JUNEAU2010   165,250
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"Little Christmas Eve"

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I was about to say I failed…

I have not been blogging regularly. I have not been logging food. I have not been exercising.
No, I am not surprised that my weight is about what it was when I joined SP nearly 3 years ago.
For a long time, I have been more or less “marking time” on SP. Earning points, minimally interacting with my SP family, going through the motions…As I read blogs, I made small comments. Humbled, thinking I have nothing to contribute since I am not walking the SP journey the way I know I need to be doing.

I am off from my full time job until January 2 except for one day this week. I decided I was going to cross a lot of things off my to do list, including errands and some professional development. I also decided I am going to get back into my kettlebells. My Christmas present to myself is a new KB DVD (not here yet). I have a rebate check for REI and I will probably use it towards a higher weight KB.
Even so. I am disappointed with myself for allowing life to get in the way of taking care of myself on my SP journey. I am very unhappy with my weight, I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look and I really wonder if I have what it takes to start anew AND to stick with it and succeed.

I read blogs from _Linda with her battles with RA and sleeplessness. Exercise is her drug of choice (her words). There are days when I feel as if I can hardly move and her day begins with kickboxing or zumba or…I am humbled.

LDRICHEL is a swimmer and a runner and shared a wonderful blog about reevaluating her fitness journey, choosing balance. Recognizing there are other elements in her life, she is scaling back on her running regime in order to invest the time to maintain relationships. I could use such balance!

KNITTABLES is struggling financially, has a ton of stuff on her shoulders and still remains committed to her health and wellness. I am in her fan club, helpless to offer anything but words of encouragement.

TEENYBIKINI is just awesome. I love her turn of phrase and I am convinced that we would get along wonderfully if we met in real life.

CHICCHANTAL is another gifted wordsmith. She also shares wonderful pictures of her part of the world (I dare you to get her started on Cornwall!). I would love to meet her some day, too, but I cannot imagine I would follow her into the mud!

CMRAND54 is getting used to being retired. She and Sheila have been faithful SP friends almost from day one. They know what to say to keep me plugged in.

PIXILICIOUS faithfully posts on my SparkPage. I cannot match her for quantity of inspiration!

I read a comment from one of the SP employees on an email last week that said something about having the confidence to succeed. That is what I don’t have and have not had for a while.

Then I read a blog from ABA101, one of those blogs I found by clicking “blogs” from the banner. She asked for willpower to succeed. I usually flinch when I see “willpower” because, in my life, that word becomes a club with which I beat myself and feel a failure. So I commented on her blog that I wish her time. Time to think before she chooses….the exercise DVD over the cooking show, the water over the caloric drink…etc. She appreciated my comments and we are now SP friends.

That got me thinking. Outwardly, I am not making progress. But certain elements are becoming internalized. Subject of another blog will be thoughts about everything else in my life, but tonight’s is a musing about the community, the power of my SP family. Were it not for the fact that I really care about my SP family (including those not mentioned above), I would have given up and left long ago. Instead, I find myself reaching out and thinking of starting anew.

The title of my blog is a tribute to my grandfather. When my aunts and dad were children, they would egg their parents on about being anxious for Christmas. Bestifar (Grandfather in Norwegian) invented "Little Christmas Eve" to kind of let some steam off of the enthusiasm. Dad and my aunts were allowed to open a present from a friend on December 23.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 12/26/2012 6:39PM

    Baby steps are the only way you can get back into the groove (so to say)..................and continue the trek to better health and body. emoticon

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TEENY_BIKINI 12/25/2012 7:37PM

    Oh, you bet! We'd get along smashingly. I am so lucky to have friends like you. That definitely means I am doing something right. Let's rock 2013~


You are amazing. May peace be with you. XO

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CARRAND 12/24/2012 6:11PM

    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and healthy New Year. You deserve the best. I hope you can come to accept yourself just as the wonderful person that you are. Only then will you be able to take care of yourself and make the changes that you want.

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ANNESYLVIA 12/24/2012 11:13AM

    Merry Christmas.

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SEAWILLOW 12/24/2012 4:34AM

    Have a Merry Christmas!

