Tuesday, May 11, 2010
So much to say today! First off, THANK YOU SparkFriends! Your comments in response to my blogs, on my page and on message boards gave me a thread to hang on until I could start to change the channel. I would not still be on SparkPeople without you! That is not to say I am fragile - but I was blindsided by the intensity of what was going on and just swirling mentally for a while.
When I was a child, because of the history, when I went to live with Dad at 13, I was about 6 years old in terms of maturity and have been trying to catch up ever since. Dad sent me to a girls' boarding school (the best thing he could have done) and my social deficiencies were glaring. One of my coping mechanisms actually turns out to be positive: Act as if until it is. I have done this for years for other reasons. I would act confident until one day I realized I felt confident. I spoke with compassion until my heart became genuine (think the Grinch - my heart was really small!). I had to attend a webinar during lunchtime today, so I took a few short walks. During the first one, I decided to act as if I am successful at this journey until I really am.
Acting as if means I do not have permission to go back to the don't move if you can help it lifestyle. It means I will continue tracking my food, exercising to the best of my ability and adjusting that when my body tells me I need to. It means consciously putting myself first in some circumstances. It may sound strange, but just making that decision was liberating. The sun was out, gorgeous blue sky and very cool. Absolutely delightful! My mood lifted!
I've tested it out and decided that last week's plan of 7K steps one day and 12K steps the next is too much. This week, I am aiming for 10K steps every day and avoiding stairs. Yesterday I got 10193. My pedometer dumped steps today, but I have over 6K before the glitch happened. (It changes time every once in a while, so it starts a new day somewhere in the middle of the current day. Usually I catch it, but I did not today.)
A little bit of strength training and stretching during the day. I consciously got up from the computer and walked around today. That improved my stress level slightly. Then I stepped on the elliptical again. My first time was a week or so ago and I lasted 45 seconds. Totally rubber legs! Today was not much different except that I lasted about 75 seconds! I really like the elliptical. Me! I like some kind of exercise! It's terrible that I can hardly do it, but....I will improve every time I do it! How cool is that! It's kind of like getting Spark points for doing different things - I love the positive feedback!
At the same time, I'm discovering weird things with my body and mind. I think I am going to attribute them to a reaction to everything. (one of them is suddenly forgetting passwords). Losing my mental prowess is my biggest fear. If this continues, I'll go see my doctor.......bleh
But there is good news! GREAT news! Good news: my sister found a new home to rent and will soon be out of a tenuous situation! She moves about June 15. The same amount of rent and a bigger place and a sane landlord! I am so happy1
But what really is the GREAT news is that her stepfather DOES NOT, DOES NOT, DOES NOT have prostate cancer! I just got both calls and am over the moon with my ecstatic reaction! Dad died from prostate cancer that metastisized to bone cancer and my older cousin has prostate cancer, so to hear that Larry might have it made the family just reel!
I could not end on a more positive note than that!
Monday, May 10, 2010
Today, I reduced my calorie range. I know everyone says that's the wrong thing to do, but I think the other side of that coin is that I am still not doing enough exercise and I am not in a space where I can or want to increase that.
When things are not going well, I tend to become something of a hermit. In my positive moments today, I have told myself that I have to keep moving forward because going back to the couch potato life is not an option. But there's nothing left in the tank from which to draw inspiration, drive and a good attitude. This is not fishing for comments, compliments or anything else. I am trying to be honest with me. As I write this, BF is eating a bowl of sweet cereal which does not tempt me. However, as I glanced over, for the first time, I had a thought of resentment. I ended the day 5 calories under the top and have no margin for more food. On the other hand, I am not hungry, so what's the big deal?
The deal is that I still have some vestiges of "diet" thinking. I am going to break my weekly date with the scale and tape measure for a while. Those numbers do not have the right to take my power and sentence my week to a good one or a bad one.
Instead of results, I am going to focus on the journey. I am seriously thinking of starting over instead of, as I have been doing, starting anew every day.
I had lunch with a friend. We went to Burger King. I had almost said no, but I picked up the hint that she wanted to talk. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. At 450, a bit higher than I usually have for lunch, but it fit within my range (or so I thought at the time). She asked me how much I've lost and I said 16. She was astonished. Yvonne was a lot more slender when we met and I know from her history that she has lost about 200 pounds before. She is adding them back. I know she's not happy and she is not open to discussion about what she's doing. I welcomed the chance to talk about my weight loss and why I'm doing it. Until I hit this plateau, this conversation would have been enough to energize me for a week! Not so now.
On top of everything else, selective layoffs are still happening. Work had a huge RIF (reduction in force) last year. They said they were done cutting, but have been laying a person off here and there now and then ever since. When my boss sent an email today to the team without including me, it scared me! He's on vacation for most of this week, but, thankfully, answered my email with an apology that he was just in a hurry. Breathing but not complacent.
Somewhere down deep, the spark is still there. All I have to do is reach it and reignite the flame.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Mothers Day is a day I would rather ignore. There, I said it. At least I did not say I hate mother's day. That would be too harsh. My birth mother is still alive but we have not had a relationship by her choice since she kicked me out when I was 13. She did come to my high school graduation but I didn't know she was there until it was over. That is the only time I ever saw my parents in the same room. She saw the back of my dad's head and vanished. I don't know how she disappeared so fast. Dad never even knew she was there. They divorced shortly after I was born, so I don't know why they couldn't be civil for one evening so many years later.
