Monday, November 08, 2010
What an insane week...I can't even describe how exhausting it was. Chaos all around me, and me just trying to stay calm. Friends having major life traumas...deaths, divorces. And all one or two degrees of separation from me. Did I eat bread and butter? You bet I did. I was so anxious one day that I ate bread and butter just to calm myself down.
Didn't lose any weight and didn't gain any weight, for which I am grateful. Made a lot of good choices. My saving grace was planning ahead and having fresh fruit, rice cakes, a tin of sardines or a cliff bar, when I needed to eat and no meal break was forthcoming. And I drank a lot of water and green tea and stayed hydrated. And I had a 30 minute long walk up a big hill every morning to get to work, which was my main exercise. All in all it could have been worse.
I have 4 days at home, then on the road again, this time to visit my family in foodie haven New Orleans. Need to formulate a plan to eat light most of the day in anticipation of some legendary restaurant meals. And to get my walks in every day...at least a couple of miles of fast fitness walking, in addition to walking everywhere being a tourist. I'll be on the road for two weeks this time, and I have to take good care of myself so I don't gain weight on the road.
Whew...hopefully people will be easy and happy on this next leg of travel.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Yea! I have successfully slammed on the breaks and am now back on my path to health and wellness!
I lost one pound since Monday...and shockingly 1 inch from my waist. I must have been bloated. But I did notice that my pants felt better this morning, and it was interesting to confirm it.
I know I'm not supposed to weigh in more than once a week, but here I go off traveling for work. Tomorrow will be super busy day of packing, Sunday I travel all day, Monday - Friday I'm working out of town. I probably won't be able to weigh in again for another 9 or 10 days.
Of course, I'm thinking ahead to the fact that I will be traveling and already pondering what I can do to be prepared for it. I think I'm going to pack some rice cakes, some water packed tuna and a couple of energy bars in my bag, just to be prepared. And try and pick up some apples as soon as I arrive.
I also think I need to make a "no bread" rule...bread and butter have been sneaking back into my diet, and while I know that there are no inherently bad foods, this is something I have almost no self-control over. Warm bread and butter are my crack. And with restaurant meals in my future, it's best to just say no!
Preparation is key for me...I need to plan food for this week as much as I can. Then I'll have good backup options if no good food options present themselves.
Go Shirley Go!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Today I had the identical breakfast as yesterday, only my boyfriend cooked and served me two eggs instead of one. Yesterday I only had one egg because I was trying to add carbs (toast) and have less fat (one less egg). The difference was about 90 calories less yesterday and more today.
Yesterday, I felt deprived and craving snacks all morning. I couldn't wait for it to be lunchtime. I ate 200 calories of fruit trying to stave off cravings...
Today, I went to work and totally forgot about food. No cravings, no snacking. I just looked up at the clock and it's 11:30 am. No need for any food yet, and breakfast was 5 hours ago.
Forget what everybody says and listen to your body! This body wants a little fat and protein and at least 300 calories for breakfast. And I can get in all my daily servings of fruit and vegetables and never make the minimum amount of carbs that Sparkpeople says I should be eating.
Think I'll go work out now...
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I think it's time to stop jacking around with this weight loss business and either decide to do it or not. I'm totally tired of doing it halfway. It's been one thing after another: overwork, depression, falling down the darned stairs. A zillion perfectly good reasons to put it off...if I'm looking for perfectly good reasons. But we all know that's bulls#%! There's always a reason not to let myself ultimately succeed. What's really going on here?
I am happy to report that Depression and his buddy the Big Bad Funk both skipped town after I decided to start taking care of myself again. They're still hanging out at a rest stop right outside of town...I can still sense their presense, but I think at this point they'll keep on driving. I feel enormously better. Mirror work really helped do the trick...throwing love and gratitude at my negative feelings, spending some time at my altar feeling grateful for my life and for my ongoing healing.
So now that I'm not having to work like a madwoman, and not fighting depression, what do I want to create?
Do I actually want to lose the rest of this weight? And if so, what am I willing to do in order to do that?
Already I'm back to journaling my food, for the most part, and am now awake to the fact that I'm consistantly eating above the high end of my calorie range by 300 - 400 calories a day. Despite that, I've lost another pound of the five I put back on. So at 148, I have 18 pounds to lose to reach my goal of 130.
