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Is the Volvo a Sign of a Brighter Tomorrow?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Virtual journey update: about 50 miles from Eureka, moving slowly, kind of burnt out and disinterested.

I realized today that I really don't like my present work situation, realized on a different level. Last week, I mentioned about the attorney chewing me out one day and being almost too nice the next. When she was chewing me out, she said I would never survive working in a law firm, that they'd chew me up and spit me out. Then she backtracked and said I could handle it, but you can't unsay something like that. I mentioned the conversation to my mentor, who is a practicing attorney and he was dumbfounded and disagreed with her.

Today she emailed me about a project I'm doing for her. I suppose she was just asking when it will be done, but it did not come across that way. Part of that is just the stiffness of email, part of it is that my hackles raised. So I kept my answer very short and to the point. Not terse or rude, just matter of fact. Her response was rather terse, but that could be just email. I probably should have called her, but didn't think of that until just now. I told her that I had taken some time off from the project because of school finishing up, the medical procedure that made me feel like crap for a week... This project is the one that I can do only on overtime. Glad to have it, but after that interaction last week, I am a bit gunshy about being anywhere near her! This is probably in the "just do it" category.

I was surprised to see my pedometer said I got over 7K steps today. I could hardly move due to the flareup of the tedonitis. On top of that, I have a really sore back for no known reason. It hurts to breathe! It's a sore area above my bra strap that aches if I breathe more than shallowly. It will pass.

I am trying to eat on the low end of the scale this week because Saturday is graduation day with a celebration lunch. That is the bright spot in a rather bleak week. I am a bit burnt out, unable to exercise, unenthusiastic in everything, stressed about work and finances.

I don't have the money to rev up my wardrobe for job hunting, am not ready for that job, but feel that the job of job hunting will be upon me soon.

However, I saw a car on the way home that made me think of Dad. When I first met him, he drove an older Volvo coupe that was a grey poupon color. The car I saw today was the same model and year, but a bright white. Not sure how much stock I put into "signs", but it did lift my spirits to see the car and think of him!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 6/22/2010 9:02PM

    Lets hope that Volvo was a sign of good things to come for you!
At least the schooling is finally over, and that stress will be over. Do enjoy your grad and don't worry about the weight and food. You only get to graduate once! Have fun!

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VICD25 6/22/2010 3:46PM

    I don't know about signs either, but there are a number of things that make me thing of my long past dad and make me smile. I often stop in the middle of something I'm doing and say, "would dad be proud of me right now?" Makes me stand up straighter and smile nicer!!

Maybe thinking of your dad will give you some courage in your work situation.

Good luck!
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NISA-JOE 6/22/2010 3:05AM

    Life is tough on us sometimes. But when I read your blogs, I am always amazed. I think you are a strong person to be able to stay grounded in any situation.
Yup, sometimes e-mails can seem stiff and rude even when not intended, but I guess there is no excuse for the attorney saying what she said before.

I hope you have a great time at the graduation lunch!
Congratulations again, and hope you have a great day ahead.
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Father's Day 2010

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Today was the fifth year without my dad, but it was not a terrible day. I tried not to think about the calendar and was not online much because I didn't want to see "Happy Fathers Day!" everywhere. I'm not bitter, there are just some days (Fathers Day is not always one) when I know I just don't want to examine that pain.

I finished my final exam this morning. I knew it would not be arduous, but I am glad I did not wait until the last moment to work on it. With my 4.0 GPA on the line, I did not want to be casual with my answers. It is a take-home open book test, the teacher is a sitting judge, so I knew my answers need to be precise.

Then BF needed a ride to the pharmacy to get some prescriptions. He thought they were prepaid, but they were not, he was lucky I was with him to pay for it. The money situation is a huge reason why I don't sleep. I used to have a part time job in addition to the fulltime job, but was laid off last fall. I thought I would try to see how it would work for me to just hold one job while finishing school, but things have only gotten worse.

So I suppose I'd better start looking again. The credit card companies are all promising to raise my interest rates and minimum payments. There is not a lot of wiggle room, so I am scared. BF is not about to start working, his health won't stand it and he does not have a strong work history, so even if it were the best of times, he would have trouble.

