JUNEAU2010   160,585
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Pitfall: MoGo BBQ

Friday, May 14, 2010

All week long, I'd been hearing about the MoGo BBQ truck that was coming to work today - sort of a Korean twist on Mexican food. I don't know why, but I never thought to calculate the food. I made what I thought was a lower calorie choice, but it was not. At my best guestimate, it finished my day. I ate at the top of my calorie range most days this week, so this was not a good way to go. It tasted good, but it was not worth it in terms of my goals. Sigh.

But I am not throwing in the towel. Tomorrow is a new day.

I woke up very stiff this morning and my weaker leg was pretty sore. That was the elliptical, but I don't blame the machine. I will keep working at it. I have a long way to go, that's for sure!

Tonight's my night to relax. Tomorrow, more time to exercise, get chores done and continue the research on my paper.

Have a great Friday, sparkfriends! I told a new spark person who is struggling that she needs to be active on the site, find a team she likes and build her community. I said that, with my community, when I think about a choice I have to make, I think about the reaction my blog comments for those choices will be. Supportive, consoling, tough love, it all helps. Most of the time, not today sadly, the thought of your response gives me time to make the better choice. I told her by being active on the site, she will see that we all struggle, we all succeed, we support and encourage each other and that's far better than going it alone.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ISHIIGIRL 5/18/2010 4:58PM

    Grat job sparking someone else! I think sparkpeople is so helpful to those just starting on this journey and it helps on your own journey as well! Way to go!

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CARRAND 5/15/2010 9:16PM

    Not being able to plan ahead can cause a problem. But, you're right - tomorrow is another day. I'm glad you recognize that and are not giving up on yourself.

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MEGANC1988 5/15/2010 1:17PM


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KAELIE 5/15/2010 8:28AM

  Oh, I would have totally tried it too, especially if everyone was talking about it (office peer pressure lol). If I hadn't, I would have ended up obsessing over what I didn't get to try (lol). So, chalk it up to something new tried (and not worth the calorie investment).

Hope you were able to relax last night!

Sending you literary mojo for that research paper!

Enjoy your weekend :)

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/15/2010 7:16AM

  emoticon Wow. Korean/Mexican food does sound yummy!

That is really nice of you to welcome the new struggling member the way that you did. :)

And, you are exactly right! - tomorrow IS a 'new' day. Remember that if you ever mess up again. No need in throwing in the towel.. just start all over again. :)


Comment edited on: 5/15/2010 7:16:16 AM

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ROX2013 5/15/2010 12:07AM

    That sounds really different! The calories would be hard to figure with a combination food! But you still did ok and like you said tomorrow is another day!! You are doing great! Be careful with your knee as you are working up your stamina on the elliptical. Good luck with your paper and have a great weekend!!

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JHADZHIA 5/14/2010 10:20PM

    That is something different! Nothing like that combo around here! Mexican is just not that big. We just recently got our first Chili's here! Its not a sin eating at the top of your range, as long as you don't consistently go over it or something.
You will do better, no problem! Hope you have a good and restful weekend!

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CUBFANGIRL1 5/14/2010 10:04PM

    Korean Mexican food sounds awfully delicious. As you said, tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself and move on. . .

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Elliptical Silliness, CSR, Food, Work and Water

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Today was a much better day, not for any one thing, but for all of it. The morning flew by because I was dealing with tax exempt certificates. A simple task but time intensive.

Avoiding stairs is paying off. I had a couple of walks today. At lunch, I walked very briskly (I am a turtle, so it is relative!) for 38 minutes and walked farther than I have before. I broke a sweat, but not until afterwards. That was odd. For the 2nd or 3rd consecutive day, I got in over 10K steps. The other thing I did right was stretch my Achilles tendon after the walk. That felt really good AND I did not stiffen up in the afternoon!

The afternoon dragged a bit and the low point was when I saw the hire notice for the student in our Knoxville office. I knew one was coming, but it still makes me uneasy. This student is working for my boss doing there a lot of the same things I do here.

I had a bit of an energy dip in the afternoon, but, overall, what I ate today kept me from yawning my head off! I also got in the 10 glasses of water earlier in the day. I felt much more on track, even though all the concerns are still nibbling in my mind. I am back to my initial nutrition settings. We'll see how it goes.

