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Straight Into the Arms of Food

Monday, October 15, 2012

I felt like crap all weekend. Saturday, I stayed pretty much on track with food, but I was also a total couch potato. Yesterday, did what I had to do and was on track until the nausea hit me hard. I sought comfort in crackers. Lots of crackers.

Then, shortly before I went to bed, I learned that a friend died suddenly on Saturday of a massive heart attack. He was only a few years older than I am = far too young to die! But, despite whatever the coroner's report might say, I know, in my heart, he died of a broken heart. His wife, Ruby, was my very good friend/coworker/former boss who died suddenly just over 2 years ago.

They are reunited in heaven, I am sure.

There are two cats who now need a home. BF will not let me take one (we would then have 3). Part of it is because he is home with them all day (he does not work) and he does not want another cat to take care of. The other thing is that his cat is 16 and she will not want another cat around. But Juneau is only 6 and she would love a buddy! These two cats will be put down if they don't find homes! I would love to have the one I used to hear Ruby talk about when he was a runt of a kitten!

I did not stuff my face today, but it was really hard to concentrate and stay focused at work.

Tomorrow is the Toastmaster Open House and I am the emcee for the meeting. A bit nervous about it because I have not done it in a while, but it will be fine.

I may not be - ever again!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HEALTHY-SPARK 10/17/2012 11:11AM

    So sorry to hear about this. I hope the two cats find homes. Best wishes to you.

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CATLADY52 10/16/2012 6:32PM

    Having a friend pass away is hard to deal with, but haaving him go suddenly is really bad. emoticon

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CARRAND 10/16/2012 4:12PM

    Sorry about the cats, and for the loss of your friend.

I got a dog once, and my husband hated her. (She ate our dinette set, destroyed his record albums, and crapped on his pillow.) So my husband said, "Either the dog goes, or I do." I thought about it for a minute, and gave the dog away. I think I made the right choice. There are compromises in every relationship.

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SEAWILLOW 10/16/2012 9:37AM

    My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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MISSY455 10/16/2012 2:19AM

    So sorry for your loss.

Good luck on your emcee duties. I am sure you will do fine. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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_LINDA 10/16/2012 1:27AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon so sorry you have lost another friend :((
Take care of yourself. Its especially important when you are down. You don't want to get sick.. Hope those cats can find homes.
my thoughts are with you, sending comforting hugs and healing energy.
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JUDYHELP 10/15/2012 11:09PM

  emoticonsorry for your loss. Hoping things go better for you. As for the crackers stress often makes us not think. Glad you regrouped on Sunday. As for being emcee you can do it. emoticon sending some sunshine your way. Hang in there. emoticon emoticon Judy

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CAROL494 10/15/2012 10:53PM

  Just hang in there. You will do a great job at emcee! emoticon

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Still Sore But Holding My Own

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I am so glad I participated in the Toastmaster show last night. It was a lot of fun! As sore as I was, I still got in some steps before the taping. Still, I was glad that we got through it quickly and I got home earlier than I expected.

This morning, my knees were really sore, my shoulders and neck felt as if I'd been in a car accident, so I was not very active today. I did walk a little ever couple of hours to keep the stiffness from setting in.

Still working on finding balance in food. On target in most categories, low in others. Not worried. I am feeling better every day, less food obsessed. Calmer, more centered inside.

The SF Giants won! The Oakland As won! My dream of them playing in the World Series, while still a long shot, is still alive.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 10/11/2012 7:26PM

    So glad you are feeling better. Falls can be scary. emoticon

Today's baseballs results were super great! Looking forward to the Championship games! emoticon

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DEBBYNATION 10/11/2012 8:28AM

    Yeah! U were sore after a busy day & still did fitness walking! Awesome! :) emoticon

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CARRAND 10/10/2012 3:28PM

    Good for you - you're still working towards good health.

I'm watching the Nationals lose for the second time in the playoffs. Of course, it's not over 'til it's over, but they are down 5 to 0.

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_LINDA 10/10/2012 2:18PM

    So glad you enjoyed the Toastmasters show! You needed to have some fun!
So sorry you are feeling worse now :( Do try some icing of those knees..
That is awesome you are doing so well with the food!! Half the battle is getting the attitude under control. Food is fuel. Food is fuel. Food is not comfort. Repeat. Being calm and more centered -that is gold!
Keep up the great work!
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With Apologies to Southwest Airlines...

Monday, October 08, 2012

My feed lied to everyone today because I was stunned last week. When I went to the doctor last week, the visit included the obligatory step-on-the-scale. I emptied my pockets - keys, cellphone, pedometer, coins...But I was fully clothed, including shoes. The number was higher than my last weigh-in from a visit to the ER earlier this year. I was so stunned that I logged in the fully-clothed number, forgetting about the shoes and layers of cloth...

The next morning I weighed in at home sans shoes and layers and it was almost 3 pounds less. That was the same day I received the news that, for the very first time in my life, my LDL was higher than the normal and acceptable range. I read up on it and decided to cut way back on animal protein, cheese (I love cheese), increase my fiber even more than I have normally and really, really watch my salt. I weighed in yesterday morning (to get back on my usual schedule) and found that I had lost 1.3!