Those of you who pray, please add BF to your list. He is on some powerful meds and they knock him out of commission. He has a lot of health problems and, to top that, his depression amplifies things. It is very tough to watch.

I wanted to walk today, but I did not. I decided to take care of my tendonitis and did not do any more than I had to today. For the past week, it has hurt even while I've been sitting. This evening, I am sitting and the burning pain is absent.

My nutritional numbers are low, but not too low. I need to be very careful this week because Saturday is graduation day. After the morning ceremony, a group of us are going to lunch at Black Bear Diner.

SparkPeople reports I lost 2 pounds this week. The rounding is reporting a better number. I actually lost 1.6 and I am not complaining!

Thank you for all the comments on my page, blogs and thanks for the goodies. I hope to find a less stressful week andd touch base individually, but I crave your indulgence in the meantime!

I met Dad when I was 13, during the summer before 8th grade. He had remarried and my younger brother was a year old. My stepmother is a wonderful person, though I did not think so then. Two weeks after I met Dad, my older brother died while saving another boy during a boy scout outing. My relationship with my mother, stepfather and sisters ended when she sent me to live with Dad. (Mother's choice) Thanks to Facebook, I have a tiny bit of contact with one sister and with three nieces and two nephews I've never met. Mother was abusive to me in many ways and, to this day, I believe that, had I not gone to live with Dad, she would have killed me by the time I was 18. Either that, or I would have run away and, not having any street smarts, I would not have survived.

In many, many ways, Dad is my hero. I worshipped the ground he walked on until I reached 18. Then, I thought I knew it all. After a few years of living, I grew up and our relationship was even better than it had been. I have no regrets insofar as that is concerned.

Dad had prostate cancer. He knew for 2 years that something was wrong before he went to the doctor. He had a couple of years of chemo. I thought things were going well, but it was the bone cancer following on the prostate cancer that got him. At the time, my youngest sister had a boy and was about 8 months pregnant. My younger brother, who was the baby when I met Dad, had a son. Both boys were still little (2 and 1). Now there is one more boy (the baby my sister was carrying) and a little girl. Dad has missed out on being Bestifar (grandfather in Norwegian) to his own grandchildren. He was a man of his generation - not going to the doctor, not talking about anything, but it cost his life in the end. It cost him having the chance to know his grandchildren. I am no longer bitter about his choice, but I am sad at the waste.

Plus, I just miss him! If he were alive and we were to spend the day together, we would probably sit and talk about nothing and everything in between putting our noses in books! In fact, I would have given him something new to read and he would have started reading it as soon he unwrapped it!

If I could say anything, I would encourage those who still have fathers or father figures, no matter what the relationship flaws there may be, treasure the time you have. Say or do what you can to mend fences because there is nothing like living with regret. My sister did not mend her fences with Dad (and they did have good reasons to have a breakdown in communication) and now she has that hole in her heart.

The other thing I would say is encourage the men in your life to get prostate and breast cancer screening. The second may surprise you, but men do get breast cancer. It is more likely to kill a man than a woman simply because of delayed diagnosis. My landlord died of breast cancer. Like my dad, he was of the age where no one talked about health. He was embarrassed, embarrassed!, that he had breast cancer and he was dead within a year.

Sorry to end on a down note. I was not headed there when I started.

Rest in peace, Dad! Love without end.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/21/2010 5:09PM

  I will pray for your BF.

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STARSFORME 6/21/2010 3:35PM

    emoticon

You're going through so much right now. You should be proud of yourself for still standing, much more that you are still eating right and staying fit! AND keeping a 4.0 on top of that. I just took a deep breath just thinking about the stress!

I lost my Mom, so I know how you feel. I also lost my feline baby, which hurts as much as losing a human baby. Loss is a part of life, I guess. I'll lose my Dad eventually, but until then, I'm going to spoil him every Father's Day I get to. :)

Keep smiling...and mean it. Life will smile back.

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TURQUOISELOTUS 6/21/2010 11:04AM

    Keeping your BF in my meditations, and wishing you good luck on your exam. Well, not luck, as luck has nothing to do with it, but... you know what I mean...

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. Holidays are hard,indeed...for me, too, as my Dad was the one person I could count on and whose love I was certain of. I miss him every day, but I keep an altar for my ancestors and he has a place of honour!