Skipping the overtime, deferring that to tomorrow, I started doing some prep work for my final paper. I did not have class last night, but I went to school anyway. I always meet with one of my prior teachers who is becoming a mentor. He's encouraged me to look into becoming certified as a mediator and has offered to draft a letter of recommendation to the court. That would put extra money in my pocket! Anyway, I bounced an idea off him a week or two ago about this final paper. He remembered that and told me some news about the topic. CSR is my abbreviation for Collateral Source Rule. What that means is, in CA and other jurisdictions that have this rule, if you are the injured party in a personal injury case (the plaintiff), the defendant does not get to benefit by your fiscal responsibility. The defendant doesn't get to pay less just because you have insurance or other "collateral" sources that reimburse you for your expenses incurred by the injury. Today, I had a chance to look into the news he shared and it gave me a new slant for my paper! I am so excited! I am sure no one else will take this angle on the topic!

I mentioned to a coworker that I had checked out the elliptical and she told me another lady uses it just about every day. I used to sit next to Janis, so I felt comfortable asking her about the elliptical. We have two in our tiny work gym. One, she said, is broken and the other might be. So she went with me and got on the one I had used. Then I felt so silly! Turns out I had not been using it right! It has these long handles and little tiny curved ones. I had been using the large handles! Janis said those are for guys! Janis is even smaller than I am, she's a few inches shorter and probably 10 pounds smaller than I will be when I reach my goal. The other thing I saw was that I had been going backwards! That is the movement it makes when you are setting it up, so I had no clue! Boy, did I feel silly! My result today = my 3rd time on the elliptical: 135 seconds and my legs did not feel so rubbery and I did not feel dizzy! But I am so out of shape! All I can do is improve! I really liked it!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 5/14/2010 10:24PM

    That is nice you have a wonderful mentor, great lead for your paper!!
Good for your co worker showing you the proper use of the elliptical, it is a challenging machine, and even worse when not used right! Glad you were not hurt!!

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CARRAND 5/14/2010 7:14PM

    Great day! I've never tried the elliptical machine. I'll be sure to get some help the first time.

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MISSY455 5/14/2010 7:09PM

    emoticon Sounds like you are finding that track again :-) I am really glad you had such a good day, your post sounds so enthusiastic! I hope you have a great weekend and get to spend some time enjoying our sunny CA weather.

emoticon Margie

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    Sounds like a good day on so many fronts! So pleased to hear about your mentor. It is so so good to have one or more mentors, to guide you through the process, give you feedback on your research, and write recs that will help you. Maybe you can keep a copy? It must be a great one. I have kept copies of my recs so that, on truly dismal days, I can read them, and they do bring tears to my eyes and a new lease on life.

Glad you are liking the ellptical! It gets better and better. It is good for a lot of knee and joint conditions. Now that I have a permanent injury in one knee, though, I have to ice the joint after 45 minutes on the elliptical, but happily, I can still use it for the time being. It is a great workout!

Keep up the great work!

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LOZUKE 5/14/2010 5:23AM

    Sounds like a good day !! I am happy for you! I had tried the elliptical once or twice I could not stay more that 5 minutes. I was lucky my trainer was there and she showed me how to use it I had no idea! I am short 5'2" I have to adjust everything in the gym! emoticon emoticon emoticonDebbie

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ROX2013 5/13/2010 11:49PM

    Sounds like a good day all the way around! You will build up your endurance as time goes on..my niece who had a car accident 5 yrs ago and damaged her knee was told that the elliptical is a great machine to use with her recovery from the knee surgery she had to have.

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I Think I Really Screwed Up

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I knocked a little off my calorie range yesterday because I don't think I am exercising enough to lose tonnage and I just can't do more right now. I had not forgotten that I had increased the range a few weeks ago because I was beyond tired throughout the day. Stupidly, I did not expect that crushing fatigue to return but it has. I spent all day so hungry and so sleepy.

