Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Today was my cousin Kirsti's birthday, her second in heaven. She would have been 45 today. She died in a solo car wreck on her way to work December 30, 2008. The youngest of my generation, she should not have been the 2nd to go. She left 3 children, two of whom are teens and her baby was not quite 3 and, as I later found out, a wonderful young man who loved her very much.
What I did not know until the end of the day was that my sister had to put one of her dogs down. Delilah, a black Lab, had been part of the family for almost 14 years.
In a couple of days, it will mark a year since my brother's roommate in Afghanistan (they were both on loan from the Navy to the Army) was killed on the base in front of my brother and other members of the team. Someday, I will have to bring flowers to Arlington to honor this young man. Frank L. Toner IV.
His family hurts so badly and, as I told them, their hurt is also our family's. It was just so incredibly close! Thankful I have my younger brother, but the loss of Frankie is as if he were also my brother.
The cumulative grief is hard to deal with, but one does what has to be done. It feels rather automatic.
It was almost funny this morning, though. I had posted on my social page that I was going to honor Kirsti today by wearing a hot air balloon pin and eat cheese. I remembered how we ate cheese, but I had no intention of having any today. It was not on my radar or in my menu. I walked in to put my lunch in the fridge and get my Kashi cereal ready and found someone had brought in a tray of cold cuts, cheese, black olives, lettuce and bread with a note for us to enjoy because it was leftover from a party. WITHOUT THINKING (and that's the scary part), I snagged one olive, a slice of roast beef and a slice of cheese that turned out to be two after I'd removed it. I rolled up the roast beef and cheese and STUFFED it in my mouth! As I realized what I was doing, I saw that I had fallen into an old habit. Shoveling food in my mouth so no one would see. I thought I was past that...
I faithfully logged it in. In a past life, I would not have. Later, all that was left was one slice of cheese and all of the lovely lettuce. I left the slice and took the lettuce!
Last Sunday was my first run, such as it was, and all week, I'd been looking forward to tonight's run. I planned to leave work at a certain time and a senior VP needed something at the last minute. No problem. The stress was hard, but I was happy to assist her. Stress - can I get this done as soon as she needs it and can I do it right? On her heals came two other requests. By then, I felt snarly! I realized I had not gotten to eat all of my lunch and inhaled some while I finished working and rushed out the door.
My run was shorter than Sunday's, which was not my goal! 3/10ths of a mile of run/walk today. I was less winded when it was over. My BF ran with me and kept reminding me to breathe properly. My pedometer had cleared out all the steps just before the run, so I can only guess how many steps I'd had...I was disappointed to miss the data.
Yesterday I got an email from SparkPeople saying it was time for me to transit to the 3rd stage. I am not sure I am ready and commented about it on one of the message boards. A Sparker said I should stay where I'm comfortable and SP Coach Denise said I can switch when I am ready. It's not about comfort. If it were comfort, I would not have started this journey! I am still working to find balance nutritionally and consistency in exercise. So I will stay in stage 2 until I feel this is more integrated into the new me.
I posted a comment on another message board today about exercise. The question was something about what is my attitude about exercise. I said:
This is something I have to do. I don't like thinking about exercise, thinking about making time for exercise. Sometimes I don't like the exercise while I am doing it, sometimes it hurts or is uncomfortable. A few exercises I like, enjoy, look forward to and miss when I can't get it in (walking now, running maybe soon) but I always love how I feel when I've done something! That is progress! This from someone who has spent decades being convinced that exercise is a four letter word that got stretched.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I didn't want to get up this morning, which, in my new SP life is new. I went to work and quickly realized that I was tired. I had already had coffee, I had already started water and had breakfast and still could not get the brain in gear. I grew more and more tired, more and more foggy until I took a break by taking a short snooze in my car. When that did not work, I took the rest of the day off as sick time and came home. I slept for over an hour, maybe 2.
Then it was off to school to turn in my final exam and extra credit essays. Between work and school, I got in over 9,3xx steps and covered 3 miles. I've decided I might be having a reaction to the Acyclovir. Every time I take one, my stomach starts to feel terrible and I'm supposed to take 5 a day! Forget that!
I had a great dinner and ended the day within range in most areas (low in calcium and fat). I did some upper body free weight work. I know I need to do more...
Stress can trigger shingles and my having taken more time off as sick time is going to add to that stress. But I was not earning my pay and felt it dishonest to sit there...
Off to bed with the hopes that tomorrow is much better. (Be quiet, brain! The grades won't be posted until next week...)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
This morning started with a cup of Peruvian coffee, a nice light roast. Not one you'd drink when you need a coffee jolt, but great for a Sunday morning. Then I put on my new shorts, new socks, new running shoes and my new sports bra (shirt was not new) and went for a run/walk on the baylands trail.
I envisioned doing the entire path. Before I left the house, I had been on SP and put down a positive affirmation about visualizing a successful run and that I would like it.
Well...I ran/walked for .4 miles. After the first couple of steps, I forgot about the fact that I was wearing shorts (that lady's legs are showing) and I didn't think at all about how I looked except for a fleeting thought as some bicyclists zipped by. I ran/walked long enough that my legs started to burn and I tasted blood in my mouth. (I forgot that when I exercise enough, I bleed. I suspect that has to do with my junior year of college when I had bronchitis for the entire school year - this is not an exaggeration!). Ended with some stretching and all I feel this evening is a slight tightness in the back of my left thigh.
The distance was disappointing, but I felt great! My heart rate stayed up for a while afterwards. I was amazed to realize how much more calm I was and how I felt better able to deal with life's little irritations.
We took a walk on part of the San Francisquito Creek Trail. I wanted to do the entire thing without even knowing how long it is, but turned back when my lower back started to complain. Turns out that we walked 1.2 miles roundtrip
in roughly 40 minutes. Did I say I'm a turtle?
