Thursday, June 10, 2010
Virtual Journey Update: As near as I can tell (I've lost a few days), I think I am 53 miles away from Eureka. I got in 4.1 miles and over 12K steps just walking at work and school. No pain, but my feet are swollen. Water retention is a hereditary issue. My paternal grandmother's ankles were a myth by the time I knew her.
I did not get to walk at lunch because I was timer at Toastmasters. That is my least favorite role, so I was pleased that I muffed only one call. I knew the meeting was going to be sloppy. The Toastmaster of the Day is a dear man, but he has a slapdash attitude about the protocol for the meeting. The agenda was not full, not all roles were filled and it was a waste of time except for a new member who delivered her very first speech.
I am still not back on track. I felt lousy most of the day and am still eating bland food. I miss my broccoli! Right now, I am a huge fan of instant mashed potatos!
Class tonight was tedious and not just because there are only 3 weeks left. We did not have class last week because the judge had bronchitis. The final exam has already been written and will be taken from the lecture tonight, next week's lecture and the four court opinions we have to read, three of which are very lengthy. Tonight's lecture was very dry and flat, almost as if he were just trying to make sure he said something that is already on the final...I also have a paper to write and really must churn it out this weekend if I want to incorporate feedback from my mentor into the final edition.
Then there is the party stuff. I still have so much to do and to buy. I am afraid I will run out of time, inspiration and money. I bought my cap and gown today. I am so glad I made it to the bookstore before class. They just started selling them and they already were low on the sizes.
THANK GOODNESS I FOUND SPARKPEOPLE! I am so glad I've lost 20 lbs. The robe would not have zipped had I not lost weight. Whew! I probably still look like a claret sausage, but definitely better than I would have! Yikes! I can't believe I graduate 3 weeks from Saturday! I'm not excited. I am too stressed.
Friday night is the company trip to the San Francisco Giants game against the Oakland As and I had treated myself to two tickets to the game. It includes dinner (pizza and salad) and a charter bus ride to the game. I bought them before a financial bomb exploded. I can't get out of them so I have to make the best of it. I think BF is going to flake again and I will end up going by myself. In truth, he does have a cold, but...it happens all the time. I should know better, but I keep hoping....ARGH!
Earlier this morning, I was walking down the hall and a wonderful coworker came up to me. Jean-Francois is French and has a delightful accent and effervescent personality. He handed me a coffee cup full of peanut M&Ms. I was pretty stressed and, even though I did not feel well, I so very easily could have popped one in my mouth right after another without stopping until there were none left. I took the cup back to my desk and set it on the counter. I could have put it in the coffee bar and they would have disappeared in moments. Didn't think of it.
Later, I sent a long email to one of my supervising attorneys about some department issues that came up in a meeting yesterday. It was something of a vent. I reread it before hitting send and still hit send. Then I thought I would go see him. I picked up the cup of M&Ms and took them with me. Kevin is about the size of a string bean and has a prodigious sweet tooth. I was going to knock on the door and tell him I was bringing him some energy to get through this long email, but he was not in his office. The door was open, so I put the cup near his laptop and went back to my desk, not having touched one M&M!
There was an event today that could have triggered a major binge. I really did not know how to react! Even though my heel was better today, when I stood up from my desk after sitting, I was a bit stiff. One of the managers in the finance department, who has an office near mine, recently had hip surgery of some type. She walks very stiffly. She was walking towards me while I was walking. She started laughing, as did another lady in finance. They made a joke about how we walk the same. I did not see the humor and did not laugh. The difference is Valerie's condition is temporary (at least I believe so) and mine is not. I have spent years trying to overcome my handicap to the point where it is not as noticeable. I do not like attention based on that and I sure don't appreciate being the source of humor. I did not say anything at the moment to either Valerie or Kathy because I did not trust my tongue. Neither of them seemed to realize what was going on, neither said anything to me the rest of the day! In the past, I would have stepped away from my desk, gone outside or behind a closed door, with a candy bar or three or something and felt sorry for myself. I did not do that. There was a fleeting thought, but it didn't stick long enough to even be a coherent idea, so that was amazing!
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
I survived the day of work, but did not put in the extra time I needed to. I ended up not walking to the polling place, but I still got in more than 9600 steps. I still can't each much. Everything I eat makes my tummy hurt! I imagine this will pass. I sure did expect the days of eating bland food would continue after the procedure! I'm still not even hungry. This is weird.
Just out of curiousity, I stepped on the scale this morning and it said I had lost another pound. I am sure that's from the test, so I am not counting it unless it holds true this Sunday. If it does, this procedure will mean I lost 2.4.