But I am still euphoric! Yesterday, I mentioned my sister and her family are moving to a better home that will have heat for the children and no psycho landlord. Her stepfather does not have prostrate cancer. Then, today, I got to see a really good friend/coworker. He works in our Charlotte NC office but was in town for a meeting. He had a heart attack a little over a year ago. A young man, younger than I am, but bad genes and poor choices put him in that spot. Just barely recovered from that and he was diagnosed with leukemia. He looks great now! His heart is doing well, he is in remission and faces another couple of years of chemo.

Giving him a hug today was absolutely soul satisfying!

Kind of puts my tonnage battle in a different perspective...!

Thinking about changing jobs. Everything I read in SP and elsewhere speaks about doing work that is rewarding. I am GRATEFUL to have a job, I love the company where I work, but I do not like my job. It has taken me a while to recognize that. I am thinking about looking for work with the federal government. I know it takes a long time to get on board, but the thought is there.

About to be a paralegal, but I know I don't want to work in a law firm. I like working in a law department of a corporation.

Still thinking...Still trying to figure out balance in terms of nutrition, exercise and......everything. I'm not sure where I should be in terms of calories and the other metrics.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MISSY455 5/13/2010 5:05PM

    As someone else mentioned, satisfaction doesn't necessarily have to come from your job. Volunteer work is a great source of that, and with your new degree in paralegal you could offer up some time to a non-profit legal defense organization for one. If that doesn't interest you, time spent with aging adults in convalescent hospitals or nursing homes can be so beneficial too you and them. There are so many organizations that need volunteers and it can be very satisfying to know you can help out some.

I have been playing with my Fitness and Nutrition trackers for the past couple of weeks because I had slowed way down on the weight loss. I dropped my calories to the low end of the range for the past 5 days and am finally seeing results again! It just takes some tweaking. It will come together for you. You have already done so much, just keep the faith!

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    making changes and adjustments will take time- but it will balance.
It sounds like you are working on it and have some positive things going on. Pray about the job choices and it will all work out.

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    It sounds like a lot of things around you are turning out well, for people you care about, and putting things in perspective, which is beautiful.
You can also keep in mind that "meaningful work" does not always translate into dollars. You may find you want to keep your job to support some volunteer work in some other capacity that has meaning for you. Or you may find work in an area that means a lot to you that you've never considered before. Sounds like taking time to figure out what you want to do, and where your talents are, and where your financial support will come from, are the next steps. Ideally, they all come together in the same job... but... there are always new ways to combine them!

Wishing you the best! emoticon

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CARRAND 5/13/2010 12:56PM

    It doesn't sound like you screwed up. You are having some good insights. I work for the Federal government and I really enjoy it. There are a lot of opportunities and the benefits are good. Good luck with your search.

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LOZUKE 5/13/2010 12:05PM

    I don't think you screw up! I did not think it was going to be so hard that you had to figure all this out! I am glad for your friend , but you are right about putting thing in perspective. Some people say also you have to eat enough to loose? emoticon this makes my head hurt.
Please think before you do anything about your job, my friend just lost her job. She is a nurse and can't find anything at her age because the past 15 years she was at a Drs. office. I think you know what you want emoticonAll the best to you. emoticonDebbie

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LOZUKE 5/13/2010 11:56AM

    I lowered my calorie intake I went by Weight Watchers and I am still not loosing. I need to exercise more, but I get so tired when my Grandson leaves I cdon't always have the energy. I have Pilates tonight then rush home for Survivor!! I might go to the gym early and walk some more. I am 55 years old and taking epilepsy meds that make me fat and tired! I will keep at it! emoticon emoticonDebbie P.S. What is a fitness tracker?

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/13/2010 8:10AM

  As other posters have said.. it will take some tweaking to find out how many calories you should be eating. I started out with 1,250 when I first started on this ... lost weight fast.. then , I had upped my calories to 1,400 and stopped losing... so, because I've lowered it back down to 1,250 - I have started to lose again. So, it's all about the 'tweaking'.

Yes, a job should be rewarding/satisfying. If you don't like the job you are at .. maybe it IS time to try to move on.


