JUNEAU2010   157,105
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"Acting as If" and Other Great Day Musings

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So much to say today! First off, THANK YOU SparkFriends! Your comments in response to my blogs, on my page and on message boards gave me a thread to hang on until I could start to change the channel. I would not still be on SparkPeople without you! That is not to say I am fragile - but I was blindsided by the intensity of what was going on and just swirling mentally for a while.

When I was a child, because of the history, when I went to live with Dad at 13, I was about 6 years old in terms of maturity and have been trying to catch up ever since. Dad sent me to a girls' boarding school (the best thing he could have done) and my social deficiencies were glaring. One of my coping mechanisms actually turns out to be positive: Act as if until it is. I have done this for years for other reasons. I would act confident until one day I realized I felt confident. I spoke with compassion until my heart became genuine (think the Grinch - my heart was really small!). I had to attend a webinar during lunchtime today, so I took a few short walks. During the first one, I decided to act as if I am successful at this journey until I really am.

Acting as if means I do not have permission to go back to the don't move if you can help it lifestyle. It means I will continue tracking my food, exercising to the best of my ability and adjusting that when my body tells me I need to. It means consciously putting myself first in some circumstances. It may sound strange, but just making that decision was liberating. The sun was out, gorgeous blue sky and very cool. Absolutely delightful! My mood lifted!

I've tested it out and decided that last week's plan of 7K steps one day and 12K steps the next is too much. This week, I am aiming for 10K steps every day and avoiding stairs. Yesterday I got 10193. My pedometer dumped steps today, but I have over 6K before the glitch happened. (It changes time every once in a while, so it starts a new day somewhere in the middle of the current day. Usually I catch it, but I did not today.)

A little bit of strength training and stretching during the day. I consciously got up from the computer and walked around today. That improved my stress level slightly. Then I stepped on the elliptical again. My first time was a week or so ago and I lasted 45 seconds. Totally rubber legs! Today was not much different except that I lasted about 75 seconds! I really like the elliptical. Me! I like some kind of exercise! It's terrible that I can hardly do it, but....I will improve every time I do it! How cool is that! It's kind of like getting Spark points for doing different things - I love the positive feedback!

At the same time, I'm discovering weird things with my body and mind. I think I am going to attribute them to a reaction to everything. (one of them is suddenly forgetting passwords). Losing my mental prowess is my biggest fear. If this continues, I'll go see my doctor.......bleh

But there is good news! GREAT news! Good news: my sister found a new home to rent and will soon be out of a tenuous situation! She moves about June 15. The same amount of rent and a bigger place and a sane landlord! I am so happy1

But what really is the GREAT news is that her stepfather DOES NOT, DOES NOT, DOES NOT have prostate cancer! I just got both calls and am over the moon with my ecstatic reaction! Dad died from prostate cancer that metastisized to bone cancer and my older cousin has prostate cancer, so to hear that Larry might have it made the family just reel!

I could not end on a more positive note than that!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NADJAZZ 5/16/2010 10:52AM

    I really enjoyed reading this! I'm a big believer in acting "as if", but unlike you, I have a hard time putting it into practice. Thank you for the inspiration!

How wonderful that things are looking up for your sister and her family.

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SCHIEDLER260 5/12/2010 3:43PM

    As if! I love that mentality... thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I'm so grateful that you got good news! That always helps our mental state no matter what else is going on.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/12/2010 1:03PM

  emoticon on all the great news you received. *yay* :) elliptical? i just got on that thing this morning at the gym.. i almost croaked. LOL! i only did 5 minutes.. but, hey.. its my first time on it. tomorrow - i am hoping to do more than just 5 minutes. :) great going on getting all that exercise in. you are really doing amazing.

