Thursday, January 05, 2012
Not only did I do a cardio work out for the 3rd day in a row, but I also did 30 minutes of strength training with my trainer! I've never done that before! It was tough, but it left me SO PROUD!
In my calorie range today. Got my work out in. Plans to go back tomorrow. Yeah me!
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
This morning, I drove thru McDonalds and told myself that small steps counted. I allowed myself to be proud of ordering a sandwich without hashbrowns. And moved on with my day.
Then I went to the store and bought a few healthy staples, followed by a healthy lunch.
I got to thinking about joining a gym. The cost, the commitment, my husband's thoughts, what to do with our 3 yr old if I was working out, etc., etc., etc. Decided to *just for kicks* check out a neighborhood gym online. Not surprisingly, they are currently running a great New Years promo. Spoke with my hubby who was all over that idea!
So, before I could lose my nerve, I went to the gym and signed us up. Now... I haven't been inside a gym in 20 years. Not since High School when I felt like a circus freak in front of all the thin, beautiful girls (you know the ones... the ones who could be running on a treadmill and NOTHING on them jiggles!). I nearly had a panic attack walking in... mentally preparing for teasing, pointing, laughing, etc.
Guess what? NO ONE treated me badly. That was all in my head! I toured the place and signed us up!
When my husband came home tonight we loaded up our daughter and drove the 1/2 mile to the gym. I did a total of 25 minutes of cardio on 3 different machines (side by side with husband for moral support). I went slow. I focused on my machine and conversation with hubby rather than those around me. I didn't want to know if they were staring at me, or wondering what on EARTH I was doing in a gym.
This is big for me. HUGE! As a mental health professional, I get the enormity of psychological blocks. And the importance of challenging them.
Today, I joined a gym. Me.
And guess what? Even with that McDonalds sandwich, I'm still within my calorie range today! Go me!
I'm pretty sure it's frigid in Hades tonight.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
I took a step. A couple of them, really. Small steps, but steps all the same. While rushing around this morning seeing clients after dropping my little one off, I was starving. The diet pepsi I'd brought wasn't quite cutting it. I stopped at McD's, but chose high-protein, low-carb option, and left the hashbrowns behind. :) That's a step for me!
After rushing around to meet clients on time, I made a quick stop at the store. In all honesty, I stood in the pharmacy isle for the longest time looking at all the drops, bars, pills, and shakes that offer quick weight loss. And decided against them all. No pill is going to change a life time of bad habits. Only a chance in ME will do that.
Instead, I spent my hard earned money on some healthy foods to have in the house and headed home for a quick lunch. Instead of 600 calories of empty carbs chased by whatever sweets I could find in the kitchen, I went with a can of tuna with a bit of mayo piled on a flat-out bread.
Haven't made much improvement on the diet pepsi vs. water war, but this is a start. I made a step in the right direction. I'll try to keep taking them... one by one... maybe I'll slowly get where I want to go.
Monday, January 02, 2012
I feel like such a failure. How am I here again??? I work my butt off, lose some weight, only to lose momentum and slide right back into old habits.
I tried re-starting several months ago, and had a good mind set. Then a co-worker committed suicide, flooding my heart and mind with painful memories. I ate those feelings.... and kept on eating. And eating. And eating.
I'm miserable. I'm fat. I'm fat and miserable.
I don't even know where to start. The thought of giving up my 1/2 case a day habit of diet pepsi is overwhelming and actually frightening to me! The idea of not hitting the kitchen when ever I have the slightest emotion that leaves me uncomfortable is scary. Food is the ultimate escape for me. If I don't like what my mind and heart are thinking/feeling, I can escape into a yummy treat. Whether it's simple boredom, anxiety & panic, or the overwhelming brokenness of spirit that I haven't yet completely healed... food has always been my healing balm.
But what do you do when your treatment is going to kill you?
Ten years ago, at 411 pounds, I walked into a hospital and had gastric bypass surgery. I knew walking in that I had a 30% chance of dieing on the table. I was truly ok with those odds. Death while fighting was better than a life of apathy. Where has that fighting spirit gone? I got down to 236#. While most people would be devastated by that number on their scale, I rejoiced in it! It meant fitting into seats anywhere I went! Buying clothes right off the rack rather than catalogs! It meant going places and not being stared at like a circus freak.
Then I got married. And pregnant. And put on bed rest. I had 6 major surgeries in 5 years. Weight slipped back on. I've gained back 60#.
I'm lost in my disappointment in myself. So stalled. Yet scared to reach out... the LAST thing I want is "help" from well-meaning but oblivious friends. Friends who believe that the 30# they have to lose is the same as living a life with morbid obesity. It's a whole different ball game.... and only I can write the rules for this game.
Guess I better start coaching myself out of this funk, huh?
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
First of all... THANK YOU for the support that I've gotten. Appreciate it all!
My heart continues to skip beats and it leaves me out of breath. I'm dizzy frequently and feel extremely run down. Yes, my sodium was low. But I've upped my sodium level and reduced my water. Levels are now "normal" and my symptoms are the same. I went off my only medications and the symptoms remained. I am NOT pregnant. My thyroid is completely normal. My iron is (surprisingly!) normal. My EKG is normal with the exception of a very, very low heart rate. And my BP remains extremely low.
My general practitioner has ruled out everything he can think of, and has referred me back to the cardiologist who cared for me during my pregnancy. I'm scheduled for an echocardiogram on October 18th, with a follow up on the 21st. We are hoping that will give us some answers. It was the only thing that showed the issues while pregnant.
In the meantime, my dr has suggested that I NOT exercise more than normal daily activity due to the dizziness and near fainting. It's dangerous. Also, he has me on a "maintainance" calorie level. He just said that until we figure out what is going on with my heart and blood pressure, it's best to eliminate the diet as a possibility for causing stuff. So... no binging and ridiculous eating, but no "dieting" either.
I'm frustrated and feeling like a failure. I feel like my body is betraying me and keeping me "stuck" where I don't want to be. However, I believe strongly that my Father in heaven has my best interests in His heart, and am trusting in Him.
Thanks for reading and all the support.
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