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NONIE_C 5/13/2010 2:13AM

    You are doing such a great job to create a life with meaning, and even if you don't know exactly how that life will unfold, the fact that this is how you spend your time an energy is so beautiful. And I have faith that you're path will become more and more clear as you continue to follow your heart. I'm glad to hear about your sis and her family; that's really good news. And I'm excited for you...I'm excited to see where this journey leads you. Oh, and just to throw it out there, you should be creative about what you can do with your training. What kind of work would be meaningful to you? Kids? Elderly? Environment? Conservation? Animal rights? ...the list goes on and on. What would give your life meaning? I ask, because there might be a way for you to use your legal expertise in the field/area of your choice. Just a thought. No matter what you do, just make sure it's something you love.
emoticon Nicole

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JHADZHIA 5/13/2010 1:31AM

    Its going to take some tweaking to find out what is right for you and your body. Just have to be patient! Glad your co worker had great news to share!
Nice to have a bright spot in your day!
Keep on trucking, its all we can do!

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LUNADRAGON 5/13/2010 12:32AM

    Lots of good things to be glad about. Sometimes we cannot move as much as we really want. I overdid it a few weeks ago, then through a fitness tracker through my insurance, I logged my workouts and discovered I was still over doing it. I get wiped out too. So, now I am trying to schedule myself so that I do not overdo it, or get wiped out.
Keep up the good work. Allow a rest day once a week for your muscles to recover, and keep drinking your water!
You CAN do it.

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"Acting as If" and Other Great Day Musings

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So much to say today! First off, THANK YOU SparkFriends! Your comments in response to my blogs, on my page and on message boards gave me a thread to hang on until I could start to change the channel. I would not still be on SparkPeople without you! That is not to say I am fragile - but I was blindsided by the intensity of what was going on and just swirling mentally for a while.

When I was a child, because of the history, when I went to live with Dad at 13, I was about 6 years old in terms of maturity and have been trying to catch up ever since. Dad sent me to a girls' boarding school (the best thing he could have done) and my social deficiencies were glaring. One of my coping mechanisms actually turns out to be positive: Act as if until it is. I have done this for years for other reasons. I would act confident until one day I realized I felt confident. I spoke with compassion until my heart became genuine (think the Grinch - my heart was really small!). I had to attend a webinar during lunchtime today, so I took a few short walks. During the first one, I decided to act as if I am successful at this journey until I really am.

Acting as if means I do not have permission to go back to the don't move if you can help it lifestyle. It means I will continue tracking my food, exercising to the best of my ability and adjusting that when my body tells me I need to. It means consciously putting myself first in some circumstances. It may sound strange, but just making that decision was liberating. The sun was out, gorgeous blue sky and very cool. Absolutely delightful! My mood lifted!

I've tested it out and decided that last week's plan of 7K steps one day and 12K steps the next is too much. This week, I am aiming for 10K steps every day and avoiding stairs. Yesterday I got 10193. My pedometer dumped steps today, but I have over 6K before the glitch happened. (It changes time every once in a while, so it starts a new day somewhere in the middle of the current day. Usually I catch it, but I did not today.)

A little bit of strength training and stretching during the day. I consciously got up from the computer and walked around today. That improved my stress level slightly. Then I stepped on the elliptical again. My first time was a week or so ago and I lasted 45 seconds. Totally rubber legs! Today was not much different except that I lasted about 75 seconds! I really like the elliptical. Me! I like some kind of exercise! It's terrible that I can hardly do it, but....I will improve every time I do it! How cool is that! It's kind of like getting Spark points for doing different things - I love the positive feedback!

At the same time, I'm discovering weird things with my body and mind. I think I am going to attribute them to a reaction to everything. (one of them is suddenly forgetting passwords). Losing my mental prowess is my biggest fear. If this continues, I'll go see my doctor.......bleh

But there is good news! GREAT news! Good news: my sister found a new home to rent and will soon be out of a tenuous situation! She moves about June 15. The same amount of rent and a bigger place and a sane landlord! I am so happy1

But what really is the GREAT news is that her stepfather DOES NOT, DOES NOT, DOES NOT have prostate cancer! I just got both calls and am over the moon with my ecstatic reaction! Dad died from prostate cancer that metastisized to bone cancer and my older cousin has prostate cancer, so to hear that Larry might have it made the family just reel!

I could not end on a more positive note than that!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NADJAZZ 5/16/2010 10:52AM

    I really enjoyed reading this! I'm a big believer in acting "as if", but unlike you, I have a hard time putting it into practice. Thank you for the inspiration!

