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Forgive me as I Digress... I really do have a point

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

A few days ago, I was working out with some AMAZING women I've been blessed to meet at my gym through my trainer, Sarah. And I have to admit... it is such a blessing to laugh at ourselves in an environment filled with love, support, and understanding.

Now, I met Sarah a year ago. I had already successfully lost a significant amount of weight, but was gaining it back at a rapid pace. And I had NEVER tried to incorporate fitness into my life. Diet, yes. Fitness, never. So my husband and I decided we would join a gym. I'd never been to a gym before and was TERRIFIED of it. My hubby was working, so I drove myself down there to join. And had a full blown panic attack in the parking lot. After the cold sweats and hyperventilating eased, I went inside and joined. The membership guy told me that hubby and I each got a "free session" with a trainer with our membership, and did I want a male or female? I told him I didn't care.

That evening, Hubby and I went back. I climbed onto the elliptical machine, thinking "How hard can it be?" I started pedaling.... then things just got jumbled up, and my un-graceful self literally fell off. Onto the carpet. In front of everyone. (Not one of my prouder moments). The membership guy I'd spoken with earlier came running out of his glass-enclosed office to ensure I was okay. He smiled and said, "I think Sarah would be the perfect trainer for you". Truer words were never spoken.

Sarah is the first person in my life who I've ever met and felt ZERO judgement from. Not even for a moment. She accepted my 310#, un-coordinated, un-athletic self completely. Instead, she just set about educating me. Teaching me how to use the equipment. Teaching me about my body and nutrition. Teaching me the basic math of weight loss and gain. And somewhere in the past year, we stopped being teacher/student and began being friends. When I ran my first race (a 1 mile fun run) last June, she ran beside me. When I had my miscarriage in August, she was the first person I texted after my husband. She is my biggest cheerleader while constantly pushing me to the next level. I think every single person should have a Sarah.

So anyway..... there I was in the gravity gym with a motley group Sarah has put together, grunting and groaning as she pushes us out of our comfort zones. We were talking about medical issues one of the ladies is experiencing and how it may be impacting her weight gain/loss. And I blurt out... "All my life I kept wishing for a thyroid problem. But darn it! My thyroid is perfect!"

And we all burst out laughing. Because it was so true. And so understood by this incredible group of women. We had all been there in our lives... actually wishing for a medical issue that would explain our weight issues. And for some people, it is true. For some people, there are medical complications. But for so many of us (particularly for me), it is not. I have endured some serious medical issues, and know the frustration and fear that comes with them. And my comment was rather flippant and probably disrespectful to those that do struggle with thyroid problems (although not meant that way!).

But for ME, it is another confrontation of the truth: My body is not broken. My mind was. For YEARS, I lamented, "I will do ANYTHING to lose this weight". Really, Judy Lynn? Anything? Will you consistently eat right? Will you stop the binge eating? Will you get off the couch and get active? Will you look your emotional demons in the eye and deal with them?

No. Those things I wasn't ready to do. My body wasn't the problem. It was the side-effect of the problem. My wounds weren't a problematic thyroid or gland issue. My wounds were emotional, and truer and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

Does my body have issues? Yes. Do I struggle to overcome things that are counter productive to weight loss? Yes. I've been struggling with PCOS since I was a young teenager, so I know how frustrating things like that can be. But I guess I'm ready to take responsibility for my weight, and the damage that I have done to my body. My PCOS is to blame for a lot of things.... but binge eating emotionally is not one of them.

I may be uncoordinated. I may be unathletic. I may be almost 39, and 80+# overweight still. But I am also capable. And I am determined. And I am worthy. Just as I am.

So with that thought..... I'm off to the gym! Look out elliptical! I'm no longer scared of you.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOM2MOLLYMATT 1/12/2013 11:00PM

    Love this post emoticon Congratulations on defeating that elliptical!

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HAPPYCRICKET 1/10/2013 5:38PM

    Very inspirational--so happy you are coming into your own.

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MOVIEGAL1 1/10/2013 2:36PM

    Great I can relate to. I wish you continued success on this journey and hope I find my Sarah one day......

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DONNA5281 1/10/2013 11:29AM

You are so inspiring! I am also going through some of the things that you mentioned. Especially going to a gym!!
emoticon emoticon for sharing.


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CATTUTT 1/10/2013 11:02AM

    This was a great post! I want a Sarah, she sounds awesome.

You've accomplished so much, and accomplishing more everyday. So inspirational to me!