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~Kim

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KATHRYN1955 5/12/2010 7:16AM

    "Act as if, until it is" ....kind of like the "fake it 'til you make it" theory!! I have always been plagued with lack of self-confidence, and this is a good reminder for me.
Actually I did find myself doing that yesterday. I have lost 15 pounds and I realized as I was strolling through the stores, that I had not even thought about my weight and if I was looking fat. Truly liberating!!
Great news about your family members!!
Take care,
Kathy
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JHADZHIA 5/12/2010 1:48AM

    Glad to hear good news from you!! What you are doing in reality, is visualizing, a very powerful form of making things happen. Its one of the things Sparks suggests you do. See it, do it, and then it becomes! The elliptical is a very powerful workout. I had the exact same reaction when I first started it 10 or more years ago. Even today, it makes me out of breath and lets me know my legs have been worked real good in no uncertain terms, and I am in the best shape I have ever been in! Just have (lots) of patience, it will come!
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ROX2013 5/12/2010 1:26AM

    So glad to hear everything is ok for your sister and her stepfather. I like your coping idea!!

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MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/12/2010 1:06AM

    I am so glad you feel better today and are finding the positive to hold on to. Your eloquent words today really helped me with my own struggles, and I thank you for sharing your heart so openly. You are going to get where you want to be and it is going to be worth the effort AND the wait.
Take care!

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CASSIOEPIA 5/12/2010 12:15AM

    That IS a great day. I love your mantra about acting it until it is. Such great words of wisdom that we could all use.

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MARY526 5/11/2010 11:29PM

    I think your coping mechanism, "Act as if, until it is" sounds great.
Keep up the good work. It sounds like you are doing great.

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/11/2010 11:24PM

    emoticonThis blog shows what the power of positive thinking can accomplish!
You sound so much calmer and in control today and I'm so happy for you!
Sheila

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TDHFIFTY 5/11/2010 9:40PM

    Good for you!! Keep up the great work.

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On Empty and Fighting It

Monday, May 10, 2010

Today, I reduced my calorie range. I know everyone says that's the wrong thing to do, but I think the other side of that coin is that I am still not doing enough exercise and I am not in a space where I can or want to increase that.

When things are not going well, I tend to become something of a hermit. In my positive moments today, I have told myself that I have to keep moving forward because going back to the couch potato life is not an option. But there's nothing left in the tank from which to draw inspiration, drive and a good attitude. This is not fishing for comments, compliments or anything else. I am trying to be honest with me. As I write this, BF is eating a bowl of sweet cereal which does not tempt me. However, as I glanced over, for the first time, I had a thought of resentment. I ended the day 5 calories under the top and have no margin for more food. On the other hand, I am not hungry, so what's the big deal?

The deal is that I still have some vestiges of "diet" thinking. I am going to break my weekly date with the scale and tape measure for a while. Those numbers do not have the right to take my power and sentence my week to a good one or a bad one.

Instead of results, I am going to focus on the journey. I am seriously thinking of starting over instead of, as I have been doing, starting anew every day.

I had lunch with a friend. We went to Burger King. I had almost said no, but I picked up the hint that she wanted to talk. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. At 450, a bit higher than I usually have for lunch, but it fit within my range (or so I thought at the time). She asked me how much I've lost and I said 16. She was astonished. Yvonne was a lot more slender when we met and I know from her history that she has lost about 200 pounds before. She is adding them back. I know she's not happy and she is not open to discussion about what she's doing. I welcomed the chance to talk about my weight loss and why I'm doing it. Until I hit this plateau, this conversation would have been enough to energize me for a week! Not so now.

On top of everything else, selective layoffs are still happening. Work had a huge RIF (reduction in force) last year. They said they were done cutting, but have been laying a person off here and there now and then ever since. When my boss sent an email today to the team without including me, it scared me! He's on vacation for most of this week, but, thankfully, answered my email with an apology that he was just in a hurry. Breathing but not complacent.

Somewhere down deep, the spark is still there. All I have to do is reach it and reignite the flame.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMRAND54 5/11/2010 9:19PM

    Sometimes everything just comes at you at once. Hang in there, make small changes, and good choices, and you will get where you need to be.

