Saturday, April 17, 2010
I hardlly know where to start. I have been really tired this week and overslept a little this morning. I was hurrying out the door and BF asked for $20. Long story short, but I never have money at home because he'll either take it or badger me until I give it.
One of the rules is that he can't ask me for money at the last minute. This morning, when he asked, I emphatically said no. But he does not respect that and kept on. Long story short - we had an argument and that was an awful way to start the day. (I'm leaving out a lot)
I was really shaken and it made it hard to focus at work. In the past, that would have been enough for me to start stuffing my face, but the thought did not occur to me. I was so angry and so hurt!
BF did call and apologize and I accepted it, but I don't know how much of it was real and how much of it was a manipulative effort to get back on my good side so he could still get what he wanted.
I didn't walk a lot today, even though it was a gorgeous day. I still feel very stiff and sore and the tendon is tentative. I got just over 8K steps. The longest walk happened when I came home. As I feared, the angling for $20 started before I got in the door (2 messages on my cellphone while I was driving -- I don't use the phone in the car, even with the earpiece.) I finally caved but we walked to the store and I set a brisk pace because I was so angry. The fear is that if I don't give in, he will sell something of mine for far less than it's worth...
This is really off point and probably something I'll be embarrassed that I shared tomorrow, but.....
I cannot afford to move out and, under state law, cannot evict him, so I am stuck.
It is absolutely amazing that I ended the day within range in most respects (over on calcium, under on fat) AND gotten some exercise in. That is a far cry from my past coping mechanisms!
I still feel huge and dispair that the scale and tape measure will show anything for my efforts (Sunday morning). But that is nothing to dwell on tonight...
I am going to play a computer game and then head to bed for what I hope will be 8 hours of sleep!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I had my morning visit with Mr. Scale this morning as part of my cosmic joke week. He gave me another 1.2 pounds. I have decided daily visits are not for me. Mr. Scale gets to see me once a week. I know there are others who weigh every day, but I cannot. Maybe it's like gambling or investing, I don't have the risk tolerance to meet with Mr. Scale every day. It robs me of my positive energy and weighs down my attitude.
The other day, a coworker who is younger, shorter and heavier than I am asked me to start walking with her. This is the same coworker with whom I shared the Spark a few weeks ago. She was not ready then, but I got very excited about walking with her. I woke up prepared to take a slower and shorter walk and was primed to encourage her. I came up to her desk at the agreed upon time today and saw that she was not wearing walking shoes. Delia said she wanted to eat first and would come get me. The lunch hour elapsed. I should have gone walking by myself. I ended up not taking a lunchtime walk, but that was probably ok because the tendon is twinging again and I still feel really, really tired.
A few of you commented on my blog yesterday with the observation that I may not be getting enough water. I just recently learned that the 8 is the minimum water for the day, but I don't get more than that consistently yet. I am sure I need to increase it!
Being very tired, I am running out of coherent thought...Good night!
I forgot to share good news. I mentioned last week that my former employer went under last week and all my friends were laid off. One of them just got another job! Yippee!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I woke up this morning feeling as if I had never closed my eyes. I found myself thinking about food and trying to convince myself that if I ate something, I would not be tired. The thoughts continued even after a good breakfast and snack.
Lunch was a bit haphazard because of the meetings, but I made a great food choice at the school cafe for dinner before class. Very proud about that! I am getting better about flying blind without nutrition info!
I gave myself mental brownie points for that self-awareness. Fatigue was not a stuff-my-face trigger. I have been hungry today, but I am not sure it's true food hunger. I ended the day completely within balance in all the nutrition metrics.
Sore and stiff today, really feeling my age, but I walked every chance I got despite my crazy schedule. Racked up over 11K steps! I did take the elevator twice when my knee balked, but I used that time to do some squats and hip flexors.
The funny thing was: I brought 24 cupcakes to work today, a coworker brought coffee cake and I had none of it! Today was the 98th birthday of the man who founded my company. (he died 3 years ago Saturday). Doris made a sign that I asked her to make: "Happy Birthday, Chauncey, in heaven". He was the smartest man, had the longest vision of anyone I've ever known, a true giant of a man even though he was as short as I am!
I used bits of Chauncey's life as my springboard for today's Table Topics questions in our Toastmaster meeting and got very great feedback for my choices. Toastmasters is an international public speaking organization and my company sponsors a club. Table Topics is where you get to practice the skill of thinking and speaking on your feet. An example: my favorite quote from Chauncey is "If you don't love what you are doing, you need to be doing something else." I read that quote and asked one of the members to say what they should be doing if they lived that quote. (She came up with running a microbrewery!)
When I had my morning visit with Mr. Scale, he gave me a number 2.4 lbs less than yesterday, proving once again that daily weighing is too capricious to be reliable. My clothes did not feel as loose as yesterday, but I did not focus on that either...NO MATTER WHAT the tape measure or the scale says on Sunday, I know this was a very successful week.
