Thursday, May 13, 2010
Today was a much better day, not for any one thing, but for all of it. The morning flew by because I was dealing with tax exempt certificates. A simple task but time intensive.
Avoiding stairs is paying off. I had a couple of walks today. At lunch, I walked very briskly (I am a turtle, so it is relative!) for 38 minutes and walked farther than I have before. I broke a sweat, but not until afterwards. That was odd. For the 2nd or 3rd consecutive day, I got in over 10K steps. The other thing I did right was stretch my Achilles tendon after the walk. That felt really good AND I did not stiffen up in the afternoon!
The afternoon dragged a bit and the low point was when I saw the hire notice for the student in our Knoxville office. I knew one was coming, but it still makes me uneasy. This student is working for my boss doing there a lot of the same things I do here.
I had a bit of an energy dip in the afternoon, but, overall, what I ate today kept me from yawning my head off! I also got in the 10 glasses of water earlier in the day. I felt much more on track, even though all the concerns are still nibbling in my mind. I am back to my initial nutrition settings. We'll see how it goes.
Skipping the overtime, deferring that to tomorrow, I started doing some prep work for my final paper. I did not have class last night, but I went to school anyway. I always meet with one of my prior teachers who is becoming a mentor. He's encouraged me to look into becoming certified as a mediator and has offered to draft a letter of recommendation to the court. That would put extra money in my pocket! Anyway, I bounced an idea off him a week or two ago about this final paper. He remembered that and told me some news about the topic. CSR is my abbreviation for Collateral Source Rule. What that means is, in CA and other jurisdictions that have this rule, if you are the injured party in a personal injury case (the plaintiff), the defendant does not get to benefit by your fiscal responsibility. The defendant doesn't get to pay less just because you have insurance or other "collateral" sources that reimburse you for your expenses incurred by the injury. Today, I had a chance to look into the news he shared and it gave me a new slant for my paper! I am so excited! I am sure no one else will take this angle on the topic!
I mentioned to a coworker that I had checked out the elliptical and she told me another lady uses it just about every day. I used to sit next to Janis, so I felt comfortable asking her about the elliptical. We have two in our tiny work gym. One, she said, is broken and the other might be. So she went with me and got on the one I had used. Then I felt so silly! Turns out I had not been using it right! It has these long handles and little tiny curved ones. I had been using the large handles! Janis said those are for guys! Janis is even smaller than I am, she's a few inches shorter and probably 10 pounds smaller than I will be when I reach my goal. The other thing I saw was that I had been going backwards! That is the movement it makes when you are setting it up, so I had no clue! Boy, did I feel silly! My result today = my 3rd time on the elliptical: 135 seconds and my legs did not feel so rubbery and I did not feel dizzy! But I am so out of shape! All I can do is improve! I really liked it!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I knocked a little off my calorie range yesterday because I don't think I am exercising enough to lose tonnage and I just can't do more right now. I had not forgotten that I had increased the range a few weeks ago because I was beyond tired throughout the day. Stupidly, I did not expect that crushing fatigue to return but it has. I spent all day so hungry and so sleepy.
But I am still euphoric! Yesterday, I mentioned my sister and her family are moving to a better home that will have heat for the children and no psycho landlord. Her stepfather does not have prostrate cancer. Then, today, I got to see a really good friend/coworker. He works in our Charlotte NC office but was in town for a meeting. He had a heart attack a little over a year ago. A young man, younger than I am, but bad genes and poor choices put him in that spot. Just barely recovered from that and he was diagnosed with leukemia. He looks great now! His heart is doing well, he is in remission and faces another couple of years of chemo.
Giving him a hug today was absolutely soul satisfying!
Kind of puts my tonnage battle in a different perspective...!
Thinking about changing jobs. Everything I read in SP and elsewhere speaks about doing work that is rewarding. I am GRATEFUL to have a job, I love the company where I work, but I do not like my job. It has taken me a while to recognize that. I am thinking about looking for work with the federal government. I know it takes a long time to get on board, but the thought is there.
