2010, It was great and very motivatng to read your blog!!! It had been hard to get up at 5AM to walk but I have been seeing great results and I feel better at work (the best side effect). Everyone I know has a lull in thier routine - so ready start go(again! :-)) I didn't walk today but got 30 minutes of cardio in this morning with my daughter when we visted the pool. She is taking swim lessons and wanted to practice her kicking. I was really bad for lunch as well! We had chicken stips and french fries..at least they were oven baked and not fried. Well..I am looking forwrd to posting and reading your posts on the virtual walking thread!! See you soon.
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LIBBYFITZ 7/24/2010 2:37PM

    Every meal is a new start! emoticon

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JHADZHIA 7/24/2010 12:29AM

    I splurged on some potato chips, but I also did a fast walk for an hour and ten minutes on the trails at Mom's before retiring for the evening. I had already done two hours exercise in the morning. So I hope I have got it covered. Should the day come I am unable to work off the extras, I will get rid of them.
Don't get discouraged by your injury, when it heals, you will be back to your old self..
Hugs

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CMRAND54 7/23/2010 11:52PM

    Being honest about what you eat is the first step towards changing your habits, so I applaud your honesty. I fell off the wagon this evening with some fish tacos at the Austin Grill. I enjoyed every bite, but I went way over on my calories. Well, we can both do better tomorrow.

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A Virtual Vacation

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I've been watching "Most Extreme Airports" on the History Channel as I've been sparking. The #1 most extreme airport is Lukla in Nepal. The airport is actually named for Sir Edmund Hilary and his sherpa guide, but they call it Lukla. The program was about the hazards of these various airports - mostly weather, approach, short runways or steep approaches. But I was touched by the explanation for this airport. Of course Hilary wanted to make it easier for the hikers to get to the base of the Himalayan mountain more quickly, but he built this airport more for the people of Nepal. He needed a way to fly in books for schools for the people. Quite humbling. Even today, the people there have not seen a car, but they have seen planes.

I did not feel well all day, but I stuck it out at work. I don't have much sick time left and there's still a lot of year left. Part of it was not wanting to do some of the drudgery that awaits, but I might have eaten something or be fighting a bug. I just felt crappy in an undefined way. When I have a bad tummy, I often eat in the hopes that the next thing will help me feel better. Along with that, I had the threat of a possible migraine.

I may end the day below in calories or above, I am not sure. I took a short walk at lunch. No cut grass, yay! But my leg was giving me warnings that the planned full walk might overdo it. This was not a manufactured excuse, it was real. I listened and I shortened the walk.

I could use a nice vacation, but there's no time or money. Seeing all these airports in nice sounding places was fun. But, as I watched the Lukla segment, I was humbled, reminded how blessed I am despite my bad habit of complaint and my own struggles. I really need to watch my attitude in all things...!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMRAND54 7/21/2010 8:59PM

    Hope you are feeling better soon.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/21/2010 9:10AM

  Sorry to hear you weren't feeling well. :( I hope you feel better soon.

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LIBBYFITZ 7/21/2010 9:03AM

    emoticonGet well soon. Here in Santiago the History channel is in Spanish, so the sooner I get learning the language the better! Sounds like a very interesting topic!

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JHADZHIA 7/21/2010 8:07AM

    So sorry you are not feeling well. I too, eat something in hopes of settling things down -my pasta actually did it. I hope you feel better soon.

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ACIMPEGGY 7/20/2010 10:57PM

    And we want to go to Hawaii, anyway. My mama went and told me of her pineapple plant tour where the water fountains spout fresh pineapple juice!

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The Call, 10 Calories et al

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I spent a couple of hours getting ready for The Call. Norma, our top lawyer (senior VP) wanted me in on the call with the requesting attorney to discuss the progress we've made in responding to his subpoena. I was very aware that this could make me or break me for future opportunities to do paralegal activities.

I went to her office just a few minutes early after an internal debate about going in earlier. She had forgotten about the call and, as I was briefing her on what I had found, the attorney called. Norma had me do most of the talking, but I deferred to her when he asked questions I could not answer. I told him we could duplicate the diskettes or burn onto CD. He asked if we would send the original diskettes to him for forensic copying after which he would return them. I was surprised, but she said that was ok.

During the call, he mentioned some other pieces of software. I recognized them, knew they were archived a long time ago. Then Norma told him that I have a lot of institutional knowledge because I have worked in the software center, the order center and am now in the legal department. As she went on, he said she'd be wise not to ever let me go. She said she doesn't intend that to happen.

