Monday, January 02, 2012
I feel like such a failure. How am I here again??? I work my butt off, lose some weight, only to lose momentum and slide right back into old habits.
I tried re-starting several months ago, and had a good mind set. Then a co-worker committed suicide, flooding my heart and mind with painful memories. I ate those feelings.... and kept on eating. And eating. And eating.
I'm miserable. I'm fat. I'm fat and miserable.
I don't even know where to start. The thought of giving up my 1/2 case a day habit of diet pepsi is overwhelming and actually frightening to me! The idea of not hitting the kitchen when ever I have the slightest emotion that leaves me uncomfortable is scary. Food is the ultimate escape for me. If I don't like what my mind and heart are thinking/feeling, I can escape into a yummy treat. Whether it's simple boredom, anxiety & panic, or the overwhelming brokenness of spirit that I haven't yet completely healed... food has always been my healing balm.
But what do you do when your treatment is going to kill you?
Ten years ago, at 411 pounds, I walked into a hospital and had gastric bypass surgery. I knew walking in that I had a 30% chance of dieing on the table. I was truly ok with those odds. Death while fighting was better than a life of apathy. Where has that fighting spirit gone? I got down to 236#. While most people would be devastated by that number on their scale, I rejoiced in it! It meant fitting into seats anywhere I went! Buying clothes right off the rack rather than catalogs! It meant going places and not being stared at like a circus freak.
Then I got married. And pregnant. And put on bed rest. I had 6 major surgeries in 5 years. Weight slipped back on. I've gained back 60#.
I'm lost in my disappointment in myself. So stalled. Yet scared to reach out... the LAST thing I want is "help" from well-meaning but oblivious friends. Friends who believe that the 30# they have to lose is the same as living a life with morbid obesity. It's a whole different ball game.... and only I can write the rules for this game.
Guess I better start coaching myself out of this funk, huh?
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
First of all... THANK YOU for the support that I've gotten. Appreciate it all!
My heart continues to skip beats and it leaves me out of breath. I'm dizzy frequently and feel extremely run down. Yes, my sodium was low. But I've upped my sodium level and reduced my water. Levels are now "normal" and my symptoms are the same. I went off my only medications and the symptoms remained. I am NOT pregnant. My thyroid is completely normal. My iron is (surprisingly!) normal. My EKG is normal with the exception of a very, very low heart rate. And my BP remains extremely low.
My general practitioner has ruled out everything he can think of, and has referred me back to the cardiologist who cared for me during my pregnancy. I'm scheduled for an echocardiogram on October 18th, with a follow up on the 21st. We are hoping that will give us some answers. It was the only thing that showed the issues while pregnant.
In the meantime, my dr has suggested that I NOT exercise more than normal daily activity due to the dizziness and near fainting. It's dangerous. Also, he has me on a "maintainance" calorie level. He just said that until we figure out what is going on with my heart and blood pressure, it's best to eliminate the diet as a possibility for causing stuff. So... no binging and ridiculous eating, but no "dieting" either.
I'm frustrated and feeling like a failure. I feel like my body is betraying me and keeping me "stuck" where I don't want to be. However, I believe strongly that my Father in heaven has my best interests in His heart, and am trusting in Him.
Thanks for reading and all the support.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I had SUCH a fun day yesterday.... and a fattening one! We went to the state fair... the home of elephant ears, corn dogs, cotton candy and funnel cakes! After a breakfast of Jack In the Box's grilled cheese sandwich (surprisingly around 350 calories... expected it to be much worse) on the drive, we made it to Yakima.
6 hours of watching my baby girl run from novelty to novelty, using new words (like Pumpkin!) for the first time, dancing to music, etc.... made my heart warm.
I had already given myself permission for a "day off from dieting". I bought margarita jelly bellies (my favorite) and shared them with Olivia. Surprisingly, I only ate a small handful.
Lunch was a hamburger patty on a bun LOADED with caramelized Walla Walla sweet onions. DECADENCE! Ridiculously delicious.
My biggest splurge was some ice cream. Yum.
Surprisingly, with permission to eat anything for dinner, I chose my usual turkey sandwich on a sandwich thin with a few green olives.
I ended the day about 600 calories over. And I don't really feel bad about it. I had a special day with my family. I was MINDFUL about everything I ate, and it was all a choice. It wasn't just a mindless binge. It was a decision to take a day without worrying about every food choice and trying to find something "healthy" in a sea of deep fryers . And today is back to program.
It feels surprisingly GOOD to know that I can take a "day off" without throwing away all my hard work. Losing weight is not an "all or nothing" project. I think that this knowledge is good for me.... I have thrown away weeks and months of hard work and weight loss in the past because "I screwed up" and then threw it away. That led to decades of yo-yo dieting.
If this is more about learning to make better choices and leading a healthier life style, then this lesson was vital for me. I'm happy I had my day off. :)
Thanks for reading, and comments are always appreciated. Hope you have a wonderful Sunday full of blessings!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I stole it from someone who stole it from someone else. ;)
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? Either
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? No, I stay in cheap motels. ;)
3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? Out
4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before? No
5. Do you like to use post-it notes? Yes!!!
6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Yes, but I use a lot of them
7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees? Bear, it would be quicker
8. Do you have freckles? yes, but only in the summer
9. Do you always smile for pictures? Pictures you pose for? Usually but not always
10. What is your biggest pet peeve? Oh! I have SO MANY! Ignorance. And stores putting holiday stuff out 3 months too early.