Surprisingly, I have not been as hungry as I thought I would be. I attribute that to the fact that I joined the Overeaters Anonymous team here. I am still thinking about what it means to be "abstinent", which is very early in this journey of FINALLY dealing with my emotions around food, so it is not as if I have "arrived" or had some kind of epiphany, but awareness obviously accounts for something!

I brought my beans and brown rice dish for lunch (it has other ingredients, too), but a friend invited me out for Japanese food with an attorney who is soon leaving for much greener pastures. I told her I'd go if I could use a fork. She laughed. She grew up in Japan, so chopsticks are easy for her. The attorney kept pushing to find out why I don't use chopsticks and I became tongue-tied. I did not want to say that it's because I have so little dexterity and no practice and that, if I used them today, I'd end up wearing more food than consuming it. Just writing this brings up visions of my painful childhood! Bleh!

Anyway, we all had lunch specials which all included miso soup and a large scoop of white rice. My special also had a rather nice salad and six tiny California rolls. I guzzled the water, drank the barely-flavored tea and ate only part of the miso soup and rice. I was not at all sure about the sodium content of the soup and I did not need that much rice since the rolls are rice+avocado+tuna. They were fantastic! I had forgotten how great they are! I did not know dessert was included: a microscopic scoop of ice cream. They had green tea and I had mango.

When I got back to the computer, I logged in my food and was relieved to see that I had not stubbed my nutritional toes! Speaking of which, stubbing toes that is, that is where my "wanna get away" moment came. As we were leaving the restaurant, walking on the sidewalk with my two coworkers ahead of me, I did not see the incline and did not feel it until I made a multi-point landing. Both knees, both elbows, both hands and most knuckles. Yes, I left some DNA on the sidewalk, but am mostly ok. I did not know until I fell that there were people behind us. The lady kept asking if I were ok, which would have been nice, but she does not know me. When I fall, I want to be invisible! I do not want attention, I do not want help, I do not want to be noticed! She asked several times and I finally was able to answer and say that I was ok. Yes, it was nice to ask, but there were two people wth me and they were helping me.

What happens when I gain or lose weight is that my center of gravity shifts - I notice this about every 5 pounds, but I forget about it.

I am ok other than some miniscule scrapes and some stiffness. I have been walking a little bit to make sure my knees don't lock up, but I was not able to do my full 30 minutes at a time this afternoon.

Shortly, I will go to the taping for the local Toastmaster broadcast. I don't feel like being on TV, but I made a promise. This puts me a tad out of my comfort zone. It is my 3rd time doing the show, but this time, I didn't want to but chose not to say no. The dialog in my head was not healthy: I have put on weight, I have adult acne, I need a haircut, my clothes don't look great on me...But I am over looking that and focusing on what I can contribute to the community. I will deliver an evaluation of a speech. Other Toastmasters will see the broadcast and, I hope, be inspired and encouraged to stretch their self-imposed boundaries. (My boss was impressed when I told him I was doing this tonight!)

Now, off to eat some low fat yogurt to try to get enough calcium in for the day...

And, yes, _Linda, I wear and use my pedometer all day every day, but I lack the balance to walk on grass or other surfaces like that...(yet).

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATLADY52 10/9/2012 2:51PM

    The time will come when you can walk on any type of surface. Believe. emoticon

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ISHIIGIRL 10/9/2012 8:07AM

    Sounds like you are making great progress. Keep at it!

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_LINDA 10/9/2012 1:20AM

    So sorry about the fall -glad you weren't hurt, they are so dangerous!! Sounds like you are getting it together. I love cheese too and refuse to give up my one slice a day and the sprinkle of Asiago I put on my egg whites.. But as a vegetarian I do struggle getting in the protein. I feel for you not being able to use chopsticks and that lawyer pushing you -that was rather rude of him to be doing that. Very few people can use chopsticks especially if never haven been shown the right technique. I learned it years a go when an Asian chef was touring the country promoting the wok when it first hit the stores -he showed the audience how to use the chopsticks properly (and its actually rude to call them that but I forget how they are referred to) but for some reason I picked it up like no one's business and in spite of my warped hands with only two useable fingers -I can actually use them today although it is painful to do so.
Japanese food is actually very good for you -it tends to be low fat and doesn't leave you feeling stuffed like Chinese does, but its very salty if they have used soy sauce.
Very well done going on the Toastmaster's show -that is very brave of you. Its really what you are saying that is important there, not your appearance -you words will impress I have no doubt of that!

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    Ouch - I feel for you - I used to be horrifically clumsy (left a lot of my DNA on sidewalks). After losing a lot of weight, and walking the pups nearly every day for over 3 years, I can proudly say I'm better. (We won't discuss my little curb trip a couple of months ago when the edge of my sandal got caught on the curb - just some bruise, no scrapes that day!)

Toastmaster - wow! Miles out of my comfort zone - I'm proud of ya!

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WONDEROONA 10/8/2012 10:02PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CARRAND 10/8/2012 9:15PM

    emoticon Your efforts are an inspiration.