Take care of yourself!

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LIBBYFITZ 6/21/2010 6:22AM

    Thank you for sharing. We all have our journey's in life and from what I have read there is a fair bit of loss in yours. I am so glad you were able to open up you're heart to you're Sparkfriends. You are correct re breast cancer in men, it certainly does happen and it is sad that you're dad didn't say or do any thing about his prostate.

My FIL was the same, he had a history of heart disease as a very young man post WW2 and when I started my nursing training and realized how unwell he was I predicted that he would not live long as he was not prepared to change his life style. He gave up smoking 6 weeks before he died suddenly of a massive heart attack at the age of 59!

My MIL is still alive and has been a widow since 1984! He got to see our firstborn at 20months of age and thankfully we have a 'photo of him with both of his grandfather's.

So sad for us left to realize how much they have missed out on and that is why we are here on Sparke trying hard to get and keep fit and well to enjoy a long life.

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NISA-JOE 6/21/2010 1:45AM

    I'll keep you and your BF in my prayers... emoticon

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MICHELLENRGZED 6/20/2010 11:17PM

    emoticon Praying for your BF, as well as for your own comfort & strength, as I know his health issues affect you because you care so deeply for & about him.

I'm glad for you that you've found ways to be strong in times that could potentially be hard for you. Of course you miss your dad, & you know how to take care of yourself on days that could be bad for you. Good for you for looking after yourself in this way. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/20/2010 11:19:13 PM

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Apprehensive About Tomorrow

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Tendonitis flared up again. My heel has been sore most of the week, but I thought it was manageable. Today, I am really hobbled, so no real exercise today. Just going grocery shopping was too much!

I tried on my dresses that I bought for graduation and the party. I did not remember that they are not identical patterns. They are identical prints, one in red and the other in blue. The red is a halter dress and is almost ankle length. The blue is a regular sundress with straps and the skirt falls to the calf. The red one is a bit more form fitting, but the bodice fits better on it than on the blue one. The blue one is just a tad big up top, and that, I assure you, is a novelty! Right now, I'm thinking I'll wear the red under my cap and gown for graduation day and the blue for the party.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Dad died 02/13/2005. Some days I can handle it, others not. I am glad I have the final exam to do tomorrow. This will not a a year when father's day will be easy. But I won't drown my loss with carbs!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JAKEANDNELLIE 6/20/2010 4:21PM

    Please - post a picture of you at your graduation and/or party if at all possible! We want to celebrate those wonderful moments with you!
Sheila

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/20/2010 11:21AM

  congrats on your graduation. :) good luck on your last exam.

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JAZZERCISEGENIE 6/20/2010 9:35AM

    yes when your parents are not here anymore holidays and birthdays take on a new meaning. My dad dies 1965 mom 1988. Good luck with graduation

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JHADZHIA 6/20/2010 7:08AM

    Sorry for your loss of your father. Good luck with your exam. Nonie's idea is excellent. Remember the good times you had with your father with your closest relative who is also suffering.
Iburprofen can help with tendonitis.
You are in my thought. Pulling for you to make it through this day.
Hugs!

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_MAOMAO_ 6/20/2010 2:10AM

  Congratulations on your graduation! Remember how proud your dad would be, too.
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I lost my Dad 5 1/2 years ago, I so understand. It's rough. I'll think about you tomorrow, and everyone else who's lost their dads.
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LIBBYFITZ 6/20/2010 2:07AM

    All the best for the graduation . Sorry about you're dad. The collage idea sounds fantastic. Look forward to seeing some graduation photos. emoticon

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NONIE_C 6/20/2010 1:34AM

    I hope you'll consider posting some pics of you in your awesome dresses. I'm so excited for you!!!!

I'm also glad that you'll be busy tomorrow, but rather than focus on the loss of your dad, why not spend some time celebrating him. Make a list of all your favorite memories, build a collage to honor him, exchange happy/funny stories about him with someone else who loved him...and keep the carbs out of sight : )

Keeping you in my thoughts
emoticonNicole

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MICHELLENRGZED 6/20/2010 1:11AM

    I hope all goes well with the grad! :)

I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your father. I'm praying for you that you'll find some comfort & that you will abstain from carb therapy.

