Tuesday, October 01, 2013
Last Friday was an eye-opener for me. It was the first time I chose to Blog since finding out I was pregnant. By the time I was about 3 months along, my Sparking was sketchy at best. I was inconsistent with logging my food, and my will to walk on my treadmill was becoming more an more infrequent. I'd have to say, I went through a lot of emotions when I found out I was pregnant. Elated of course that I'm FINALLY having another baby, but if I'm to be completely honest here, I was also completely mortified at the thought of regaining my weight back, and that was a completely overwhelming feeling for me. I never anticipated feeling the way that I did. Dare I say, I was mad that I was pregnant? How can that be, right? How can I be so upset by something and so overjoyed by that same thing at the same time. But that's probably the best way I can put it into words. I certainly could tell a difference in my appetite after the 1st trimester. It seemed that I was hungry every couple of hours. I just started feeling like I couldn't get enough food, and over time, that just turned into allowing myself to eat junk along with the healthy food I was trying to keep in my daily routine. I've noticed that I have an overwhelming craving for sweets. I mean sweets have always been the hardest thing for me to resist, but since being pregnant I either couldn't resist them any longer (or didn't want to resist them any longer!) But, all of this started really coming to a head after I kept seeing the scale creeping up. Yes, I know it's supposed to, but I think I am gaining too quickly. And, after looking back at the last 2 months or so, I can certainly see why. So, I guess I finally hit my boiling point last Friday and blogged about my feelings. And, boy did it feel good once I did. Ever since I started SP, I have found that just putting my feelings down in writing helped me so much. Not that anyone particular needs to read this (although I do appreciate all of the support I've received over the last couple of years), but I needed to put it down so that I could be honest with ME. So, I guess I'd call that my wake-up call. Since blogging, I've had a much stronger momentum going for staying healthy. I've been tracking my food consistently again, and I am making time for my evening walks again. I know my little boy inside of me needs me to be this way. And, I need me to be this way too.
Friday, September 20, 2013
So, here I am, nearing 5 months of my pregnancy. I'm filled with every emotion you can imagine. Having this baby is what I strived for back when I first started SP. I wanted to lose weight and get healthy so that this could even be a possibility for me. I'm 40 years old, post kidney transplant, and this is my second son. My oldest is 8 now. I'm nervous about starting the baby phase all over again. It's been a long time since I've changed a diaper and was up at night. I also worry about my oldest son, Jamison. He is excited to be a big brother, but I know there is a transition ahead of him. There is one ahead for all of us. But, I know how much I already love this little guy inside of me, and I know we will all be able to get through everything I am worrying about, it will just take time. But, for now, what is probably hardest for me is my inevitable weight gain. I've gained 9lbs so far. A little more than I was hoping for at this stage of the game, but still not terrible according to my doctors. I can't help but obsess that I am only 1/2 way through the pregnancy and I know there is likely another 15-20lbs that will be coming. I didn't realize how much trouble I'd have with this until the scale started going in the opposite direction. For the last year and a half, I've had successes (and failures) here on SP, but I kept seeing that scale going down. And now it's going back up. This is the first considerable weight gain I've had since starting SP back in Jan 2012. And yes, if you are reading this, you are probably saying... "But YOU ARE PREGNANT!"... Believe me, my head knows that, but that doesn't take my sinking feeling away when I step on that scale. I know this is a head game I am playing with myself, and I know my hormones aren't helping me right now either. I've chosen to stay on SP instead of switching to BabyFit right now, only because this is where my history is. This is where my friends are. I've adjusted my nutrition level on my food tracking page to mirror what I should be having according to my doctors. I've also joined a few Fit Pregnancy teams and I'm hoping that if anyone has gone through anything similar to this, they might share their story with me to see how they are coping with it. I know I've turned to the wrong foods in the past couple of months. No doubt my old comfort zone when I am depressed. But, I know doing that isn't good for me or my baby. I know I'm struggling right now, and I've been telling myself at least I am aware of what I am doing. So, here's me trying to wrestle emotions vs reason. Hmmm, I'm sure every pregnant lady's daily battle!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I don't think it was one thing alone, but likely a combination of things, but this week, I've felt more like myself in a very long time. It's the first week in I don't know how long, that I've been staying within my calorie range CONSISTENTLY, and getting my fitness focus back up to where I like to keep it. I've felt my determination coming back slowly to keep those late afternoon snack attacks under control (ok, let's call them what they are, "gorging!") I've been incorporating mindful eating again too. I've been reading many Spark blogs in search of inspiration lately, and have had a lot of conversations with myself as well about why I've been falling off the wagon. That, with the fact that I've gained a few lbs! I think it is all a blessing in disguise! I'm starting to believe in myself again, and reminding myself that my food addiction takes work every day to keep under control. I'm thankful that these things are in the front of my mind again. I know that time and consistency will bring that scale back down, and I'm starting to enjoy that ride again!
Monday, May 20, 2013
I spent a VERY relaxing Girls weekend up North with my dear family... I look forward to this outing each year. It is a true vacation that is responsibility free. There's just one problem... I am from a family of big eaters, and I fit right in! Along with all of the lounging that comes with Girls Weekend, comes a weekend filled with stuffing my face. And that's pretty much exactly what I did. I've been wavering back and forth for months trying to get back on track, just towing the line... And this weekend outing came at a very vulnerable time for me. I completely threw in the towel and dove in. I ate what I wanted, how much I wanted, how often I wanted... I felt weird, like I just couldn't shove enough into my face all weekend. Certainly not on my list of proud moments to say the least! But, before I let my guilt come over me, I noticed something. Besides literally eating myself sick (which I literally was), I was craving fresh food by the end of the weekend as if it were a piece of chocolate cake! Today, I couldn't get enough raw fruit or veggies. I had fresh fruit for breakfast, and again for snack. I had a garden salad with chicken and nuts for lunch, and for supper I made my Spring Pea and Spinach salad. As I write this blog this evening, I'm actually salivating over the thought of another garden salad tomorrow. How weird is that... to actually be craving good and power building foods like this instead of the sweet and salty snacks that usually catch my eye. I think it is my body's way of telling me that I need to detox. As I got home from work this evening, I was eager to go for an evening walk. The weather was so cheerful and refreshing tonight. I feel so alive tonight. Not that I'm proud of my binging this weekend, but I've been so back and forth for so long, that maybe this plunge is what I needed to do to get back to what I know works. The thought of eating one more Scotcharoo bar actually sickens me right now. I really wish I felt that way all of the time! I know they will sound good again, but I am thankful that my body is craving what it NEEDS right now. So, I guess the moral of my story tonight is that even though I have been wavering all of this time, I know in my heart that there was a small part of each day that I did make a good choice for myself regardless of how small it may have been, and however many bad choices seemed to overshadow it. I know now that my Spark is still inside of me. I think this weekend was about me trying to extinguish it, but somehow it just would not go out. So, maybe there is hope for me yet...
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