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Mothers Day = Not in a Good Mental Space

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Mothers Day is a day I would rather ignore. There, I said it. At least I did not say I hate mother's day. That would be too harsh. My birth mother is still alive but we have not had a relationship by her choice since she kicked me out when I was 13. She did come to my high school graduation but I didn't know she was there until it was over. That is the only time I ever saw my parents in the same room. She saw the back of my dad's head and vanished. I don't know how she disappeared so fast. Dad never even knew she was there. They divorced shortly after I was born, so I don't know why they couldn't be civil for one evening so many years later.

Mother could not handle me. She always wanted a girl, but she did not want me. I was born with a mild handicap and she couldn't handle that. Dad was in the Army, so I was born clear across the country from where she grew up. She is one of those people who hates to travel. Dad went to Austria and we went back home to New Mexico. She divorced Dad and married her high school sweetheart. I was about 10 when I found out he was not my father. Even before I knew, I was always treated differently. I did not eat with the family, was not allowed to play with my siblings and Mother's favorite form of punishment was to deprive me of food. I seldom had 3 meals a day. That may have been the only way she thought she could get my attention.

I met Dad and his new family when I was 13. I was 4'6" tall and weighed 67 pounds. By the end of the summer, I was about 80 pounds, which was probably about right. I knew nothing of such things! For many years after that, I ate every time there was food around. Even recently, if there was food at work, even if I did not want it, I would take it for later. I do have food insecurity!

But thinking about Mother is not what has put me in such a bad space. My dad's second wife was wonderful for me, even though I made her life miserable when I was a teen. She is still great! Dad's widow has a good heart. We are not close, but I do care about her. When I started my senior year of college, I met someone who I call my adopted mom. Having her in my life began some of the healing I needed. She is in her 80s and not doing well, so there's some anxiety about the inevitable there. As far as moms go, I have been blessed to have 3 great women in my life. And, as I always say, the fact that my mother and I do not is actually a source of strength for me. She raised me to think everyone in the world is better than me. I have no prejudice based on race, color, gender or sexual preference. My prejudice is more related to other forms of snobbery: grasp of the English language and perceived intelligence. I am working on those! My judgmental attitude has definitely held me back! I reserve my harshest judgment for me. SP is helping me soften that back talk!

My bad mental space, however, has less to do with the fact that this is Mother's Day than with the fact that my numbers are not pleasing. I gained .2 this week after a week of eating and exercising right. The tape measure shows gains in almost every metric. I am really frustrated! I really wanted to be below 170 by now and I am 4 pounds above that. I feel like doing something drastic and, while my head knows this is diet thinking, my heart feels like punishing me because I cannot seem to be heading in the right direction!

I don't know how to approach this! These gains follow a few weeks of being very consistent and I honestly did not expect this result.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/12/2010 12:59AM

    Try to see how far you've come and not let the "stall" get you down too much. I know it is hard to see a gain after such hard work, but unfortunately it is going to happen. You are doing so well and are such an inspiration to so many people here! You are already a success and you have every right to treat yourself like one! Hang in there and take care of yourself!

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JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:15AM

    I am so sorry to hear what you went through as a child! I can surely see why you would have issues with food. Its so hard to give up our past as children, because, after all, its our most formative years and what shapes us as human beings. You have had quite a lot to overcome and you have done amazingly well!
You are doing it! You are doing it for you! Even when the scale won't budge, you must still keep on doing it! You will feel better, both mentally and physically. You do have support from your Spark friends! We are here for you!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/9/2010 10:04PM

  You are doing the 'right' things to lose weight. Just try to be patient. As people do plateau .. and, I plateaued for a long time myself. Keep on doing what you are doing.. you are doing great. And, remember - you cannot give up... because *I* can't. ;)

Mothers day is difficult for me because I miss my mom. I was suppose to be visiting her on the morning that she passed away and I have felt guilty and horrible about that ever since. :(

So, Thank you for posting such a blog.


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CHARLOTTE1947 5/9/2010 8:31PM

    I am glad we have a chance to vent here. Many of us face terrible personal challenges. My sisters and I had problems with our dad which I won't go into. My sisters are still angry, still hurting. I spent several years deliberately living inside the pain and thinking a lot about what happened. During that time of reflection, though young, I dated no one because I did not trust myself to pick a good man. I thought a lot about men who were kind and loving to me and looked to them as role models. I found redeeming qualities in my father when I stood back and looked in objectively; you may not find good qualities in your mother. In the end, I forgave him. It is so liberating! He had a hard life too and it affected him. There are whole years that go by when I don't think about the pain he caused. I will never have amnesia about his abuse, but I have moved on and don't live in that poison anymore. He's gone now. I never celebrated Father's Day with him, but best of all, it's not a hurtful day now.

