Saturday, December 07, 2013
For many years, I have taken this day off from work as a personal day so I can mourn, pray and remember the events of 12/07/1941. I say "remember" in the honoring sense since I was born years after that dreadful day. I was at the USS Arizona Memorial on December 7 in the 1980s and cried buckets. I cannot look at the pictures or read about the events without crying. On that day, I saw a name on the wall and was stunned to realize it's a name in my family tree on my mother's side.
Today, however, I could not afford to miss a day's pay, so it feels as if my conviction of remembering the day as I have always done (includes watching Tora, Tora, Tora, not the Pearl movie that came out more recently) has become a preference and that trivializes the emotional connection I have felt about this date and that place my entire life.
I honor those who serve, always, I remember those who paid the ultimate price and I mourn with those who mourn. I sorrow for those from all wars who are scarred forever, whose families are shattered forever.
Let there, some day, be peace.
Monday, December 02, 2013
Thank you, Spark Friends, for your comments and goodies. I have not responded individually, but I am very appreciative.
I have been going through the motions in terms of lifestyle change in terms of exercise and food choices. It's not that I don't care, I just can't muster the mental, emotional or any other kind of energy to act positively.
Job #2 keeps changing. I am not sure how long I will have it. Job #1 is about to get very busy. One of my supervising attorneys is leaving tomorrow and we're not sure if his position will be filled. The workload for the rest of the attorneys is going to be a challenge. I will be working an extra 40 hours between tomorrow and Christmas eve. The company shuts down the week between Christmas and New Years - we get that week in lieu of most other holidays throughout the year.
I sat down to pay bills today and have no money for groceries or laundry. Things will not be better next year. No more OT at job #1 next year. My stepmother is again delaying repayment on a very substantial debt.
Additionally, I finally learned why the family has not been interacting with me and the knowledge has absolutely floored me. My brother and my stepmother are convinced I've "gone to the dark side". Somehow, they got the idea that I had voted a certain way, contrary to their political beliefs. I do not talk politics with anyone so I don't know where the idea came from. I am not upset that they think our opinions differ, I am upset that a) they thought that without asking me about it and b) decided that the alleged difference of opinion warrants the cold shoulder. The pain is very intense. I think I
understand the divide that the Civil War represented for so many families. "Blood is thicker than water" they say. Apparently, for me this is not so.
This has awakened all the memories of all of the other feelings of abandonment. There is a very long list, some slight, some significant. Every time I think I have worked past one or more, something like this brings all those feelings front and center.
I am seriously considering dropping my home internet access after December. That $80 would help, but I don't know how I'll continue my education without it. There are limits to what I can do online from work. My schedule does not allow me to use a library or other public source. Still thinking...
Last night, I could not sleep. It was as if I had consumed a gallon of caffeine before I went to bed. Tonight has to be different!
Thanks for reading.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Most of my childhood Thanksgiving Days were spent at Grandmother's house out in the country. She was my stepfather's mother and my mother always reminded me it was out of Grandmother's goodness that I was allowed to attend. (there were some when I did not, but that's another blog entirely and it was never because of Grandmother). She lived, literally, over the hill and through the woods, and we all loved the drive to Grandmother's! As soon as we crossed the river, we knew it was only a few more minutes to go. She lived on an enormous plot of land down a dirt road. Hers was the first house on the left, set way back, and her property was so large that it was a long drive from the highway down that dirt road to her house.
All the cousins and aunts and uncles would be there. The children would play outside, burning tons of energy, climbing trees, playing hide and seek, made up games. It did not matter. The uncles would split the firewood and whatever else Grandmother needed and then hunker down in the large living room around the black and white tv for the football game. All the moms were in the kitchen with Grandmother. For many years, everything was made from scratch. As she got older, the moms started bringing dishes and the dinner rolls were then Pillsbury.
The huge table and sideboard were loaded with all of the traditional fixings. My stepfather, her only son, would have the honor of cutting the turkey and the ham. Two kinds of cranberry sauce! What luxury! Stuffing and mashed potatoes with home made gravy! Fluffy rolls! Home made pumpkin pie with a slice of cheddar cheese, apple pie a la mode, mincemeat pie.
I cannot find mincemeat pie these days, not even store-bought. I cannot bake one myself, so my taste buds just long....They also miss the fresh wild asparagus that she would pick that morning from the sides of the irrigation ditch that bordered her property.
After I went to live with my dad, I seldom saw Grandmother and I never had another Thanksgiving at her house. I miss my cousins, my aunts and uncles, I miss her home and I certainly miss Grandmother.
I have her recipe that predates the Civil War for gingerbread cookies. That brings up a lot of other wonderful memories! They are probably my most favorite food that she made!
Saturday, November 16, 2013
The Make a Wish Foundation and hundreds of volunteers teamed up together yesterday to give a 5 year old boy his super hero sized dream! Check out SF Batkid via any media source. I dare you to read about this young hero and not be inspired and not be in tears! Little Miles Scott has leukemia which is in remission, finally. The local and wider media has been full of this feel good story and it is so refreshing!
The Foundation, the volunteers and this brave little boy are my newest heroes!
Friday, November 08, 2013
Sandra, my still-new coworker and I were in the mood to eat out today. Neither one of us has eaten out in months. We ultimately went to Scotty's Seafood. She insisted on fried calamari appetizer. Then there was the chewy wonderful bread. I had salmon tacos and dessert.
Thus, I blew my promise about sugar.
My promise about soda is still intact.
I don't know why I am not down on myself - that is not my normal response.
I have no desire for dinner tonight.
I am working both jobs tomorrow, so it will be a very long day. I will lose a bit of money with the shorter hours at job #2, but I will really appreciate the OT at job #1!
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