Saturday, August 04, 2012
I was able to get some clothes last weekend-some from second hand stores and some new clothes. It was tough, because I hated the sizes that I had to shop in...I have NEVER been a size 18, but I went straight to that size and purposely didn't depress myself further by trying on smaller sizes. The largest size I was previously was a size 14. Those sizes still were in the "normal" size section-granted the highest size, but not considered "Plus Size." Oh well... I kept telling myself that at least I was on the low end of this range. I like Target, because they included all the sizes together and don't have a plus size department. That is so degrading and embarrassing. Anyways, mission was accomplished and I have new clothes, that aren't maternity. I think they are pretty cute too.
I was sad though, because not that I think I look great, but I didn't get any positive comments on any of my new cute clothes at work. Again, oh well...but it would have been nice to hear. The only comment I did get, was when I went to pay for gas at a gas station, the cashier asked me if I was working "at the fair." I didn't know what he meant but there is a Renaissance fair...I had to laugh, the style of my shirt reminded him of that.
I couldn't find ANY bathing suits that could cover up my body while shopping so I bought 2 online. They came in yesterday and they look alright. It was so hard to get all of these clothes, because I am hoping I won't be able to fit into them soon, but I needed them. Also, once I lose this weight I don't plan on every getting this high of a weight the rest of my life. I am going to focus on my next few pregnancies and keep a number in mind (when not pregnant) if I get above to kick my butt into gear. So, again, will I ever wear these clothes again? I had to remove those thoughts from my mind though...I need them now.
My weight loss also was so tiny last week which was discouraging because I put in the work-out minutes. I need though to focus on my water intake and also I had to remind myself that it was the week before my period and I never lose much weight then. All in all, I think I am on a good road. I let my work know that I am leaving and now just need to tell my clients, which is always tough. You build strong connections with folks when you are a therapist and it is tough for them to start over with a new therapist...the program I work in though is set up to be short-term though, so I am hoping to move them along in their treatment when I am leaving. I have about 6 more weeks with all of them and my supervisor is not going to give me any new clients.
So many changes, but good changes. It's going to be a new start for me and my family and I want to get to that person health-wise that I know I can be! I won't be in onederland by vacation, which was a goal, but I did lose some weight. I still would like to be in the 170s...even if it is 179.9 by William's 1st birthday...so I'm going to stick with that goal! I plan to start Insanity once we get back from vacation and will be finished with the 9 week program by William's birthday.
So, this blog was scattered, but I am feeling kind of good. Still a LONG way to go, but I really think if I focus I can be at a healthy BMI by the end of the year, not goal weight, but healthy BMI and maybe I will be close to my goal weight by my 31st birthday at the end of January. I am very hopeful!!!!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Today I had a huge success. Some of you are going to think-what it took it you THIS long to do that? (and yes, it did, but I'll explain why as I write). Today, I finally packed up all of my maternity clothes. My baby is 9 months old and yes, I was still wearing maternity clothes. I still have a long way to go to lose weight and the fact of the matter was, that I didn't want to buy any new clothes at the size that I am at. So, now for 9 months I continued to wear my maternity clothes. I did not like doing this, but I wasn't losing weight or very focused in losing weight. The first 3 months that William was born-I focused on him. The first 3 weeks were pretty good-besides that normal adjustment stressors. Then weeks 3-7 were terrible. William would breastfeed for an HOUR, then cry for an hour-nonstop inconsolable crying. I had lots of family come over and help because that was my entire day! We found out he had acid reflux and in the journey also found out that something in my breast milk REALLY hurt his tummy. So, we got the meds for the reflux and he was put on formula. William changed into a different baby after that and started to show us the happy, silly, lovable baby that he still is!
I, however, experienced difficulties with this change. I felt like a failure as a mother, a woman, etc....that I could not breastfeed. There definitely were some judgements, I could tell, from others, but I knew/I know I was doing what was best for my baby. He started to really grow and was the happiest I have ever seen him! So, shortly after that I was back to work...and with going back to work not only did I have my 40 hour job-I also taught 3 classes in the Spring-2 online and one in person. I adjusted to work...and then a month later needed to start studying for the EPPP. I tried to get in work-outs, but it was impossible. I made my focus studying for the EPPP. Everyday I would go to work, eat dinner, study, and then go to bed. I hated it....I had no down time and felt like I was missing out on time with my baby! I also started to really resent my work-I work about 70 mins away from home...it has really put a strain on things. Anyways, I finally took the EPPP mid-June and then needed to focus on the State Law test. So mid-June to mid-July-the PPLE (State Law test was my focus). During this time, I also have been teaching 2 online summer classes. While studying for the PPLE I was able to work out more and I decided to only study after William went to bed...so I had more family time.
