Tuesday, June 22, 2010
This morning, someone brought in doughnuts. I love cake doughnuts. I love chocolate cake doughnuts. I love doughnuts. It was almost noon when I learned about the doughnuts and I did not have any carbo planned in my lunch. I could have had the last cake doughnut that was subliminally calling my name. I had room in my nutrition metrics.
Thank goodness for the nutrition section in SparkPeople. I saw the calories for the doughnut and decided my Kashi bar would be a better choice. I really, honestly, enjoyed that Kashi bar, too! I did not fully form the thought in my head, but I knew this was a decision point. Yes, I could "afford" the doughnut, but I deserved something that is more nutritionally beneficial.
Today is my paternal grandmother's wedding anniversary to her 3rd husband, the one I knew best. They are both long gone, but I cannot help but remember the date. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my aunt's death. She died 6 years before I was born and I am named after her. Either today or tomorrow is the 29th anniversary of my older brother's death. (We don't know for sure because he drowned on a camping trip while saving another Boy Scout's life) I am the only family member who remembers these dates. This week is not a sad week most years, but it is a week of remembrance. Such is the case this year.
Today, I received an email that blazed through my day. My sister filed for divorce this morning. They had been married just over 10 years (anniversary last month). They have 3 children, the eldest of which is seven. They are both teachers and she is the major breadwinner despite his PhD. Late this afternoon, she called me. It was so good to hear her voice! She is fragile and strong at the same time. She says now we will be able to talk more often. My heart hurts for her. They will tell the children on Saturday, she thinks, and he will move out early next week. Just unhappy and ugly. But I am so proud of her for making the decision she thinks is right for the children and for her. I am older, but I wish I could follow her example!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Virtual journey update: about 50 miles from Eureka, moving slowly, kind of burnt out and disinterested.
I realized today that I really don't like my present work situation, realized on a different level. Last week, I mentioned about the attorney chewing me out one day and being almost too nice the next. When she was chewing me out, she said I would never survive working in a law firm, that they'd chew me up and spit me out. Then she backtracked and said I could handle it, but you can't unsay something like that. I mentioned the conversation to my mentor, who is a practicing attorney and he was dumbfounded and disagreed with her.
Today she emailed me about a project I'm doing for her. I suppose she was just asking when it will be done, but it did not come across that way. Part of that is just the stiffness of email, part of it is that my hackles raised. So I kept my answer very short and to the point. Not terse or rude, just matter of fact. Her response was rather terse, but that could be just email. I probably should have called her, but didn't think of that until just now. I told her that I had taken some time off from the project because of school finishing up, the medical procedure that made me feel like crap for a week... This project is the one that I can do only on overtime. Glad to have it, but after that interaction last week, I am a bit gunshy about being anywhere near her! This is probably in the "just do it" category.
I was surprised to see my pedometer said I got over 7K steps today. I could hardly move due to the flareup of the tedonitis. On top of that, I have a really sore back for no known reason. It hurts to breathe! It's a sore area above my bra strap that aches if I breathe more than shallowly. It will pass.
I am trying to eat on the low end of the scale this week because Saturday is graduation day with a celebration lunch. That is the bright spot in a rather bleak week. I am a bit burnt out, unable to exercise, unenthusiastic in everything, stressed about work and finances.
I don't have the money to rev up my wardrobe for job hunting, am not ready for that job, but feel that the job of job hunting will be upon me soon.
However, I saw a car on the way home that made me think of Dad. When I first met him, he drove an older Volvo coupe that was a grey poupon color. The car I saw today was the same model and year, but a bright white. Not sure how much stock I put into "signs", but it did lift my spirits to see the car and think of him!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Today was the fifth year without my dad, but it was not a terrible day. I tried not to think about the calendar and was not online much because I didn't want to see "Happy Fathers Day!" everywhere. I'm not bitter, there are just some days (Fathers Day is not always one) when I know I just don't want to examine that pain.
I finished my final exam this morning. I knew it would not be arduous, but I am glad I did not wait until the last moment to work on it. With my 4.0 GPA on the line, I did not want to be casual with my answers. It is a take-home open book test, the teacher is a sitting judge, so I knew my answers need to be precise.
Then BF needed a ride to the pharmacy to get some prescriptions. He thought they were prepaid, but they were not, he was lucky I was with him to pay for it. The money situation is a huge reason why I don't sleep. I used to have a part time job in addition to the fulltime job, but was laid off last fall. I thought I would try to see how it would work for me to just hold one job while finishing school, but things have only gotten worse.
So I suppose I'd better start looking again. The credit card companies are all promising to raise my interest rates and minimum payments. There is not a lot of wiggle room, so I am scared. BF is not about to start working, his health won't stand it and he does not have a strong work history, so even if it were the best of times, he would have trouble.
