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Balance is Elusive

Friday, May 07, 2010

I got over 7K steps today without working at it. My knee is really sore, so I skipped the stairs and used the elevator. I chafe at this because this week is just gorgeous: clear sky, light breeze and cool enough to walk at lunch. I savor every moment like this because I know summer is coming. Summer is too hot for me so I will have to start getting up EARLY and getting my time in then.

Today was supposed to be strength training and I did not follow through. I am so tired and sore that I was afraid I'd set myself back further if I did not take the day off.

Tomorrow is another 12K step day. I'm fortunate to have the hills for the days when my knee doesn't want stairs.

I'm hungry, but I have not given in to the urge to overeat this evening. I'm not sure why I had such thoughts tonight. I was ready to eat anything even though I had already had dinner.

And now I have stayed up too late AGAIN! I'm still not where I should be in any aspect of this journey! But I do like the progress I have made and am not giving my heart those old negative messages of failure that I used to. The mental silence is deafening! But I should be able to sleep better tonight than I did last night!

Thanks, SparkFriends, for your comments on my activity, Goodies, blog comments and page comments! I have not had time to respond individually, but I appreciate the smiles and votes of confidence more than I can adequately express.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NONIE_C 5/7/2010 12:04PM

    You say that you are not where you should be in this journey, but YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU SHOULD BE!!! And don't you forget it. You may not be where you WANT to be, but that's a whole different story. The fact of the matter is that you are taking the necessary steps (and slip-ups) to be successful. You may not want to even have those slip-ups, but they are part of the process. You are unlearning and relearning, and no matter how you slice it, that's some tough work. You are exactly where you're supposed to be, and you're doing an amazing job. Listen to your body, take care of it, and celebrate your successes! You're amazing!!!!
emoticon Nicole

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JANLEEW 5/7/2010 11:52AM

    Just walking help with a sore knee, back etc. Just a little will help (unless injured or severe pain). You are doing great. You are where you should be right now. You will get where you are going, patience is a necessity! Keep moving, keep tracking!

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20%

Thursday, May 06, 2010

A month or so ago, on the one day challenge team, the suggestion was to create a visual representation of either pounds lost or of pound to be lost. I decided to do both. I gathered up a bunch of those paperclips that are covered in colorful plastic. I took two big ones and hooked strings of 10 to one. At that point, I had lost 10 pounds, so I put one string on the other. The week after that, I lost a pound, so I moved one clip over. And there it sat for a few weeks. Long story short, I now have 16 clips on the lost side. A little down about that, I thought it was far too slow. I have been so focused on wanting to lose 10% (old WW goal) that I lost sight of where I am. The 16 pounds lost, gone forever, means I have lost 20% of what I need to lose! Perhaps I should let go of the old goal and reward myself now for this new milestone. Hmmm.

This week has been going very well, sort of. I decided to back off on the 10K steps per day and aim for 12K on alternate days and, on the days I do what passes for strength training 5K. That has worked very well so far! Over 13K on Monday and over 12K today. I was careful not to use the stairs yesterday and moved gently. My weaker leg and knee appreciated that. My knee was still sore today so I skipped the stairs, but managed to walk anyway. I like backing off of the all or nothing thoughts I had. Telling myself to be gentle with reminders to take care is a novelty.

I know I need to do a lot more in terms of exercise and strength training. Little by little, I learn a new exercise or find I am walking faster, with less pain or have more endurance.

The scale and the tape measure are not agreeing with my self-assessment. My clothes feel looser, my body moves more easily, I almost feel as if I stand taller. Of course I want the tonnage to be gone now, of course, I want to be strong and beautiful now.

Sidebar: yesterday, I saw a blog here where the lady is a fit model. I really wanted to add her picture to my page to serve as an inspiration. Not that I want to work quite that hard, but I would like to look somewhat that fit. Perhaps inspiration is not the word because I didn't feel as if I would light the world on fire and do what she has done. Admiration is probably more accurate. I will be who I am, I will be stronger, I will be more healthy. Along with that comes the mental strength and emotional balance to see myself clearly and to value myself appropriately. No vanity, but appreciation of the total person. I'm not saying this eloquently, but I can already tell that this journey is creating a whole person inside and out.

I've been getting that crazy message about me working out more than my calories again. Last time I monkeyed with that, I started a plateau. I'm going to leave it be for a bit and see how I feel. I've been hovering at the high end of calories the last couple of days. I will probably end the day slightly over. I still feel a bit hungry, but not enough to chow down.

I don't think I aced the midterm, but I came close (I hope). There were two definitions that I did not answer precisely and that may cost me. I hope I get a chance to do some extra credit! I planned to spend my lunch hour studying and was not going to take a walk thereby risking my step goal. But I went walking first and studied while I ate lunch. It was much cooler than Sunday and that made for perfect walking. Absolutely gorgeous! I loved my walk! I walked faster and with more ease up and down the hills. I took the elevator back up and used the ride to stretch. I am starting to experience some benefits from exercise. I enjoyed the walk, I enjoyed the chance to clear my head and I loved the post-exercise feeling - sitting tall at my desk and mentally sharp.

