Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The last 36 hours have been rough. I ate horribly yesterday... actually only went over my calories by about 300 (MUCH better that I'd have thought), but it was the constant snacking when I wasn't hungry. It was the mindless eating and snacking ALL DAY that left me feeling like a failure. It continued into this morning and early afternoon.
Then a client noticed that I'd lost weight and complimented me. And it woke me up in some way! My hard work is paying off. So why on earth am I sabotaging myself??? So, I'm back on track since afternoon snack. I'm still within my calorie range, so I'm good.
I suppose this is what PLANNING does for you. Even when I binge, I stay within calorie range (or close to). Why? Because I have so little junk food in the house. I have Dora the Explorer fruit snacks, goldfish, and grahm crackers. I think that's it. So unless you're 2, there's not much high calorie binging to be had in this house.
Anyway..... one this I learned is that "falling off the wagon" isn't actually falling off. Why? Because it's not like you can't get back on. You don't have to wait for a new wagon. You simply dust yourself off and get right back on. By getting back to plan at the next snack rather than tomorrow, I should stay within calorie range. If I'd kept going all day, I'm sure I'd be over again.
Thanks for the encouragement and comments. Always appreciated. :)
Monday, September 13, 2010
Bad choices. Old habits. Feeling crappy.
That's all. Glad tomorrow comes with a blanke nutrition page.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I'm exhausted tonight. Physically sore and tired. Sun and wind burned. And happy.
Yesterday I spent 6 hours sorting yard sale goods with my friend for my mom's group charity yard sale. During which I tripped and fell carrying my 30# 2 year old, bruising my shin and wrenching my back and neck and lightly spraining my wrist. Last night I slept horribly, only to get up at 5:50 am to get us up, dressed, loaded, and to my friend's house by 6:45.
I spent all day with my friends hosting the yard sale. We didn't quit until 3 pm, then had to clean up. It was a TON of work But we had a blast! We laughed so hard that we cried several times. At one point I thought I was going to hyperventilate. We talked about clothing and weight and diet and marriage and family. And laughed some more.
About a month ago I chose to walk away from a group of friend that I love dearly. But I felt that the drama and conflict associated with the group wasn't healthy for me. And at times I've doubted my decision. I've missed them. I've missed the laughter and friendship. But today I felt truly free to be myself. And completely accepted. I didn't feel like the "fat" girl. I didn't feel like the 5th wheel. I felt completely .......... great. I belonged. And I realized that the month away from my other group has allowed me to more fully invest myself in the mom's group, and help head this fund raiser. And I'm finding fullfillment and joy in it!
My husband and daughter visited and brought beverages through out the day. And I felt truly blessed. My life is so full!
This morning I told my husband "I'm bringing a breakfast bar, but not planning for lunch. I just want to fit in". And you know what? I still made great food choices and am well within my calorie range! (FYI: pickles, tomatos, and bbq sauce with grilled chicken make a great sandwich from Jack in the box for about 400 calories!!) I got a fruit cup instead of fries, and the only comment was "Oh! That looks good!". There was top in the yard sale pile that I liked that was to small for me. With their encouragement I got it. As they said "You're doing great and will fit into it soon!". I didn't feel left out because I was "dieting". I was able to just say "Get lunch where ever you want! I'll find something there I want" and did. It felt liberating.
So a day full of laughter, friends, charity, and family.... does it get better than that???? Oh... and we raised $630 to help families in need this holiday season!!!! And this was just our first stage of this project!
It was a good day.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Ha! Judy- 1: Candy Corn-0
You should know.... I love candy corn. It's Fall in a bag! And c'mon! it's shaped like corn and made with honey.... it should be healthy, right???
Yeah.... couldn't convince myself either. I ran into Target today to buy diapers and a few other things. I walked by the Halloween stuff and rolled my eyes about the displays being out so early (a huge pet peeve of mine). And then I saw it. If it had been a movie, the music would have swelled, and a spotlight would have shown on it. A huge display of Brach's candy corn. That sugary, halloween evil that I love so much.