How wonderful that things are looking up for your sister and her family.

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SCHIEDLER260 5/12/2010 3:43PM

    As if! I love that mentality... thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I'm so grateful that you got good news! That always helps our mental state no matter what else is going on.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/12/2010 1:03PM

  emoticon on all the great news you received. *yay* :) elliptical? i just got on that thing this morning at the gym.. i almost croaked. LOL! i only did 5 minutes.. but, hey.. its my first time on it. tomorrow - i am hoping to do more than just 5 minutes. :) great going on getting all that exercise in. you are really doing amazing.


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KATHRYN1955 5/12/2010 7:16AM

    "Act as if, until it is" ....kind of like the "fake it 'til you make it" theory!! I have always been plagued with lack of self-confidence, and this is a good reminder for me.
Actually I did find myself doing that yesterday. I have lost 15 pounds and I realized as I was strolling through the stores, that I had not even thought about my weight and if I was looking fat. Truly liberating!!
Great news about your family members!!
Take care,
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JHADZHIA 5/12/2010 1:48AM

    Glad to hear good news from you!! What you are doing in reality, is visualizing, a very powerful form of making things happen. Its one of the things Sparks suggests you do. See it, do it, and then it becomes! The elliptical is a very powerful workout. I had the exact same reaction when I first started it 10 or more years ago. Even today, it makes me out of breath and lets me know my legs have been worked real good in no uncertain terms, and I am in the best shape I have ever been in! Just have (lots) of patience, it will come!

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ROX2013 5/12/2010 1:26AM

    So glad to hear everything is ok for your sister and her stepfather. I like your coping idea!!

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/12/2010 1:06AM

    I am so glad you feel better today and are finding the positive to hold on to. Your eloquent words today really helped me with my own struggles, and I thank you for sharing your heart so openly. You are going to get where you want to be and it is going to be worth the effort AND the wait.
Take care!

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CASSIOEPIA 5/12/2010 12:15AM

    That IS a great day. I love your mantra about acting it until it is. Such great words of wisdom that we could all use.

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MARY526 5/11/2010 11:29PM

    I think your coping mechanism, "Act as if, until it is" sounds great.
Keep up the good work. It sounds like you are doing great.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/11/2010 11:24PM

    emoticonThis blog shows what the power of positive thinking can accomplish!
You sound so much calmer and in control today and I'm so happy for you!

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TDHFIFTY 5/11/2010 9:40PM

    Good for you!! Keep up the great work.

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On Empty and Fighting It

Monday, May 10, 2010

Today, I reduced my calorie range. I know everyone says that's the wrong thing to do, but I think the other side of that coin is that I am still not doing enough exercise and I am not in a space where I can or want to increase that.

When things are not going well, I tend to become something of a hermit. In my positive moments today, I have told myself that I have to keep moving forward because going back to the couch potato life is not an option. But there's nothing left in the tank from which to draw inspiration, drive and a good attitude. This is not fishing for comments, compliments or anything else. I am trying to be honest with me. As I write this, BF is eating a bowl of sweet cereal which does not tempt me. However, as I glanced over, for the first time, I had a thought of resentment. I ended the day 5 calories under the top and have no margin for more food. On the other hand, I am not hungry, so what's the big deal?

The deal is that I still have some vestiges of "diet" thinking. I am going to break my weekly date with the scale and tape measure for a while. Those numbers do not have the right to take my power and sentence my week to a good one or a bad one.

Instead of results, I am going to focus on the journey. I am seriously thinking of starting over instead of, as I have been doing, starting anew every day.

I had lunch with a friend. We went to Burger King. I had almost said no, but I picked up the hint that she wanted to talk. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. At 450, a bit higher than I usually have for lunch, but it fit within my range (or so I thought at the time). She asked me how much I've lost and I said 16. She was astonished. Yvonne was a lot more slender when we met and I know from her history that she has lost about 200 pounds before. She is adding them back. I know she's not happy and she is not open to discussion about what she's doing. I welcomed the chance to talk about my weight loss and why I'm doing it. Until I hit this plateau, this conversation would have been enough to energize me for a week! Not so now.

