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My chains are gone

Friday, September 12, 2014

I quit my job on Tuesday. After 19 years, I walked in, packed my desk and resigned. I was freaking scared out of my mind but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I equate my job with an abusive relationship. As bad as it was in my office, at least I knew what to expect, there was some comfort in that. Outside of it, there is the hope that things could be better, but on the flip side, things could be worse. Leaving is scary.

I wonít go into all the details of why it was so bad, but I will say that the last 4 years have been pure torture and stress. My health, both physical and mental have taken a beating. My relationships and my running were really suffering.

Running, my stress-reliever and source of joy had become just another thing to worry about. The last month, I started having anxiety attacks while running.

I was becoming a slave to depression, stress, fear and anxiety. My chest hurt ALL the time. (I just had a physical - Iím in perfect health - its all anxiety/stress) I cried all the time. The littlest things would piss me off. I can live like that. I donít want to live like that. My husband doesnít want to live like that. I lost everything carefree, light-hearted and joyfulful. How sad is that. Anxiety was dominating my life. I finally realized both me and my family deserved better. I said, ĎWhen.í (Regarding Henry reference)

Today, I went for a six mile run. For the first time in a year I really, truly, honestly ENJOYED it.

My chest didnít hurt. I didnít stress about time or piriformis issues. I just ran.
I did a 3 mile out Ďn back bike trail. The first 3 miles are all uphill but that means those last 3 are all downhill. Oh my gosh was it fun!!

I was booking it down that hill. I was so relaxed, I finally felt free. I started laughing and just having a grand ol timeÖ I even stuck out my arms and did airplane wings down the hairpin portion. It was FANTASTIC!!

I donít know for sure yet what my next career step will be, but Iím not afraid anymore. I just know that after 19 years I am finally ready for a new adventure. Iím so blessed to have a husband who is willing to give me time to work on me and recover. He may have to pick up a couple of extra shifts the next few months to make up the income difference. But heís okay with that. We talked about it a lot the last couple of months.

I love him so.

My chains are gone. Iíve been set free. My God, My Saviour has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending Love. Amazing Grace.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARMAERT 9/12/2014 11:33PM

    excellent song choice! bet it feels wonderful to be "free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty you are free at last!"

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ALICIA214 9/12/2014 3:30PM


I\hope you find something worth while in the work force .. you have a great Hubby TREASURE HIM.
emoticon on having the strength to get out of a job that was
causing you so much pain and unhappiness.. GODBLESS.. emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/12/2014 3:38:54 PM

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JLOVESDOGS 9/12/2014 3:29PM

    emoticon You did the right thing. No job is worth that! Have you checked into unemployment? This same thing happened to one of my friends and she was able to collect (in MA). She had to document things and show them she had no choice but to quit because of the stress. Just a thought.....

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4ANEWME2DAY 9/12/2014 1:41PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon wishes!! emoticon emoticon

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Should I race tomorrow?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Iím probably gonna run a 10k tomorrow for Wounded WarriorsÖ Iím nervous about it. I heard about it on the 4th, the guy doing it started running races on the anniversary of his battle buddyís death (died in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan in 2009) as a way to remember and honor him. This is the inaugural event, he started his own race this year. The concept is once everyone registers, they put you on a random team combining ages and sexes. There is a staggered start based on sex and age, then there are prizes for the fastest overall team and individual times.

