JUNEAU2010   165,250
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JUNEAU2010's Recent Blog Entries

Slippery Slope Towards Depression But Not Using Food as Medication

Thursday, April 01, 2010

I moved to the Bay Area in late 1986 and immediately found a job at a small privately held services company. I ended up working there for nearly 15 years during which time I held 7 or 8 jobs. In a sense, I grew up in that company. I left that company in early 2001 to come to my present company, a nonprofit research company (more about it in a moment). Today was the final day for my first company. There were still 23 employees (the peak was about 350) and I had worked with more than 10 of them. I am so sad for my friends, sad for losing a piece of my own history.

Couple that with last week's family stuff and what's going on at my present company and that's how I find myself in a blue mood. When I came to company B, it was one of those can't turn it down kind of opportunities. Three years later, they laid me off and immediately rehired me for another position at a huge pay cut. Two years later, they laid me off from that position and I got hired into another position almost 2 weeks later. Since then, I have been in 2 other positions and layoffs continue to occur. This week, a couple of friends got laid off and another friend is leaving, moving clear across the country and has a dream job waiting. One of the layoffs was done so that they could shuffle resources and hire someone in a slightly different position for a different office. That new position is one I am not eligible for now, (I don't have the experience or the skills), but it is one that I have been working towards. I don't feel secure! On the good side, I get to clear out one of the desks and figure out what to do with the unfinished work which means a bit of rare OT.

I did not get to walk at lunch time because I had a role in the Toastmaster meeting. In the morning, I took my break outside. I walked downstairs, outside, down more stairs, walked over and up some more stairs and across the breezeway and back up the stairs to my office. I intended to do that loop in the afternoon, but I was so rattled by something that came up at work that I didn't. I had planned to run some errands this evening on the way home which would have meant more walking, but I was so drained, I just came home.

I jumped on SP and, after a while, decided to walk over to the office to drop off my rent check. The skies opened up so I walked in the rain. I didn't run because I was afraid I'd slip. I took a longer way around coming home and should have done a little more. I got in almost 9500 steps, not enough. I came home, kicked off my shoes and picked up my weights. A tiny bit of upper body strength training. Not enough. That short walk sure felt good!

I felt like eating everything! But I didn't. I stayed within range in most respects.
Tomorrow is a group lunch which could present the opportunity to eat unwisely. I am nervous about that. Friday is another lunch out at KFC with a good friend. I wish I did not like biscuits! I'm going to have to keep focused.

I just want to cry! Yet, I know I have reasons for which to be grateful. I need to remember those, too. On that list is my SparkPeople community! Thank you for your support! A good night's sleep begins in a few minutes and that will help!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Your still making good choices as far as keeping up the exercise and not letting your mood rule your eating. Hang in there..you are right..there ARE many things to be grateful for. Sorry you are having such a hard time at work...just keep your head up and the answers you need will come to you in time.

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SCRAPPYLADYV 4/1/2010 9:28PM

    emoticonHey friend, you are going through a hard time right now, but it will pass and you will come out on the other side stronger than before. For your meals out just try to plan what you will have and fit that into your day.

You do have a lot of reasons to be grateful - but sometimes too a woman just needs a good cry. Sometimes I feel the need and nothing is really wrong but once I give in and let the tears come I feel refreshed. I think of it as my emotional tank getting full and needing a release to make some room. Don't know if that makes any sense but I can't think of how to say it better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon emoticon

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CARRAND 4/1/2010 8:53PM

    You do seem really down right now, with some reason. You need to try to focus on the positives. You still have a job, and friends, and you are making positive life changes in your diet and exercise routines, and that's a really good thing. I'd say 9500 steps is great, so you should feel good about that. Hang in there.

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NANNER2121 4/1/2010 1:54PM

    emoticon Way to focus!

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MEGANC1988 4/1/2010 1:28PM


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COLE771 4/1/2010 11:10AM

    Good job, Juneau! It's so easy to give in when you're feeling low. I too am going through a nightmare at work. Some are being laid off and the ones who stay are receiving mandatory 20% pay cuts through July (and maybe for good). It's hard to stay positive about everything when everyone around you is mad, sad or furious. I was glad last night was just a strength training night for me because I knew I didn't have the motivation to pull off a run for my C25K!
Hang in there - I'm with ya!!!

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DLT007 4/1/2010 1:52AM

    emoticon your mind is focused on what you need great job.

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MUSIC66 4/1/2010 12:49AM

    glad your not using food as medication.

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Swirling Brain Means Diminished Focus

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Today was a very strange day. Over the past few days, I have received boxes at home, but had not had a chance to open them until today. Turns out my brother sent books to me for my birthday! One was a book I really wanted and the other two would have been had I known they existed! I was thrilled! At the same time, I felt guilty because his birthday was 9 days before mine and I could afford to do nothing.

The day started with the news that a student in my department was laid off yesterday. He was laid off so the company could hire another employee in a different position. The different position is in my work group and I am very nervous about what this means for my position. Complacent, I am not!