On top of everything else, selective layoffs are still happening. Work had a huge RIF (reduction in force) last year. They said they were done cutting, but have been laying a person off here and there now and then ever since. When my boss sent an email today to the team without including me, it scared me! He's on vacation for most of this week, but, thankfully, answered my email with an apology that he was just in a hurry. Breathing but not complacent.

Somewhere down deep, the spark is still there. All I have to do is reach it and reignite the flame.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 5/11/2010 9:19PM

    Sometimes everything just comes at you at once. Hang in there, make small changes, and good choices, and you will get where you need to be.

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    All good suggestions, and there's clearly a lot of support for you here!

I hear you on the lay-offs, though. The anxiety that provokes can mess with your food choices and desires to exercise. After all, for a lot of us, jobs are our sole means of support; there's no safety net.

But I agree that that spark is there somewhere, and some downtime just for you would be great, as well as anything new that lights your fire ( brilliant idea, JHADZHIA!). Hey, you've been through a lot lately! I got so stressed from all the "negative" news a couple weeks ago that I took a break from tracking food. It was causing more stress than helping. I'm back on track now, and the break did me a world of good. Just a thought...

Keeping you in my thoughts emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/11/2010 5:44:29 PM

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/11/2010 8:26AM

  Did you ever buy the 'Spark' book? It is great for reigniting the spark. I decided to start all over and tune up what stopped working for me. I hit a plateau for a month! I was going crazy and letting the scale & tape measure rule how my day or week went. Stress isn't good either for wanting to lose weight. Applepiedreams (on my page) suggested yoga. Have you ever tried doing yoga to release some of your stress about work? Maybe it's something you could look into doing. If you wanted to.
16lbs is a great achievement. I am not 'just' saying that either. You have done great. And, especially when your BF eats sugary cereal in front of you too!
A couple of us have stepped back.. even taking a break from spark for a bit... you are only human. :) I agree with other posters when they say 'take a "me" time out'. Be sure you make time for yourself. We don't want you to burn out.


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VICD25 5/11/2010 7:16AM

    Juneau, your 4th paragraph is the absolute answer! I've been stalled for about 3 months lately. But, my mindset is that I'm not "dieting" or "losing weight", I'm making better choices.

I have to admit, one of the things that keeps me from spiraling downward is my furry friend. I'm sending you a big hug from her to boost your morale!

Hang in there and keep blogging. It's the only way we know how you are feeling.


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JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:32AM

    You have the right idea. Its the journey that is important, the results will come when they are ready. But it does sound like what Dee_Dee says, you need rest and relaxation, that 'me' time. You need to put some 'fun' in your life. Maybe a new activity or interest that will perk you up and give you something to look forward to. Something to take your mind off work, your pain, your stress.
Think you can find something? Its worth a try.
When I was at my lowest ebb, going on permanent disability, unable to complete University due to severe health problems brought on by stress, unable to be active physically or mentally, I discovered the game of bridge. My bridge mentor and partner who has supported me so much over my 16 years at the club, right from my very first day there, said I have come a long way, got out of my shell, aloofness, shyness, and just grew as a person. That is also why I feel I must give back to the bridge club, as it has given me a new lease on life. I feel I am actually worth something there, not just a blob on a Government disability pension, just living my life out doing nothing, waiting to die, an old maid living alone.
Here is to discovering a new interest, you never know where it might lead!

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NONIE_C 5/11/2010 2:20AM

    You're right, the spark is still there. And now, more than ever, you need to focus on doing whatever it takes to get that fire roaring again. I like DEE_DEE11's suggestion of extra sleep emoticon and drinking lots and lots of water is never a bad thing emoticon Maybe you need to do something extra special for yourself too, like a massage or pedicure, or whatever makes you feel pampered and precious. You just need a little nudge from yourself...a little reminder of your immense worth and why you embarked on this journey in the first place.
I have faith in you. You inspire me. Now go inspire yourself!!! emoticon

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DEE_DEE11 5/10/2010 11:47PM

    It sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life! Take a step back - make it a point to get extra sleep, extra fluids and extra "me" time so you can re-charge. We all need that! I'm sure the spark is just waiting.. emoticon

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