If you truly forgive your mother, you will truly forget: I PROMISE. And food will no longer have an emotional hold on you. God bless you.

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    I was drawn to your blog because of the title showing up on my SP Friends Feed. And oh goodness, the details are different, but our stories are the same as far as outcome. It's just not a "happy" or "celebrate-able" day for me, so your blog made me feel less alone in a mad world.

Hang in there - I have stalled out, too. The closer we get to our goal, the more our metabolism adapts, and weight loss can be slow. The healthy habits will do you good. I've been finding exercise helps me loads with the panic and emptiness - even though I have bollocksed up the eating the last few days. Just embrace the 80/20 rule, and know that your body is still adjusting itself to your healthful lifestyle!

Blessings to you!

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AHAPPYLIFE 5/9/2010 4:45PM

    Although my relationship was good with my mother, when she passed away I celebrated mothers day with a card to my dad. He kind of took her place in the mothering department. They are now both gone and I've adopted my mother in law.

I hope that you are able to find peace with your mother's actions and live a full happy life.

Your numbers will happen with perserverance. I know I'm working on that very thing (stalled weight loss) because something seems to be standing in the way. I call it my albatross. I'm still working to get that bird off my back so I can move on. At least I'm hoping that's what it is.


Comment edited on: 5/9/2010 4:49:03 PM

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CARRAND 5/9/2010 4:24PM

    Hang in there. You have a lot of past history to deal with, and it sounds like you are coping pretty well. I'm trying to get below 170, too, and I feel liked I'm stalled. I'm so close to my goal and I want it to go faster. Just keep at it and eventually the pounds will drop. You've come a long ways. Don't give up on yourself.

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CHRISADONNER 5/9/2010 3:49PM

    Mother's Day used to be one of the worst for me. I grew up with an abusive mother and can so easily see the marks of that abuse on me and my four younger siblings. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 35 years and I've fantasized about being in a room with her and just demanding to know how she could do those things to her own children. I just couldn't understand it. And then on Mother's Day I'd get calls or emails from my sister and brothers in tears because they did call her and just got dumped on all over again. I've thought about reconciling with her just to get some closure, but she has always frightened me too much to do that. Now she is getting rather senile and wouldn't recognize me or understand who I am. So I've had to come to peace with no answers, no understanding, and all that old pain.

I've learned that you have to deal with the past in order to move into the future. You have to talk through the loss and the grief. People think that grieving only comes when a person dies, but there are many kinds of grief. The loss of your childhood is a big one. You never had a chance for that. The loss of love and security. You had to find that from other women, and even though you did, there is still an inner longing, an inner grieving that has to be allowed out.

Why don't you celebrate Mother's Day by having a private little funeral for your mother? Write down all of your feelings and then go bury them somewhere. Lay her to rest so you can start feeling some energy.

Take time to breathe. You are the most important person in your world. Treat yourself the way our mother should have treated you.

Many blessings!

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ROX2013 5/9/2010 3:02PM

    Slow down! you are a inspiration to the rest of us! You are making progress everyday! Sometimes just slowing down and looking over what you have done will help you put back into the right frame of mind. For me Mothers Day is hard, my mom's birthday was May 1st and then we got to celebrate Mothers day. So it is always a little sad the first part of May. You are a blessed person beautiful inside and out and no one is better than you (we all put our pants on one leg at a time unless you someone who likes to jump in with both feet)!

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    Step back and take a deep breath - in fact take five or ten!
You are one of the strongest people I know and you've come so far - focus on who you used to be compared to who you are now. You are kind, caring, and compassionate. Your words and encouragement have gotten me through a lot of rough patches. I don't know if you truly realize how much you inspire many of us!
Take a "rest and relaxation" day to be good to yourself. Sometimes I find that doing that encourages my body to let go of the weight and I get a pleasant surprise the next weigh-in day. Plateaus, especially when we are close to a personal goal, can be difficult to deal with. Draw your strength from deep inside and from your friends here and continue on - you can do this!

