JUNEAU2010   162,234
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Flag Day

Monday, June 14, 2010

My morning status note was "Happy Birthday, Diane". What I did not articulate was that, if she were alive, today she would be 55. We met when I was 18 and were hot and cold friends through the years, roommates a couple of times, and both times ended badly, but our friendship was repairing.

The weekend before my 39th birthday, we went out to scout apartments for her in a new town. She was being transferred, not happy about it, but glad to still have a job. We found some good options and made plans to get together the next weekend.

She did not call me on my birthday. While I noted that, I was not worried because we were going to see each other a few days later. The next day, her mother called me to say that Diane had died that night. Long story short - they think it was a blood clot that broke loose in her leg and killed her.

Diane had very little self esteem and, while only a few inches taller than me, was probably more than 200 pounds overweight. Seeing the pain that her early death caused should have been enough for me to change my life. But it, alone, was not enough.

I have lost several friends due to health problems related to weight issues.

I always remember that today is/was her birthday. This year, it did not make me stiffen my resolve to work harder and do better at this lifestyle change thing. My recognition was more passive.

In the afternoon, the proverbial stuff hit the fan and all thoughts about such routine things disappeared. I am innocent, but, given office politics, I am very nervous about the looming interrogation, verbal attacks and whatnot. I prayed all the way home that I do not lose my job over this snafu. The attorney I am dealing with now has a very belittling manner of speech when things are not straightforward. I bit my tongue when the thought came to mind "Should I resign?" Her boss, who used to be my boss, will either react reasonably, almost too calmly or he will erupt.

The other factor is the announcement earlier this month of the new CEO who takes the reins in late September. People are nervous about changes...

No walk today, but almost 10K steps. I stayed within range foodwise except for the usual low in calcium and, get this, low in fat!

The interesting thing is, and I just realized this, I would normally have started stuffing my face when the attorney called me about 6 times in 20 minutes. I have not done so and I won't...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 6/15/2010 9:08PM

    Hang in there & try to stay out of office politics. I hope things improve at work. At least you are getting your steps in and eating healthy.

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VICD25 6/15/2010 8:42PM

    Flag Day was the day my dad died. I wonder if I would remember the date (like you seem to for all your loved ones) if it hadn't occurred on this date. . .

Congrats on 10K AND your ability to manage through the abuse at work. . .

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ACIMPEGGY 6/15/2010 7:59PM

    It is so sad when we lose someone we love. I can only offer you this poem by Mary E. Frye:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 6/15/2010 6:40PM

    Good luck and stay strong through the turmoil at the office. That's one thing I definitely do not miss since I retired!
Don't you think your striving for a healthier life style honors Diane and your other friends who passed from weight-related issues. I do - they have helped you see how you need to improve your life and you are doing so.
Congrats on not turning to food - that's a true sign of your progress!
Stay positive!
Sheila emoticon

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JHADZHIA 6/15/2010 1:24PM

    It is a shame that Diane can't provide you with more motivation. But on the other hand, if you didn't binge when under stress, maybe there is, deep down, some motivation that you don't want to travel the same path she did.. You want to live a healthy life. Its there, in the back of your mind, you can do this. You can stick to it. 10,000 steps is pretty good for not taking a walk. Lol. Keep up the great work!!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/15/2010 8:47AM

  That's so sad about your friend, Diane. It's great that you remember her on her birthday like that.

Sometimes I'm low in fat too. Like *OMG* .. me low in fat? *LOL* Silly isn't? ;)

emoticon on not turning to food when the attorney called you so many times in such a short period of time. You are doing amazing!! :)

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BEACHFIT10 6/14/2010 11:38PM

    That is so sad about your friend. That is wonderful that you keep her in your memories on her special day.

Good luck with work- office politics are never fun, but you learn more through each experience. Great job keeping control of emotional eating during a stressful time, though. I really admire your self control, I struggle with that big time during times of stress.

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WINGSONME 6/14/2010 11:13PM

    Abig eye openner Thanks for sharing

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What Am I Doing? Where Am I Going?