Have a great Thursday!


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KIMS1972 1/10/2013 8:21AM

    You are doing awesome! Such a great motivator! Thank you again for sharing emoticon

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    emoticon :::standing ovation::: AMAZING and inspiring and motivating! emoticon for sharing! What a blessing Sarah's friendship is! She sounds like a gem! I hope the gym recognizes that because so many gyms have trainers that need attitude adjustments.

Your blog has tears flowing freely down my face - tears of happiness that you have "it all" and that is such a HUGE key.

Proud of you and happy for you that you have faced your demons you WON! emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/10/2013 5:09AM

    thanks for sharing love.i enjoy reading your blogs,i donīt think i told you that before,lol.keep on keeping on you are doing great.we all know we have a problem but finding what izt is is not always that easy. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOLABLACK69 1/10/2013 2:15AM

    Found myself in so many word here... :) Keep up the good work and good luck! emoticon

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123ELAINE456 1/9/2013 10:52PM

  It is so nice to have a group of Friends to Exercise with. Keep It Up. You are doing Great. God Bless You and Have a Super Great Day. Take Care.

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LUVSBULLDOGS 1/9/2013 10:22PM


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FROMNDTOGA 1/9/2013 9:37PM

    Isn't it great to be accepted 'as we are'? You are an inspiration!

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GR8ERJOY 1/9/2013 9:10PM

    Breakthrough blog - so many of us have said just those words, "I'll do anything..." but you're right. We haven't done it - until now. My self message lately is show up (for my workout, for my logging, for myself) or shut up.

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MARIANNE9855 1/9/2013 9:01PM

    Another great post. I haven't been to a gym yet but I hope to try that or zumawhen I am better ableto move

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2BFREE2LIVE 1/9/2013 8:47PM

    Way to go ! Show that machine who is in charge. emoticon

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LESLIELENORE 1/9/2013 7:25PM

    That is so cool that you have a group to exercise with. I struggle getting myself to the gym by myself.

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KOOKYKATHIE 1/9/2013 7:13PM

    That is: you are an inspiration to me.

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KOOKYKATHIE 1/9/2013 7:12PM

    You're in inspiration to me. emoticon

Keep on keeping on. emoticon

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KATRINAKRAUT 1/9/2013 6:57PM

    Well written and honest blog. H ow lucky that your lives crossed paths and you found someone who supports you without judging. And you are doing it...making good choices..being honest with yourself...forgiving is not all or nothing- it is tackling each day with intention and purpose and being open to the opportunities. I am happy for you!

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WALKINGMAMMA 1/9/2013 6:46PM

    emoticon Great attitude!!!!!!

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FITMARTI 1/9/2013 6:38PM


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Forgiving and Loving "that girl" in the Mirror

Monday, January 07, 2013

I have read and re-read my last blog entry several times. I find it amazing that this particular blog post received so much feedback, because it was an uncomfortable post to put out there. It was an acknowledgment of something I've been avoiding and denying for far too long.

For the past year, I have had my ticker set for my CURRENT weight loss (past years worth). When people asked me how much weight I'd lost, I'd proudly tell them the number of pounds I'd lost in 2012. At each 10# accomplishment, I'd post a picture stating that I'd lost that amount. Why is this significant? Because there was another 110# that had been lost. Another 110# of history that I was pretending didn't exist. I find that peculiar now that I think about it.

As I read and re-read yesterday's blog, and noticed my verbiage in conversations with friends today, I realize that when I think/talk about the time in my life that my weight spiraled to over 400#, I don't talk about it in the first person. I say "that girl", or "she". Never "me", or "I". I am separating myself from the person that I was. Separating myself from the place of self-loathing, sadness, and hopelessness. And in a way, it is separate. I have worked very hard for over a decade to fight my way out of that. HOWEVER! Something is screaming at me loud and clear today.

I hated myself 11 years ago. I hated what I had allowed to happen to my body. I hated the way I looked and moved. I hated the clothes I wore, and the way people stared at me in public. I hated that I didn't fit in normal furniture, and I hated how many pieces of furniture met their demise under the weight of my girth. I hated how I binged in private, as though the secret didn't show in every pound I wore. I hated myself for being weak. I hated myself for not being smart enough to find a solution. I hated myself. And worse..... I believed that because I hated myself, there was nothing lovable about me. I expected others to hate me, too.