Mother could not handle me. She always wanted a girl, but she did not want me. I was born with a mild handicap and she couldn't handle that. Dad was in the Army, so I was born clear across the country from where she grew up. She is one of those people who hates to travel. Dad went to Austria and we went back home to New Mexico. She divorced Dad and married her high school sweetheart. I was about 10 when I found out he was not my father. Even before I knew, I was always treated differently. I did not eat with the family, was not allowed to play with my siblings and Mother's favorite form of punishment was to deprive me of food. I seldom had 3 meals a day. That may have been the only way she thought she could get my attention.
I met Dad and his new family when I was 13. I was 4'6" tall and weighed 67 pounds. By the end of the summer, I was about 80 pounds, which was probably about right. I knew nothing of such things! For many years after that, I ate every time there was food around. Even recently, if there was food at work, even if I did not want it, I would take it for later. I do have food insecurity!
But thinking about Mother is not what has put me in such a bad space. My dad's second wife was wonderful for me, even though I made her life miserable when I was a teen. She is still great! Dad's widow has a good heart. We are not close, but I do care about her. When I started my senior year of college, I met someone who I call my adopted mom. Having her in my life began some of the healing I needed. She is in her 80s and not doing well, so there's some anxiety about the inevitable there. As far as moms go, I have been blessed to have 3 great women in my life. And, as I always say, the fact that my mother and I do not is actually a source of strength for me. She raised me to think everyone in the world is better than me. I have no prejudice based on race, color, gender or sexual preference. My prejudice is more related to other forms of snobbery: grasp of the English language and perceived intelligence. I am working on those! My judgmental attitude has definitely held me back! I reserve my harshest judgment for me. SP is helping me soften that back talk!
My bad mental space, however, has less to do with the fact that this is Mother's Day than with the fact that my numbers are not pleasing. I gained .2 this week after a week of eating and exercising right. The tape measure shows gains in almost every metric. I am really frustrated! I really wanted to be below 170 by now and I am 4 pounds above that. I feel like doing something drastic and, while my head knows this is diet thinking, my heart feels like punishing me because I cannot seem to be heading in the right direction!
I don't know how to approach this! These gains follow a few weeks of being very consistent and I honestly did not expect this result.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I woke up feeling very, very, very stiff. I had hoped to do 12K steps today. I took a walk this morning for something over 5K. Just before I left the house, I turned just a little and gave myself a slight groin pull. I moved very carefully and managed not to make it worse. Coming home from the walk, I could barely make it up the stairs to the house. My knee was worse.
I stayed within my calorie range and was even able to have a Klondike bar for dessert. It was a treat, but not one I will have often at all. A neighbor gave us two,
My one day challenge team was to do something that we had been procrastinating about. It dovetailed nicely with my plan. I had already planned to rearrange the pantry because today was the Letter Carrier Food Drive. I intended to gather 16 pounds of food to signify the 16 I've lost. I've never donated that much at once before and it ended up being something over 20. Not to brag on what I did, but I was just so glad to help fight hunger. My own food insecurity could be the subject of a number of blogs!
So it was not the most productive day, but not a wasted day.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I woke up this morning feeling really lousy in a nonspecific way. I called in sick, which I did not want to do, but I just knew had I dragged in, I would have wasted the time at work. I missed out on the overtime, but I guess that falls into the category of taking care of myself. It still feels uncomfortable and selfish.
I slept a lot and ate a lot of carbs which seems to have settled my stomach. I felt like throwing in the towel and eating whatever I wanted, telling myself I didn't care what it would do in my nutrition tracker. The internal debate as to whether or not I'd log in the food raged for a while. Ultimately, I did log it all in and was astonished to discover that I stayed within range in all categories, except for beinga smidge low in calcium! I was surprised that I logged in the food, not sure what that means. What has changed in my attitude? Maybe it's indicative of the changing relationship with food. That's another blog, for certain!
However, I cannot say the relationship is entirely changed. I commented on a blog today about emotional eating. I joined the EE team shortly after I joined SP and, somehow, in acknowledging the triggers, I lessoned the strength of those triggers. Or so I thought.
Honestly, I have to say that today was the SP version of emotional eating. While I was home today, my cellphone rang which is rare. It was a number I did not recognize and I almost didn't answer it. Good thing I did. Turns out it was someone from Kaiser calling to follow up on the referral from my doctor. I am two years behind schedule on getting the baseline colonoscopy done. It will be June 7 and I am nervous! The lady said I'll get info in the mail and told me briefly that I won't be able to eat fruit or fiber or a whole lot of other things before the test. I have to take some tablets about 2 days before and then drink some stuff after I start the fast. I can't imagine how that nutritional change will impact my week on SP. I read online that I won't be able to drive home from the test. I'll probably have to take a cab roundtrip.
I've been putting this off for two years, knowing better. There are lots of stories, both within my family, and elsewhere about people putting off tests only to find out later that they really should not have waited. I don't expect anything from this except being uncomfortable, but I do have to live my words and do what I always encourage others to do.
The burnout comes from life in general. Work is not interesting, homelife is less than ideal and my motivation with SP fluctuates. Not sure what the answer is, but I need to keep moving forward, doing what I know to be the right thing.
What did I learn today? I'm not so far down the road with emotional eating as I thought, but I have made significant progress. I need to do something to restore the energy in my life in all ways. Lastly, my commitment to my SP journey is stronger than I thought. I have to stay with it, warts and all. Today was a zero day for exercise and modestly successful in onthers. The great thing is that tomorrow is a new day unencumbered by history. As a friend of mine said once, Success must be earned every day.
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