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Cookies and Cream Klondike Bar and Letter Carrier Food Drive

Saturday, May 08, 2010

I woke up feeling very, very, very stiff. I had hoped to do 12K steps today. I took a walk this morning for something over 5K. Just before I left the house, I turned just a little and gave myself a slight groin pull. I moved very carefully and managed not to make it worse. Coming home from the walk, I could barely make it up the stairs to the house. My knee was worse.

I stayed within my calorie range and was even able to have a Klondike bar for dessert. It was a treat, but not one I will have often at all. A neighbor gave us two,

My one day challenge team was to do something that we had been procrastinating about. It dovetailed nicely with my plan. I had already planned to rearrange the pantry because today was the Letter Carrier Food Drive. I intended to gather 16 pounds of food to signify the 16 I've lost. I've never donated that much at once before and it ended up being something over 20. Not to brag on what I did, but I was just so glad to help fight hunger. My own food insecurity could be the subject of a number of blogs!

So it was not the most productive day, but not a wasted day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:07AM

    Sorry about your knee! Hope you feel better soon! Way to go on the great food donation!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/9/2010 10:59AM

  I am really sorry to hear that your knee is hurting you. :( I hope your knee gets better soon. Congrats on the food drive. :) Sounds like you had a good day. :)

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/9/2010 10:47AM

    I'm sorry to hear that your knee is still giving you problems. I've had to adjust to shorter, more frequent walking times lately due to mine, although it is doing better since I've concentrated more on strength exercises for my thigh muscles.
I put a large bag of items out for my letter carrier and he drove right by them! Of course, it was pouring down the rain and spitting sleet so I can't really blame him too much. I brought them back in and will take them to the local Good Neighbors food pantry on Wednesday. It's only a few minutes away.
Stay positive,

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MISSY455 5/9/2010 1:09AM

    emoticon donation. What a great way to combine two goals. I hope your knee starts feeling better soon. Try to enjoy the rest of your weekend!!


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JILLSMYTH 5/9/2010 12:21AM

  emoticon Fantastic donation! And GREAT job on your loss!

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WHITEANGEL4 5/8/2010 11:57PM

    Thats a wonderful donation. We filled our bag and put it in the mailbox for the carrier. So many need right now

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ETTEZEUS 5/8/2010 11:53PM

    OUCH!! Hope the knee gets better quick!
I LOVE Slim-A-Bear Klondike bars!!
Great job on the food donation!

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Burnt Out, Nervous and Amazed

Saturday, May 08, 2010

I woke up this morning feeling really lousy in a nonspecific way. I called in sick, which I did not want to do, but I just knew had I dragged in, I would have wasted the time at work. I missed out on the overtime, but I guess that falls into the category of taking care of myself. It still feels uncomfortable and selfish.

I slept a lot and ate a lot of carbs which seems to have settled my stomach. I felt like throwing in the towel and eating whatever I wanted, telling myself I didn't care what it would do in my nutrition tracker. The internal debate as to whether or not I'd log in the food raged for a while. Ultimately, I did log it all in and was astonished to discover that I stayed within range in all categories, except for beinga smidge low in calcium! I was surprised that I logged in the food, not sure what that means. What has changed in my attitude? Maybe it's indicative of the changing relationship with food. That's another blog, for certain!

However, I cannot say the relationship is entirely changed. I commented on a blog today about emotional eating. I joined the EE team shortly after I joined SP and, somehow, in acknowledging the triggers, I lessoned the strength of those triggers. Or so I thought.

Honestly, I have to say that today was the SP version of emotional eating. While I was home today, my cellphone rang which is rare. It was a number I did not recognize and I almost didn't answer it. Good thing I did. Turns out it was someone from Kaiser calling to follow up on the referral from my doctor. I am two years behind schedule on getting the baseline colonoscopy done. It will be June 7 and I am nervous! The lady said I'll get info in the mail and told me briefly that I won't be able to eat fruit or fiber or a whole lot of other things before the test. I have to take some tablets about 2 days before and then drink some stuff after I start the fast. I can't imagine how that nutritional change will impact my week on SP. I read online that I won't be able to drive home from the test. I'll probably have to take a cab roundtrip.

I've been putting this off for two years, knowing better. There are lots of stories, both within my family, and elsewhere about people putting off tests only to find out later that they really should not have waited. I don't expect anything from this except being uncomfortable, but I do have to live my words and do what I always encourage others to do.

