Sunday, July 04, 2010
Happy Fourth of July!
Today, I stepped on the scale and saw a 2 pound gain. Lack of exercise (tendonitis), guessing instead of measuring, possible time of the month - all contributions to the result. Underlying it all is a lack of passion for this journey. I know this won't last, but it has gone on longer than I thought it would.
I put myself back on stage 1 in the hopes of reigniting the Spark. There is the matter of my Mahalo Party this week and the chocolate on chocolate cake at the end of the potluck.
I do not view this 2 pound gain as a defeat. It is a setback and I am disappointed, but it does not mark the end of my journey. No towel throwing here!
Taking stock. In a few weeks, I will have been on SP 6 months. I have not lost the pounds I thought I would by now. What I have gained, however, is worth more. I have made huge strides in dealing with emotional eating. I thought that was always going to be an element in my character. It may be, but it no longer rules.
Exercise is still not a habit, but I have made progress. I walk almost every day. Strength training is a chore that I have skipped for a few weeks. I have not worked up to a respectable amount. I did, however, do some bridges yesterday with greater success than ever before!
Water is a habit and a positive choice. I have taken shortcuts with food - sometimes I measure, sometimes I guess. I chafe at the need to measure!
My clothes give more of a positive result than the scale, as does the way I generally feel (tendonitis aside). My lower back does not hurt, my hip does not wake me up at night. Sometimes I can use the stairs, but find that, if I do not I can walk more steps on a daily basis. I've misplaced my tape measure, so I can't report on that.
I really thought I would be further along in every way by now. Perhaps the fact that that is not a crushing disappointment is a measure of the lack of Spark here.
Not sure how to end this. My humanity is showing, but I am becoming independent of the tyranny of my past relationship with food and my standoffish relationship with exercise.
The right way to end this is to give thanks to those who have served, who do serve and who have sacrificed so that this country is free. I will regret for my entire life the fact that I could not serve my country in uniform. As with most families, I come from a long line of veterans, so I honor service men and women and their families.
Thank you! I do not take my freedom for granted, today or any day!
Sunday, July 04, 2010
It sounds as if it's already the Fourth of July outside, even though it's after 10 pm. I love the Fourth of July, but I have never liked noise. Besides that, those bottle rockets and whatever else are illegal. I live in a mobile home park and I know that mobile homes are very flammable. I drive BF nuts because I insist on staying home for firework nights to keep an eye on things and be a calming presence for my cats.
Today did not start well. My tendonitis shows no sign of improving. That pain and stiffness was nothing compared to the emotions of the morning. (sigh). I guess it's time to share more about my life. BF does not work and our deal is that he is suppoed to do everything around the house so that I can just focus on work. This has never been my first choice, but it is a compromise position. He sometimes will do odd jobs if he needs money, but more often, I have given it (or he has taken it). But things are really tight, so I have not been doing so. He wanted money this morning.
I have a flash temper. Most people would say I am low key and calm, but that was not always the case. And money is one of those flash points. He has not been well and he said something that hit me wrong. I blew up and kept saying "no". But, to make a long story short, I eventually agreed to a lesser amount. Things escalated from there and he got what he wanted. Usually, as soon as I blow up, I calm down as if nothing happened. I was so angry this morning, I left and was gone for several hours.
He has been sulking and sleeping all day. Months from now, he will throw something about today back in my face.
What amazed me is that it never occured to me to start stuffing my face. Normally, or I should say, pre-SparkPeople, I would have polished off a ton of unhealthy food. I also told him how this kind of thing makes me feel. He thinks we are partners, I don't any more. I feel used, taken advantage of and this does a number on my self esteem. This time, what it did not do was add to my tonnage.
I cannot afford to leave and he has nowhere to go. Under California law, as I have been told, because it has been our residence for so long, even though my name is on the lease, I cannot evict BF. I still love him, but I am scared about the finances both now and the future.
I am drained!
Friday, July 02, 2010
I was craving something sweet last night, thinking chocolate thoughts because there will be chocolate on chocolate cake at my Mahalo Party next week. A piece of cantaloupe solved the craving - that has to be a first!
Today, I had some leftovers for lunch that I was not sure were still good, so I ate a Kashi bar instead. (I did not have money to go to the cafe and I have a drawer full of various bars) Then a friend offered me a quesadilla. It sounded good and I was hungry so I took it. When I saw it, I almost left it and I should have. that really blew my lunch calorie budget! And, since it was not satisfying, it was not worth it!
The tendonitis was REALLY bad today. I could hardly walk! The heel feels ok, a bit swollen and a bit of pain but not so bad as to be the full reason for my lack of mobility today. I don't understand it and I hate limping around as if I'm ancient! So not much happened for exercise today. As I sit here typing, it's throbbing.
My boss' boss, the guy who got me started in the paralegal program told me yesterday that I will be doing some paralegal work for the company. I think this falls into the category of "be careful what you wish for". I DO want to do the work and I want to increase my usefulness in the hopes that I will learn and earn and also protect my job. BUT it's going to be with the attorney who can be so belittling. We don't work well together. I will approach this as an opportunity to grow a thicker skin. She won't change, so I have to. It will be a challenge!
I am overly tired tonight, overly hungry tonight and just very glad to be home.
Thursday, July 01, 2010
No, I don't live in Canada, have never been there (luggage has been), but I know today is Canada Day and some of my SparkFriends are Canadian, so a shout out seemed appropriate.
An odd day - about 33 calories below range and pretty low on everything else. That means I over ate somehow. But I still feel hungry.
I am bone tired and overwhelmed. Some of that might be coming down off the adrenaline of graduation, the stress that the party change brought...It will pass.
I got 9811 steps in today and not much else. I've done little more than walking this week in an effort to allow the tendonitis to calm down. I know I need to get back to the strength training and everything else...
My party is still on, but we had to move it outside. That will be awkward, but a more important corporate meeting takes precedence for our only large conference room. Had I known it was a meeting with local people like the mayor, I would not have been stressed last night! The way it was explained was a simple case of too many people more than expected. I had reserved the room months ago and thought someone was exhibiting bad planning. I am SO glad I took the high road in my response and didn't reveal how I really felt! It seems that more and more, almost daily, I am reminded that I don't know the whole story. When I remember that, I am far less judgmental and far less likely to react badly to what could be perceived as attacks against me...!
Thanks, JakeandNellie and all of my Spark family - you have helped make this a week I won't soon forget!
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