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I gained 1.5 pounds this week. I should not have been surprised,but I am disappointed. Some of that was coming off of the colonoscopy. I did not expect to have trouble eating food AFTER the procedure and, after dropping 2 pounds because of the diet and fast, I should have expected to put some of that back on.

What else happened this week? I did not walk as much, I did not do much weight training (still hate it) and I was at the low end of water for several days. And there ws the pizza Friday night.

But this is all indicative of the larger problem. I have lost some of the drive with which I started this program. I am bored with the whole thing. At the same time, enough has changed within that I am not going to give up. Going back is not an option, but I need to rekindle the Spark in order to move forward effectively. It is not so much about the scale, though I should not be having this much of a problem when I still have 60+ pounds to lose!

So this week:
I am going to backpedal just a bit in order to keep moving forward.
8 glasses of water daily
5K steps every day
5 servings of fruit and vegetables
spend time on the motivational pages every day

To take some of the stress off -
work on my final paper draft today
(I wrote the first draft Friday and am letting it simmer in my mind before looking at it again)

I will do one thing every day on the mental list of things to do for the party
(most of that means buying gift cards)

Revisit the speech for the party and start working on that.

Plan food and wardrobe for the week this afternoon.

I need to think about what I am doing on SparkPeople and codify some of that, make it more concrete and manageable. I have been avoiding setting concrete goals because I don't want to fail again.

And now, it is time for me to get going with my day!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ACIMPEGGY 6/14/2010 1:22PM

    Ok, gf, we're all helping you, I hope, get motivated again. Part of SP is FRIENDSHIP. We'll get you Sparkly again, if you let us!

Great good luck on the speech. I'm sure your Toastmasters training will help there!

Complain to us, cry to us, then decide no more tears - just smiles and living in the moment. Imagine how good you'll look!


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BZYBOYSMOM 6/13/2010 11:46PM


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ROX2013 6/13/2010 11:38PM

    I have basically started over after having to stop all exercise so the Dr. could try and figure out what was going on with my blood pressure. I was having really bad headaches and eyesight problems. He has increase my meds and had me not do anything all week to give it time to work. I started on my treadmill today I am only allowed 2 hrs a day and no more than 2.5 miles. But it is a start. I have reaffirmed my goals, log in food plan each day, walk each day, drink 8 glasses of water (this is the hardest one for me) and get my salt intake down to 2300 mg or less a day. I almost decided to give up when this problem hit but now I am more determined to push forward than I was. Hang in there!! emoticon emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 6/13/2010 10:25PM

    I have been reading all the previous comments and I agree, if you don't feel like eating try having a smoothie instead. I don't do any strength training at the moment I am concentrating on exercise amd tracking my food and fluids accuratley. Do you track you're measurements? That helps as the weight may not move much but you're measurements will! I find that is what keeps me motivated! Hope this helps.

emoticon emoticon

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MISSY455 6/13/2010 10:11PM

    Part of the weight gain could be just water weight. If you feel like you need to go back and reconfirm goals, go for it. You will be successful, because you know you are worth the effort. Keep the faith and do what you can (no stressing!)

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/13/2010 3:37PM

  maybe you need to shake things up. just don't give up .. because you are worth it girl... and, you will succeed in everything you do because of who you are. :)


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CARRAND 6/13/2010 2:47PM

    You need to get back to basics. Reset your goals and stick with the calorie range they give you. Set up a realistic exercise plan that you can stick with. I only started exercising after I'd been doing the food tracking for 3 months (because of my broken ankle) and I only started strength training after I lost 50 pounds, 5 months after I started exercising. Now I love the exercising and the strength training, too. It's better not to try to do everything at once. I'm close to my goal now, and I've hit kind of a plateau, but I'm sticking with it. I am confident you will, too. You've come too far to give up on yourself now.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 6/13/2010 2:07PM

