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A Draining Day

Sunday, July 04, 2010

It sounds as if it's already the Fourth of July outside, even though it's after 10 pm. I love the Fourth of July, but I have never liked noise. Besides that, those bottle rockets and whatever else are illegal. I live in a mobile home park and I know that mobile homes are very flammable. I drive BF nuts because I insist on staying home for firework nights to keep an eye on things and be a calming presence for my cats.

Today did not start well. My tendonitis shows no sign of improving. That pain and stiffness was nothing compared to the emotions of the morning. (sigh). I guess it's time to share more about my life. BF does not work and our deal is that he is suppoed to do everything around the house so that I can just focus on work. This has never been my first choice, but it is a compromise position. He sometimes will do odd jobs if he needs money, but more often, I have given it (or he has taken it). But things are really tight, so I have not been doing so. He wanted money this morning.

I have a flash temper. Most people would say I am low key and calm, but that was not always the case. And money is one of those flash points. He has not been well and he said something that hit me wrong. I blew up and kept saying "no". But, to make a long story short, I eventually agreed to a lesser amount. Things escalated from there and he got what he wanted. Usually, as soon as I blow up, I calm down as if nothing happened. I was so angry this morning, I left and was gone for several hours.

He has been sulking and sleeping all day. Months from now, he will throw something about today back in my face.

What amazed me is that it never occured to me to start stuffing my face. Normally, or I should say, pre-SparkPeople, I would have polished off a ton of unhealthy food. I also told him how this kind of thing makes me feel. He thinks we are partners, I don't any more. I feel used, taken advantage of and this does a number on my self esteem. This time, what it did not do was add to my tonnage.

I cannot afford to leave and he has nowhere to go. Under California law, as I have been told, because it has been our residence for so long, even though my name is on the lease, I cannot evict BF. I still love him, but I am scared about the finances both now and the future.

I am drained!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 7/4/2010 9:25PM

    You are worth better than that. I think you are beginning to realize it. Not eating in response to stress is a great accomplishment. Be proud.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/4/2010 9:08AM


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LIBBYFITZ 7/4/2010 6:27AM

    There is definitley a lot happening in you're life. Do you have a financal cousellor you can go to? emoticon

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Status Last Night: "Chocolate Thoughts"

Friday, July 02, 2010

I was craving something sweet last night, thinking chocolate thoughts because there will be chocolate on chocolate cake at my Mahalo Party next week. A piece of cantaloupe solved the craving - that has to be a first!

Today, I had some leftovers for lunch that I was not sure were still good, so I ate a Kashi bar instead. (I did not have money to go to the cafe and I have a drawer full of various bars) Then a friend offered me a quesadilla. It sounded good and I was hungry so I took it. When I saw it, I almost left it and I should have. that really blew my lunch calorie budget! And, since it was not satisfying, it was not worth it!

The tendonitis was REALLY bad today. I could hardly walk! The heel feels ok, a bit swollen and a bit of pain but not so bad as to be the full reason for my lack of mobility today. I don't understand it and I hate limping around as if I'm ancient! So not much happened for exercise today. As I sit here typing, it's throbbing.

My boss' boss, the guy who got me started in the paralegal program told me yesterday that I will be doing some paralegal work for the company. I think this falls into the category of "be careful what you wish for". I DO want to do the work and I want to increase my usefulness in the hopes that I will learn and earn and also protect my job. BUT it's going to be with the attorney who can be so belittling. We don't work well together. I will approach this as an opportunity to grow a thicker skin. She won't change, so I have to. It will be a challenge!

I am overly tired tonight, overly hungry tonight and just very glad to be home.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 7/3/2010 7:46PM

    Your opportunity at work sounds good. It's a shame you don't always get along with that attorney, but maybe things will be better this time. Keep cool!

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LIBBYFITZ 7/3/2010 5:43AM

    That must be hard to be hungry and tired! emoticonI find it impossible to sleep whenI am hungry! emoticon

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VICD25 7/2/2010 11:31PM

    tough on the quesadilla. Cheese is my #1 downfall.
You alone know what it takes to get your tendonitis back on track so that you will feel better. Hope you find some time to pamper yourself this weekend.

Good luck on the assignment. Your growth through this journey has been so impressive. I'm sure you will tackle this project with the class and style we are used to from you!