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_LINDA 12/24/2012 12:30AM

    I am so glad you have chosen to stick with Sparkpeople, even in a minimalist way. All the friends you have met are an inspiration yes, but they are also here for you too. To encourage you through rough times. To support and comfort you.
But the fact you are even hanging in, rather then ditching the site altogether is a lot more then most people who have gone off their programs do. Usually, they ditch it and then come back years later and try again. That is telling me you really aren't a quitter. That you really want to do this, but haven't found a way quite yet to get fully back in it. Getting back into your kettlebells sounds like a little Spark is getting ignited! A start. A Baby step yes, but a huge step in the right direction! You can accomplish this! You can! I will be here cheering you on!
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FIT4MEIN2013 12/23/2012 11:09PM

    When you are ready, it will happen! Have a blessed Christmas!

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Remembering Pearl Harbor Day

Friday, December 07, 2012

I was not alive when December 7, 1941 came. I cannot explain why this anniversary has always been an emotional day for me. For more than a decade, I have taken the day off, but could not this year. I wore a pin for USS Arizona and went to work in the morning.

Today was our department Christmas lunch, one of those "important to attend" events. But my boss excused me so I could get my annual eye exam. I had FSA dollars that had to be spent and, with working 7 days a week, time for the appointment was going to be a real challenge.

I left when everyone else left for the lunch because I'd decided to run some errands. One of those was to get my hair cut. I parked at the far end of the parking lot from the eye doctor's. Only then did I remember that SuperCuts is a few blocks away. Traffic was so awful I decided to walk. That was glorious!

The eye appointment went well. Doc was very pleased. He's the best eye doc I have ever had. He has taken the time to figure out how my odd eyes work, he spends time with me and he reviews my charts in great detail. It was a full 2 hour exam. At the end, I learned that the cost for the appointment and the special test matched to the penny the last few dollars I had in my FSA account! I was thrilled! For those who don't have the Flex Spending Account: the funds set aside as pretax dollars have to be spent in that calendar year or the person loses the money.

Our young intern attorney commented today that soon Pearl Harbor Day will not be observed. By that, he meant that there are so few people still alive who remember the actual day. My thought was, it will be remembered as long as I am alive.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 12/8/2012 10:43PM


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CARRAND 12/8/2012 9:36PM


I'm glad your eye exam went well and you got in a nice walk. You also avoided the office luncheon temptations of food. A real win all around.

My father remember Pearl Harbor Day. He volunteered not long after, and did training in Hawaii for the Signal Corp.

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_LINDA 12/8/2012 8:39PM

    That is awesome you have such a thorough and good opthalmologist! That is great these FSA dollars were used up to the penny, although I do not understand your system at all.
I cannot see Pearl Harbor ever being forgotten. Sure, the veterans involved will be long gone, but sadly more veterans of other wars will take their place and not let any of the fallen ever be forgotten. Your Memorial Day and our Remembrance Day will always have people observing it. On my trip to Hawaii, I visited the Arizona memorial. Even though I am not even from your country, walking over that shipwreck sent a chill through my spine, and seeing all those names of the lost on the wall made me deeply sad. So many young lives lost. As long as there are people preserving it, and there will be, we will have that constant reminder..
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CATLADY52 12/8/2012 6:36PM

    Ask the attorney if he remembers the signing of the Declaration of Independece and when he says no, ask him if people should not remember the Fourth of July? emoticon

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SEAWILLOW 12/7/2012 11:47PM

    Wonderful tribute to the servicemen!

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Four Years Ago Tomorrow and Other Musings

Monday, November 19, 2012

Four years ago tomorrow, I lost my wonderful Russian Blue boy cat named Bug. That morning, I spoke to him as I headed out to work. I could not reach him - he was curled up on a shelf right next to the door above my head and out of reach. Little did I know that was the last time I would see him. It took over two years for my BF to 'fess up that Bug died that day and he is buried somewhere in the back yard (don't get me started!). We have two other cats, but I still miss my boy!

I feel huge! I saw my picture on the video webcast during our team meeting and was horrified. I am so fat! I cannot move without pain, I feel stiff all the time and.......