    I did that = I went back to Stage 1 and am carefully reading and thinking about/internalizing all the articles sent me.
As you know, I was stuck on a plateau - I had been losing steadily at 1500-1800 calories per day and then my doctor suggested I drop to 1250-1400. Of course, I took it to heart and ate at the low end of that range. Everything stalled, although I continued exercising daily. I finally changed it back to 1500 - 1880 a week ago today and ate around 1500 most days - everything else stayed the same. I lost 4 pounds this week! I've also discovered that it's extremely important for me to get the fat count in my range - I feel much better when I do.
I've saved the article that tells how much carb, protein, and fat you need at various calorie ranges if you want to make any changes in your nutrition tracker (they don't automatically change if you change the calories).
A lot of what you're going through is probably related to all the stress you've been experiencing too - work, school, medical. I finally quit stressing and obsessing about the scale not moving, and that's when it did.
Be kind to yourself - let your life settle down, get through graduation and the party and enjoy yourself.
You are a wonderful person and deserve only the best!
Stay positive,
Sheila emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/13/2010 2:08:01 PM

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BANKER-CHUCK 6/13/2010 12:20PM

    It is good that you are still sticking to the your program. However you sound bored. Maybe you need a change in your diet and routine, your workout etc. Maybe throw in more fun things!

One of the biggest items I see where you may be getting discouraged is your calorie intake. I looked at your food log and it appears you are not eating enough. Plus some days you don't even get over 1000 calories. From all my readings women need 1400 calories for BMR and men need 1500 calories. That is the minimums calories needed for your body to function properly.
Calculate your BMR and see where you should be.

Comment edited on: 6/13/2010 12:32:54 PM

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Stubbed My Toe on Pizza

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I am amazed my eyes are still open! I just got home from the company outing to see the San Francisco Giants host the Oakland Athletics. The Giants won 6-2! BF is an As fan, so it is always a good natured rivalry.

The ticket included dinner and the charter bus to the game for those who chose not to drive. Dinner was pizza and salad. I ate and ate and ate and ate. I was hungry for the first time in a very long time. I ate THREE pieces of pizza! Then I had a few spoonfuls of chocolate ice cream at the game. I don't quite know how to think about this yet. I don't feel guilt or regret, though I admit I may regret it on Sunday when I step on the scale. But I was hungry!

All the way home I thought about whether or not I would log in the food or just ignore SP. But I had to log in my steps, so..........I put it in. I was surprised to see I'd had over 2800 calories!

Tomorrow promises to be a busy day and I will try to stay on the low end of the calories.

I owe many comments and thoughts and responses to many of you. I hope to get caught up after I get some sleep. It is already past midnight!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEACHFIT10 6/13/2010 10:36AM

    Pizza is my Achilles heel. It is SO good, and man is it tempting to have more than I should- especially dessert pizzas. You seem to be in the right mindset regarding this setback- you learned from your mistake, and moved on.

Glad my blog was able to help you! Motivation is a daily struggle for me. I recommend following Megsfitness, she is a great motivator, as you can see from her comment on my blog.

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JAVALOVERTOO 6/12/2010 12:09PM

    Pizza is evil, but oh so good! It's good that you logged it and now you will just adjust and it will be fine. Glad you got to see a great game!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/12/2010 10:22AM

  ooooohhh pizza... is my weakness... i try to stay away from it as much as i can.

but, you tracked it... and you don't do it 'everyday' .. so it should be okay.

great to see you had a great time! :)

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ISHIIGIRL 6/12/2010 9:55AM

    Its ok to eat like that sometimes as long as its not a habit. When its a habit is when we find the scale moving consistently in the wrong direction. Don't stress too much about it. You had fun and that is what counts. Start fresh today.

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KAELIE 6/12/2010 9:42AM

  Just be sure to get the cheese off of your toes (lol)

Seriously, 3 pieces of pizza, in my previous life, that would have been the "starter". I think you did great, and you tracked it - that is awesome! I'd be sure to have lots of water today (to help with the sodium), but I think you did good girl!

Jakeandnellie has it right - it was a good day - you enjoyed friends, fun, and food. As you know, this healthy lifestyle change is far more than calories consumed. The journey isn't just about the destination :) Having fun and LIVING is what it's all about!

So glad you had a great time!