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TURQUOISELOTUS 5/11/2010 5:41PM

    All good suggestions, and there's clearly a lot of support for you here!

I hear you on the lay-offs, though. The anxiety that provokes can mess with your food choices and desires to exercise. After all, for a lot of us, jobs are our sole means of support; there's no safety net.

But I agree that that spark is there somewhere, and some downtime just for you would be great, as well as anything new that lights your fire ( brilliant idea, JHADZHIA!). Hey, you've been through a lot lately! I got so stressed from all the "negative" news a couple weeks ago that I took a break from tracking food. It was causing more stress than helping. I'm back on track now, and the break did me a world of good. Just a thought...

Keeping you in my thoughts emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/11/2010 5:44:29 PM

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/11/2010 8:26AM

  Did you ever buy the 'Spark' book? It is great for reigniting the spark. I decided to start all over and tune up what stopped working for me. I hit a plateau for a month! I was going crazy and letting the scale & tape measure rule how my day or week went. Stress isn't good either for wanting to lose weight. Applepiedreams (on my page) suggested yoga. Have you ever tried doing yoga to release some of your stress about work? Maybe it's something you could look into doing. If you wanted to.
16lbs is a great achievement. I am not 'just' saying that either. You have done great. And, especially when your BF eats sugary cereal in front of you too!
A couple of us have stepped back.. even taking a break from spark for a bit... you are only human. :) I agree with other posters when they say 'take a "me" time out'. Be sure you make time for yourself. We don't want you to burn out.

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VICD25 5/11/2010 7:16AM

    Juneau, your 4th paragraph is the absolute answer! I've been stalled for about 3 months lately. But, my mindset is that I'm not "dieting" or "losing weight", I'm making better choices.

I have to admit, one of the things that keeps me from spiraling downward is my furry friend. I'm sending you a big hug from her to boost your morale!

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Hang in there and keep blogging. It's the only way we know how you are feeling.

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JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:32AM

    You have the right idea. Its the journey that is important, the results will come when they are ready. But it does sound like what Dee_Dee says, you need rest and relaxation, that 'me' time. You need to put some 'fun' in your life. Maybe a new activity or interest that will perk you up and give you something to look forward to. Something to take your mind off work, your pain, your stress.
Think you can find something? Its worth a try.
When I was at my lowest ebb, going on permanent disability, unable to complete University due to severe health problems brought on by stress, unable to be active physically or mentally, I discovered the game of bridge. My bridge mentor and partner who has supported me so much over my 16 years at the club, right from my very first day there, said I have come a long way, got out of my shell, aloofness, shyness, and just grew as a person. That is also why I feel I must give back to the bridge club, as it has given me a new lease on life. I feel I am actually worth something there, not just a blob on a Government disability pension, just living my life out doing nothing, waiting to die, an old maid living alone.
Here is to discovering a new interest, you never know where it might lead!

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NONIE_C 5/11/2010 2:20AM

    You're right, the spark is still there. And now, more than ever, you need to focus on doing whatever it takes to get that fire roaring again. I like DEE_DEE11's suggestion of extra sleep emoticon and drinking lots and lots of water is never a bad thing emoticon Maybe you need to do something extra special for yourself too, like a massage or pedicure, or whatever makes you feel pampered and precious. You just need a little nudge from yourself...a little reminder of your immense worth and why you embarked on this journey in the first place.
I have faith in you. You inspire me. Now go inspire yourself!!! emoticon

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DEE_DEE11 5/10/2010 11:47PM

    It sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life! Take a step back - make it a point to get extra sleep, extra fluids and extra "me" time so you can re-charge. We all need that! I'm sure the spark is just waiting.. emoticon

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Mothers Day = Not in a Good Mental Space

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Mothers Day is a day I would rather ignore. There, I said it. At least I did not say I hate mother's day. That would be too harsh. My birth mother is still alive but we have not had a relationship by her choice since she kicked me out when I was 13. She did come to my high school graduation but I didn't know she was there until it was over. That is the only time I ever saw my parents in the same room. She saw the back of my dad's head and vanished. I don't know how she disappeared so fast. Dad never even knew she was there. They divorced shortly after I was born, so I don't know why they couldn't be civil for one evening so many years later.