I approached. I looked. I picked up the back. I read the nutritionals. 20 pieces for something like 240 calories. I put it down. I picked it back up. I put it down. I picked it back up, threw it in my cart, and moved onward. Then I saw the snickers. A small package of fun size bars. I looked. 2 bars for 160 calories. Really??? The candy corns are TWICE AS BAD as snickers? I mean.... at least Snickers have peanuts. The only nutritional salvation for candy corn is the honey in it..... maybe.
I put the Snickers package in my cart and moved on. I picked up the other items I needed. But felt awful... heavy, anxious, worried... bad. I was making a bad choice. I knew it. But I craved that old experience of scarfing down sugary treats and soda while driving around. No one would know, right?
I would know. And really.... who else matters? No one else lives in this body with me. Just me, myself, and I. And I would know.
I don't want to feel like I can NEVER have sugar/candy again. That's deprivation, not living. I want to LIVE. And to me, living includes treats. But I KNEW that if I bought that bag, I'd revert to an old behavior. In being honest with myself, I knew there was not way I was going to split that bag into 20 piece portions and keep to that. It's not realistic for me.
So I put them back. Shhhh.... don't tell, but I put them back in the wrong place. But I put them back. I apologize for the extra work I caused the Target associate, but really.... it was a diet emergency. Hope they understand.
At the end of my day, I was victorious!!!! Yes, I bought the snickers. And yes, I ate one. It had 80 calories for one, and was delicious. And I included it (of course) in my nutritionals. And I don't feel bad about it. I feel fine about that decision. I feel IN CONTROL of that decision. The candy corns.... not so much in control.
But Ha! Take that Brach's candy company! You don't control me anymore!!!!
Now.... let's cross our fingers I can continue to resist the Brach's magic lure for the next 2 months!!!!
Thanks for your comments and reading. As always, it's nice to know people care! :)
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
While certainly no secret, I haven't discussed my recent life events here on Spark People much. Mostly because it's not directly applicable to my weight loss. But, in June of this year, I located my birth brother. We have spent the past couple of months getting to know each other.
I was born to a 34 year old widow and single mother back in 1974. After my birth, she checked out the hospital without me. She abandoned me there. Five days later, a social worker with a court order got me into a foster home. From there I went to my forever home. :)
All my life I struggled with my adoption... much as a struggled with my weight. You see, my parents and brother (legal family) are all quite thin. My mom (bless her heart) simply never understood my struggle with weight and often punished me for gaining weight. When I was 28, I searched for my birth mother and older brother. It did NOT go well. My intermediary (hired thru the courts) found her and she was a cold, broken woman. She wanted nothing to do with me. And I felt the same old thoughts that I'd heard all my life "I'm not good enough for her", and turned to food. But in the search for her, I'd learned that I had another brother. Two years after leaving me in the hospital, she had a son and adopted him out also. But I was so emotionally bruised and battered that I limped away from my birth family and focused on myself.
I had learned that my birth mother had had 3 strokes before the age of 60. And I was 28 years old and 411 pounds. A few months later, my gallbladder quit working and I needed surgery. Due to my weight, I was ineligible for laproscopic surgery. And so I elected to pair the surgery with gastric bypass. I used my pain from finding her as motivation to move past her. I lost 170#. I married. I got pregnant and had a beautiful child. And regained 60#. And thru it all, I continued to feel that a piece of me was missing. There was another child out there that shared my blood. And he had not abandoned me. He was an innocent in it all.
So, I hired the same intermediary again. And she found him! And we are working on getting to know each other. We talk and email frequently. We have exchanged pictures of ourselves and our families. Our children are cousins! I have been texting him this afternoon and feel such a warmness in my heart when I see his name on my phone or email. I have family! Birth family! Ties! History!
And we are so alike. For the first time in my life, I understand that a PORTION of my weight is hereditary. We have the same genes, but different upbringings. And share the weight struggle. On some strange level, that makes me feel more.... normal. A feeling that I cherish.
Sorry for the rambling. Just thoughts that are on my mind today.
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