Friday, September 12, 2014
I quit my job on Tuesday. After 19 years, I walked in, packed my desk and resigned. I was freaking scared out of my mind but I knew it was the right thing to do.
I equate my job with an abusive relationship. As bad as it was in my office, at least I knew what to expect, there was some comfort in that. Outside of it, there is the hope that things could be better, but on the flip side, things could be worse. Leaving is scary.
I wonít go into all the details of why it was so bad, but I will say that the last 4 years have been pure torture and stress. My health, both physical and mental have taken a beating. My relationships and my running were really suffering.
Running, my stress-reliever and source of joy had become just another thing to worry about. The last month, I started having anxiety attacks while running.
I was becoming a slave to depression, stress, fear and anxiety. My chest hurt ALL the time. (I just had a physical - Iím in perfect health - its all anxiety/stress) I cried all the time. The littlest things would piss me off. I can live like that. I donít want to live like that. My husband doesnít want to live like that. I lost everything carefree, light-hearted and joyfulful. How sad is that. Anxiety was dominating my life. I finally realized both me and my family deserved better. I said, ĎWhen.í (Regarding Henry reference)
Today, I went for a six mile run. For the first time in a year I really, truly, honestly ENJOYED it.
My chest didnít hurt. I didnít stress about time or piriformis issues. I just ran.
I did a 3 mile out Ďn back bike trail. The first 3 miles are all uphill but that means those last 3 are all downhill. Oh my gosh was it fun!!
I was booking it down that hill. I was so relaxed, I finally felt free. I started laughing and just having a grand ol timeÖ I even stuck out my arms and did airplane wings down the hairpin portion. It was FANTASTIC!!
I donít know for sure yet what my next career step will be, but Iím not afraid anymore. I just know that after 19 years I am finally ready for a new adventure. Iím so blessed to have a husband who is willing to give me time to work on me and recover. He may have to pick up a couple of extra shifts the next few months to make up the income difference. But heís okay with that. We talked about it a lot the last couple of months.
I love him so.
My chains are gone. Iíve been set free. My God, My Saviour has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending Love. Amazing Grace.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Iím probably gonna run a 10k tomorrow for Wounded WarriorsÖ Iím nervous about it. I heard about it on the 4th, the guy doing it started running races on the anniversary of his battle buddyís death (died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan in 2009) as a way to remember and honor him. This is the inaugural event, he started his own race this year. The concept is once everyone registers, they put you on a random team combining ages and sexes. There is a staggered start based on sex and age, then there are prizes for the fastest overall team and individual times.
I want to race and to run for a reason other than personal gain.
Watching the wounded veteran doing the wheelchair race at last years USAF Marathon had a HUGE impact on me.
I was struggling at mile 9, going up another hillÖ my piriformis and back were SCREAMING. I decided to walk. Then out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a wheelÖ Watching him struggle up the hill at mile 22 for him, mile 9 for me gave me such inspiration, such hope. I called out to him, cheered him on. Others in the crowd followed my lead. Soon everyone was cheering and clapping. Tears began streaming down my face as my feet once again began to run. If he could push through the pain of losing his legs and doing a marathon, I could push through the aches of my 1/2.
I want to run for those who no longer can. Thatís why I teamed up with Team Fisher House for this yearís USAF Ĺ, thatís why I ran the Freedom 4th with proceeds going to Veterans.
Iím so thankful to God that my Air force retired, disabled veteran hubby is as strong and healthy as he is, that so far, wheelchairs are not our reality. But he canít run with me so I want to make some running friends.
I have a couple of friends that flitter around with running, 45 min 5ks or such, but no one who does the distance or pace that Iím at. Iíve done a couple of races with my sister, but she isnít up to 6 miles yet and my bro is a 3hr marathoner ~ way outta my league. I want to make friends so that I have people to run with so that my sweet, non-running hubby doesnít have to go with me and stand around for 2 hrs all the time waiting for me. And Iíve gone by myself, but thatís no fun either.
ButÖ. in this race, on a team with strangers ---- What if Iím the one who holds these random strangers back?? To race or not to race, that is todayís question
And... in case you want to donate to The FisherHouse, here is my USAF page:
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
As part of the BTS we need to write out our summer plan for fitness & nutrition. So hereís my plan Ö
1. Stay HEALTHY
Sciatic has been flaring up, my #1 goal is to not allow it to become debilitating
2. RUN - USAF Ĺ Marathon training
Would really love to run a 1:59 or less Ĺ in the fall
3. Core exercises -
Iíve got a weak core which is causing a lot of my sciatic issues.