Working two jobs and seven days a week is a real challenge. I got my first check on Saturday and it was nice to pay more than minimum on two bills and to get some groceries! I have a long way to go, but this sure felt good!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 11/24/2012 10:12AM

    Awww.... that is so awful. I am so sorry. My condolences.


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_LINDA 11/21/2012 1:25AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
That is so sad about your cat :(
Videos always add more pounds to anyone. But we never see ourselves in an objective manner. I rarely get my photo taken, but when I do, I truly look awful and not because of what I weigh. Some people just aren't photogenic.
I don't know how you expect to look after yourself properly working two jobs, but I hope the extra money will allow you to at least buy nutritous, healthy food. You will need the proper fuel and energy to make it through your long days.
I really feel for you having to work so very long hours :((

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CARRAND 11/20/2012 8:23PM


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CATLADY52 11/20/2012 6:00PM

    I feel so happy for you. I have been there and done that before and it isn't nice. That is just another piece of the feeling 'huge' as you put it.

So sorry for the loss of your cat. I know how hard that can be.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving if you can. emoticon

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BYEFATNANNY 11/20/2012 10:55AM

    Sorry about your kitty. I have a 17 year old dog I adore, and I'm dreading the day. Teary eyed just thinking of it. OH I hate pictures of myself and it's getting worse...maybe because I'm getting worse! I need to take one of "those" pictures and put it on the frig I think. I used to live in Carmel (high rent) like your area. I worked 2 jobs for 5 years, finally I realized I needed to move and I came up to Sacramento and what a difference it made. I hope you don't have to do this too long, it is wearing, I know. Hang in there and enjoy getting those bills paid down.
Best wishes. emoticon

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GAYLLYNNE 11/20/2012 7:07AM

    I am so sorry for you loss. Sometimes one particular animal just takes a special place in our heart and we grieve a little more. Just remember he will always be in your heart and in your memories. You can't lose that. :)

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SEAWILLOW 11/20/2012 6:33AM

    My condolences on the loss of your cat.
Working two jobs is no easy feat. Be kind to yourself!

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KTRIBE808 11/19/2012 9:33PM

    Such a sad anniversary! May sweet Bug visit you in your dreams. Remember, the love is forever.


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Friday, October 26, 2012

Copy and Paste into your own blog, change the answers to suit you. It's really hard to only use one word answers.

(Copied from _Linda)

Where is your cell phone?


Your hair?

Your mother?

Your father?

Your favourite thing?

Your dream last night?

Favourite drink?

What room are you in?
living room

Your hobby?

Your fear?

Where do you want to be in 6 years?

Where were you last night?

Something that you aren't?


Wish list item?

Last thing you did?

What are you wearing?

Your pets?


Your life?

Your mood?

Missing someone?


Your car?

Something you're not wearing?

Your favourite store?

Your favorite color?

When is the last time you cried?

Where do you go over and over?

Five people who email me regularly?

Favorite place to eat?

Favorite place I'd like to be right now?

I start my part time job tomorrow. Between both jobs, I'll be working 7 days a week for about a month, longer if the temp job is extended. The kicker is the job is at the car dealership where I worked part time for about 15 years. The new business manager laid me off 3 years ago to the day (by phone no less). Shortly thereafter, she was laid off. It's a luxury car dealership, so business has been slow. They've rehired me to talk to customers and find out why they're leaving without buying. That will take my Toastmaster skills for sure!

Going to be tired, but this job is an answer to prayer. I can pay my property tax and add a few pieces of clothing to my wardrobe. It was not fun looking for clothes to wear to work. I HATE being this fat!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIBBYFITZ 11/12/2012 5:34PM

    Good luck with the extra job!

Sounds challenging! emoticon

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CARRAND 11/4/2012 4:54PM

    I hope things are going well for you.

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CATLADY52 10/28/2012 7:14PM

    You will be greqat at it. emoticon

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ERINMARIE424 10/27/2012 10:01PM

    Congrats and good luck with the new job! It will be nice to be able to cover your expenses and get a couple new things too. Make sure to drink your water and eat enough, you will need your energy!