Mother could not handle me. She always wanted a girl, but she did not want me. I was born with a mild handicap and she couldn't handle that. Dad was in the Army, so I was born clear across the country from where she grew up. She is one of those people who hates to travel. Dad went to Austria and we went back home to New Mexico. She divorced Dad and married her high school sweetheart. I was about 10 when I found out he was not my father. Even before I knew, I was always treated differently. I did not eat with the family, was not allowed to play with my siblings and Mother's favorite form of punishment was to deprive me of food. I seldom had 3 meals a day. That may have been the only way she thought she could get my attention.

I met Dad and his new family when I was 13. I was 4'6" tall and weighed 67 pounds. By the end of the summer, I was about 80 pounds, which was probably about right. I knew nothing of such things! For many years after that, I ate every time there was food around. Even recently, if there was food at work, even if I did not want it, I would take it for later. I do have food insecurity!

But thinking about Mother is not what has put me in such a bad space. My dad's second wife was wonderful for me, even though I made her life miserable when I was a teen. She is still great! Dad's widow has a good heart. We are not close, but I do care about her. When I started my senior year of college, I met someone who I call my adopted mom. Having her in my life began some of the healing I needed. She is in her 80s and not doing well, so there's some anxiety about the inevitable there. As far as moms go, I have been blessed to have 3 great women in my life. And, as I always say, the fact that my mother and I do not is actually a source of strength for me. She raised me to think everyone in the world is better than me. I have no prejudice based on race, color, gender or sexual preference. My prejudice is more related to other forms of snobbery: grasp of the English language and perceived intelligence. I am working on those! My judgmental attitude has definitely held me back! I reserve my harshest judgment for me. SP is helping me soften that back talk!

My bad mental space, however, has less to do with the fact that this is Mother's Day than with the fact that my numbers are not pleasing. I gained .2 this week after a week of eating and exercising right. The tape measure shows gains in almost every metric. I am really frustrated! I really wanted to be below 170 by now and I am 4 pounds above that. I feel like doing something drastic and, while my head knows this is diet thinking, my heart feels like punishing me because I cannot seem to be heading in the right direction!

I don't know how to approach this! These gains follow a few weeks of being very consistent and I honestly did not expect this result.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 5/12/2010 12:59AM

    Try to see how far you've come and not let the "stall" get you down too much. I know it is hard to see a gain after such hard work, but unfortunately it is going to happen. You are doing so well and are such an inspiration to so many people here! You are already a success and you have every right to treat yourself like one! Hang in there and take care of yourself!

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JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:15AM

    I am so sorry to hear what you went through as a child! I can surely see why you would have issues with food. Its so hard to give up our past as children, because, after all, its our most formative years and what shapes us as human beings. You have had quite a lot to overcome and you have done amazingly well!
You are doing it! You are doing it for you! Even when the scale won't budge, you must still keep on doing it! You will feel better, both mentally and physically. You do have support from your Spark friends! We are here for you!
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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/9/2010 10:04PM

  You are doing the 'right' things to lose weight. Just try to be patient. As people do plateau .. and, I plateaued for a long time myself. Keep on doing what you are doing.. you are doing great. And, remember - you cannot give up... because *I* can't. ;)

Mothers day is difficult for me because I miss my mom. I was suppose to be visiting her on the morning that she passed away and I have felt guilty and horrible about that ever since. :(

So, Thank you for posting such a blog.