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DIET_FRIEND 10/8/2012 8:53PM

    Sounds like you are plugging along. Scales can fluctuate. I only use my home scales for weighing and tracking but I'm not certain that they are absolutely accurate. Also I believe your weight can fluctuate too especially if you have PMS. Keep on sparking and doing your Toastmasters Gigs!

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A Hidden Blessing?

Sunday, October 07, 2012

This week, I joined the Overeaters Anonymous team on SP. (Does that make me not anonymous?) I have never properly dealt with my emotional issues surrounding food. This is modeled after the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, so the first step is to take a fearless inventory and admit that I am powerless over this. I did that earlier this week and have been thinking about what it means to be "abstinent" in terms of food. One cannot go without all food after all.

Subject to change, I think abstinence will mean different things to me depending on a given situation. Thursday, it meant walking past the chocolate cake. Success. Friday, it meant not eating the less-than-the-best food choices my friend offered to share with me. Partial success.

Since learning that my LDL ("bad" cholesterol) is slightly higher than it should be, I have determined that I will really work on losing this tonnage. I am closely watching sodium (and I blew it today even without having a diet soda!) and I am cutting way back on animal protein and cheese for the next couple of weeks just to see what happens. I love cheese and I am having a caffeine shortage headache to boot! Coffee and tea do not take the edge off in the same way a soda does.

In my mind, the OA thought process and the LDL discovery dovetail nicely. The LDL number is like a kick in the rear. I walked today for over 30 minutes. I walked to the local Home Depot to pay my bill. It took me 14 minutes to walk there and and 14 back, even though I walked faster on the way back. That meant I needed to do a little more walking to get to my 30 minute minimum. I ended up walking 36 minutes. My lower back was sure sore and the last bit was really a challenge. Walking is not always this hard. Blame it on the weight. That step, distance and time total did not include the grocery shopping in the morning. The step count is not what I want, but I obviously need to work back up to 10K on a daily basis. I have to because I don't want to cut my life short nor do I want to lose any more abilities just because I am not taking care of this body of mine!

Thank you, SP family, for your support. It has been a rough journey for a while now!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 10/13/2012 6:45PM

    That's great. I've heard great things about OA. Rock it!


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DEBBYNATION 10/8/2012 8:15PM


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WONDEROONA 10/7/2012 11:19PM


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ERINMARIE424 10/7/2012 8:51PM


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CARRAND 10/7/2012 8:32PM

    It sounds like you are back on track. I know you can do it!

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ANNE1123 10/7/2012 12:52PM

    I think it's really brave of you to take the step of joining an OA group. It will give you resources and perspectives that you didn't have. You will get a lot out of it and I wish you the best. Have a good week, Anne

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ANDASI 10/7/2012 7:45AM

    I agree with Linda walking on grass is much much easier on the body. I myself walk at the nearest park on grass.

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ANDASI 10/7/2012 7:43AM

    Exercise is so great for the mental, emotional, and spiritual well being especialy walking it is meditative and stress releasing. It also uses up a good chunk of the day where we might be doing something less healthy in place of walking.

I adore walking especialy in the fall with the coolere weather it energizes me and propells me ot keep walking further and faster. The one thing i have found to be crucial fro my walking is a great pair of shoes the better my shoes are the better my walk feels.

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_LINDA 10/7/2012 1:27AM

    Maybe its time to gt that pedometer on. I wish you didn't have to walk on cement though. That is tough and gets my pain flared up every time. I am struggling with my back too, and that is the pain that keeps waking me out of my sleep. I think if my hip gets replaced that pain will vanish like it did before. But the bottom line is I can walk father and a whole lot easier on soft grassy or dirt trails, not to mention the peace and tranquility of getting close to nature. far better then a noisy, polluted city. Can you walk in some nice park areas? It would be far more pleasent..
Wishing you all the best with this new team and focus. I am sure you will get all the fabulous support you need..
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LADYPIXEL 10/7/2012 1:05AM


One of the best things about a 12-step program is the support. It's the same here as it is in any other group... the support's phenomenal. You will do well, I just know it! :)

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Mixed Bag on Fasting Blood Test Results

Saturday, October 06, 2012

To my surprise, I had good numbers on all of the test results except for one. Some of the numbers were better than good. Whew!

The one that is higher than it should be is LDL. So I have some work to do!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CARRAND 10/6/2012 10:20PM


You are healthier than you think! The LDL will come down, too, as you lose weight.

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ERINMARIE424 10/6/2012 9:10PM

    Good for you!

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ANNESYLVIA 10/6/2012 6:21PM

    Glad overall you did well on tests. Best of luck with lower your LDL

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_LINDA 10/6/2012 12:27AM

    Great blood test! Yes, high LDL comes with being overweight. Exercise helps get it down. I actually have low cholesterol and always have.. But my blood tests are really good in spite of the RA, my Dr. is usually pleased.
You can do this Mali, what ever it takes..

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ERIECANALGAL 10/6/2012 12:11AM

    emoticon Sounds good. You can get the LDL down! emoticon

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