I've lost 45 pounds already, I should be able to lose 18 pounds if I really want to.
So do I really want to?
I know I want to lose 10 pounds for sure. I felt great in my clothes at 145. And I'm sure I'd feel even better if I was under 140...a weight I haven't seen in well over a dozen years. Getting down to 130 would put me at the high end of that coveted "healthy weight" BMI. What would that be like?
I'm about to start traveling again, and when I travel, it takes clear and defined goals to stay on track with my weight loss. I really have to want this.
Here's what I am clear about: I do want to go through with both half marathons. I raced a 15K last Saturday and it felt fantastic. I felt like an athlete again. Suddenly I'm back into high gear with my training, after 5 slow recovery weeks, post back injury. And I know that I would be leaner and stronger in my race with less body weight.
So what's it going to take to get me to really want this weight loss. When I want something, and I'm clear about it, I can achieve it. I know this about myself...I can do it in every other part of my life.
So, how about this week I focus on getting my calories back in range? Now that I'm journaling again, it's the next step: less cheese, less bread, more fruits and vegetables and salads and soups. Less wine and more water. Less coffee and more green tea.
I KNOW what to do. So let's do it, and stop fooling around!
Friday, October 05, 2007
Autumn in Dallas is a very subtle thing. My joke is that the only way you can tell it's fall in Dallas is that women start wearing darker nail polish. Otherwise it's still 90 degrees and it feels an awful lot like summer. But there's a slightly cooler breeze in the morning, and the light seems more golden somehow. It's subtle, but if you really tune in, you can feel that fall is in the air.
Well yesterday, I felt a slight shift in the winds around my food and mood issues. After seeing nothing but the ominous dark clouds of depression circle around me for weeks, I think I finally, FINALLY got something to shift. And things feel perceptively lighter today.
Yesterday I had a breakthrough of sorts, after four days of taking my vitamins (B vitamins especially!) and walking and doing yoga and eating right and sleeping better, and journaling. I was writing a letter and musing this idea of how my inner judge has been riding roughshod over me these last few weeks. The judge has been disguised as a conflict with a former friend who no longer speaks to me (long story). And I am unable to turn off her critical voice in my head. And I'm even aware that this is the same fight I had with my own mother for years and years, and that I'm recreating this sad old relationship over and over with other women in my life. And even knowing that, because I'm feeling depressed, I keep playing this same argument over and over in my head. And what's worse is because I somehow "need" to fight with this person, or at least have her reject me on a regular basis, I keep somehow drawing her into my circle. For example, I went to a party Saturday night and I practically walk right into her as I arrive (she promptly snubbed me). So I keep doing that...pulling her into my sphere and then having the negative experience.
So I took some steps to counter all this negative energy that's been swirling around me. First, through some journaling, I realized that the core of the problem is that I have somehow broken the connection to my spirit. I know that my inner spirit it eternally strong and wise, and I have become detached from this strength and wisdom. So I spent some time at my altar yesterday, where I haven't been in weeks. I lit all the candles, burned some sage and I spoke with my inner spirit and asked for wisdom and guidance and strength. And I told my inner spirit that I loved her. And I took two small lapis stones from my altar and put one in each pocket to carry that loving energy with me the rest of the day.
Then for the rest of the day, every time the harsh voice of the inner judge would begin to play the same negative self talk, telling me what a worthless piece of crap I am, or staging a mental argument with this former friend, I would notice the voice, say "thank you for my healing" and "I love you" to my spirit. In other words I decided to throw some love and gratitude at it, every time it bubbled up.
And you know, that by the evening, I was starting to feel better!
And last night I went to a big party and film festival where one of my films was screening, and the former friend was there, and I didn't even cross paths with her the whole night. It was a non-issue. She couldn't touch me. And that's how I knew that things were different. I didn't need her to put me down...so she stayed away. And I felt happy and confident and was able to enjoy the evening with my beau and my friends.
The other good news is that when I weighed in on Wednesday I was already down 1 pound. And all week I've been weighing and measuring my food and mostly tracking everything. So I feel like I've turned the ship around and I'm back on the right course. My clothes are beginning to feel right again...and I was able to wear my skinny jeans to the party last night.
What a relief! I think I can build on this...
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