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JHADZHIA 6/12/2010 9:25AM

    We are allowed to treat ourselves once in a while. Just as long as its not on a regular basis. I have not had pizza yet, but its not from lack of wanting it. Just no one in my life is having it when I am around, too many healthy eaters lol.
Logging everything you eat is a must, its a good reminder of where we were and where we are going! Its nice to let loose and have some fun once in a while!
Enjoy your weekend!

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UNIBOK 6/12/2010 8:46AM

    If you are anything like me, before SP you would have had MORE than 3 pieces of that pizza. And definitely more than a few spoonfuls of ice cream. So I'd call that a success :-)

BTW, I love the new stadium! When I'm visiting family out west, we like to take the ferry from Marin right to the game. It's a great night out.

Glad you enjoyed yourself! You do deserve it, you know.

Your friend,

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CAHUNO2 6/12/2010 8:33AM

    Boy do I know that feeling!! emoticon Forget it! And have a good day and don't beat yourself up. emoticon

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LIBBYFITZ 6/12/2010 7:50AM

    Maybe next time you know you are going out try and fill up on healthy food so hopefully you won't need to eat as much of the high calorie food.


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FITKAT2010 6/12/2010 5:59AM

    It's too bad that social gatherings also have a lot of celebration using food that isn't good for us to eat. And we wonder why our country is so darn overweight and ill???

Next time prepare yourself, if you want to, and eat prior to the event.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 6/12/2010 3:03AM

    Today was a good day for you because you enjoyed friends, fun, and yes, food. You need to do this once in a while to feed your soul!
Besides, you had several days of not eating enough, so it will even out.
Stay positive,

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I Think I Screwed Up! Should I Start Over?!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Virtual journey update: 49.7 miles from Eureka (over 10K steps today WITH a sore heel)!

I aways try to get as many points as I can every day. Today, I read an article about the fitness tracker that I wish I had seen months ago. I think I have been gettting double credit for half the work, which is rather deflating. My pedometer differentiates between steps and moderate walking. I did not know until today that the SP tracker factors in routine walking. So I guess I have been over reporting my fitness minutes and getting false counts for burned calories. I know there is a variance between the tracker and the pedometer, so I have never focused on that.

Not sure what to do. Do I just record steps? Ignore steps and just log the moderate walking? I really don't get it! I guess that explains why I have been losing so slowly. I am just not active enough! I know that, but cannot do more than this right now. It bothers me to think of inaccuracy, but this will not make me stop walking or doing everything else I can.

Thank you, Sparkfriends, for all your support and love. You have helped me get through a very strange week!

I hope I may return the positive favor!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROX2013 6/13/2010 11:30PM

    It is still confusing for me on how to count walking, I only count my steps and miles when I do the treadmill. I wouldn't startover. It is a mistake we all probably make at one time or another. Just keep on walking!!!!

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BEAR_GURL 6/11/2010 11:30AM

    Can't say more than whats already been said, but stay positive and remember you are NOT alone: your SP pals have your back! I know that you CAN and WILL beat this: )



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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/11/2010 9:29AM

  I had a pedometer on my iphone and it went crazy on me.. started counting steps that I wasn't taking. :( I wouldn't start all over. ;)

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SSCHULTZ59 6/11/2010 8:53AM

    no need to start over.. just decide which you want to do and go from there. being as active as you can is good enough. I only track as excercise.. actual workouts. i figure all the walking i do for work, and every day life are free bees..

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LIBBYFITZ 6/11/2010 1:49AM

    Any walking that I do as an exercise I track on the saved routes that I walk.

My cardio on the cardio section. emoticon

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JHADZHIA 6/11/2010 12:25AM

    I had a Spark Coach tell me walking wasn't considered cardio exercise, and certainly every day walking is already accounted for in the basal metabolic rate of calories you burn every day. Cardio has to get your heart rate up into your fat burning workout zone. Most people don't walk fast enough for that. I don't walk slow, I try to race walk, which is cardio because it makes me sweat and breathe heavier. Otherwise walking doesn't do it as an exercise for me as I am so used to my heavy workouts with my DVD's and elliptical. It does kind of suck to be fitter because you have to keep pushing harder to burn fewer calories. Don't know how long my joints will keep up to all the pounding, I am starting to feel more and more aches. You would think I could just go to sleep and pass out for a good long time, but it never happens. A mystery to me for sure. I like exercising too much and can't really stand the thought of taking a day off, because its fun for me!
How ever you decide to track it, is really up to you. I think step counting is really best.