Flash forward 11 years, and I realize that in order to get to my goal weight, I must learn to show love to myself NOW! Today! I must love myself enough to take care of myself. You destroy the things you hate. You build up the things you love. So was it any wonder that my hatred for myself continued to destroy me?

Oh, how I wish I could go back and talk to my 420#, 27 year old self! What a different experience I may have had.

I would want this girl to stand proud! She is a survivor! No one else knows the path she has taken. The fire that God asked her to walk through. And she deserves to feel proud and worthy. I would love to tell her that her worth is not measured on the scale, but rather by her heart. I would tell her to try and see herself for just a moment as God sees her..... valuable beyond measure, created with unique gifts and talents, possessing an ability to love and heal people. I would tell her that this God-given gift she has of accepting people just as they are, in their darkest hour, is more than a career.... it's her path out of the dark. It's her ticket to freedom! But she must turn that grace on herself that she so effortlessly gives to others. I would tell her that one day she would have a daughter who believes she can do anything, and that she likely hung the moon and sets the sun to rise each morning.

And you know the coolest thing? I CAN talk to that girl. Because I am that girl. And her hurts and worries are still carried in my heart. Those old insecurities still sneak out and mess with my mind now and then. So I may try to separate myself from that time because in truth, I am ashamed of it. But I can't. It is a part of my journey. It is a part of who I am. It is a piece of what I've overcome.

So you will see that my ticker now reflects my total weight loss of 180#. In my own little way, it's a means of acceptance.

This is a picture of me about 11 years ago.

This is a picture of me last month. (No, that is NOT a color I chose for my house! emoticon I was helping paint a sunday school room for our new church)

Guess what? I am no more worthy of love in the second picture than I am in the first. I may be thinner. I may have become more successful in reaching my weight loss goals. I may be happier with my life circumstances. But I am no more worthy of love and respect.

My point? I am forgiving "that" girl, and deciding to love her now. I'm sorry that I couldn't love her more at the time. And if you're reading this, and you feel like you can't get out of that pit, or feel like you aren't worthy of love, please, PLEASE reconsider. You are so unique and special. You are so worthy of love. And you deserve to meet your goals. You deserve to be healthy and enjoy life.

You deserve it all.

We all do.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERYL_ANNE 1/13/2013 12:59PM

    ... not being smart enough to find a solution.

It's not that you weren't smart enough, it's that you weren't ready to receive the message.

So many times the answer is right there and we are so preoccupied we just don't get it or see it. And then one day we are and - boom!

Woah! Where did *that* come from? :D


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TIME2BLOOM4ME 1/9/2013 2:01PM


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MARIANNE9855 1/9/2013 1:36PM

    very inspiring- I am 20 years older than you and also a social worker- unfortunately unemployed. when you are a social worker you can exhaust yourself giving to others even though it makes you feel good and successful despite your size. Now I don't have that the weight is slamming in the face and I can't ignore it. I have trouble fitting in chairs and at every interview I worry about that and if that is why they don't hire me despite my strong credentials and skills. Well, maybe God gave me this break to focus on taking care of me and getting healthy so I am taking it. emoticon

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LOLABLACK69 1/9/2013 8:53AM

    emoticon emoticon

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SEEINGCLEARLY53 1/8/2013 9:48PM

    I agree, you have to love yourself enough to change,,,,,something Im still working on,,,,Thanks for sharing, it helped me! emoticon

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YA_YAYA 1/8/2013 9:09PM

    You are incredible, spreading your story, working on loving yourself and in that helping others find their worth and love.

Your daughter needs a mom who loves herself. They learn so much from watching us. Your journey, your commitment will show in your daughter someday. She will mimic those things. You seem like a wonderful woman and great role model for your little angel.

I am working on myself with respect to accepting my body. I want children soon and one of my concerns has always been raising a confident happy child when I have struggled with these things. You give me hope. Thank you.

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CRANRANA 1/8/2013 8:23PM

  Why do we beat outselves up so? Why do we speak to ourselves in such negative ways? Why do we tie our self-worth to the number on a scale? If we could change that negative mind set, we'd be more successful in so many of life's areas. We should always treat ourselves with as much kindness and love as we treat others. You have finally reached that place--your blog was very enlightening and contains so much truth!

Comment edited on: 1/8/2013 8:23:48 PM

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    I still have trouble seeing the good in me sometimes. Guess I'll have to work on that.

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LAURAJ33 1/8/2013 6:56PM

  This actually had me crying by the end. Thank you so much for posting it! Very inspiring.