I found out I passed the EPPP in the beginning of July and I just found out I passed the PPLE this past Monday. So, no more tests...just waiting until August 29th (when I finish my postdoc hours) and I will be able to turn in my licensure application...then I stop the job I am at on Sept 18th and start my new job that is super close to home on Sept 25th.
Realistically, I recognize that there were MANY stressors that I experienced and can see why I did not lose this weight....but it is still so hard to see and know that so many women who JUST had babies are back to their pre-pregnancy body.
Anyways, back to the clothes. So...our bedroom was looking ridiculous throughout all of this described above. I would not put away clothes and started to just throw them on the floor...on the floor in our bedroom and pretty much all over our spa tub in our bathroom. I hated it, as I usually am a clean freak, but didn't know what to do. I didn't want to put the clothes away because I did not want to except that I was still wearing them, but I didn't want to pack them up because then I would need to face the fact that I have nothing to wear. I decide today...now that I am done with the studying and had my first weekend to reflect on things-mainly my health that the clothes needed to be packed up! I packed up everything! It took about 2 hours, because I needed to re-organize the room and clean it up...but it is in 3 very big boxes (I had a rather large maternity wardrobe, as you can see). It felt good...I kept telling myself that I am not going to believe any false message any more and I am not going to let me weight control me! I am going to regain the control and get the body I want! AND I am not going to allow wearing maternity clothes to make me feel crummy anymore! I will wear the maternity clothes again, probably next year at this time, when a baby is growing inside of me!!! It was an emotional experience, but a well needed and long overdue one! I still have a few clothes that need to be washed, but as soon as they are, they will be bagged up as well!
My closet, though, is very bare! There are some clothes in there too that don't fit quite yet but will once I lose more weight. So, I NEED to go shopping tomorrow and Monday (I have off work). I do not even have enough clothes to wear to last a week at work. I am going to go to Goodwill and the Community Aid Thrift tomorrow. Then on Monday go to the Rescue Mission and possibly also go to Kohls and Target to get a few new items to wear on vacation in 2 weeks. I also need a few new swimsuits-that is going to NOT be fun... So, huge accomplishment...the bedroom looks great. Now, to get some clothes, which will not be fun. I know it is going to be depressing, but at least it will be clothing that is not maternity clothing...and hopefully clothing that will be too big for me shortly. So, there is it.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
So there has been some really good things that have happened in my life the past 2 months, some things that I hope will alleviate some stress and allow me to focus on my health. Last month I took the EPPP (Examination for Professional Practice in Psychology)-the National licensure exam...and I passed it, which was a HUGE relief. Then this month I took the PPLE (Pennsylvania Psychology Law Exam) and found out yesterday that I passed...another HUGE relief. At this point, I have my doctorate degree, the 2 exams passed and now just need to finish up my postdoctorate hours, which should be completed on August 29th. At that point, I can turn in all my materials to get my license as a clinical psychologist...and finally be done with all the hurdles that I have continued to push through the past 25 years! It has been really good.
Also, I have a job pretty much lined up for once I get my license that it closer to home, a 50% salary increase, excellent hours, less stress and tons of flexibility. We are working on setting up the final pieces of getting this job secured...I am supposed to received an offer letter soon. We are thinking that this will start September 24th. This will allow me to spend more time at home and also more flexibility in work-out time.
Really good changes. I get discouraged though still after all these accomplishments when I look at myself. I was running on my elliptical today and kept looking down at my huge stomach. I couldn't help but thinking how huge I was...over and over. I feel it too, every moment I make and especially when I sit. I have never been this large and even when i had a bit of extra weight my stomach never looked like this. I know I had a baby and a c-section at that, but it is still so disappointing. Also, I know if I am persistent it will come off, but again still upsetting. I have accomplished so much in my educational and professional career....I just need to carry it over to my physical health AND I have done it before. I think with all the pressures, demands, etc. form my doctoral program it only contributed to my poor physical health. VERY little time to work out, eating out, needing to pack food to eat all day, stress, stress, stress. My husband always tells me that I have faced so much so I can't be so hard on myself, and while I know that is true I still expect so much of myself. So...I have to stay focused, but also I know work on my self-compassion and grace. I tell my therapy clients this all the time...and I know that having this compassion and grace, it will help me to stay focused.