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CHARLOTTE1947 5/9/2010 8:31PM

    I am glad we have a chance to vent here. Many of us face terrible personal challenges. My sisters and I had problems with our dad which I won't go into. My sisters are still angry, still hurting. I spent several years deliberately living inside the pain and thinking a lot about what happened. During that time of reflection, though young, I dated no one because I did not trust myself to pick a good man. I thought a lot about men who were kind and loving to me and looked to them as role models. I found redeeming qualities in my father when I stood back and looked in objectively; you may not find good qualities in your mother. In the end, I forgave him. It is so liberating! He had a hard life too and it affected him. There are whole years that go by when I don't think about the pain he caused. I will never have amnesia about his abuse, but I have moved on and don't live in that poison anymore. He's gone now. I never celebrated Father's Day with him, but best of all, it's not a hurtful day now.

If you truly forgive your mother, you will truly forget: I PROMISE. And food will no longer have an emotional hold on you. God bless you.

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TURQUOISELOTUS 5/9/2010 5:21PM

    I was drawn to your blog because of the title showing up on my SP Friends Feed. And oh goodness, the details are different, but our stories are the same as far as outcome. It's just not a "happy" or "celebrate-able" day for me, so your blog made me feel less alone in a mad world.

Hang in there - I have stalled out, too. The closer we get to our goal, the more our metabolism adapts, and weight loss can be slow. The healthy habits will do you good. I've been finding exercise helps me loads with the panic and emptiness - even though I have bollocksed up the eating the last few days. Just embrace the 80/20 rule, and know that your body is still adjusting itself to your healthful lifestyle!

Blessings to you!
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AHAPPYLIFE 5/9/2010 4:45PM

    Although my relationship was good with my mother, when she passed away I celebrated mothers day with a card to my dad. He kind of took her place in the mothering department. They are now both gone and I've adopted my mother in law.

I hope that you are able to find peace with your mother's actions and live a full happy life.

Your numbers will happen with perserverance. I know I'm working on that very thing (stalled weight loss) because something seems to be standing in the way. I call it my albatross. I'm still working to get that bird off my back so I can move on. At least I'm hoping that's what it is.

Melissa

Comment edited on: 5/9/2010 4:49:03 PM

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CMRAND54 5/9/2010 4:24PM

    Hang in there. You have a lot of past history to deal with, and it sounds like you are coping pretty well. I'm trying to get below 170, too, and I feel liked I'm stalled. I'm so close to my goal and I want it to go faster. Just keep at it and eventually the pounds will drop. You've come a long ways. Don't give up on yourself.

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CHRISADONNER 5/9/2010 3:49PM

    Mother's Day used to be one of the worst for me. I grew up with an abusive mother and can so easily see the marks of that abuse on me and my four younger siblings. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 35 years and I've fantasized about being in a room with her and just demanding to know how she could do those things to her own children. I just couldn't understand it. And then on Mother's Day I'd get calls or emails from my sister and brothers in tears because they did call her and just got dumped on all over again. I've thought about reconciling with her just to get some closure, but she has always frightened me too much to do that. Now she is getting rather senile and wouldn't recognize me or understand who I am. So I've had to come to peace with no answers, no understanding, and all that old pain.

I've learned that you have to deal with the past in order to move into the future. You have to talk through the loss and the grief. People think that grieving only comes when a person dies, but there are many kinds of grief. The loss of your childhood is a big one. You never had a chance for that. The loss of love and security. You had to find that from other women, and even though you did, there is still an inner longing, an inner grieving that has to be allowed out.

Why don't you celebrate Mother's Day by having a private little funeral for your mother? Write down all of your feelings and then go bury them somewhere. Lay her to rest so you can start feeling some energy.

Take time to breathe. You are the most important person in your world. Treat yourself the way our mother should have treated you.

Many blessings!
Chris

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ROX2013 5/9/2010 3:02PM

    Slow down! you are a inspiration to the rest of us! You are making progress everyday! Sometimes just slowing down and looking over what you have done will help you put back into the right frame of mind. For me Mothers Day is hard, my mom's birthday was May 1st and then we got to celebrate Mothers day. So it is always a little sad the first part of May. You are a blessed person beautiful inside and out and no one is better than you (we all put our pants on one leg at a time unless you someone who likes to jump in with both feet)!