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MISSCAL1 1/8/2013 2:49PM

    Beautiful words from a beautiful person. My internal chat is a lot harsher than any words I would ever use towards anyone else. Next time that critical voice appears I will try to remember to be kinder to myself and love me for being me. Thank you for reminding me to be kind.

Keep smiling and posting. emoticon

Comment edited on: 1/8/2013 2:50:38 PM

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LESLIELENORE 1/8/2013 12:46PM

    emoticon emoticon

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    I think there must be forgiveness along the way, that you may not have acknowledged, to have the kind of success you are having! You are very right, forgiveness, love, respect, self respect, is everyones right regardless of our size or weight.

Thanks for sharing!

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FAT2GAINHEALTH 1/8/2013 11:37AM

God knew you before you were even born And He loved YOU!!!! I too have been going through the part of loving myself now and not in the future. I also am learning to forgive myself for doing to my body what I had done. I was up to 390# when I quit weighing myself. Like not weighing would not make the weight I had on my body be there. Haha! It is important to know you can and should forgive and love yourself all along the journey. Keep up the good work.
Marcia emoticon

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CONNIER64 1/8/2013 11:35AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MAVERICK59 1/8/2013 11:11AM

    Forgiving ourselves is a very difficult thing to do.
I am still working on it.
I have lost 110 pounds, still have another 100 to go.
I feel like I lost about 40 years of my life too.
There is so much sadness around that.
But I can't get it back, I can only go forward.
One day at a time.

May God Bless and guide you on your journey through life.

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COLEMAN500 1/8/2013 10:06AM

    You are a Human Sparkler!! A motivation for us all

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    Your blog touched me in so many ways this morning. I applaud you for having the strength and courage to tell your story. You have made a difference for me.

I too, am a person who feels I am not worthy of love. While my journey with SparkPeople has been self awakening, I'm still not able to find the love of myself. And until I do, I won't get there.

You are amazing! And I also think you're beautiful.


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CCASKEY37 1/8/2013 8:27AM

    Good for you for confronting this paradox. We're all trying to get thinner and look 'better' but at the same time we are all pretty good people already. I'm glad you can be serious about it. So far the best I'm able to do is make fun of myself.

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IROCK40 1/8/2013 8:09AM

    So inspiring. Thank you for sharing. Hugs

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FROMNDTOGA 1/8/2013 8:01AM

    Congrats on your journey so far. You are an inspiration.

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    Beautiful inside and out!

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SWEETNEEY 1/8/2013 7:40AM

    Even more Priceless.

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STRAYMONET 1/8/2013 4:02AM

    Great blog! You are inspiring! emoticon

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2BFREE2LIVE 1/8/2013 3:18AM

    Another heart felt blog. Yes your so worth all the love you can give yourself. I agree you do need to acknowledge who you were so you can be proud of who you are becoming.
With each day I wish for you to be the best life has to offer.
Hugs, Sandy

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EVER-HOPEFUL 1/8/2013 1:52AM

    so true love,thanks for sharing by the way there is nothing wrong with the colour of the paint i have it in my makes it a nice a sunny place so i want to stay there longer to cook my own food etc. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon to you and emoticon to the person you used to be as well

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LUVSBULLDOGS 1/8/2013 1:23AM

    Yes, I agree with your mom, You are so beautiful....

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KRISTIANN7 1/7/2013 10:55PM

  You are So beautiful to me Judy, and it never mattered what you weighed. When I look at your face in any picture, I see YOU, a daughter of the King and the best friend He ever gave me--the one who has loved me unconditionally my whole life and rescued me in so many ways. You are a treasure. I wish I had been there to hug you again and again those years you withdrew and isolated, to tell you how loved you are by our Heavenly Father and by me. Your journey is incredible and an inspiration to all sizes of people in any stage of life. Thank you my dear friend.

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WHY I am doing this

Sunday, January 06, 2013

"I am not trying to be a super model".

I have said this so many times lately. In response to people's questions about my weight loss goals. In response to my physician's inquiry about why I want my excess skin removed from my tummy area.

Nope. I'm not trying to be a super model. It was never in the cards, and never a part of my aspirations.

11 years ago, this was me:

Behind that smile was more self loathing and hatred than any one person should ever tolerate. That girl prayed at night that she would die. That girl was miserable. That girl had ALMOST given up. ALMOST.