I am sure I could blather on for a long time, but I have not been exceptionally consistent about getting 8 hours of sleep, so........Good night, Spark Friends!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ROX2013 5/6/2010 2:25PM

    The paperclips are a great idea!! I am glad you do well on your midterm, having something like that going on can make you lose sight of what is important. But you are staying focused on keeping up your exercise, meal plan etc. Awesome that you are listening to your body and doing the alternate step days. Have a great Friday!!! emoticon

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JHADZHIA 5/6/2010 12:13PM

    Good idea with the paper clips. When you are feeling better exercising, that is great news. Feeling your progress is wonderful! Listening to your body is essential too. It will let you know when its time to rest, sleep and eat. Make sure you are getting enough water too!
Keep up the great work!

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CHAOTIC-KITTY 5/6/2010 8:37AM

  that paper clipping is a great idea. :) congrats on deciding to do 12k on alternate days. good luck in getting your 8 hours of sleep .. or getting back on track with it. :)

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TUDI4480 5/6/2010 1:42AM

    I like the way you are finding ways to enjoy everyday. The walk sounds...effortless...fun!
emoticon emoticon

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MAESTRACH 5/6/2010 1:28AM

    Love the paper clip idea! That's awesome!!!

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Lazy

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Came home to find BF not home. That means dinner was not ready. I wasn't hungry, so that was ok for a while. Hours later, I made something quickly. Not the most healthy thing, but not the worst (no junk in my house). Feeling guilty for being lazy.

BF is supposed to do all the house stuff because he does not work. I work and go to school. Wind out of my sail - did not feel like studying for my midterm......I hope I don't pay for it tomorrow. That's the thing about choices, even when made knowingly.

I did some strength training, but I always know it's not enough....

Going to bed early. Getting 8 hours sleep would be the smartest thing I've done in hours.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEGANC1988 5/5/2010 11:07AM

    It may be time to sit down with him and ask him to let you know if he's not going to be home, at least see if he could make something that you can heat up quickly since you're so tired after all your responsibilities.

good luck with your midterm!

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JHADZHIA 5/5/2010 12:54AM

    Being well rested is best for an exam. Last minute late night studying never worked for me. Good luck with it!

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MISSY455 5/4/2010 11:21PM

    Sometimes you have to pick the better of two evils...you have put a ton of studying into your midterm and sleep is very important. Hope you get a good nights sleep, it always makes the next day go so much smoother.

Good luck on your midterm...you will knock it out of the park!!!

emoticon Margie

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Awards, Spreading the Spark and Loving the SP Community

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I received several SP trophies today. The 15 pounder and the 3 month Sparkversary are ones I added. I had not really thought about logging on every day, accumulating pints and was stunned to see I'd racked up 1000 minutes! ME! I had so many slug days that I was stunned.

The funny thing is, every month I am surprised by these milestones because I first know about them through my friend feed! Thank you, ALL, for your great support and wonderful comments! You have no idea how that helps me keep going!

Your comments on my blogs, on my SparkPage, with Goodies (I feel wealthy!) all keep me focused and moving forward. Some days, I feel like giving up and I don't because how could I tell that to you? Each of you has your own isses and reasons and how selfish it would be for me to throw in the towel when what I have to deal with is not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.

I read a really great blog on SP today about a bunch of Spark People getting together to run a race. I was really inspired, less by the running, more by the fellowship. I have told a number of you that, if we ever meet, handshakes will not do. Hugs all around!

So how did I do today? I stayed up later than I wanted to last night and that made it really hard to get moving today. The day did not start with a stop at the elliptical. But I did wake up determined to get 12K steps in today. Throughout the day, I had reasons to go between two of the four buildings at work. Up and down the four flights of stairs. I walked to the cafe for my free fruit first thing in the morning and had a brisk walk at lunch. At one point, a coworker said I looked really good today! I was really stoked. My clothes feel looser despite the absence of change via the tape measure. Another coworker joined in the conversation and I ended up showing them my pedometer. When I got back to my desk, I emailed them the model information and the reasons why I like this particular one. I told them I was getting my steps in by choice - going to see someone instead of calling or emailing and looking for files myself instead of asking a student to bring them to me....I did not mention that I parked farther away and used the stairs whenever my knee allows. End of the day = 13,636!

Tomorrow will be strength training and, perhaps, 5K steps, giving my knee a rest. So far, my leg feels fine. We'll see how much a pretzel I feel like when the alarm sounds in the morning.

The evening ends with me feeling very relaxed. BF is eating some good food, but I cannot join in. I ended the day within range except low in fat and calcium, but almost at the top of carbs and calories. As I sit here, I realize my interest in food at the moment is academic, mental. I am content and I do not need to eat.