I want to race and to run for a reason other than personal gain.
Watching the wounded veteran doing the wheelchair race at last years USAF Marathon had a HUGE impact on me.
I was struggling at mile 9, going up another hillÖ my piriformis and back were SCREAMING. I decided to walk. Then out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a wheelÖ Watching him struggle up the hill at mile 22 for him, mile 9 for me gave me such inspiration, such hope. I called out to him, cheered him on. Others in the crowd followed my lead. Soon everyone was cheering and clapping. Tears began streaming down my face as my feet once again began to run. If he could push through the pain of losing his legs and doing a marathon, I could push through the aches of my 1/2.
I want to run for those who no longer can. Thatís why I teamed up with Team Fisher House for this yearís USAF Ĺ, thatís why I ran the Freedom 4th with proceeds going to Veterans.
Iím so thankful to God that my Air force retired, disabled veteran hubby is as strong and healthy as he is, that so far, wheelchairs are not our reality. But he canít run with me so I want to make some running friends.
I have a couple of friends that flitter around with running, 45 min 5ks or such, but no one who does the distance or pace that Iím at. Iíve done a couple of races with my sister, but she isnít up to 6 miles yet and my bro is a 3hr marathoner ~ way outta my league. I want to make friends so that I have people to run with so that my sweet, non-running hubby doesnít have to go with me and stand around for 2 hrs all the time waiting for me. And Iíve gone by myself, but thatís no fun either.

ButÖ. in this race, on a team with strangers ---- What if Iím the one who holds these random strangers back?? To race or not to race, that is todayís question

And... in case you want to donate to The FisherHouse, here is my USAF page:

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FROSTIERACES 7/27/2014 2:11PM

    So did you run?! emoticon

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VISUALLYRICS 7/18/2014 12:36PM

    As long as you have a healthy body - RUN! emoticon emoticon , and have a blast! WISH I could run with you! And how motivating this race is especially!'s to you finding a running buddy with goals that are close to yours. emoticon

emoticon Laura

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What didn't suck about that run

Sunday, June 22, 2014

That was a mentally and physically tough run. I really wanted to chuck it. But I got goals. I got dreams. Chucking my run wouldnít help me achieve either of those.
It was HUMID!
Way humid. My clothes were soaked after the first 10 mins. Thank goodness for anti-chaffing balm. My chest started hurting from the heaviness of the air.

Then my back strain began bothering me. Right in my waistline on the right side. I pulled it Thursday lifting weights. I thought it was better, but obviously it wasnít.
Then my path was flooded out.

Then my arches started aching.
Then my big toe started hurting.
Then my piriformis began to protest.
Then my stomach began to gurgle (I tried a new hydration drink that wasnít sitting well).
I could go on and on.
Sometimes running really sucks.
But you know what didnít suck?
~ The older gentleman I passed who was out walking who said, ĎYouíre tough! Wow, look at you go. Good job!í. He has no idea how much his words encouraged me and inspired me to keep going.
~ That despite the weather, despite the pain, despite the mental challenges - I KEPT RUNNING! I didnít quit.
~ The pride I felt in myself for sticking with my plan. The determination I exhibited.
~ That even though I had some aches, I have no real injuries to prevent me - I am physically able to run. I have a relatively healthy and strong body. emoticon

Thatís what didnít suck.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FROSTIERACES 7/27/2014 2:08PM

    Your path was flooded with aches, pains, and water! But you did it!! Woohoo! You're extremely determined and I'm so proud of you!

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-POLEDANCEGIRL- 6/26/2014 9:15AM

    That is awesome! He probably had no idea how much his words meant to you. But, they inspired you to keep pushing.

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BTLSMUM 6/26/2014 8:52AM

    Good for you! I just started running with my 17 yo son and I have to remind myself that it takes time to get better. Every run is a fight with my brain to keep going.

I am getting pretty sick of the river being flooded though. And, with the various projects they'll have continuing and new ones starting (the damn being removed) I don't think it's going to improve for another year or so.

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MARMAERT 6/22/2014 3:46PM

    Good for you! You kept going and I bet you felt much better about yourself for doing it!

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VISUALLYRICS 6/22/2014 9:36AM

    emoticon emoticon on sticking to it! LOVE those timely compliments!