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MUSIC66 6/20/2010 12:57AM

    all the best for your graduation .

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BEAR_GURL 6/20/2010 12:53AM

    Best wishes and know that your will be in my thoughts; hang in there and remember, you are NOT alone!


HUGS: )

Melissa

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Passage to India

Friday, June 18, 2010

After I blogged yesterday, I continued to eat and I ended up eating about 15 calories above goal. I didn't want to log them in, but I had just seen a post about being honest in the food tracker.

Today, I woke up HUNGRY! I forgot that lunch was a celebratory lunch at Passage to India, an Indian buffet. I entered everything as well as I could and discovered that I ate about two max days of calories! YIKES! One of my supervising attorneys took me out to celebrate my pending graduation. A former employee joined us which was nice but awkward.

Despite great intentions, I did not get enough sleep last night and today was terrible.

I'm glad I am not stuck in "diet" thinking or I would be hating me right now. Plus, today's blowout would be the perfect excuse to give up and continue eating.
Not this time. I get to start again tomorrow!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 6/20/2010 12:45AM

    Yes it is so easy to say "oh well i have blown it now might as well keep going", much harder to say "tomorrow is a new day!" Well done to you for being honest with you're tracking, you are accountable to you. So it helps as you can see at times there is a pattern of going off track and then hopefully you can change things. emoticon emoticon

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JHADZHIA 6/19/2010 1:03PM

    I love Indian food. Hope you did enjoy it!
You do have the right attitude. You know you blew but you didn't get into a funk. Here is to getting back on track, and working those extra calories off! You can do it!
Enjoy your weekend!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/19/2010 10:22AM

  emoticon love the positive attitude about starting again today. emoticon

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QUORNDAWG 6/19/2010 1:09AM

    not sure how this double-posted... emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/19/2010 1:10:58 AM

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QUORNDAWG 6/19/2010 1:09AM

    Ooooooooooooooooooh. Love Indian food. If I have it it's on Saturday. After my weigh in. Give me the rest of the week to recover.

Naan is my biggest downfall there.

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LUNADRAGON 6/19/2010 1:04AM

    Isn't it a blessing that each day provides a new beginning. You can forgive yourself and get back on track. And enjoy the fact that you got to enjoy a scrumptious dinner with great company, and celebrate your graduation!
Congratulations!
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MICHELLENRGZED 6/19/2010 12:53AM

    That's right! "Tomorrow's fresh with no mistakes in it yet" - "Anne Of Green Gables."

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Sleep is the Key

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I stayed within range for most nutritional metrics, did not walk as much as I thought I would.

It was a sluggish day. The day dragged on and I was TIRED.

I am discovering that sleep really is more important than the way I live it.

YAWN!

Tonight, to bed earlier and tomorrow should be more productive!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TIBURONA 6/18/2010 3:17PM

    Lack of sleep wrecks havoc your hunger and stress hormones. Couple that with the fatigue from not resting and one sets themselves up for some less mentally & physically productive days.

Beyond nutritional and exercise metrics, quality sleep is one key to a healthful lifestyle. Be sure to get some every night.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/18/2010 1:07PM

  need to zzzz a lot to have great days. ;) i try to get 7 each night... but, usually end up with 6. zzzzz. hopefully you got enough sleep to make friday a great day for you! :)

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SSCHULTZ59 6/18/2010 11:54AM

    NaNight.. sweet dreams.. emoticon emoticon

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MOM2PACO 6/18/2010 11:44AM

    Sleep tight! 7-8 hours hopefully!

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JHADZHIA 6/18/2010 7:35AM

    I know sleep is important to a healthy lifestyle. I probably wouldn't have to work quite as hard as I do at maintaining if I could only ever get a good night's sleep. 3-4 every day just doesn't cut it. It sure made it slow for me to lose weight in the first place as well.
I hope you can get a good sleep. Sweet Dreams!

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ROX2013 6/18/2010 1:19AM

    emoticon Sleep of 7 hrs or more is what I am finding I can't live without! Sleep tight!

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VICD25 6/17/2010 11:20PM

    Nighty Night!

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DJ4HEALTH 6/17/2010 11:15PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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NISA-JOE 6/17/2010 10:35PM

    Sleep well! emoticon

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