So...there are my thoughts. I cheated a bit yesterday with a few glasses of wine and also was a bit bad and ate some McDonalds today (I know, it's horrible) but still stayed within my calorie range with both of these cheats. My water intake has been better lately, still tracking food and trying to work out 5-6 days a week. I worked out 4 days last week.
I also posted a few pics of my William...thought, might as well share one of my HUGE sources of motivation to lose this weight! He is so sweet! Love him so much!!!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I really don't want to be negative. Especially, as a therapist (almost licensed psychologist) I know the impact of negative thinking, etc....but sometimes it is so hard when it has to do with my weight. I may have mentioned in an earlier post, but if not I'll update. So, tomorrow William will be 9 months old and I absolutely love him to pieces. He is such a happy and sweet little boy! I have a co-worker that had a baby boy 6 weeks ago. I really like this co-worker, she is an amazing person. Everyone at work recently has been talking about how they have talked to her, visited with her, etc. and she only had 6 lbs of the baby weight left! I think I told someone that I did not need to hear that. Anyways, she visited today with her adorable little man at work and looked fanstastic! I know, also as a therapist, that you should NEVER compare yourself to others, but there she was super slim, tall and beautiful again with her 6 week year old and here I am with a lil boy turning 9 months tomorrow, looking like I just had a baby.
This really put me in a bad state today. I am happy for her, really I am-but I can't deny that I am also so jealous. Granted, she was thin before she got pregnant-me not so much-so I do have a lot more to lose, but-I would just be feeling a tad bit better even if I was at pre-pregnancy weight. I would still have lots of weight to lose, but I shouldn't even go there. I'm not there yet. My husband had a good talk with me and I know that some of the block I am having/had is waiting to hear my test results of the State Law Exam and also wanting to get the job offer-that is pending due to not knowing my State Law Exam results. This cloud won't be lifted until then...and then also just working 70/75 mins from home is another cloud. So, I am hoping once I get back my results (and pass, hopefully), and then get the job offer that I will have enough mental clarity to focus. I have done this before (never this big), but am trying to get in the mentality of that I am training to have another baby. I have probably 6 to 6.5 months before we start trying again, so I know that I can get to a healthy weight if I start losing it now.
OK, enough of my rant-thanks for listening!
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
So, last Saturday I was finally able to take my State Law Exam for my licensure and the waiting begins again. I told myself once I was done taking that test my focus was going to be my health, and it has been-kind of sort of, but not what I want it to look like. I am trying to eat better, but I still struggle here and there. Especially at night-I always want a snack, but I don't need one. I used to have a mug of decaffeinated tea when I was super healthy, it was a good part of my winddown bedtime routine-just good sleep hygiene. I need to get back into that AND drinking tons of water like I used to. So, continue to track, focus on not eating after dinner and water, water, water. My eating habits have always been the downfall and I really need to focus on it!
I had to stop the 9 week insanity workout-as we all got pink eye and I got a sinus infection. I was down and out for about 2 weeks. I started to work out again this week and am going to focus on the elliptical. I wanted to get back in to Insanity, but am going on vacation in about 4 weeks and I want to do the entire 9 weeks in a row. So-workout plan-elliptical and work I am back from vacation-start Insanity again. I would REALLY like to get back into running again, but with the heat and the time I have to work-out (when lil man goes to bed around 7:30pm) it starts getting dark and therefore dangerous. I am pretty slow on the elliptical right now and know I wouldn't be able to run very much.
It is so disappointing when about 1.5 years ago I wasn't in the best shape of my life, but I ran a half-marathon. I did it-it felt great. I know I am capable of a lot of things physically but my current size prevents me from doing what I know I am capable of...I hate it. I don't like to complain but I know it is going to take some time until I look at myself and start liking what I see. My belly and legs are the biggest I have ever seen them to be (besides being pregnant) and I just want them to be gone. I know I can do this-I just have to focus and put the same drive, motivation and dedication into my health as I have done with so many things in my life. It's just rough with waiting to hear the test results, which impacts the job offer that will happen once I hear the results and then teaching parttime as well.
Anyways, I know I can do this- I just have to do it. Eat well and keep moving...I know it's simple math, I've just got to do it!
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