Saturday, July 24, 2010
Why is the sun shining? Why is it a gorgeous day? It should be raining, it should be cold and gloomy outside, just as my heart is. The roads and streets should be full of cracking ice, cracking as if glass. My heart feels shattered like ice or glass.
Ruby, my dear friend, how could this happen? I feel so badly that I did not know how dark your world had become. I did not believe the accusations about you. Anyone who knew you, anyone who spent time with you, anyone who loved you knew they were without foundation, that you had far too much integrity. Why did I not reassure you of my loyalty, my love, my trust, my confidence in you?
The years that we worked together were wonderful. You always appreciated my work, my willingness to put in any extra time you needed. As our friendship developed, I became rich. I just knew you would be a friend for life. Little did I know that yours would end far too soon.
Soon your father will bury another child, your husband is now alone and all of your cats will look for you. Your brothers will bury their sister and your nieces and nephews will have questions for the rest of their lives.
My heart is so heavy, I cannot bear the weight of this sorrow. A group of us will reunite at your funeral and how bitter that reunion will be. I cannot believe I will never hear your laugh, share a hug, or share a meal again. I love you, Ruby, and it hurts so badly that that was not enough.
To my Sparkfriends,
I don't know how active I will be on the site for the foreseeable future. I have no interest in tracking food, counting steps or cups of water. I don''t want to go through the motions as there is no integrity in that. On the other hand, as it was after Dad died, I went numb for a very long time. It was the cards and letters, the fact that people insisted on interacting with me that thawed that numbness. Eventually, I got past the stage when pain was the only feeling I could feel. When that is the only thing I could feel, that was the only way I knew I was alive. So it is now. I am not asking for y'all to fill my mail, comments or page, far from it. Please don't take my silence as judgment that you are not important or that I don't care. Right now, all I can do is cry and feel a crushing pain in my heart.
I don't know what else to say.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Back on my virtual journey. I was surprised to learn it had been more than 30 days since I had calculated my distance. This means I walked past Eureka, CA on July 15 and did not even know it! I'm not getting in as much mileage thanks to the tendonitis, but I am already 9 miles further north on my way to Seattle. Seattle is about 480 miles north of Eureka. So what prompted me calculate it and continue? On my Walking off the Weight team, a member, VERNEJORDAN has been logging in a lot of miles every day. She inspired me. She also set a great example and I was a bit ashamed for being a slouch.
On top of that, there were several days this week when I ate too much and not wisely. Today, I had a trip to Burger King and had a good grilled chicken sandwich. I should not have had the fries. It was as if I were watching someone else eat them! When we got back to work, we found ourselves immediately in the ice cream social. Usually, I either skip it or have a small scoop and leave. Today, and this is really embarrassing to be honest, I had 5 scoops and chocolate sauce! WHAT was that all about?
I did not leave after the first 3 scoops. I hung out and talked to various people and it was not all work talk. Then, I walked away, went to a coworker's office to talk about a new procedure/form and, without thinking, came back through the breezeway where the social was. One of the scoopers beckoned me as if he wanted to say something to me and all the other scoopers started "selling" their flavors as if it were a competition! "I'll take one for the team!" I said.
I am going to HATE what the scale says this Sunday morning, but I will deserve it.
Thanks to VERNEJORDAN for her consistency and for sharing it on the team message boards. It relit my desire to do the virtual walk. That aspect will help me work back into the rest of this journey.
I logged in all the food, I am being honest here - both actions are different from the past.
Even on a "down" day when you did not get as much accomplished as you wanted, the fact that you shared it is like reaching a hand out to someone else. Don't stop building your Spark community, don't stop sharing the roses and the thorns.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I've been watching "Most Extreme Airports" on the History Channel as I've been sparking. The #1 most extreme airport is Lukla in Nepal. The airport is actually named for Sir Edmund Hilary and his sherpa guide, but they call it Lukla. The program was about the hazards of these various airports - mostly weather, approach, short runways or steep approaches. But I was touched by the explanation for this airport. Of course Hilary wanted to make it easier for the hikers to get to the base of the Himalayan mountain more quickly, but he built this airport more for the people of Nepal. He needed a way to fly in books for schools for the people. Quite humbling. Even today, the people there have not seen a car, but they have seen planes.
I did not feel well all day, but I stuck it out at work. I don't have much sick time left and there's still a lot of year left. Part of it was not wanting to do some of the drudgery that awaits, but I might have eaten something or be fighting a bug. I just felt crappy in an undefined way. When I have a bad tummy, I often eat in the hopes that the next thing will help me feel better. Along with that, I had the threat of a possible migraine.