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CARRAND 10/27/2012 6:56PM

    Your new job sounds interesting. Good for you! I hated buying clothes for work, too, even after I lost weight it wasn't as much fun as shopping for my retired life style!

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ISHIIGIRL 10/27/2012 10:06AM

    I am glad you found something to help out. Maybe the extra hrs will help you shed some weight and you can get back into your other clothes. Sending positive vibes and prayers your way!

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SEAWILLOW 10/27/2012 8:43AM

    Be kind to yourself! You are priceless $

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MISSY455 10/27/2012 2:23AM

    I understand needing to work two jobs for awhile. Like Linda said though, please try to plan your time so you are taking care of yourself. If you are laid up sick, you will be missing work time at both jobs.

Also, thanks for sharing the one word answer survey with us.

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_LINDA 10/27/2012 1:40AM

    Congrats on the new job, but boy that is long hours to deal with when your full time job already has you working long hours :( I hope you don't burn out or aggravate your condition :(( It will be vital to look after yourself, eat well, get good sleep, whatever exercise you can squeak in.
Save money on clothes by looking through second hand and thrift shops -sometimes you can find really nice stuff there. There are lots of other people with weight problems that have to shop -you are not alone there..unfortunately, its easier to get larger size clothing these days..
I am sure you will do well and look good for your new job -you will wow them with your wizardry of words!!
Have a great weekend -look after yourself!

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Streak - Not Yet

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My Sparkfriend CHICCHANTAL challenged people who read her blogs to start a streak. Hers was a mix of food, exercise, water etc. I thought that sounded like a good idea so I sort of endorsed it with as much enthusiasm as I can muster right now. Today was going to be the first day of me exercising and eating within range.

Did not happen. I did a lot of running around, but not to the extent that I can honestly call it exercise. A new employee started today so her boss brought in doughnuts. Someone else brought in a chocolate cake. Another person brought in a bundt cake. I walked past all of that! Woohoo, me! But...

I was the Toastmaster of the Day for our club's open house today. I knew the food was going to be Quiznos sandwiches and I brought my own lunch planning to eat that. But I did not.

I was still on track for food. Yay, me! But....

I had the chance to work a smidge of OT (YAY! NEED THAT!). Came home hungry and ate two small Quiznos sandwiches and THAT is what put me over.

I was given some of the leftovers and they do stretch my budget. But that does not mean I need to eat them all now!

Still stunned about Bundy's death, still bummed not to get the cat, but so grateful for the peaks and valleys of the day. I am alive! I can celebrate many things and I will survive the others.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELTEAGUE 10/25/2012 9:59PM

    Good for you for walking past the sweet stuff!
What I do to avoid getting to hungry is keeping a little baggy or ziplock of nuts and seeds with me to snack on whenever I need to. It works for me!
Being too hungry is not a good thing for your blood sugar in general!

Have a great night!

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CATLADY52 10/19/2012 8:15PM

    You are working on it and that is going a long way. Just remember that for every time you have a slip-up just take two steps forward. emoticon

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ANNESYLVIA 10/17/2012 7:53PM

    I read her blog too. Really wanted to do it but fell apart. So, Kudos for you for trying!

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CARRAND 10/17/2012 3:33PM

    You did pretty well, I think. We all have lapses. Every day is a new day.

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SEAWILLOW 10/17/2012 8:34AM

    We succeed by learning from our mistakes! And you , my dear, sound like a winner! I am sorry for the loss off your friend ..has anyone taken the cats in?

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_LINDA 10/17/2012 1:45AM

    Well done passing on the sweets Mali, that is huge! I won't do so well with the upcoming Life Master Party and Rookie Master game -running on empty and nerves and stress that all will go well and everyone will have a great time -its all on my shoulders to make these special events a success :P Some incredible daities will be up for grabs and those little treats add up if I can't keep away from them :((
Its a shame you wasted the Quiznos left overs eating them all at once (unlike Subway, their products are very high calorie), but certainly understandable. Not many people can control stress eating on top of being hungry.
Tomorrow is another day and you can do this!!
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LYNNA1968 10/16/2012 10:45PM

    today is only one day you are lucky enough to get a do over as soon as you wake up! emoticon
head held high & you will do fine!

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