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/9/2010 1:33PM

    Step back and take a deep breath - in fact take five or ten!
You are one of the strongest people I know and you've come so far - focus on who you used to be compared to who you are now. You are kind, caring, and compassionate. Your words and encouragement have gotten me through a lot of rough patches. I don't know if you truly realize how much you inspire many of us!
Take a "rest and relaxation" day to be good to yourself. Sometimes I find that doing that encourages my body to let go of the weight and I get a pleasant surprise the next weigh-in day. Plateaus, especially when we are close to a personal goal, can be difficult to deal with. Draw your strength from deep inside and from your friends here and continue on - you can do this!
Sheila

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Cookies and Cream Klondike Bar and Letter Carrier Food Drive

Saturday, May 08, 2010

I woke up feeling very, very, very stiff. I had hoped to do 12K steps today. I took a walk this morning for something over 5K. Just before I left the house, I turned just a little and gave myself a slight groin pull. I moved very carefully and managed not to make it worse. Coming home from the walk, I could barely make it up the stairs to the house. My knee was worse.

I stayed within my calorie range and was even able to have a Klondike bar for dessert. It was a treat, but not one I will have often at all. A neighbor gave us two,

My one day challenge team was to do something that we had been procrastinating about. It dovetailed nicely with my plan. I had already planned to rearrange the pantry because today was the Letter Carrier Food Drive. I intended to gather 16 pounds of food to signify the 16 I've lost. I've never donated that much at once before and it ended up being something over 20. Not to brag on what I did, but I was just so glad to help fight hunger. My own food insecurity could be the subject of a number of blogs!

So it was not the most productive day, but not a wasted day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:07AM

    Sorry about your knee! Hope you feel better soon! Way to go on the great food donation!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/9/2010 10:59AM

  I am really sorry to hear that your knee is hurting you. :( I hope your knee gets better soon. Congrats on the food drive. :) Sounds like you had a good day. :)

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/9/2010 10:47AM

    I'm sorry to hear that your knee is still giving you problems. I've had to adjust to shorter, more frequent walking times lately due to mine, although it is doing better since I've concentrated more on strength exercises for my thigh muscles.
I put a large bag of items out for my letter carrier and he drove right by them! Of course, it was pouring down the rain and spitting sleet so I can't really blame him too much. I brought them back in and will take them to the local Good Neighbors food pantry on Wednesday. It's only a few minutes away.
Stay positive,
Sheila

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MISSY455 5/9/2010 1:09AM

    emoticon donation. What a great way to combine two goals. I hope your knee starts feeling better soon. Try to enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

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JILLSMYTH 5/9/2010 12:21AM

  emoticon Fantastic donation! And GREAT job on your loss!

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WHITEANGEL4 5/8/2010 11:57PM

    Thats a wonderful donation. We filled our bag and put it in the mailbox for the carrier. So many need right now

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ETTEZEUS 5/8/2010 11:53PM

    OUCH!! Hope the knee gets better quick!
I LOVE Slim-A-Bear Klondike bars!!
Great job on the food donation!

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Burnt Out, Nervous and Amazed

Saturday, May 08, 2010

I woke up this morning feeling really lousy in a nonspecific way. I called in sick, which I did not want to do, but I just knew had I dragged in, I would have wasted the time at work. I missed out on the overtime, but I guess that falls into the category of taking care of myself. It still feels uncomfortable and selfish.

I slept a lot and ate a lot of carbs which seems to have settled my stomach. I felt like throwing in the towel and eating whatever I wanted, telling myself I didn't care what it would do in my nutrition tracker. The internal debate as to whether or not I'd log in the food raged for a while. Ultimately, I did log it all in and was astonished to discover that I stayed within range in all categories, except for beinga smidge low in calcium! I was surprised that I logged in the food, not sure what that means. What has changed in my attitude? Maybe it's indicative of the changing relationship with food. That's another blog, for certain!