My left heel has been hurting for days, so I was thrilled to be able to walk today. I could hardly move at all yesterday. As I took a short walk at lunch today, a coworker drove by, rolled down her window and said, "Way to go!" I thanked her and kept trudging. She was one of the ladies I spoke to about a month ago about my wonderful pedometer. All I can do is plant seeds, spread the Spark. Everyone knows that no one will make these kinds of changes until they are good and ready. I don't say anything unless anyone asks, but I don't hide what I am doing, so I am out there by example.
I hope I will be back on track nutritionally and in every way tomorrow...
Monday, June 07, 2010
Today was the big day: my first colonoscopy. Even with the fast, I did not feel as hungry as I thought I would, though I felt a tiny bit queasy and lightheaded. That was overridden by the nerves. Everyone had told me the test would be the easiest part of this whole process, but I was still a bit nervous.
The team of caregivers they have in this group is fabulous. My intake nurse was Barbara. She is one of these cheerful people who talks through the whole intake process, which was calming for me. Interacting with her meant I did not have a chance to get more nervous. They took me a little bit early because the previous person cancelled. Barbara talked me through some forms and took me to the other room. During the intake process, she noticed I've lost 20 pounds! (My previous doctor with a different insurance company didn't EVER notice!). She asked me what I was doing and that opened the door for me to share about SparkPeople! I was stoked!
At this point, another nurse was supposed to take over, but she was not there, so Barbara stayed. Tessa did the needlework. I have great blood but terrible veins, so this usually means an unpleasant fishing expedition, but she did a great job. Turns out the doctor was the chief of this practice and he had a nice personality. I was abit surprised.
The procedure was the easiest part and, in between drifting off, I was able to see the scan. Kind of interesting. They found no polyps! I don't need to go through this for another 10 years. They did find a hemmorhoid. I was surprised and a bit alarmed. I understand those are painful. Doctor said it was probably aggravated by the cleanse + procedure.
They told me I would need to stay home today and they were not kidding! I was really nauseated afterwards which is supposed to be a rare side effect. I have eaten very little today and have regretted every bite because my tummy hurts! I hope I feel better tomorrow because I sure cannot afford another sick day!
BF caught my cold and I am not completely over mine...
I am not looking forward to work and school tomorrow and will aim to get to bed a little earlier tonight, even though I've slept a lot today!
Happy birthday, Mom! This was my Dad's second wife, mother of my youngest siblings. When I met Dad, I was thirteen, they were married and my brother was a year old. Later I learned that she was the one who got Dad to reach out to his children from his first marriage. Long story short, I ended up moving in with them for summers and going to boarding school during the school year. Had she not opened that door, I am absolutely certain my birth mother would have killed me before I was 18. While my maternal relations are strained, I am blessed to have several women step into the mother role for me. This Mom was one of the first. We are still close and I wish I could have been with her today!
(She lives outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico)
Happy Sparkversary, Chaotickitty! I know it's tomorrow, but, just in case I don't get to comment. (work and school tomorrow). I am SO grateful we are on this journey together!
Thanks to EVERYONE for your TLC comments about this colonoscopy. I could not finish the last 3 glasses of the prep stuff, but, had I not already been drinking a lot of water, it would have been so much tougher to chug. I did not enjoy any part of this procedure, even the sedated part, and I am not 100% sure I would do it again. I am grateful that I got a clean slate report! I am glad that I have 10 years before the next one. By then, I will have forgotten how awful it was and I'll probably do it again, just because of the diagnostic benefits. I hope this has not been too much information. I never shared anything like this prior to SP. Privacy is a good thing, but I am learning that I can gain strength from sharing and getting support and encouragement. I only hope I can return the favor!
Sunday, June 06, 2010
I was not on this earth when D-Day happened, but, as with most families, I am touched by it, thanks to the remarkable "Greatest Generation". Both of my grandmothers were nurses during the war and that was my goal when I was in grade school. My paternal grandfather emigrated from Norway with a degree in engineering. He worked in shipyards. Not being technical, the only thing I understand is that he calculated the optimum circumference of smoke stacks to maximize fuel use. Or something. (I'm not friendly with numbers!) My maternal grandfather may have been a reporter during the war. My dad's stepfather was an anthropologist who answered the call and went into the Army. He was a medic and he was at Utah Beach. That was all I ever knew about his service because he would not talk about it. The way he said what he said, the tone was one that did not brook further conversation on this point.
It was only years after his death that I grew up enough to understand the possibility of the kinds of memories he had and did not want to reawaken to solve a youngster's curiosity. I never got to apologize to him for that question! Now I shudder to think what nightmares I may have reawakened for him!
I have always wanted to serve my country and tried every branch of the service 5 times. I could never pass the physical. My younger brother, now in the Naval Reserves, tells me that I would not have liked being in the service when I could have been in because it was not a welcoming place for women then. I know he tries to comfort me by saying that, but it does not take away my lifelong regret.