I was really excited about the 1000 minute trophy and can see why SparkPeople gives these rewards! Very cool! But even more wonderful is the warmth and celebration with and for me in my Spark community. Some of you are going through really rough times and you reach out beyond yourself to lift me up. I am humbled. I am deeply grateful. My success is a shared victory every day.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JANLEEW 5/5/2010 12:41AM

    Hooray! You chose well. Isn't this a marvelous place!

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JHADZHIA 5/5/2010 12:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
That is what makes Sparks so wonderful and helps so many people! We are all in this together!! We can do it! We are not alone!
emoticon

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MEGANC1988 5/4/2010 5:45PM

    emoticon

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PINK-SOLDIER 5/4/2010 9:44AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MELA1953 5/4/2010 9:29AM

    WooHoo- Congrats to you!!!

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Who Says "Diet" Food Can't Be Yummy?

Sunday, May 02, 2010

I have been so tired today, just a slug. My plan of a long walk did not happen and neither did much else. My shoulder pain spread to most of my back and hurt all day. Now, nearly lights out, it feels a bit better. I'm frustrated that every time I start making physical progress, I lose two days! I am looking forward to hitting the elliptical tomorrow, though!

The heat has not helped, but tomorrow should be slightly cooler. Even though I grew up in New Mexico, heat has never been something I could handle. I am dreading summer! I'll have to be better at time management to get my exercise in!

But that is in the future. I've been seeing a lot of posts by Sparkfriends about their goals for May. I have not set up short term goals and, as I thought about that today, I realized there's a little bit of fear of failure. I pledged to lose 30 pounds for the Pound for Pound Challenge by the end of June and am not even halfway there! I've been promising myself something when I lose 10% and I thought I would have achieved that in March. That's still 3 pounds away. SparkPeople says I lost 2 pounds this week, but the truth is, it was 1.5. Rounding, I guess. I am thrilled, though, because I have not been losing even a pound a week for a while.

What did I do right this week to lose? Just little tweaks. I've been consistent with water for a long time, but I added more. I made sure I ate more often and I made sure I have protein at breakfast. I still am dealing with the fatigue during the day and it drives me nuts. That tiredness tempts me to eat sugar, but I have not given in yet. Some Sparkfriends suggested more sleep and I had a much better day on Friday because of it. I also did switch off between the cardio and strength training. I know that's what the plan says, but I have been so acutely aware that I do so much less than everyone else that it didn't seem to matter.

So, here goes...
May goals:
Four pounds
Continue alternating days with strength and cardio
Continue listening to my body and taking a day off when I need to WITHOUT GUILT
Ace my midterm!

I ate lightly all day and discovered I had oodles of room for dinner. I had a great sandwich with almond butter and Activia light vanilla yogurt with frozen mixed berries. That was SO yummy, so refreshing!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 5/3/2010 8:25PM

    I'm not much of an exerciser. My plan is to do 30 minutes 4 days a week. Usually I do a little more, like yard work or heavy cleaning on an extra day. You're probably doing more than that, but it works for me. I've been losing pretty steadily a pound a week. I hope to reach my goal by the end of the summer.

I never complain about the heat because I complain all winter about the cold and I don't want to complain all year.

emoticon

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MEGANC1988 5/3/2010 5:52PM

    emoticon

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RE2BAH 5/2/2010 11:43PM

    Way to go! Set your goals and plan how to get there!

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JHADZHIA 5/2/2010 11:37PM

    How ironic! You were born in a nice warm place and can't take the heat, and I was born in a cold place and can't take the cold! Wish we could swap!! Every time the temperature drops, I feel the pain. Not been having a good week. Have some fresh fruit and yogurt for pick me ups when the fatigue sets in. Get the sweetest fruit for an energy boost.
Take care with the exercise! It doesn't matter how little you do, just that you are trying to do some consistently! You will feel when you have had enough. Some days maybe you can do more, some less. Don't fret it. You are you. What anyone else does matters not! Get some good sleep tonight!
emoticon

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ROX2013 5/2/2010 11:28PM

    I cooked my first meal in the temporary kitchen tonite, with had pork, peas and cottage cheese, I didn't use any salt on any of it and the cottage cheese tasted like I had. I have been noticing it more that I can tell processed food by the salty taste. I don't see food as diet or not but more as healthier than not! Sounds like you have a great plan for May!!! Especially about aceing your midterm!!! emoticon

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JAKEANDNELLIE 5/2/2010 11:27PM

    It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into the next few weeks. Good for you! I'm not a planner - I just live each day as it comes, thankful to still be here - I think that attitude is partially due to being retired!
I walk every day for 60 minutes total. That's the only exercise I do faithfully (most of the time!). Otherwise, I try to alternate a chair aerobics DVD and strength exercises every other day. I don't get upset if I skip them.
I've found I actually lose better with this amount of activity as long as I stay within my calorie range.
Stay positive and I hope you're feeling better soon.
Sheila

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