I may end the day below in calories or above, I am not sure. I took a short walk at lunch. No cut grass, yay! But my leg was giving me warnings that the planned full walk might overdo it. This was not a manufactured excuse, it was real. I listened and I shortened the walk.
I could use a nice vacation, but there's no time or money. Seeing all these airports in nice sounding places was fun. But, as I watched the Lukla segment, I was humbled, reminded how blessed I am despite my bad habit of complaint and my own struggles. I really need to watch my attitude in all things...!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I spent a couple of hours getting ready for The Call. Norma, our top lawyer (senior VP) wanted me in on the call with the requesting attorney to discuss the progress we've made in responding to his subpoena. I was very aware that this could make me or break me for future opportunities to do paralegal activities.
I went to her office just a few minutes early after an internal debate about going in earlier. She had forgotten about the call and, as I was briefing her on what I had found, the attorney called. Norma had me do most of the talking, but I deferred to her when he asked questions I could not answer. I told him we could duplicate the diskettes or burn onto CD. He asked if we would send the original diskettes to him for forensic copying after which he would return them. I was surprised, but she said that was ok.
During the call, he mentioned some other pieces of software. I recognized them, knew they were archived a long time ago. Then Norma told him that I have a lot of institutional knowledge because I have worked in the software center, the order center and am now in the legal department. As she went on, he said she'd be wise not to ever let me go. She said she doesn't intend that to happen.
I am not fooled. He's an attorney needing our help. Nothing that Norma said is cast in concrete. But, wow! That was nice to hear!
I took a short, short walk at lunch. They were cutting the grass, so I went back inside. I did end the day just shy of 10K steps, despite my tendonitis.
The day ended with me being 10 calories over, under in fat, over in carbs and....that probably is as good a metaphor for the day as any.
Thanks, everyone, for your wonderful comments on yesterday's blog. Carrying the mental image of a young girl through the day gave me a new zest. I pictured her walking hand in hand with me, skipping on the sidewalk. (I could not skip when I was little). As I drank my water, as I walked all over the campus, I told myself I was doing these things because I was taking care of her.
It was a good day!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I did not blog yesterday. I did not have much to say and I was so tired, I could hardly keep my eyes open. I didn't want to go to sleep, but I had zero energy.
We had pizza last night from Little Caesars. I ate four pieces, yes, four! It was as if I were watching me do that. Talk about mindless eating. I DID log it in and was stunned when I saw the calories.
Small wonder that the scale told me I gained nearly a pound this week. I was not surprised, I was not especially upset, but I did find myself getting angry over nothing later, so I guess that means there was some anger...
Then, today. I did not sleep well last night. I forgot that pizza sometimes gives me strange dreams. We had things to do but did not leave the house until 2:45 pm! Breakfast was a whopping 763 calories! Pancakes with 1% milk instead of water, banana and flaxseed in the batter and two turkey sausages. No syrup. Instead, I had canned pears blended to a sauce. I thought virtuously that I would eat carefully the rest of the day and end the day on target.
We went to Dairy Queen for lunch/dinner. I have not been there in decades. The grilled chicken sandwich was ok, but I would have asked them to leave off the mayo had I thought about it. The bread was "dead bread", the white bread with no value. I had some french fries even though I did not want them. I did not finish the serving, but that was not because I had suddenly regained my Spark. We split a medium chocolate super chocolate blizzard. I forget the name of it, but it was like a chocolate mousse and I had no business ever knowing what that tasted like. In years past, whether WW or Dr Phil, whatever food log I was using, I would not have put this in my log. But I did. I was amazed how much food I put away today!
I mentioned this in an email to a special sparkfriend. I said that I would have characterized this as a "transgression" in the past. I don't know how to characterize it now, but I refuse to call it "bad" or use any other negative terms. I am not a bad person and I will not live my life with "diet" thinking. Bless her heart! She answered me with comments that reminded me of something very important.
She used the analogy of taking care of a child. That reminded me that, a few years ago, I looked deep inside myself. The little girl inside me was not loved. She still craves love and attention. When I was doing things to nurture her, I was more confident, more positive and I treated me better.
So I will "act as if until it is." I will exercise, I will eat wisely, I will make choices as if I have rediscovered the Spark. I will do what I need to do for that unloved girl inside me. In doing those things, I am showing her that she is loved, that she is valuable, that she is worth the investment. By making these choices, I am validating her. In so doing, I am validating me. This gives that little girl inside permission to let go of all that crap and become the strong woman that I carry in a fragile way now. I have not worded this well, but fatigue is creaping in again.
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