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MISSY455 6/10/2010 11:33PM

    I always track my steps in the top portion of the Fitness Tracker. Recording them there doesn't add anything to the lower portion or fitness points awarded. Then for the actual "walking" portion I enter my mileage under cardio. That adds the calories burned and the fitness points. I hope that makes sense. This way you can keep track of your steps walked everyday, and get points and calories burned for the exercise portion of the steps.

I wouldn't start over, it will all even out over time. If your pedometer is anything like mine, you aren't getting credit for all the steps you are taking anyway. I have gotten to where I double check my miles on the "Map your Route" section of the Fitness Tracker because I end up missing almost a mile every time. That's about 2910 steps!

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I Gave Away the Peanut M&Ms

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Virtual Journey Update: As near as I can tell (I've lost a few days), I think I am 53 miles away from Eureka. I got in 4.1 miles and over 12K steps just walking at work and school. No pain, but my feet are swollen. Water retention is a hereditary issue. My paternal grandmother's ankles were a myth by the time I knew her.

I did not get to walk at lunch because I was timer at Toastmasters. That is my least favorite role, so I was pleased that I muffed only one call. I knew the meeting was going to be sloppy. The Toastmaster of the Day is a dear man, but he has a slapdash attitude about the protocol for the meeting. The agenda was not full, not all roles were filled and it was a waste of time except for a new member who delivered her very first speech.

I am still not back on track. I felt lousy most of the day and am still eating bland food. I miss my broccoli! Right now, I am a huge fan of instant mashed potatos!

Class tonight was tedious and not just because there are only 3 weeks left. We did not have class last week because the judge had bronchitis. The final exam has already been written and will be taken from the lecture tonight, next week's lecture and the four court opinions we have to read, three of which are very lengthy. Tonight's lecture was very dry and flat, almost as if he were just trying to make sure he said something that is already on the final...I also have a paper to write and really must churn it out this weekend if I want to incorporate feedback from my mentor into the final edition.

Then there is the party stuff. I still have so much to do and to buy. I am afraid I will run out of time, inspiration and money. I bought my cap and gown today. I am so glad I made it to the bookstore before class. They just started selling them and they already were low on the sizes.

THANK GOODNESS I FOUND SPARKPEOPLE! I am so glad I've lost 20 lbs. The robe would not have zipped had I not lost weight. Whew! I probably still look like a claret sausage, but definitely better than I would have! Yikes! I can't believe I graduate 3 weeks from Saturday! I'm not excited. I am too stressed.

Friday night is the company trip to the San Francisco Giants game against the Oakland As and I had treated myself to two tickets to the game. It includes dinner (pizza and salad) and a charter bus ride to the game. I bought them before a financial bomb exploded. I can't get out of them so I have to make the best of it. I think BF is going to flake again and I will end up going by myself. In truth, he does have a cold, but...it happens all the time. I should know better, but I keep hoping....ARGH!

Earlier this morning, I was walking down the hall and a wonderful coworker came up to me. Jean-Francois is French and has a delightful accent and effervescent personality. He handed me a coffee cup full of peanut M&Ms. I was pretty stressed and, even though I did not feel well, I so very easily could have popped one in my mouth right after another without stopping until there were none left. I took the cup back to my desk and set it on the counter. I could have put it in the coffee bar and they would have disappeared in moments. Didn't think of it.

Later, I sent a long email to one of my supervising attorneys about some department issues that came up in a meeting yesterday. It was something of a vent. I reread it before hitting send and still hit send. Then I thought I would go see him. I picked up the cup of M&Ms and took them with me. Kevin is about the size of a string bean and has a prodigious sweet tooth. I was going to knock on the door and tell him I was bringing him some energy to get through this long email, but he was not in his office. The door was open, so I put the cup near his laptop and went back to my desk, not having touched one M&M!