The burnout comes from life in general. Work is not interesting, homelife is less than ideal and my motivation with SP fluctuates. Not sure what the answer is, but I need to keep moving forward, doing what I know to be the right thing.

What did I learn today? I'm not so far down the road with emotional eating as I thought, but I have made significant progress. I need to do something to restore the energy in my life in all ways. Lastly, my commitment to my SP journey is stronger than I thought. I have to stay with it, warts and all. Today was a zero day for exercise and modestly successful in onthers. The great thing is that tomorrow is a new day unencumbered by history. As a friend of mine said once, Success must be earned every day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:04AM

    You did well in spite of being down, you stuck with it! Its interesting, but when my stomach is giving me problems and I get the runs too often, I find a good feed of pasta stops it right up. I also discovered Beano (thanks to a Spark buddy's suggestion I try it) helps me and now I am doing okay. Turns out I was having trouble digesting all those complex carbs and it was affecting my digestive tract in a very bad manner. Now I take two or three tablets just before I eat my raw veggies and fruit and I do just fine! I wish you all the best with your colonoscopy.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/8/2010 5:33PM

  Wow! This is how *I* am feeling right now. Not been a good day for me. Feeling like I'm going backwards instead of moving forward. It is good to know that others feel the same way sometimes. You are doing great.


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RIPPEDPAUL1 5/8/2010 9:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

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UNIBOK 5/8/2010 8:58AM

    You are making so many good decisions, my friend. Logging, even when you don't want to. Answering the phone, even when you don't want to. Taking care of yourself, even when that seems wierd.

Good for you! I'm glad you are staying with us here at SP. We need your inspiration!

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TOMWDCSKC 5/8/2010 4:49AM

    Backsliding is normal but don't get discouraged. I had colonoscopy about a year ago and it was as RNSHARON said "a breeze". I had to have my older sister (now deceased) drive me home. Sticking with Spark is a good thing. Perhaps there are some local Spark people around you who get together they can help alot plus you get to meet some really neat people. I don't socialize but one of my workmates does. DINY123 meets and walks with some of the Spark people. Good Luck on your journey. YOU CAN DO IT. emoticon emoticon

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ROX2013 5/8/2010 12:34AM

    You are doing just what you probably needed today! Everyone stumbles and most like you get back on track right away! Colonscopy is bad but the cleaning out is a hassle. You will do fine!!! Have a great weekend!!

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RNSHARON 5/8/2010 12:27AM

    Great job sticking with SP; we all have setbacks - but what great learning you've achieved!

Just had my colonoscopy - it was a breeze. The clean out is the worse part.

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Balance is Elusive

Friday, May 07, 2010

I got over 7K steps today without working at it. My knee is really sore, so I skipped the stairs and used the elevator. I chafe at this because this week is just gorgeous: clear sky, light breeze and cool enough to walk at lunch. I savor every moment like this because I know summer is coming. Summer is too hot for me so I will have to start getting up EARLY and getting my time in then.

Today was supposed to be strength training and I did not follow through. I am so tired and sore that I was afraid I'd set myself back further if I did not take the day off.

Tomorrow is another 12K step day. I'm fortunate to have the hills for the days when my knee doesn't want stairs.

I'm hungry, but I have not given in to the urge to overeat this evening. I'm not sure why I had such thoughts tonight. I was ready to eat anything even though I had already had dinner.

And now I have stayed up too late AGAIN! I'm still not where I should be in any aspect of this journey! But I do like the progress I have made and am not giving my heart those old negative messages of failure that I used to. The mental silence is deafening! But I should be able to sleep better tonight than I did last night!

Thanks, SparkFriends, for your comments on my activity, Goodies, blog comments and page comments! I have not had time to respond individually, but I appreciate the smiles and votes of confidence more than I can adequately express.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 5/7/2010 12:04PM

    You say that you are not where you should be in this journey, but YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU SHOULD BE!!! And don't you forget it. You may not be where you WANT to be, but that's a whole different story. The fact of the matter is that you are taking the necessary steps (and slip-ups) to be successful. You may not want to even have those slip-ups, but they are part of the process. You are unlearning and relearning, and no matter how you slice it, that's some tough work. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, and you're doing an amazing job. Listen to your body, take care of it, and celebrate your successes! You're amazing!!!!
emoticon Nicole

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JANLEEW 5/7/2010 11:52AM

    Just walking help with a sore knee, back etc. Just a little will help (unless injured or severe pain). You are doing great. You are where you should be right now. You will get where you are going, patience is a necessity! Keep moving, keep tracking!