About to be a paralegal, but I know I don't want to work in a law firm. I like working in a law department of a corporation.
Still thinking...Still trying to figure out balance in terms of nutrition, exercise and......everything. I'm not sure where I should be in terms of calories and the other metrics.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
So much to say today! First off, THANK YOU SparkFriends! Your comments in response to my blogs, on my page and on message boards gave me a thread to hang on until I could start to change the channel. I would not still be on SparkPeople without you! That is not to say I am fragile - but I was blindsided by the intensity of what was going on and just swirling mentally for a while.
When I was a child, because of the history, when I went to live with Dad at 13, I was about 6 years old in terms of maturity and have been trying to catch up ever since. Dad sent me to a girls' boarding school (the best thing he could have done) and my social deficiencies were glaring. One of my coping mechanisms actually turns out to be positive: Act as if until it is. I have done this for years for other reasons. I would act confident until one day I realized I felt confident. I spoke with compassion until my heart became genuine (think the Grinch - my heart was really small!). I had to attend a webinar during lunchtime today, so I took a few short walks. During the first one, I decided to act as if I am successful at this journey until I really am.
Acting as if means I do not have permission to go back to the don't move if you can help it lifestyle. It means I will continue tracking my food, exercising to the best of my ability and adjusting that when my body tells me I need to. It means consciously putting myself first in some circumstances. It may sound strange, but just making that decision was liberating. The sun was out, gorgeous blue sky and very cool. Absolutely delightful! My mood lifted!
I've tested it out and decided that last week's plan of 7K steps one day and 12K steps the next is too much. This week, I am aiming for 10K steps every day and avoiding stairs. Yesterday I got 10193. My pedometer dumped steps today, but I have over 6K before the glitch happened. (It changes time every once in a while, so it starts a new day somewhere in the middle of the current day. Usually I catch it, but I did not today.)
A little bit of strength training and stretching during the day. I consciously got up from the computer and walked around today. That improved my stress level slightly. Then I stepped on the elliptical again. My first time was a week or so ago and I lasted 45 seconds. Totally rubber legs! Today was not much different except that I lasted about 75 seconds! I really like the elliptical. Me! I like some kind of exercise! It's terrible that I can hardly do it, but....I will improve every time I do it! How cool is that! It's kind of like getting Spark points for doing different things - I love the positive feedback!
At the same time, I'm discovering weird things with my body and mind. I think I am going to attribute them to a reaction to everything. (one of them is suddenly forgetting passwords). Losing my mental prowess is my biggest fear. If this continues, I'll go see my doctor.......bleh
But there is good news! GREAT news! Good news: my sister found a new home to rent and will soon be out of a tenuous situation! She moves about June 15. The same amount of rent and a bigger place and a sane landlord! I am so happy1
But what really is the GREAT news is that her stepfather DOES NOT, DOES NOT, DOES NOT have prostate cancer! I just got both calls and am over the moon with my ecstatic reaction! Dad died from prostate cancer that metastisized to bone cancer and my older cousin has prostate cancer, so to hear that Larry might have it made the family just reel!
I could not end on a more positive note than that!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today, I reduced my calorie range. I know everyone says that's the wrong thing to do, but I think the other side of that coin is that I am still not doing enough exercise and I am not in a space where I can or want to increase that.
When things are not going well, I tend to become something of a hermit. In my positive moments today, I have told myself that I have to keep moving forward because going back to the couch potato life is not an option. But there's nothing left in the tank from which to draw inspiration, drive and a good attitude. This is not fishing for comments, compliments or anything else. I am trying to be honest with me. As I write this, BF is eating a bowl of sweet cereal which does not tempt me. However, as I glanced over, for the first time, I had a thought of resentment. I ended the day 5 calories under the top and have no margin for more food. On the other hand, I am not hungry, so what's the big deal?