* I will do my PT exercises at least 3xs a week - shooting for more, but trying to set a realistic/attainable goal
* Daily 30 sec+ plank & side planks - I can squeeze in 2 -3 mins of planks every day - no one is that busy
3. Lose Weight
My nutrition plan is: Keep to 1400 calories or less daily - eat the majority of those 1400 calories with whole/real foods, but Iím not gonna be hard core over the summer with this. I am gonna focus on the calorie count and do my best no matter what life throws at me. I have the power to chose whatever foods I want as long as its 1400 calories or less. Iíve got the power. Hopefully, I will make good choices more often than not.
4. Treat myself with kindness, forgiveness and mercy
I am my own worst enemy. I give myself some royal beatings. Ultimately, this only makes things worst. I will focus this summer on being my best cheerleader, my best friend, my best encourager.
I started the 100 Days of Weightloss book yesterday. The number one thing is to stick with the book and whichever program I choose for 100 days (even if it takes me more than 100 days).
I plan on taking the 15 - 20 mins each day to read the chapter & do the daily To Do List every day for the next 98 days. I think I will learn so much about how my emotions play into my overeating and what healthy steps to take in order to live without overeating to compensate for my feelings.
Iím not going to overextend myself with goals & aspirations that I wonít be able to meet. I want to live FREE this summer. I am focusing on just a few simple areas and giving them my all. Once Iíve got those areas under control I can add other goals.
Thursday, May 08, 2014
A couple of weeks ago, I heard someone say, ĎAt what weight are you free?í
What do you mean by free, I thought to myself.
ĎFree to be happy. Free to move as you want to move. Free to live as you want to live. Free from being consumed with thoughts of food, calorie counting, inhibition, worry, health issues, etcí.
They then went on to tell a story about a former Miss Kentucky. ( this is my paraphrase of the story )
(oh, and the purpose is not to get caught up in the numbers, but the feelings behind the numbers)
Ms Kentucky says, Iíve been a size 4 and all sizes in between to a size 14. My husband prefers me around a size 6. But, I canít be free at a size 4 or 6. All I think about is food. My every thought is consumed with what Iím eating, how much Iím eating, constantly counting calories in my head, always thinking Ďwhat will I eat nextí, always thinking about what Iím missing out on. Iím not free to live there.
Iím also not free at a size 14. At a 14 Iím consumed with my rolls, disguising them, hating them, checking out the other women in a room to see if Iím the largest. There isnít freedom there because Iím not happy. I am eating with abandon, and that isnít healthy. Its the opposite of me at a size 4 - but ultimately Iím still consumed with thoughts of me and food. I am happy at a size 10. I am proudly a size 10. I am happy, healthy, content with me at a size 10. I make good, healthy food choices. I allow myself treats in moderation, but they are not my focus.
Iíve been pondering this ever since... what is my FREEDOM WEIGHT?
At what weight am I, Heather, still making healthy choices about what I eat, but allowing myself to indulge in goodies with moderation. (cause man, I love me an occasional junk-food treat)
Where am I free - Not having a list of bad & good foods - not telling my hubby I canít go a particular restaurant - not eating bday cake at a party? I donít mean I want to be unhealthy or overweight - I donít mean indulging every day or overeating on a regular basis - but where can I live without being consumed with food and calories, good or bad.
Iíve whittled my way down from a size 14 to a size 2-4. I lived there for 3 years. EVERY moment of EVERY day all I thought about was food. Is it time to eat again, what will I eat, how much will I eat, can I eat that, no donít eat that - I loved being told I was Ďskinnyí - I hadnít heard those words directed at me since I was a kid. I felt good about my weight loss, but was I living a happy, fulfilling life? No. Not really. How can you truly enjoy life when you are consumed with thoughts of food. I was living in a total me-centric world. EVERYTHING for me revolved around food and losing weight.
Due to some injuries and emotional issues, Iíve put back A LOT of weight. Iím now fluctuating between a 6 and an 8 - more towards 8 as of recently. Again, everything became about food - comforting myself with food, living with abandon, gaining weight - Iím right back in that same spot --- my life has become about eating, calorie counting, obsessing, feeding, beating myself up for failing -- I donít want to live this way.
I think for me, Iíd be my most happy, contented self as a 6. I can live there. It means eating with moderation not abandoning. It means exercising without working-out 3xs a day, overdoing it and hurting myself. It means eating to live not living to eat. It means finding balance, joy and contentment. Working out without beating myself up emotionally for missing a workout. Allowing myself to recover when I have an injury instead of pushing myself too hard. I donít want FOOD, EXERCISE, COMPARISON to be the driving factors in how I live my life.
I want JOY! CONTENTMENT! FAMILY! FRIENDS! LOVE! LAUGHTER! to be what people remember about me, not - well, she was miserable but she was a size 2.
I donít have all the answers, but Iím working on what works for me.
Whatís your freedom weight? Where can you live a happy, fulfilling, contented, pleased-with-yourself life?
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