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Thursday, May 06, 2010

A month or so ago, on the one day challenge team, the suggestion was to create a visual representation of either pounds lost or of pound to be lost. I decided to do both. I gathered up a bunch of those paperclips that are covered in colorful plastic. I took two big ones and hooked strings of 10 to one. At that point, I had lost 10 pounds, so I put one string on the other. The week after that, I lost a pound, so I moved one clip over. And there it sat for a few weeks. Long story short, I now have 16 clips on the lost side. A little down about that, I thought it was far too slow. I have been so focused on wanting to lose 10% (old WW goal) that I lost sight of where I am. The 16 pounds lost, gone forever, means I have lost 20% of what I need to lose! Perhaps I should let go of the old goal and reward myself now for this new milestone. Hmmm.

This week has been going very well, sort of. I decided to back off on the 10K steps per day and aim for 12K on alternate days and, on the days I do what passes for strength training 5K. That has worked very well so far! Over 13K on Monday and over 12K today. I was careful not to use the stairs yesterday and moved gently. My weaker leg and knee appreciated that. My knee was still sore today so I skipped the stairs, but managed to walk anyway. I like backing off of the all or nothing thoughts I had. Telling myself to be gentle with reminders to take care is a novelty.

I know I need to do a lot more in terms of exercise and strength training. Little by little, I learn a new exercise or find I am walking faster, with less pain or have more endurance.

The scale and the tape measure are not agreeing with my self-assessment. My clothes feel looser, my body moves more easily, I almost feel as if I stand taller. Of course I want the tonnage to be gone now, of course, I want to be strong and beautiful now.

Sidebar: yesterday, I saw a blog here where the lady is a fit model. I really wanted to add her picture to my page to serve as an inspiration. Not that I want to work quite that hard, but I would like to look somewhat that fit. Perhaps inspiration is not the word because I didn't feel as if I would light the world on fire and do what she has done. Admiration is probably more accurate. I will be who I am, I will be stronger, I will be more healthy. Along with that comes the mental strength and emotional balance to see myself clearly and to value myself appropriately. No vanity, but appreciation of the total person. I'm not saying this eloquently, but I can already tell that this journey is creating a whole person inside and out.

I've been getting that crazy message about me working out more than my calories again. Last time I monkeyed with that, I started a plateau. I'm going to leave it be for a bit and see how I feel. I've been hovering at the high end of calories the last couple of days. I will probably end the day slightly over. I still feel a bit hungry, but not enough to chow down.

I don't think I aced the midterm, but I came close (I hope). There were two definitions that I did not answer precisely and that may cost me. I hope I get a chance to do some extra credit! I planned to spend my lunch hour studying and was not going to take a walk thereby risking my step goal. But I went walking first and studied while I ate lunch. It was much cooler than Sunday and that made for perfect walking. Absolutely gorgeous! I loved my walk! I walked faster and with more ease up and down the hills. I took the elevator back up and used the ride to stretch. I am starting to experience some benefits from exercise. I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed the chance to clear my head and I loved the post-exercise feeling - sitting tall at my desk and mentally sharp.

I am sure I could blather on for a long time, but I have not been exceptionally consistent about getting 8 hours of sleep, so........Good night, Spark Friends!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROX2013 5/6/2010 2:25PM

    The paperclips are a great idea!! I am glad you do well on your midterm, having something like that going on can make you lose sight of what is important. But you are staying focused on keeping up your exercise, meal plan etc. Awesome that you are listening to your body and doing the alternate step days. Have a great Friday!!! emoticon

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JHADZHIA 5/6/2010 12:13PM

    Good idea with the paper clips. When you are feeling better exercising, that is great news. Feeling your progress is wonderful! Listening to your body is essential too. It will let you know when its time to rest, sleep and eat. Make sure you are getting enough water too!
Keep up the great work!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/6/2010 8:37AM

  that paper clipping is a great idea. :) congrats on deciding to do 12k on alternate days. good luck in getting your 8 hours of sleep .. or getting back on track with it. :)

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TUDI4480 5/6/2010 1:42AM

    I like the way you are finding ways to enjoy everyday. The walk sounds...effortless...fun!
emoticon emoticon

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MAESTRACH 5/6/2010 1:28AM

    Love the paper clip idea! That's awesome!!!

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