Couple that news with the knowledge I already had that a couple of other people have been laid off and a handful of others have "retired" and I'm almost skittish!
A friend saw me in the senior vp's office and wanted to know what was going on. I deflected her nosy query because I did not know if the layoff was public information and I was not about to be called into his office for violating a confidence, even if he did not say it was confidential! I was a bit irritated that she asked...

I stayed within range in nutrition except I was over on cholesterol and under on calcium. I intended to lift weights tonight, but just could not get the focus or energy to do so.........BLAH

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 3/31/2010 9:18PM

    Happy Birthday. Books are always a pleasure from someone who knows your taste. I hope everything goes well with you at work.

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MEGANC1988 3/31/2010 3:38PM


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ROX2013 3/31/2010 1:38AM

    Sounds like your brother knows you really well, especially if he can pick out books for you. I am sure he knows that you wished a Happy Birthday! The layoff situation at work is always tough especially if you have advance notice. All you can do is be there for the ones laid off. And you are right not to get complacent, things are changing so fast now. Hang in there. emoticon

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My girls went jogging at lunch time!

Monday, March 29, 2010

This is an earlier-in-the-day post for me because my lunchtime exercise was one that made me laugh! I had been on my feet most of the morning, carrying files here and there up and down the stairs and, when I had to use the elevator, I used that "dead" time to do hip flexors and squats. Squats are still really hard!

I looked at my watch and saw that it was time for my lunchtime walk. I do this walk in my street clothes, though I know, with summer coming, I need to bring a change of clothes because it is hot in the hills in the summer time. As soon as I hit the pavement, I started running in my turtle fashion. I can't run very far yet, so I ran until I couldn't, then walked until I felt like runing again. During the second spurt, I realized that my access badge and lanyard were flapping in the breeze and my girls were probably getting more exercise than I was.

Too late! I saw a guy walking diagonally across my path! I know I must have presented an odd sight as I went slowly flapping past him! I cannot even describe his expression! I kept going and then slowed to a walk. When I came to a flat stretch, I thought about jogging again, but there was a real jogger coming towards me. He had no shirt on, shorts and the right shoes and the body of a longtime runner. AND he was still able to greet me as he zoomed by. Inspired, I walked faster, but was about to start an incline, so did not turtle jog.

An exercise bra, running shoes, shirt and shorts need to be acquired and stored here. Wearing shorts at lunchtime will be a real act of courage. No one at work sees me in anything except slacks! They don't know I have legs! This is starting to be very comical!

A few weeks ago, I read an article on SP that said when you walk uphill, that constitutes a load-bearing exercise, something women need in order to stave off osteoporosis. I remind myself of that at every incline because it is, otherwise, very easy to talk my way out of taking that route!

When I get home this evening, it will be time to hit the weights. Yes, I said that! My batwings have gotten noticably smaller and I have not even been consistent in doing my strength training! That's motivation to do more!

I am still fighting discouragement with losing so little every week and seeing the tape measure results fluctuate, but that is counterbalanced by the way my clothes feel and the increasing ease with which I move around. Both my friend and partner were amazed how well I was able to handle the hike Saturday, so there is evidence that I am making progress even if the tape measure and scale persist in reporting less than desired results.

Today, I am on track nutritionally, I've had 7 cups of water before lunch, I am planning some more exercise this evening and I feel great! I may make 30 minutes of exercise today, but I still have the achievement of that much time in one session still on the horizon. At least it is there. I marvel at the attitude change brought about on this journey, thanks to SP. Me looking forward to and feeling great during and after exercise is a novelty that will take a long time before it does not feel like a miracle. Decades of habit are being torn down daily!

I feel great!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOUNTAINS2CLIMB 3/31/2010 1:06AM

    I am so happy for you!! The increased energy alone tells you that you are on the right road! The scale may move slowly, the tape measure may perplex us, but the proof is in the ability to do a little more each day! Way to go!!
I had to chuckle about the "girls" as mine get quite a lot of exercise also!
emoticon emoticon

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CARRAND 3/30/2010 9:12PM

    emoticon emoticon You are an inspiration!

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VICD25 3/29/2010 6:49PM

    My girls get a lot of exercise when I run too! In fact, I put the wii remote in my sports bra instead of my pocket to measure my wii running!!


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ISHIIGIRL 3/29/2010 6:05PM

    don't feel bad about the scale moving quickly. My average weight loss was 1 lbs a week. It took me almost three years to get to my goal. for some of us the journey is a long and winding road. Hang in there,you can do it!

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TEENY_BIKINI 3/29/2010 5:29PM


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CGRESS2 3/29/2010 4:33PM

    HEHE, go get em. Next time you jog right past that lifetime runner! Don't let them know your ashamed.
I agree workout clothes are a necessity for the "real thing!"

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MISSPIGGYGIRL 3/29/2010 4:28PM

    Thats Right!..keep Oink'n it up..When ur Hot ur Hott!...