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ROX2013 7/2/2010 11:28PM

    Sounds like your tendon is really acting up. Years ago I have a doctor tell me for a tendonitis problem to soak it in hot water (safe temp) for 10 minutes and then put in a bucket of cold water. It did help sometimes I now use a heat/cold pack that fits my heel and ankle when I need it. It is alot less messy than the bucket method. I know your party is going to be great party next week, have a great time. The atty who you will be working for, just remember that you control how her attitude affects you. Uusally a person like that is miserable in life and insecure. Just learn all you can and smile while doing it. That will really bug her! (LOL) emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/2/2010 10:21PM

  well, I hope you'll be able to relax sometime during the weekend. I am sorry to hear that your tendonitis is acting up on you.
:( Hopefully it will get better sooner than later. Take care of yourself woman!! REST UP! .. that's an order!! ;)


Comment edited on: 7/2/2010 10:21:46 PM

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MISSY455 7/2/2010 9:44PM

    Does ice help your tendonitis at all? I have a heal condition and when it gets painful I fill a 20 oz soda bottle with water and freeze it. Then sit and roll my foot back and forth over the bottle for about 20 to 30 minutes. It really helps my heal, if nothing else it numbs it. My doctor is the one that turned me on to this little trick. He knows I am not great about taking any medication.

Hope you have an enjoyable relaxing weekend.

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Oh, Canada!

Thursday, July 01, 2010

No, I don't live in Canada, have never been there (luggage has been), but I know today is Canada Day and some of my SparkFriends are Canadian, so a shout out seemed appropriate.

An odd day - about 33 calories below range and pretty low on everything else. That means I over ate somehow. But I still feel hungry.

I am bone tired and overwhelmed. Some of that might be coming down off the adrenaline of graduation, the stress that the party change brought...It will pass.

I got 9811 steps in today and not much else. I've done little more than walking this week in an effort to allow the tendonitis to calm down. I know I need to get back to the strength training and everything else...

My party is still on, but we had to move it outside. That will be awkward, but a more important corporate meeting takes precedence for our only large conference room. Had I known it was a meeting with local people like the mayor, I would not have been stressed last night! The way it was explained was a simple case of too many people more than expected. I had reserved the room months ago and thought someone was exhibiting bad planning. I am SO glad I took the high road in my response and didn't reveal how I really felt! It seems that more and more, almost daily, I am reminded that I don't know the whole story. When I remember that, I am far less judgmental and far less likely to react badly to what could be perceived as attacks against me...!

Thanks, JakeandNellie and all of my Spark family - you have helped make this a week I won't soon forget!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 7/2/2010 8:18PM

    Taking the high road is usually the best idea! I hope your party is as wonderful as you are.

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CHRISADONNER 7/2/2010 6:20PM

    Congratulations again. You are just doing an awesome job of taking contorl and doing what you want to do. Way to go!
emoticon emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 7/2/2010 1:02PM

    Awesome. You are rocking this and check out all of those steps. I am not so rigid with balancing my tracker every day anymore. I figure it all balances out in the end.

Great work.


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VICD25 7/2/2010 8:58AM

    You are ready to really enjoy your party regardless of where it will be! WTG!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/2/2010 8:19AM

  hahahaha...that was funny about you not having visit canada - but your luggage has...hope the weather is great for your party.

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LIBBYFITZ 7/2/2010 3:51AM

    You are doing well. give you're self a big pat on the back! emoticon

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JHADZHIA 7/2/2010 1:31AM

    Good for you showing restraint -not too many people can do that, and that, is, of course, when the other shoe drops...
Keeping my fingers crossed you have at least good weather for your outdoor venue!
Have a Fantastic Friday!!

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La Voz: Summa Cum Laude & Paralegal Duties

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I brought home the school newspaper last week and had never looked at it. BF read it today and discovered they'd published all the graduates' names with an * if they were Phi Theta Kappa honor students and a number 1, 2 or 3 for Summa, Magna or cum Laude. I was one of two students to have both * and 1! Out of 1900 graduates! I was floored! If only I had been that stellar a student when I was younger!

Matt and I made some headway on our treasure hunt. We have started setting up meetings with people who might have information and are chipping away at the search plan.

In the late afternoon, I went down to work on the drawn-out overtime project and ran into the VP of Legal. He was my boss when I started the Paralegal program, so I think very highly of him. He said he'd asked my current boss to give some time to the department. I will get to do some paralegal duties for one of the other attorneys. This attorney is one who is a bit abrasive, so I see this as an opportunity to learn from her and get a thicker skin...LOL.