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NUTRON3 6/22/2014 9:10AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Summer plan ~

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

As part of the BTS we need to write out our summer plan for fitness & nutrition. So hereís my plan Ö
Sciatic has been flaring up, my #1 goal is to not allow it to become debilitating

2. RUN - USAF Ĺ Marathon training
Would really love to run a 1:59 or less Ĺ in the fall

3. Core exercises -
Iíve got a weak core which is causing a lot of my sciatic issues.
* I will do my PT exercises at least 3xs a week - shooting for more, but trying to set a realistic/attainable goal
* Daily 30 sec+ plank & side planks - I can squeeze in 2 -3 mins of planks every day - no one is that busy

3. Lose Weight
My nutrition plan is: Keep to 1400 calories or less daily - eat the majority of those 1400 calories with whole/real foods, but Iím not gonna be hard core over the summer with this. I am gonna focus on the calorie count and do my best no matter what life throws at me. I have the power to chose whatever foods I want as long as its 1400 calories or less. Iíve got the power. Hopefully, I will make good choices more often than not.

4. Treat myself with kindness, forgiveness and mercy
I am my own worst enemy. I give myself some royal beatings. Ultimately, this only makes things worst. I will focus this summer on being my best cheerleader, my best friend, my best encourager.

I started the 100 Days of Weightloss book yesterday. The number one thing is to stick with the book and whichever program I choose for 100 days (even if it takes me more than 100 days).
I plan on taking the 15 - 20 mins each day to read the chapter & do the daily To Do List every day for the next 98 days. I think I will learn so much about how my emotions play into my overeating and what healthy steps to take in order to live without overeating to compensate for my feelings.

Iím not going to overextend myself with goals & aspirations that I wonít be able to meet. I want to live FREE this summer. I am focusing on just a few simple areas and giving them my all. Once Iíve got those areas under control I can add other goals.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FROSTIERACES 6/20/2014 10:03AM

    I really, really love this blog! You are so goal oriented.. and stick to what you have planned. I really admire that. I am always in awe of your quick running pace...WoW! Please let my legs carry me a little faster one of these days! You really inspire me to run more when I read your blogs. I love your words about having a relaxed summertime..treating yourself kindly. Having grace for myself is one of my most difficult tasks. I just love this blog! You're a great friend, such a strong beautiful soul! I hope you have a marvelously lovely weekend... Oh and more sunshine too! emoticon

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FITLIKENIC 6/11/2014 9:29PM

    You CAN do it! Great summer goals.

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JOYFULSPIRIT920 6/11/2014 9:27PM

    Haha!! Just realized I have 2 #3s haha!

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DRADDIE 6/11/2014 2:16PM

    Under two is my ULTIMATE goal!! Some day maybe. First, just going to try for 2:10 or under. Go Heather Go!!!

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PINKBEANBOO 6/11/2014 11:29AM

    Under 2:00!!!! That would be so awesome.

You've got a little structure for your summer but not so much that you can't be FREE. Doesn't that sound wonderful - a FREE summer.
Have fun! emoticon

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ARKPLE 6/11/2014 11:09AM

    I think you'll do really well, especially along with Linda Spangle. I think she is wonderful!

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BRAINBENTT 6/11/2014 11:05AM


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PRAIRIECROCUS 6/11/2014 10:58AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Thursday, May 08, 2014

A couple of weeks ago, I heard someone say, ĎAt what weight are you free?í
What do you mean by free, I thought to myself.
ĎFree to be happy. Free to move as you want to move. Free to live as you want to live. Free from being consumed with thoughts of food, calorie counting, inhibition, worry, health issues, etcí.