'Almost' has to be one of the most important words in the English language. It expresses the difference between what is/was and what COULD have been. That girl ALMOST ate herself to death. That girl ALMOST allowed her weight and food addiction to keep her from every good thing life has to offer. ALMOST.

But she didn't.

So why do I do this? I am doing this because I fought my way out of that place for a reason. I fought my way to this place:

There is no self-loathing behind that smile. There is joy. My life has so much meaning, so much joy. Blessings that I couldn't have dreamed of 11 years ago. And I know that if I stick to it, it can only get better. I can only get stronger. I can only be a stronger role model for my beautiful, priceless daughter. If I do this, she will grow up saying "I can" rather than "I can't". I do this so that I can be the mom playing on the floor with my girl, rather than the woman who prays to die. I do this so that I can see beyond self-loathing to the beautiful blessings that God has showered on me. I do this to honor the God who created and loves me.

Nope.... being a super model has nothing to do with this. I am doing this for me. And because I NEVER want to go back to that dark, sad, lonely place. I want to live with joy.

And I am. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AURORAMILLET 2/1/2013 1:24PM


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VICKI-BISHOP56 1/25/2013 5:25PM

  Your blog brought me to tears. You have come so far and you are a super model. Maybe not in the sense some people think. But you're an inspiration to those of us that struggle day to day.
Thank you for your post. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EOWYNRUSS 1/20/2013 5:23PM

    Haven't you noticed? You ARE a supermodel.

Don't let anybody ever tell you any different.

And don't discount what I've said.

Your daughter would tell you the exact same thing.

And she'd be right.

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KELLYPAQ 1/20/2013 5:29AM

    Wow! That was very powerful! Good for you for realizing that you are valuable. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a strong woman as a roll model. I teach kindergarten and every year more and more of my students are overweight, more than just overweight. Then when I meet their parents I know why. It truly is a sad thing to see time and time again.

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KARSTAIRS 1/19/2013 4:57PM

    emoticon I needed this inspiration, thank you. I am about to turn 56 and I wish I had done this 10 years ago. I wouldn't have damaged knees, bad feet ( with possible arthritis), surgery for uterine cancer and a hernia. emoticon

emoticon You inspire me to look ahead to improving my life and all its possibilities even when pushing 60 yrs. old. emoticon

emoticon Bless you and your family.

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EFFRAYECHILDE 1/19/2013 11:02AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KRISCOREEVES 1/16/2013 7:25PM

    emoticon You are such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing.

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MELAFYAIYAI 1/16/2013 5:05PM

    Almost brings tears to my eyes to think of what a different person you are now - I hurt for the young woman of 11 years ago, and am so glad you are learning to embrace her and love yourself. Keep it up! emoticon

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TDWANDD2MYK9 1/16/2013 2:05AM

    Fantastic! emoticon

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JWOOTEN1971 1/15/2013 11:49AM

  Wonderful blog. You are truly inspiring and your little girl is lucky to have a Mom like you. emoticon

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BUYAVOWEL 1/14/2013 11:19PM

    Wow! That little girl has one amazing mother.

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GOHAWKIS1 1/14/2013 7:57PM

    Wow! You inspired me to meet my goals. I, too, will never be a supermodel--or even much of a model, although I did participate in a fashion show at larger women's clothing store (the pay was a huge discount off the clothing I chose for the show). No, I just want to walk into a store and NOT have to search for the WOMEN'S section--I'd just like to buy normal sizes.

Thanks for this inspiration.

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SHIMMERMAMA 1/14/2013 6:59PM

    Great job! You're so inspiring that you made me smile for the first time today! I can't wait until I have that same smile without the resentment and other bad feelings behind it.

Comment edited on: 1/14/2013 7:00:07 PM

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MIZZKINS 1/14/2013 9:41AM

    Yay! Your happiness is catching! emoticon

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SLENDERELLA61 1/14/2013 8:19AM

    Live with joy!! Great for you! Thanks so much for sharing. WOW!!

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HEALTHYGRAMMY49 1/13/2013 9:33PM

    Me too...thanks for the encouragement. Congrats on your continued progress!

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FIREWOMN 1/13/2013 5:31PM

    What an inspiration you are to me today. Thank you so much for your honesty and openness. I will take your story in my heart today as I make my way along my Spark journey. Big hugs to you. emoticon

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SPRINGBABY80 1/13/2013 10:41AM

  So beautiful, realistic indeed, keep up the good work.

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TORTISE110 1/13/2013 7:16AM

    You rock! Joy and more joy to you and your girl.