Those of you who pray, please add BF to your list. He is on some powerful meds and they knock him out of commission. He has a lot of health problems and, to top that, his depression amplifies things. It is very tough to watch.
I wanted to walk today, but I did not. I decided to take care of my tendonitis and did not do any more than I had to today. For the past week, it has hurt even while I've been sitting. This evening, I am sitting and the burning pain is absent.
My nutritional numbers are low, but not too low. I need to be very careful this week because Saturday is graduation day. After the morning ceremony, a group of us are going to lunch at Black Bear Diner.
SparkPeople reports I lost 2 pounds this week. The rounding is reporting a better number. I actually lost 1.6 and I am not complaining!
Thank you for all the comments on my page, blogs and thanks for the goodies. I hope to find a less stressful week andd touch base individually, but I crave your indulgence in the meantime!
I met Dad when I was 13, during the summer before 8th grade. He had remarried and my younger brother was a year old. My stepmother is a wonderful person, though I did not think so then. Two weeks after I met Dad, my older brother died while saving another boy during a boy scout outing. My relationship with my mother, stepfather and sisters ended when she sent me to live with Dad. (Mother's choice) Thanks to Facebook, I have a tiny bit of contact with one sister and with three nieces and two nephews I've never met. Mother was abusive to me in many ways and, to this day, I believe that, had I not gone to live with Dad, she would have killed me by the time I was 18. Either that, or I would have run away and, not having any street smarts, I would not have survived.
In many, many ways, Dad is my hero. I worshipped the ground he walked on until I reached 18. Then, I thought I knew it all. After a few years of living, I grew up and our relationship was even better than it had been. I have no regrets insofar as that is concerned.
Dad had prostate cancer. He knew for 2 years that something was wrong before he went to the doctor. He had a couple of years of chemo. I thought things were going well, but it was the bone cancer following on the prostate cancer that got him. At the time, my youngest sister had a boy and was about 8 months pregnant. My younger brother, who was the baby when I met Dad, had a son. Both boys were still little (2 and 1). Now there is one more boy (the baby my sister was carrying) and a little girl. Dad has missed out on being Bestifar (grandfather in Norwegian) to his own grandchildren. He was a man of his generation - not going to the doctor, not talking about anything, but it cost his life in the end. It cost him having the chance to know his grandchildren. I am no longer bitter about his choice, but I am sad at the waste.
Plus, I just miss him! If he were alive and we were to spend the day together, we would probably sit and talk about nothing and everything in between putting our noses in books! In fact, I would have given him something new to read and he would have started reading it as soon he unwrapped it!
If I could say anything, I would encourage those who still have fathers or father figures, no matter what the relationship flaws there may be, treasure the time you have. Say or do what you can to mend fences because there is nothing like living with regret. My sister did not mend her fences with Dad (and they did have good reasons to have a breakdown in communication) and now she has that hole in her heart.
The other thing I would say is encourage the men in your life to get prostate and breast cancer screening. The second may surprise you, but men do get breast cancer. It is more likely to kill a man than a woman simply because of delayed diagnosis. My landlord died of breast cancer. Like my dad, he was of the age where no one talked about health. He was embarrassed, embarrassed!, that he had breast cancer and he was dead within a year.
Sorry to end on a down note. I was not headed there when I started.
Rest in peace, Dad! Love without end.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tendonitis flared up again. My heel has been sore most of the week, but I thought it was manageable. Today, I am really hobbled, so no real exercise today. Just going grocery shopping was too much!
I tried on my dresses that I bought for graduation and the party. I did not remember that they are not identical patterns. They are identical prints, one in red and the other in blue. The red is a halter dress and is almost ankle length. The blue is a regular sundress with straps and the skirt falls to the calf. The red one is a bit more form fitting, but the bodice fits better on it than on the blue one. The blue one is just a tad big up top, and that, I assure you, is a novelty! Right now, I'm thinking I'll wear the red under my cap and gown for graduation day and the blue for the party.
Tomorrow is Father's Day. Dad died 02/13/2005. Some days I can handle it, others not. I am glad I have the final exam to do tomorrow. This will not a a year when father's day will be easy. But I won't drown my loss with carbs!
Friday, June 18, 2010
After I blogged yesterday, I continued to eat and I ended up eating about 15 calories above goal. I didn't want to log them in, but I had just seen a post about being honest in the food tracker.
Today, I woke up HUNGRY! I forgot that lunch was a celebratory lunch at Passage to India, an Indian buffet. I entered everything as well as I could and discovered that I ate about two max days of calories! YIKES! One of my supervising attorneys took me out to celebrate my pending graduation. A former employee joined us which was nice but awkward.
Despite great intentions, I did not get enough sleep last night and today was terrible.
I'm glad I am not stuck in "diet" thinking or I would be hating me right now. Plus, today's blowout would be the perfect excuse to give up and continue eating.
Not this time. I get to start again tomorrow!
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