They then went on to tell a story about a former Miss Kentucky. ( this is my paraphrase of the story )

(oh, and the purpose is not to get caught up in the numbers, but the feelings behind the numbers)

Ms Kentucky says, Iíve been a size 4 and all sizes in between to a size 14. My husband prefers me around a size 6. But, I canít be free at a size 4 or 6. All I think about is food. My every thought is consumed with what Iím eating, how much Iím eating, constantly counting calories in my head, always thinking Ďwhat will I eat nextí, always thinking about what Iím missing out on. Iím not free to live there.
Iím also not free at a size 14. At a 14 Iím consumed with my rolls, disguising them, hating them, checking out the other women in a room to see if Iím the largest. There isnít freedom there because Iím not happy. I am eating with abandon, and that isnít healthy. Its the opposite of me at a size 4 - but ultimately Iím still consumed with thoughts of me and food. I am happy at a size 10. I am proudly a size 10. I am happy, healthy, content with me at a size 10. I make good, healthy food choices. I allow myself treats in moderation, but they are not my focus.

Iíve been pondering this ever since... what is my FREEDOM WEIGHT?

At what weight am I, Heather, still making healthy choices about what I eat, but allowing myself to indulge in goodies with moderation. (cause man, I love me an occasional junk-food treat)

Where am I free - Not having a list of bad & good foods - not telling my hubby I canít go a particular restaurant - not eating bday cake at a party? I donít mean I want to be unhealthy or overweight - I donít mean indulging every day or overeating on a regular basis - but where can I live without being consumed with food and calories, good or bad.

Iíve whittled my way down from a size 14 to a size 2-4. I lived there for 3 years. EVERY moment of EVERY day all I thought about was food. Is it time to eat again, what will I eat, how much will I eat, can I eat that, no donít eat that - I loved being told I was Ďskinnyí - I hadnít heard those words directed at me since I was a kid. I felt good about my weight loss, but was I living a happy, fulfilling life? No. Not really. How can you truly enjoy life when you are consumed with thoughts of food. I was living in a total me-centric world. EVERYTHING for me revolved around food and losing weight.

Due to some injuries and emotional issues, Iíve put back A LOT of weight. Iím now fluctuating between a 6 and an 8 - more towards 8 as of recently. Again, everything became about food - comforting myself with food, living with abandon, gaining weight - Iím right back in that same spot --- my life has become about eating, calorie counting, obsessing, feeding, beating myself up for failing -- I donít want to live this way.

I think for me, Iíd be my most happy, contented self as a 6. I can live there. It means eating with moderation not abandoning. It means exercising without working-out 3xs a day, overdoing it and hurting myself. It means eating to live not living to eat. It means finding balance, joy and contentment. Working out without beating myself up emotionally for missing a workout. Allowing myself to recover when I have an injury instead of pushing myself too hard. I donít want FOOD, EXERCISE, COMPARISON to be the driving factors in how I live my life.

I want JOY! CONTENTMENT! FAMILY! FRIENDS! LOVE! LAUGHTER! to be what people remember about me, not - well, she was miserable but she was a size 2.

I donít have all the answers, but Iím working on what works for me.

Whatís your freedom weight? Where can you live a happy, fulfilling, contented, pleased-with-yourself life?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FROSTIERACES 5/26/2014 8:40AM

    I love this blog! I definitely have a size that I feel free at...striving to get there again!!

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PINKBEANBOO 5/8/2014 9:30PM

    I think it's a 4 or a 6 for me, too. Although, it's been so long since I've been that size I don't really remember what it was like.

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ROBYN168 5/8/2014 9:18PM

    I don't have a clothes size that I can say I am free, but my body has had a number on the scale that it was "free" at. A number where I could exercise moderately and eat without guilt and stay plus/minus two pounds of that number on a constant basis. I lived at that number for 5 years....and never ever thought about what I was doing as long as I got some exercise and didn't go nuts eating.

I am not working on a new happy place, and hope I can find it.

Your thoughts are so dead on accurate.

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ARKPLE 5/8/2014 5:25PM

    I call this my happy weight. I'm not sure where it is right now, but being obsessed about food and weight 24/7 and being a total "me, me person" is not freedom. I totally agree with the feelings behind your blog. Thanks for helping me put on my thinking cap! And may joy, contentment, family, friends, love and laughter be yours. xo

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