I am not fooled. He's an attorney needing our help. Nothing that Norma said is cast in concrete. But, wow! That was nice to hear!

I took a short, short walk at lunch. They were cutting the grass, so I went back inside. I did end the day just shy of 10K steps, despite my tendonitis.

The day ended with me being 10 calories over, under in fat, over in carbs and....that probably is as good a metaphor for the day as any.

Thanks, everyone, for your wonderful comments on yesterday's blog. Carrying the mental image of a young girl through the day gave me a new zest. I pictured her walking hand in hand with me, skipping on the sidewalk. (I could not skip when I was little). As I drank my water, as I walked all over the campus, I told myself I was doing these things because I was taking care of her.

It was a good day!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAKEANDNELLIE 7/21/2010 11:42AM

    Having your hard work and expertise validated and acknowledged is so wonderful! I'm so proud of you and all you have accomplished since we first became friends.
Continue making your good choices and walking forward on this journey!
Stay positive!
Sheila

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JHADZHIA 7/21/2010 8:10AM

    Its always great to hear you are valued in your work! What a high!
You are doing so well to get that many steps in when you are still hurting!
You are just awesome!!

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ROX2013 7/20/2010 9:00PM

    So glad your meeting and research when so well! Of course we all know you can do it and will always do it well! emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/20/2010 8:14PM

  Good stuff. :)

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TEENY_BIKINI 7/20/2010 6:19PM

    You are awesome.

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SHOSHANADP 7/20/2010 6:13PM

    I hope that they follow through on the comment and keep you a long time (presuming that is what you wish). Sounds like you are a very valuable employee.

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CMRAND54 7/20/2010 2:07PM

    Wow, great job! You do sound like a really valuable employee. You have every right to be proud.

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NONIE_C 7/20/2010 1:34PM

    Congratulations on a successful moment in your new role!!! That must've felt so good!!! And well deserved too. And great job getting those steps in, even w/ the tendonitis - you're doing a fantastic job taking care of that little girl!
Hope you have another day filled with big and little successes today!
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LIBBYFITZ 7/20/2010 9:35AM

    emoticonWell done! emoticon

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CAROLYNINJOY1 7/20/2010 3:10AM

    Good job taking care of yourself on the job. Way to go.

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BEAR_GURL 7/20/2010 1:16AM

    What an interesting day! I'm SO proud of you for making good food choices; keep movin that gorgeous body, spreading the Spark and best wishes throughout your journey, sweetie: )


HUGS,

Melissa

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Carbo Load, Walking Wounded Little Girl and Admitting I Need Help

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I did not blog yesterday. I did not have much to say and I was so tired, I could hardly keep my eyes open. I didn't want to go to sleep, but I had zero energy.
We had pizza last night from Little Caesars. I ate four pieces, yes, four! It was as if I were watching me do that. Talk about mindless eating. I DID log it in and was stunned when I saw the calories.

Small wonder that the scale told me I gained nearly a pound this week. I was not surprised, I was not especially upset, but I did find myself getting angry over nothing later, so I guess that means there was some anger...

Then, today. I did not sleep well last night. I forgot that pizza sometimes gives me strange dreams. We had things to do but did not leave the house until 2:45 pm! Breakfast was a whopping 763 calories! Pancakes with 1% milk instead of water, banana and flaxseed in the batter and two turkey sausages. No syrup. Instead, I had canned pears blended to a sauce. I thought virtuously that I would eat carefully the rest of the day and end the day on target.

BUT

We went to Dairy Queen for lunch/dinner. I have not been there in decades. The grilled chicken sandwich was ok, but I would have asked them to leave off the mayo had I thought about it. The bread was "dead bread", the white bread with no value. I had some french fries even though I did not want them. I did not finish the serving, but that was not because I had suddenly regained my Spark. We split a medium chocolate super chocolate blizzard. I forget the name of it, but it was like a chocolate mousse and I had no business ever knowing what that tasted like. In years past, whether WW or Dr Phil, whatever food log I was using, I would not have put this in my log. But I did. I was amazed how much food I put away today!

I mentioned this in an email to a special sparkfriend. I said that I would have characterized this as a "transgression" in the past. I don't know how to characterize it now, but I refuse to call it "bad" or use any other negative terms. I am not a bad person and I will not live my life with "diet" thinking. Bless her heart! She answered me with comments that reminded me of something very important.

She used the analogy of taking care of a child. That reminded me that, a few years ago, I looked deep inside myself. The little girl inside me was not loved. She still craves love and attention. When I was doing things to nurture her, I was more confident, more positive and I treated me better.