There was an event today that could have triggered a major binge. I really did not know how to react! Even though my heel was better today, when I stood up from my desk after sitting, I was a bit stiff. One of the managers in the finance department, who has an office near mine, recently had hip surgery of some type. She walks very stiffly. She was walking towards me while I was walking. She started laughing, as did another lady in finance. They made a joke about how we walk the same. I did not see the humor and did not laugh. The difference is Valerie's condition is temporary (at least I believe so) and mine is not. I have spent years trying to overcome my handicap to the point where it is not as noticeable. I do not like attention based on that and I sure don't appreciate being the source of humor. I did not say anything at the moment to either Valerie or Kathy because I did not trust my tongue. Neither of them seemed to realize what was going on, neither said anything to me the rest of the day! In the past, I would have stepped away from my desk, gone outside or behind a closed door, with a candy bar or three or something and felt sorry for myself. I did not do that. There was a fleeting thought, but it didn't stick long enough to even be a coherent idea, so that was amazing!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 6/11/2010 12:38AM

    Good job staying away from the M & M's! Shows you are serious about this healthy lifestyle. High Five!!
Valerie and Kathy probably had no clue they hurt your feelings. Unfortunately, most people don't get it. If you tried to approach them to clear the air, they would probably think you are being overly sensitive and can't take a joke, but who knows? You certainly don't want this to fester and continue to harbor feelings of resentment towards them. I would expect Valerie to be a little more sensitive as she knows what pain from a destroyed hip feels like. All the best with it.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 6/10/2010 1:02PM

    Your progress shows in so many ways - in the actual weight loss, in your energy to accomplish all you do, in your willpower to avoid foods (like the m&m's) and in your honesty in your blogs.
I do think you should think about talking privately to Valerie and Kathy about what they said and your feelings about it. I'm sure they were just not thinking - a lot of hurtful things are said in that way! Just be honest and tell them how hard you have worked to overcome it your entire life, and that living with a permanent disability is not something that should ever be joked about. Stress that you are not angry but that you just think they should be aware of how easily what someone says can hurt another. People need to be told when they hurt others, especially if it is done unintentionally.

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VICD25 6/10/2010 8:54AM

    WTG! You've come a long way!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 6/10/2010 8:29AM

  Congrats on how far you've come in your weight loss journey girlie. You have done amazing. :)

You turning down the M&M attack was great. :) It could have so gone the other way.. but you didn't let it.. and, that's all that matters! Amazing job! :)

Congrats on not letting things make you close the door with a candy bar anymore. You are certainly doing great!!

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    The previous blog said it all! Congrats on your weight loss! Denying M&M's! OMG...plain ones are my weakness...can't have them near me. Awesome strength to turn away from them!
emoticon emoticon

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CAROLYNINJOY1 6/10/2010 6:27AM

    emoticonGood job on overcoming the M&M's.

I totally understand not wanting attention to be called to called to a difference about yourself, especially in a non solicited so-called humorous way.

But the important thing is your reaction to it. Overcame it once, you can overcome it again.

Bravo for you!!!!! emoticon emoticon

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NISA-JOE 6/10/2010 2:41AM

    Congratulations for everything you accomplished today - your weight loss so far, your up-coming graduation, giving away the M&Ms (I could have eaten them all up), and practicing self-control when your colleagues were being insensitive.

I'm sure you would be able to return to your broccoli soon.


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NANALD 6/10/2010 2:25AM

    There is so much I could say about this blog. Because I know I am going to get off track let me first just compliment you on a great blog and on your ability to exercise self control on many levels. In an attempt to be positive I will resist my temptation to say anything about your lady friend coworkers. You see, it is one of several blogs I have read today where women have been hurtful to each other. Instead I will note that there are kind and not so kind people wherever we go. Our challenge is to recognize that the M&Ms of food and of humans aren't as sweet as they appear and aren't really what we want in our lives. Fact is, we can choose to surround ourselves with things that are much healthier for us both in terms of food and humans. Congratulation on your choices!

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