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MEGANC1988 3/29/2010 4:12PM


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Couch Potato Day is Not Always a Bad Thing

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Surprisingly, I did not sleep well last night. I should have after that glorious hike! When I did get up, I was STIFF! My right arch hurt for most of the day and it was just hard to move at all. My plan to do a bunch of errands was torpedoed, partly by that and partly by a marathon on tv.

On the good side, I have not been eating everything in sight all day!

When I first got up, I stepped on the scale and it had a great number! But, I was not sure I had set up the scale level, so, when I stepped on it again later, it was not so exciting. But, if I take the long view, the 1.7 pound loss is quite acceptable. The inches on my tape measure results were quite mixed. Lost a bit on the waist, gained in the hips and arm...I don't get it.

I am very relaxed today, a rare feeling!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLELADIE27 3/29/2010 2:08PM

    Some days are like these, cheer up tomorrow is another day to happiness!

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MEGANC1988 3/29/2010 1:40PM


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DISAPPOINTME 3/29/2010 12:54AM

    Gosh, I'm sorry you didn't sleep well and I'm sorry you're stiff after your hike. At least you got to enjoy your day and have a relaxing time. Congratulations on not eating everything in sight!

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KEENTINA 3/28/2010 10:29PM

    I was cleaning and packing for 8 hours yesterday and am very sore today - at least you were having fun! Are you building muscle? Sometimes that's a reason for the gain in the arms. Hip muscles could be a little swollen with the hike but it's hard to tell. I have noticed my weight shifted when I tried on a so-called body slimmer. I could no longer fasten the waistband I had before I put the garment on but I looked flatter. Go figure - the pants weren't tight before. I also put on inches with high sodium - sometimes in the hips and not the waist.

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MISSPIGGYGIRL 3/28/2010 9:46PM

    I know how u feel..sometimes when we diet..& not use our muscles too much they ache..but after awhile..they usually get better..Very goody..control that appetite..Do u have a rolly polly scale not a digital..u might want to invest in a digital one..Then ur number will be set..I enjoy mine..my sister has the other..she looses her motivation cause when she moves to the wrong side or move too much the number moves..those scales ain't reliable..Everybodys body is different on loosing size..Goody be relax..after along hike..u did goody..Keep it up!.. emoticon

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Today was...

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I hardly know where to begin. Do I post at all? Do I share only about my activities today? Or do I dedicate today in memoriam? Or shall I attempt to cover everything that today was?

Today was the planned delayed birthday day with my partner and my very good friend and coworker. Today also happens to mark the one year anniversary of the death of a young Navy man in Afghanistan, Frankie Toner IV. I am not related to Frankie, nor did we ever meet. My brother was his roommate in Afghanistan and had also trained him for his last job. While my family is grateful to have my brother back safely, our hearts are broken for the loss of this young man and the empty place in the Toner family. Some day, I will go to Arlington and pay my respects.

My birthday celebration with Bill and Yvonne was a trip to Pinnacles National Monument, south of Gilroy, east of Monterey. Yvonne had never been there and she is a photographer in her other life outside of work, so I always try to pick something that she will enjoy. Bill and I had not been to Pinnacles in a few years. I had forgotten how rugged the "easy" trail was. The Bear Gulch trail is about 1.4 miles roundtrip, but the mileage is deceiving. It was a total body workout for me for the two hours! Balancing on narrow trails with people in all directions, scaling rocks and steps cut into rocks, ducking down through the caves and sliding on loose soil. I did not make it to the reservoir, but we were only yards away when we turned back. The last stretch involved squeezing through a crevice in the dark and I didn't think I could do it, especially knowing I was still going to have to walk back! I did slip and slide a little; there were a few spots where I sat down and worked my way down a rock or a deep step that way, but I did not fall and have only two minor scrapes to show for the day! At the end of the hike, I felt as if I had crossed a finish line! (I wanted to reach the resevoir so I could think for a few moments and honor the sacrifice that Frankie made and to pray for his family and friends, including my brother, who are still hurting today.) From all accounts, he was the kind of guy who would give you his last shirt. In fact,in the days before he was shot, he had been gathering clothes and shoes for the Afghanis who lived near their base. I hope my thoughts of him interspersed through the day serve as the fragrant prayer and honor him as I wanted to do, though he deserves much more.

Dinner was at Black Bear Diner and, as nearly as I can calculate, was a huge portion of today's calories, even though I ate mostly carefully throughout the day. (I did have one piece of macadamia nut/chocolate/coconut candy and that probably tipped me over in the fat category!)

Today was tinged with sadness, the saddest day of a very sad week.
Today was a personal victory in that I had a very successful hike.
Today was a surprise in that I stayed mostly within the nutritional goals despite not planning the day or tracking throughout the day.
Today was relaxing. I have not felt this relaxed in months, literally!
Today was a reminder, at the end of the day, when I finally logged in to SP, of the power of the people who are on this site. I received some wonderful comments, great support and encouragement, dare I say love, from SparkPeople this week and today. Thank you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LITTLELADIE27 3/29/2010 2:09PM


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