Monday, June 14, 2010
My morning status note was "Happy Birthday, Diane". What I did not articulate was that, if she were alive, today she would be 55. We met when I was 18 and were hot and cold friends through the years, roommates a couple of times, and both times ended badly, but our friendship was repairing.
The weekend before my 39th birthday, we went out to scout apartments for her in a new town. She was being transferred, not happy about it, but glad to still have a job. We found some good options and made plans to get together the next weekend.
She did not call me on my birthday. While I noted that, I was not worried because we were going to see each other a few days later. The next day, her mother called me to say that Diane had died that night. Long story short - they think it was a blood clot that broke loose in her leg and killed her.
Diane had very little self esteem and, while only a few inches taller than me, was probably more than 200 pounds overweight. Seeing the pain that her early death caused should have been enough for me to change my life. But it, alone, was not enough.
I have lost several friends due to health problems related to weight issues.
I always remember that today is/was her birthday. This year, it did not make me stiffen my resolve to work harder and do better at this lifestyle change thing. My recognition was more passive.
In the afternoon, the proverbial stuff hit the fan and all thoughts about such routine things disappeared. I am innocent, but, given office politics, I am very nervous about the looming interrogation, verbal attacks and whatnot. I prayed all the way home that I do not lose my job over this snafu. The attorney I am dealing with now has a very belittling manner of speech when things are not straightforward. I bit my tongue when the thought came to mind "Should I resign?" Her boss, who used to be my boss, will either react reasonably, almost too calmly or he will erupt.
The other factor is the announcement earlier this month of the new CEO who takes the reins in late September. People are nervous about changes...
No walk today, but almost 10K steps. I stayed within range foodwise except for the usual low in calcium and, get this, low in fat!
The interesting thing is, and I just realized this, I would normally have started stuffing my face when the attorney called me about 6 times in 20 minutes. I have not done so and I won't...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I gained 1.5 pounds this week. I should not have been surprised,but I am disappointed. Some of that was coming off of the colonoscopy. I did not expect to have trouble eating food AFTER the procedure and, after dropping 2 pounds because of the diet and fast, I should have expected to put some of that back on.
What else happened this week? I did not walk as much, I did not do much weight training (still hate it) and I was at the low end of water for several days. And there ws the pizza Friday night.
But this is all indicative of the larger problem. I have lost some of the drive with which I started this program. I am bored with the whole thing. At the same time, enough has changed within that I am not going to give up. Going back is not an option, but I need to rekindle the Spark in order to move forward effectively. It is not so much about the scale, though I should not be having this much of a problem when I still have 60+ pounds to lose!
So this week:
I am going to backpedal just a bit in order to keep moving forward.
8 glasses of water daily
5K steps every day
5 servings of fruit and vegetables
spend time on the motivational pages every day
To take some of the stress off -
work on my final paper draft today
(I wrote the first draft Friday and am letting it simmer in my mind before looking at it again)
I will do one thing every day on the mental list of things to do for the party
(most of that means buying gift cards)
Revisit the speech for the party and start working on that.
Plan food and wardrobe for the week this afternoon.
I need to think about what I am doing on SparkPeople and codify some of that, make it more concrete and manageable. I have been avoiding setting concrete goals because I don't want to fail again.
And now, it is time for me to get going with my day!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Virtual Journey Update: As near as I can tell (I've lost a few days), I think I am 53 miles away from Eureka. I got in 4.1 miles and over 12K steps just walking at work and school. No pain, but my feet are swollen. Water retention is a hereditary issue. My paternal grandmother's ankles were a myth by the time I knew her.
I did not get to walk at lunch because I was timer at Toastmasters. That is my least favorite role, so I was pleased that I muffed only one call. I knew the meeting was going to be sloppy. The Toastmaster of the Day is a dear man, but he has a slapdash attitude about the protocol for the meeting. The agenda was not full, not all roles were filled and it was a waste of time except for a new member who delivered her very first speech.
I am still not back on track. I felt lousy most of the day and am still eating bland food. I miss my broccoli! Right now, I am a huge fan of instant mashed potatos!
Class tonight was tedious and not just because there are only 3 weeks left. We did not have class last week because the judge had bronchitis. The final exam has already been written and will be taken from the lecture tonight, next week's lecture and the four court opinions we have to read, three of which are very lengthy. Tonight's lecture was very dry and flat, almost as if he were just trying to make sure he said something that is already on the final...I also have a paper to write and really must churn it out this weekend if I want to incorporate feedback from my mentor into the final edition.
Then there is the party stuff. I still have so much to do and to buy. I am afraid I will run out of time, inspiration and money. I bought my cap and gown today. I am so glad I made it to the bookstore before class. They just started selling them and they already were low on the sizes.
THANK GOODNESS I FOUND SPARKPEOPLE! I am so glad I've lost 20 lbs. The robe would not have zipped had I not lost weight. Whew! I probably still look like a claret sausage, but definitely better than I would have! Yikes! I can't believe I graduate 3 weeks from Saturday! I'm not excited. I am too stressed.
Friday night is the company trip to the San Francisco Giants game against the Oakland As and I had treated myself to two tickets to the game. It includes dinner (pizza and salad) and a charter bus ride to the game. I bought them before a financial bomb exploded. I can't get out of them so I have to make the best of it. I think BF is going to flake again and I will end up going by myself. In truth, he does have a cold, but...it happens all the time. I should know better, but I keep hoping....ARGH!
Earlier this morning, I was walking down the hall and a wonderful coworker came up to me. Jean-Francois is French and has a delightful accent and effervescent personality. He handed me a coffee cup full of peanut M&Ms. I was pretty stressed and, even though I did not feel well, I so very easily could have popped one in my mouth right after another without stopping until there were none left. I took the cup back to my desk and set it on the counter. I could have put it in the coffee bar and they would have disappeared in moments. Didn't think of it.
Later, I sent a long email to one of my supervising attorneys about some department issues that came up in a meeting yesterday. It was something of a vent. I reread it before hitting send and still hit send. Then I thought I would go see him. I picked up the cup of M&Ms and took them with me. Kevin is about the size of a string bean and has a prodigious sweet tooth. I was going to knock on the door and tell him I was bringing him some energy to get through this long email, but he was not in his office. The door was open, so I put the cup near his laptop and went back to my desk, not having touched one M&M!
There was an event today that could have triggered a major binge. I really did not know how to react! Even though my heel was better today, when I stood up from my desk after sitting, I was a bit stiff. One of the managers in the finance department, who has an office near mine, recently had hip surgery of some type. She walks very stiffly. She was walking towards me while I was walking. She started laughing, as did another lady in finance. They made a joke about how we walk the same. I did not see the humor and did not laugh. The difference is Valerie's condition is temporary (at least I believe so) and mine is not. I have spent years trying to overcome my handicap to the point where it is not as noticeable. I do not like attention based on that and I sure don't appreciate being the source of humor. I did not say anything at the moment to either Valerie or Kathy because I did not trust my tongue. Neither of them seemed to realize what was going on, neither said anything to me the rest of the day! In the past, I would have stepped away from my desk, gone outside or behind a closed door, with a candy bar or three or something and felt sorry for myself. I did not do that. There was a fleeting thought, but it didn't stick long enough to even be a coherent idea, so that was amazing!
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