11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk? Yes... especially if I'm not taking my meds for OCD. ;)
12. Have you ever peed in the woods? No
13. What about pooped in the woods? Um. NO
14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing? No
15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?Nope
16. How many people have you slept with this week? Two... hubby and daughter. Dog and cat sleep with us too. As for other kind of "slept".. no one, I'm married, haha
17. What size is your bed? King
18. What is your Song of the week? Chicken Fried
19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yep!
20. Do you still watch cartoons? I have a 2 year old... I try not to, but I do
21. What's your least favorite movie? Glimmer (Mariah Carey's dissaster!)
22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? In the bank
23. What do you drink with dinner? water / crystal light
24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? bbq sauce
25. What is your favorite food? MEXICAN! And chocoloate
26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Where the heart is; The Notebook; A Walk to Remember
27. Last person you kissed/kissed you? my husband
28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout? no
29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? No
30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? I can't remember!
31. Can you change the oil on a car? no
32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Yes, two
33. Ran out of gas? Yes
34. Favorite kind of sandwich? Turkey & Cheese
35 Best thing to eat for breakfast? french toast
36. What is your usual bedtime? About 9:30
37. Are you lazy? Yep. When I have time to be. ;)
38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? We didn't do Halloween when I was a kid.
39. What is your Chinese astrological sign? No idea!
40. How many languages can you speak? English and some Spanish and a bit of Dutch
41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? National Geographic
42..Which are better Legos or lincoln logs? Legos
43. Are you stubborn? Absolute
44. Who is better.. ? ????
45. Ever watch soap operas? YES! General hospital since college
46. Afraid of heights? Yes I am!!!
47. Sing in the car? Yes I do
48. Dance in the shower? no, I'd slip and break my neck!
49. Dance in the car? Yes.. especially with my daughter
50. Ever used a gun? Yes as a child. Now I don't like them.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?April 2005 at my wedding... but my husband is a photog, so all the time. :)
52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? Pretty much, yes.
53. Is Christmas stressful? Yes, but wonderful!
54. Ever eat a pierogi? YUM! Yes
55. Favorite type of fruit pie? peach
56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? vet and missionary
57. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope
58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes
59. Take a vitamin daily? No. I have some tho, lol
60. Wear slippers? In the winter
61. Wear a bath robe? no
62. What do you wear to bed? undies and a tank top
63. First concert? Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant
64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Mmm... tough one. Tie between Target & Walmart
65. Nike or Adidas? Nike
66.Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos
67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Sunflower seeds
68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? No
69. Ever take dance lessons? No. I have no rythm
70. Is there a profession you picture your (future) spouse doing?
Doing photography privately
71. Can you curl your tongue? nYes
72. Ever won a spelling bee? No, the thought is laughable!
73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes
74. Own any record albums? no
75. Own a record player? Not anymore
76. Regularly burn incense? No.. makes my nose stuffy
77. Ever been in love? yep
78. Who would you like to see in concert? Martina McBride
79. What was the last concert you saw? Sarah Evans
80.Hot tea or cold tea? Neither.. ick
81.Tea or coffee? Neither!
82. Sugar or snickerdoodles? snickerdoodles
83.Can you swim well? yes
84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes
85. Are you patient? yes, I am a parent & social worker!
86. DJ or band, at a wedding? Neither. Small garden wedding. :)
87.Ever won a contest? No
88. Ever have plastic surgery? No. But I need some! :)
89. Which are better black or green olives? BOTH! YUM!
90.Can you knit or crochet? Crochet.
91. Best room for a fireplace? living room
92. Do you want to get married? I am married
93. If married, how long have you been married? 5 1/2 years
94. Who was your HS crush? A good friend.
95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No
96. Do you have kids? Yes, I have a 2 year old daughter.
97. Do you want kids? Yes, in a few years
98. What's your favorite color? Pink
99. Do you miss anyone right now? yes
100. Did you watch Next Great American Band on FOX? No.
Hope you enjoyed. I'd love to get to know you better, too!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
What a day! Got up this morning and went to some yard sales with my hubby and daughter. Then went to the Sausage Festival (a fundraiser for a local church). We played games with my daughter and got huge sausage dogs. Home for a bit, then off to Olive Garden for Mom's Night Out with friends.
I had some huge splurges today, and still somehow came in with 15 calories to spare! :)
While I ate more than I probably should have, I realized that I would have done much, much worse 2 months ago. This morning I brought a fiber one bar and 20 ounces of water for breakfast. A few months ago, it would have been a sausage McMuffing with egg and hashbrowns from Mcd's.
Lunch was a sausage dog on a hoagie roll at the festival. Two months ago I would have followed it up with a funnel cake with all the toppings!
Dinner was a garden fare entree with minestrone soup and one breadstick at Olive garden. I splurged on a berry margarita. Two months ago I would have had countless breadsticks with a side of alfredo sauce, salad with lots of dressing, chicken alfredo, and the lemon cream pie. Yes, seriously.
And you know the crazy thing??? The Apricot chicken was DELICIOUS for under 500 calories. Truely delish! And I didn't feel deprived at all. I laughed and ate and had fun with my friends. It was a great day!
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