However, I cannot say the relationship is entirely changed. I commented on a blog today about emotional eating. I joined the EE team shortly after I joined SP and, somehow, in acknowledging the triggers, I lessoned the strength of those triggers. Or so I thought.

Honestly, I have to say that today was the SP version of emotional eating. While I was home today, my cellphone rang which is rare. It was a number I did not recognize and I almost didn't answer it. Good thing I did. Turns out it was someone from Kaiser calling to follow up on the referral from my doctor. I am two years behind schedule on getting the baseline colonoscopy done. It will be June 7 and I am nervous! The lady said I'll get info in the mail and told me briefly that I won't be able to eat fruit or fiber or a whole lot of other things before the test. I have to take some tablets about 2 days before and then drink some stuff after I start the fast. I can't imagine how that nutritional change will impact my week on SP. I read online that I won't be able to drive home from the test. I'll probably have to take a cab roundtrip.

I've been putting this off for two years, knowing better. There are lots of stories, both within my family, and elsewhere about people putting off tests only to find out later that they really should not have waited. I don't expect anything from this except being uncomfortable, but I do have to live my words and do what I always encourage others to do.

The burnout comes from life in general. Work is not interesting, homelife is less than ideal and my motivation with SP fluctuates. Not sure what the answer is, but I need to keep moving forward, doing what I know to be the right thing.

What did I learn today? I'm not so far down the road with emotional eating as I thought, but I have made significant progress. I need to do something to restore the energy in my life in all ways. Lastly, my commitment to my SP journey is stronger than I thought. I have to stay with it, warts and all. Today was a zero day for exercise and modestly successful in onthers. The great thing is that tomorrow is a new day unencumbered by history. As a friend of mine said once, Success must be earned every day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JHADZHIA 5/11/2010 2:04AM

    You did well in spite of being down, you stuck with it! Its interesting, but when my stomach is giving me problems and I get the runs too often, I find a good feed of pasta stops it right up. I also discovered Beano (thanks to a Spark buddy's suggestion I try it) helps me and now I am doing okay. Turns out I was having trouble digesting all those complex carbs and it was affecting my digestive tract in a very bad manner. Now I take two or three tablets just before I eat my raw veggies and fruit and I do just fine! I wish you all the best with your colonoscopy.

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/8/2010 5:33PM

  Wow! This is how *I* am feeling right now. Not been a good day for me. Feeling like I'm going backwards instead of moving forward. It is good to know that others feel the same way sometimes. You are doing great.

emoticon

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RIPPEDPAUL1 5/8/2010 9:33AM

    emoticon emoticon

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UNIBOK 5/8/2010 8:58AM

    You are making so many good decisions, my friend. Logging, even when you don't want to. Answering the phone, even when you don't want to. Taking care of yourself, even when that seems wierd.

Good for you! I'm glad you are staying with us here at SP. We need your inspiration!

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TOMWDCSKC 5/8/2010 4:49AM

    Backsliding is normal but don't get discouraged. I had colonoscopy about a year ago and it was as RNSHARON said "a breeze". I had to have my older sister (now deceased) drive me home. Sticking with Spark is a good thing. Perhaps there are some local Spark people around you who get together they can help alot plus you get to meet some really neat people. I don't socialize but one of my workmates does. DINY123 meets and walks with some of the Spark people. Good Luck on your journey. YOU CAN DO IT. emoticon emoticon

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ROX2013 5/8/2010 12:34AM

    You are doing just what you probably needed today! Everyone stumbles and most like you get back on track right away! Colonscopy is bad but the cleaning out is a hassle. You will do fine!!! Have a great weekend!!

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RNSHARON 5/8/2010 12:27AM

    Great job sticking with SP; we all have setbacks - but what great learning you've achieved!

Just had my colonoscopy - it was a breeze. The clean out is the worse part.

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