The deal is that I still have some vestiges of "diet" thinking. I am going to break my weekly date with the scale and tape measure for a while. Those numbers do not have the right to take my power and sentence my week to a good one or a bad one.
Instead of results, I am going to focus on the journey. I am seriously thinking of starting over instead of, as I have been doing, starting anew every day.
I had lunch with a friend. We went to Burger King. I had almost said no, but I picked up the hint that she wanted to talk. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. At 450, a bit higher than I usually have for lunch, but it fit within my range (or so I thought at the time). She asked me how much I've lost and I said 16. She was astonished. Yvonne was a lot more slender when we met and I know from her history that she has lost about 200 pounds before. She is adding them back. I know she's not happy and she is not open to discussion about what she's doing. I welcomed the chance to talk about my weight loss and why I'm doing it. Until I hit this plateau, this conversation would have been enough to energize me for a week! Not so now.
On top of everything else, selective layoffs are still happening. Work had a huge RIF (reduction in force) last year. They said they were done cutting, but have been laying a person off here and there now and then ever since. When my boss sent an email today to the team without including me, it scared me! He's on vacation for most of this week, but, thankfully, answered my email with an apology that he was just in a hurry. Breathing but not complacent.
Somewhere down deep, the spark is still there. All I have to do is reach it and reignite the flame.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Mothers Day is a day I would rather ignore. There, I said it. At least I did not say I hate mother's day. That would be too harsh. My birth mother is still alive but we have not had a relationship by her choice since she kicked me out when I was 13. She did come to my high school graduation but I didn't know she was there until it was over. That is the only time I ever saw my parents in the same room. She saw the back of my dad's head and vanished. I don't know how she disappeared so fast. Dad never even knew she was there. They divorced shortly after I was born, so I don't know why they couldn't be civil for one evening so many years later.
Mother could not handle me. She always wanted a girl, but she did not want me. I was born with a mild handicap and she couldn't handle that. Dad was in the Army, so I was born clear across the country from where she grew up. She is one of those people who hates to travel. Dad went to Austria and we went back home to New Mexico. She divorced Dad and married her high school sweetheart. I was about 10 when I found out he was not my father. Even before I knew, I was always treated differently. I did not eat with the family, was not allowed to play with my siblings and Mother's favorite form of punishment was to deprive me of food. I seldom had 3 meals a day. That may have been the only way she thought she could get my attention.
I met Dad and his new family when I was 13. I was 4'6" tall and weighed 67 pounds. By the end of the summer, I was about 80 pounds, which was probably about right. I knew nothing of such things! For many years after that, I ate every time there was food around. Even recently, if there was food at work, even if I did not want it, I would take it for later. I do have food insecurity!
But thinking about Mother is not what has put me in such a bad space. My dad's second wife was wonderful for me, even though I made her life miserable when I was a teen. She is still great! Dad's widow has a good heart. We are not close, but I do care about her. When I started my senior year of college, I met someone who I call my adopted mom. Having her in my life began some of the healing I needed. She is in her 80s and not doing well, so there's some anxiety about the inevitable there. As far as moms go, I have been blessed to have 3 great women in my life. And, as I always say, the fact that my mother and I do not is actually a source of strength for me. She raised me to think everyone in the world is better than me. I have no prejudice based on race, color, gender or sexual preference. My prejudice is more related to other forms of snobbery: grasp of the English language and perceived intelligence. I am working on those! My judgmental attitude has definitely held me back! I reserve my harshest judgment for me. SP is helping me soften that back talk!
My bad mental space, however, has less to do with the fact that this is Mother's Day than with the fact that my numbers are not pleasing. I gained .2 this week after a week of eating and exercising right. The tape measure shows gains in almost every metric. I am really frustrated! I really wanted to be below 170 by now and I am 4 pounds above that. I feel like doing something drastic and, while my head knows this is diet thinking, my heart feels like punishing me because I cannot seem to be heading in the right direction!
I don't know how to approach this! These gains follow a few weeks of being very consistent and I honestly did not expect this result.
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