I am grateful for those who do serve in whatever capacity. I benefit from their service, their sacrifice of time away from their lives, their loss of innocence, the sacrifice of their families. I know firsthand the nights trying to be calm when I am afraid for my loved one in harm's way. And, there is no way to even the scale when those who serve pay the ultimate price.
What makes the "Greatest Generation" so remarkable is how those who served were not just in uniform of the armed services, it was nurses, it was factory workers, it was ordinary people saving anything that could be used for "the boys" at war -- all their service and sacrifice.
One of those who stayed at home because the Army sent him home when he volunteered was the founder of my company (founded long after his other careers were over!). The enlisting officer asked him what he did and, when he heard the answer, the officer said, "You can do more to help us in civilian life." Dr. Chauncey Starr ended up at Oak Ridge National Labs working on nuclear fusion. During that time, he invented a method of cooling nuclear fuel that is still in use in plants around the world.
I was in grade school when President Eisenhower died. My teacher turned on the tv so we could watch the funeral. He had to step out of the room to take a phone call. A while later, he came back in the room to find spitwads flying, chalk and erasers flying and I was sitting in my desk in the front row crying my eyes out watching the funeral. "I Like Ike" for his leadership and service.
Prayers were said this morning for those alive who have horrible memories of the D-Day invasion and the days following, for those who still mourn the full measure that was paid that day and the following days.
Anything I could say about my SparkPeople journey would be a trivial exercise of free speech that has been paid for with far too high a price.
Saturday, June 05, 2010
The summer cold has been in full force today. I HOPE it's going to be just about gone by Monday morning. I'm afraid Kaiser won't let me go through the procedure. I'm still mouth breathing and running the room cooler and using a blanket (hot and cold!).
Bland food and, after breakfast tomorrow, that's it until after the procedure on Monday. No exercise today, either. Still very stiff and sore and still can't breathe! UGH
The pharmacist warned me that I won't want to leave the house once I start the colon cleanse tomorrow...NOT looking forward to this, but, as a measure of the change in me via SP, I am valuing me enough that I am not letting the prospect of this discomfort deter me from this test. I know they will use this test to screen for preventable problems. I was angry when I learned that Dad knew he had a problem for TWO YEARS before he ever went to the doctor. Had he gone sooner, they might have been able to cure his prostate cancer before it became bone cancer and killed him. I can't put my family through that kind of pain if it is in my power to prevent it.
Today (or tomorrow, depending on who I believe), my maternal gramma would be 104. I was starting my junior year of college, thousands of miles from home, when I learned she had cancer. To this day, I don't know what kind. gramma (and that's how she wrote it: lowercase) was one of my sanctuaries as a young child.
gramma was a woman of and ahead of her times. She divorced my grandfather and raised my mother and my aunt all by herself. She was pro womens' rights long before the 60s came around. I can totally picture her marching for the right to vote, though I don't know if she ever did that. gramma was a nurse during WWII. She looked like one of those sweet little old ladies, so she was always picked for jury duty. What the attorneys did not know what that she was a strong minded, very liberal thinking woman. By the time I started paying attention to politics and social issues, she was ill and then gone, so I never talked to her about things. I imageine we would have had different opinions on some things. But the older I get, the more I find I agree with things she cared about.
gramma was agnostic, which bothered my family a lot, especially at the end of her life. She did not let any of the grandchildren see her once the chemo started. (As if I cared about her hair! She had wigs!) I remember saying to the air: "I don't care about your hair, gramma! It's you I love!" She died five long years later, suffering horribly. There was no service, not that I would have been permitted to attend if there had been one. That lack of closure made me realize how important services are. They are not so much for the deceased as they are for the survivors.
I have tons of wonderful memories of gramma. She was a rescue skier, she knit hats and scarves for homeless people,baby blankets for newborns in womens' shelters and afghans for children with cancer. She had what she called a "working garden." Fruit trees, not many flowers, groundcover. She canned fruit and had a root cellar. She saved everything. What I know of being frugal is from her!
Now that I am older, I can see that I have the same prominent veins in my hands as she did. One of my sisters has the small front tooth gap that she had. I can still remember how she smelled and what her hands felt like as she caressed my hair. She was a heavy smoker and I can still see the massive wrinkles in her face.
gramma: imperfect person, perfect gramma, still loved and missed!
I stayed within range in food, but definitely not in balance. Not allowed veggies or fruit. With this cold and tendonitis, I really miss walking! I am so afraid this hiatus will turn me back into that couch potato that I was before SP. However, as wonderful as my Sparkfriends have been about my "just walking" and other comments, I bet they won't let me slide completely back to the old me. I don't want to go back! I like my walks! Making that statement and meaning it is an incredible paradigm shift for me! Thanks, SparkPeople!
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