Now, if only I could get some more exercise in...
(yes, I said that and yes, I think that as I drive home or to work!)
I'm discovering that exercise IS a stress reducer!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The scale this morning showed I gained .2 from yesterday. I almost laughed! I am not believing any of the numbers (see my blog from yesterday and the day before). TOM is threatening, but must be planning a big entrance because late is the word! (and, no, I am not in danger of expecting - just age and looming menopause)
As I did yesterday, I walked all throughout the day, but did not have a chance to take a walk of dedicated time. I got over 10K steps in and, as I went up and down the stairs (even with the rice krispy sounding knee) or down the halls, I realized I like feeling stronger, I like the way my body moves and I love the feeling that I am standing taller. Being under 5 feet, that is a novel feeling!
I'm starting to get a bad vibe at work about the overtime project. I guess they thought I'd have a magic wand or something. No, I think what happened is the supervising attorney went to the VP and asked for more time for me and was told no. She was rather abrupt with me when I asked a question about the project. I thought she would answer affirmatively to my question, but the answer was an unexpected one. I am earmarking the OT dollars for a certification class this fall and am thinking that I will get only a portion of what I will need. Disappointing.
My coworker and friend who is helping with my party sent me a long email telling me everything she needs from me sooner than later because of her schedule, which is, on it's face fine. But she should not have volunteered if she didn't think she could deal with it. There are some facts I won't have until late May and some of the information has to do with the actual graduation ceremony. More than anything else it was the tone of the email, about accommodating her schedule. I bristle! Tuesday is the evening when I do homework because I have class on Wednesday. I did not need that stress today! I did, however, reply. She asked for my mailing list and I had told her just a few days ago that I had most of it together, but needed to confirm some information before I sent it. She already knew about the delay in information from the college. But she's getting her carpet done in mid-May and has a reunion at the end of June.
It isn't just this - it's her very selfish focus. Any time I raise something with her, there's a reason why she did or did not do something and, if I stop sharing with her because she's emotionally fragile, I get a load of guilt for not trusting her.
OK. That was enough of a vent for now. I find myself not breathing!
Despite all that, it was a really good day! I have just started wearing size 14 slacks and they are getting really baggy already! For me to realize I like how my body feels as I walk briskly down the stairs or the hall, that was a huge paradigm shift! Lifestyle change, indeed!
There was a lot more I wanted to say, but it's past lights out and tomorrow work starts early so I can get to school on time...
Thanks, EVERYONE, for the great comments over the past few days! I am surviving the speedbump from Mr. Scale! Woohoo~!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
One of my teams is the One Day Challenge and team leader SHANFANNIN comes up with great challenges. Some are fun, some are exercise or food related. Today's was one of those that made me think there was no way I could do it when I read her post. But I DID IT! I DID IT! I DID IT!
I had lots of reasons to walk around the campus at work today and used the stairs every chance I got. When I stepped out for my lunchtime walk, it was barely sprinkling. Not long into the walk, the Juneau-type sprinkle became a big fat raindrop Arkansas kind of rain. I don't mind rain at all! But, before I could finish, the wind blew off my hood. I got pretty soaked and my ears got cold. (I can't afford to get sick!). I started laughing and giving thanks! The worsening weather made me move even faster, making me burn more calories, so I won!
My intention was to try another scary machine at the company fitness center, but life intervened. I needed to get home by a certain time which I did not know until I was well into some overtime...I had an errand to run before I could get home. At Target, I still parked at the opposite end of the parking lot, grabbed a cart and hustled through the store. I ended up with 1o,039 steps!
At home, I did some strength training, trying a few exercises I've never done before. For some of my "regular" exercises, I did more reps. It's kind of fun seeing my progress by counting how many more I can do...Never thought that would happen!
Yesterday, I was so unhappy with the scale results - a 3.9 gain that took me all day to deal with. I decided not to cut back on nutrition but to ramp up my exercise. We'll see how long I can follow through on that intention (LOL).
This morning, I stepped on Mr. Scale again. I usually weigh just once a week, but I thought I would try to understand what happened. As I thought, this is a fluctuation. Possibly TOM, but he has not appeared yet. This morning, I was down 2.4 from yesterday. When life presents a cosmic joke, all you can do is laugh and enjoy the ride. It will end soon one way or another.
Pre-Spark. I would have given up long before now and, had a scale stuck out his tongue like this to me then, that would have been the end of that diet attempt! Even though I am losing weight so, so, so slowly, I am definitely changing! Thank you, SparkFriends! My success is a reflection of your generosity towards me by sharing, encouraging, educating,,,,Thanks to you, I'm like a road explorer - I just can't wait to see what's around the next bend!
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