Then I found out that a deadline that I thought was the 12th is tomorrow morning! Instant stress! I found myself thinking about chewing something (I didn't think long enough to figure out what I would have chewed), but I realized that it was the stress giving the trigger, drank some water and ignored it. Never did that before!

At the end of the day, I received an email from one of our technical folks. (Where I work, admin folks like me are on the low end of the totem and technical staff get the star treatment.). He was emailing to let me know that I need to relinquish the auditorium for my party so he can host a meeting. We have no other room nearly that size. But, his event is a corporate one, so I can't say no.

I was disappointed and could have gotten upset. Amazingly, I sat there are realized that "diet" thinking is the same thing. It's all or nothing thinking. I could have thought, "Since I can't have the auditorium, I might as well not do it at all!" but I replied that the company is generously letting me host my party there (it is just employees coming), but I know business comes first. The logistics will be a challenge, but........it won't defeat me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 7/1/2010 5:55PM

    Well done! It looks like you are dealing with you're stress in a very healthy way.

All the best for the party.

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VICD25 7/1/2010 5:51PM

    Congrats Madame Summa! And even better, congrats on your new found resiliency. You've come a long way, baby!


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JHADZHIA 7/1/2010 11:49AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
The news from you just gets better and better! Love to hear you are doing well with your program and are able to deal with set backs without resorting to emotional eating!!
You are an incredibly smart, talented woman! The sky is the limit for you!!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 7/1/2010 11:07AM

  That is emoticon that you didn't give into chewing on something and just had water. :)

You have such an amazing attitude... I really like reading your blogs. :)


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Treasure Hunt and Other Thoughts

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Amazingly, I had over 12K steps and that was with a short walk at lunch. I had a longer walk in the evening. Tomorrow will probably be a low step day - my tendonitis is threatening to really flare up.

This morning, I dropped my car off for service which meant taking my coworker to Le Boulanger for coffee and bagel. I had an "Everything" bagel that was really flavorful. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I was glad to treat my friend for her willingness to pick me up at the shop and bring me to work. The service is going to be very expensive, but it's all necessary. I talked to the tech later in the day and he says the rear-ending did not weaken my bumper, so the only thing I need to do is get the license plate light replaced. That will probably be the least expensive of all the repairs.

We had an "all hands" meeting at work today complete with bagels, eggs, bacon and hash browns. That is not normal, but was the result of some miscommunication. I took a bagel for lunch and had some eggs (I had not had any protein). I skipped the bacon, the hashbrowns and the OJ.

The treasure hunt is starting about the way I thought it would. No concrete facts yet, but the supervising attorney liked our list and action plan. We had something on there she had not thought of, so that was a brownie point. I just need to figure out some way to keep our student involved without him feeling that I am patronizing or controlling and, at the same time, present myself as someone worthy of a leadership role or more responsibility.

Thank you, EVERYONE, for the comments on my graduation photo and for your continued support! I would not succeed in this journey without your support!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 6/30/2010 7:53PM

    Congratulations on making such good choices. A treasure hunt sounds interesting. You'll have to keep us posted.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/30/2010 11:06AM

  Oooohh Bagels. Yum Yum. :) Good luck on your treasure hunt.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 6/30/2010 9:53AM

    You continue to make good choices as you move through your days!
The student you are working with is lucky to have someone who cares about his feelings and goals as he learns!
You are a wonderful person who always radiates care and compassion for others.
Stay positive!

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VICD25 6/30/2010 9:46AM

    Whew! Lots going on. However, sounds like work is going better for you!

Thanks for sharing.

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JHADZHIA 6/30/2010 1:48AM

    I get these mini whole wheat bagels, no cream cheese, just almond butter with honey.
You are going places!! Keep up the great work! I love to hear about your successes!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NISA-JOE 6/30/2010 1:28AM

    Bagels... I haven't had one in ages. I love bagels but they're so hard to get in my country.

I just had my car serviced too earlier this month. That really dug a whole in my wallet but yup, it's necessary!

Good luck on your treasure hunt! emoticon

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ROX2013 6/29/2010 11:54PM

    Sounds like slowing down is not a option right now! Loved your grad. picture. It looks like your grin could light up the room! Again, congradulations! Sounds like you are ready for your party, it will be a great time I am sure. emoticon

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JAVALOVERTOO 6/29/2010 11:10PM

    Oh I love bagels! And emoticon on resisting the other things emoticon

Car services are a necessary evil emoticonwe have one that needs to go in, not looking forward to that.

Best wishes with the work stuff. emoticon

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