So I will "act as if until it is." I will exercise, I will eat wisely, I will make choices as if I have rediscovered the Spark. I will do what I need to do for that unloved girl inside me. In doing those things, I am showing her that she is loved, that she is valuable, that she is worth the investment. By making these choices, I am validating her. In so doing, I am validating me. This gives that little girl inside permission to let go of all that crap and become the strong woman that I carry in a fragile way now. I have not worded this well, but fatigue is creaping in again.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 7/21/2010 8:16AM

    I am glad you had that friend to work through this! Visualization is very important to realizing. You have done very well expressing it in spite of being so tired. Heal the inner child and watch yourself grow. A lot of people need to do this. How we are shaped is how we were as children. I am going to love watching you grow.
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ROX2013 7/20/2010 9:05PM

    You are amazing!! Remembering but not beating yourself up over it is the hardest lesson anyone has to learn! emoticon emoticon

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007JERSEYGIRL 7/19/2010 11:07PM

    I think, in spite of all your food challenges, that you have come to a very powerful and useful and important conclusion about taking care of yourself! So all the power to you on your journey to take care of that little girl!!
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007JERSEYGIRL 7/19/2010 11:06PM

    I think, in spite of all your food challenges, that you have come to a very powerful and useful and important conclusion about taking care of yourself! So all the power to you on your journey to take care of that little girl!!
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CMRAND54 7/19/2010 10:32PM

    Thank you for this wonderful blog. You had some really good insights along with all the food! You'll be back on track soon, I know. You are an inspiration to us all.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/19/2010 8:31PM

  Good going for not being hard on yourself. :) You have such a great attitude.

Thanks for sharing.
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OUTDOORSWOMAN 7/19/2010 3:41PM

    You are worth it!! Keep loving yourself!!

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VICD25 7/19/2010 9:54AM

    Your perspective is TERRIFIC! I applaud you for recognizing your own growth! I love your message about you watching yourself eating the pizza. Sometimes I feel the exact same way.

I hope you feel loved here! WE are all here to support your choices.

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LIBBYFITZ 7/19/2010 9:53AM

    For someone who was tired that was a very well worded blog! emoticonYou worked out where you went and where you want to go. emoticon
emoticonfor opening up you're heart and allowing us on you're journey. emoticon

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JUST_SIMONE 7/19/2010 6:20AM

    Thank you for reminding me of the "act as if" which has been really helpful to me. I act as if I am not shy, I act as if I am confident, and I hope that they will become the truth.

Take care of that little girl in you and nurture her.

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NONIE_C 7/18/2010 11:51PM

    You are beautiful!!! I am so grateful to have you as a Spark Friend, and I am so glad we get to share in this journey together. Take it one day at a time, and remember that it is not a transgression because you are continuing forward; it is simply a minor slip-up. It is part of what you must do to learn and grow. And you are so right not to be mad at yourself, or feel guilty. You are perfect and wonderful, and deserve only support and encouragement...especially from yourself.
emoticon Nicole

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ACIMPEGGY 7/18/2010 11:33PM

    And you will get back on tract, but you will still overdo it another day, someday. We are human. We do deserve a treat day now and then.

I read a success story blog recently that told of a lady at goal (pretty young lady, too) who gave herself one day every week to, in her words, "eat what I want."

And she was at goal.

So the next time this happens, please enjoy every bite, only eat those bites you do enjoy...if the enjoyment ends quit immediately AND KEEP LOVING YOURSELF.
Do not feel guilty.

You know I am on A Course in Miracles, too. I feel we are children of God, created in His image...You are, too. And You are a beautiful, wonderful person...no matter what!

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NADJAZZ 7/18/2010 11:04PM

    I'm glad to see a happy ending to this blog! I've always believed in the philosophy of "act as if until it is", but never thought of it as nurturing the little girl inside. Your last paragraph is very deep and insightful! Thank you for sharing.

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NANNER2121 7/18/2010 10:56PM

    You have spoken loud and clear to the little girl inside of me. Guess mine also was crying out for attention. Thanks for opening up - and right in time for me too!
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KISSATESSA 7/18/2010 10:46PM

  Your words are very inspirational. Good for you for not being too hard on yourself after your day. Keep up your great attitude.

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LILPAT3 7/18/2010 10:46PM

    We all have to live a little and so you have...and perhaps too much. The beauty is, tomorrow is another day and you can do tomorrow what you put off doing today. emoticon

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