I still have to do some upper body strength training, drink some water and have dinner.
The writer's block did not really go away, but I did finish the two papers I need to turn in for my final exam tomorrow night.
My tracker says I have to burn about 200 more calories today - I guess it reset after I changed my nutritional goals for my 10% experiment, though the reset did not happen that same day. I noticed the tracker does not include the 69 calories I burned on that .4 walk/run. I am completely mystified and a bit discouraged. For me, I have done a lot of exercise today and don't have evidence of it via the exercise tracker.
Lastly, when we were at Costco, I picked up a jar of Maranatha almond butter. I read somewhere on SP this week that almond butter is better for you than peanut butter. I love peanut butter but don't allow it very often. I'm not that wild about almonds, but for health's sake, I thought I would try it.
My snack was a smashed banana and two T of the almond butter. I could not believe how great it tasted! That led me to think anew about how much better food tastes since I launched this journey! It's amazing! The calorie-adding sauces and the cheese, oh, the cheese, bury the taste of the underlying food. I appreciate the subtle flavors more than before. Some of that may be because I know that what I am eating is good for me...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thank you, SparkFriends, for your birthday wishes! Most of my family has been silent today.
I had a list of things to do today and did not complete all of them. What I did do was go to SportsAuthority to see about the running shoe sale. I have very short, very wide feet. That severely limits my shoe choices and, as was the case today, means the shoes I can wear are not on sale. But I found a pair of running shoes and, as I was testing them, was reminded that I dare not move without a sports bra! I found one in my size, no small feat (does that count as double entendre?!) and a pair of shorts. I am NOT happy about the shorts, but they were on sale and fit. The shorts are not what I'm unhappy about, it's seeing my legs! Don't think pants of any type will work. I am far too short and I am not about to hem something so I can run in it...As I looked at myself in the fitting room mirror, I had to remind myself that, when I see runners, fit or not so fit, I think "You go, girl!". I'm not saying anyone will say that as this turtle gets moving, but it does remind me that people are more concerned about their own lives than how I look as I continue my journey towards health and being physically fit. At the last minute, my boyfriend decided to get a pair of running shoes so we could run together! I was surprised. He'd said his knees were too bad, but then added, "You won't be running for a while. It will be more like walking fast." Hmmm.
I'm still not in balance with food, but that will change tomorrow. I don't expect the weigh in tomorrow to be wonderful. With my being below in food for 3 consecutive days, not getting my exercise in and today's surprise appearance of TOM, I don't know what to expect...
No matter what, I am not going to beat myself up about it. I'll just start a new week and I will probably do it breaking in my running gear!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Today was an excellent day! I am not 100% yet, but that does not matter. I didn't have a dedicated walk, but I did a lot of walking throughout the day and used the stairs at every opportunity. The fact that I got winded a little and my legs started to burn did not surprise me, but neither was I deterred.
The day is ending with me being within range for all nutrition except calcium. I have a hard time getting enough because the dairy fat scares me! I have dairy in my cereal and in my coffee, but not often elsewhere. Still striving for balance in nutrition. I was amazed how an apple threw me into "within range" when I was below before I added it to my tracker. Learning...
The medicine for shingles has to be a wonder drug, akin to sulfa drugs and the polio vaccine! I know I will be 100% on Monday.
I had lunch with a friend at KFC. She had a meal that she loves and, while it smelled good, my eyes looked at it and, internally, I was screaming "bad carbs! fat!" I had the grilled chicken caesar salad, skipped the croutons and had about half of the salad dressing packet. And a biscuit. It really sucked up a huge chunk of my nutritional allotment for the day! I think it was a good choice given where we were. Can you believe they don't have mustard? I asked about a grilled chicken sandwich, but it comes with mayo. Even in my unwise eating days, I did not like mayo!
I did a little with my free weights and was pleasantly surprised to discover that I could do 25 reps! I started with 10 and had gone to 15 before I got sick. I wasn't sure how this would go tonight and thought I would just try and see. Nice. Baby steps. I read about SparkFriends doing a LOT more than I am and I am envious, impressed and discouraged all at the same time.
I know there is a mental block in addition to the physical limitations for my exercise and I just need to find the key to break down that block! I heard a commercial yesterday from SportsAuthority saying all of their running shoes are on sale. There is one near my house. I am going to walk there (notice I didn't say "go there" which would imply driving) and see if they have something for short wide feet! I am not happy with the little bit that I've lost and I know I need to get more active. I hope my knees can handle running and I won't know until I try. My boyfriend doesn't think I can do it. He wrecked his knees through heavy weight lifting (why do guys think they must look as if their shirts will rip if they flex a muscle?) and running.
I made the mistake when I was a teen of allowing someone else's opinion influence my career decision and I have always wondered "what if?" I cannot allow his opinion to govern my fitness - my life is at stake. If I don't lose this tonnage, I face an unhealthy, unhappy and short future.
Trainer James has been booted off the SP site for violating the SP policies about offsite communications in a competitive manner. I did not fullly understand the email, but I am disappointed. I suspect there is more to the story. He has responded with a continued endorsement of SP. I am saddened because I sensed that he might be able to help me break down the mental barrier I have about exercise.
I have to write two papers this weekend but I also want to read The Spark. I set it aside and need to get back into it. It's right next to my computer, so I am reminded all the time! I want to start the 28 day thing and I would love to start that tomorrow.
Why tomorrow? Why the odd title for this blog? My personal new year starts tomorrow. Hard to believe!
I would be remiss if I didn't thank my SparkFriends for their compassion this week while I've been sick and unable to stay on plan in any way. I feel certain that my SP family's contact kept me from sliding into a journey-ending depression. I love you all and if we ever get to meet in person - hugs all around!
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