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TYLYNN61 1/12/2013 8:47AM

    you are AWESOME wow , I needed to read this today. Thank you for reminding me why I need to complete my journey. I ALMOST forgot.

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CM_GARDNER78 1/11/2013 11:16PM

    You are amazing!!! I CAN see the joy in that smile! :-) You are awesome - a true inspiration!! Keep it up....for you and for your beautiful daughter! :-)

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READY4CHANGE81 1/11/2013 10:13PM


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    emoticon emoticon

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WONDERGALE 1/11/2013 5:39PM

    emoticon That's all I can say!

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BRONZE50 1/11/2013 2:46PM

  Thanks for sharing your story. You inspire me.

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JACEUG 1/11/2013 1:57PM

    Excellent! are that inspiration I need today..thank you!

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BILLETWIFE 1/11/2013 12:10PM

    Thank you for sharing. You aren't ALMOST an inspiration. I would say you are ABSOLUTELY an inspiration.

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FITMARTI 1/11/2013 6:47AM


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THEGILLS2006 1/10/2013 9:02PM

    Good luck with everything I like how you used the word almost!!

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BOUTTIME24 1/10/2013 10:08AM

    This brought tears to my eyes! Literally crying happy tears for you! You are an amazing person. Probably doesn't mean much cause we don't know each other but I am proud of you. You inspire me!

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LIFETIMER54 1/10/2013 2:14AM

  emoticon for the inspiration, your truly an emoticon lady.

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MOVEITMARY 1/9/2013 9:28PM

    You are a super ROLE model, to those with whom you share your story and to your daughter.

Thank you for sharing this with us - especially right after the holidays when many of us are struggling with our motivation.

You are emoticon

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LIVINHEALTHY9 1/9/2013 9:00PM

    You so deserve to have that surgery!

You journey is so inspiring. Glad you found your joy!

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PEACEHOPE1 1/9/2013 8:33PM

    Yay, good for you! You look amazing and it's wonderful to hear how much more happiness you have in your life now. Awesome!

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MARYJEANSL 1/9/2013 8:12PM

  Good for you!! I hope your doctor was/is supportive.

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MOONSTREAM 1/9/2013 8:08PM

    emoticon Great spark spirit!

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NGCHILD 1/9/2013 8:07PM

    What a great blog and she is a great inspiration!!


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CAMSEDGE 1/9/2013 7:41PM

    Wonderfull story. Hurray for you...and your daughter.

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JILLIAN40 1/9/2013 7:32PM

    Thank-you so much for your lovely, inspirational blog!

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KTISFOCUSED 1/9/2013 6:31PM

    You are amazing! Your little girl is so blessed to have a mom who did all this for her and showed her you can achieve whatever you believe. Congratulations!!!

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EMMAEKAY 1/9/2013 6:01PM


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CARBHEADKM 1/9/2013 5:53PM

    WOW!!! WAY TO GO! Your are a great example for your daughter.

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MUSOLF6 1/9/2013 5:47PM


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SPEEDY143 1/9/2013 3:17PM

    emoticon YOU get that surgery sweetie... you deserve it emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JOANOFSPARK 1/9/2013 1:53PM

    Ohhhh, got to me......the two pictures tell the whole story.......well,okay...not the whole story but they are pretty graphic....and your story is so really moved me....Joyous is the word that I would use to describe can see it shining out of your eyes....and you have such a powerful glow ..a radiance.....of love and joy....who needs a super are the real thing......*hugs* :) emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MARIANNE9855 1/9/2013 1:28PM

    another inspiring post from someone who was as large as me and changed. You have no idea what these posts mean to me- so helpful to stay motivated.

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RUFFIT 1/9/2013 1:04PM

    You are an inspiration. Thanks for being here!! Moni emoticon emoticon

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NETSUE64 1/9/2013 12:48PM

    You have done an amazing job and have obviously worked very hard to be a great mom! You are an inspiration to me.

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Maybe my recent "relapse" was a GOOD thing

Saturday, January 05, 2013

On October 29, I hit my yearly goal of losing 70#. And I spent the next couple weeks just maintaining. Then the holidays hit. I basically spent 6-8 weeks slipping into some old habits. I still did a lot of strength training, but little cardio. And ate WAY too much junk. I stopped THINKING about what I ate, and fell back into the habit of eating what I wanted in the moment.

Then I gained back nearly 6#. I was a little shocked how quickly I could undo my hard work. So, I called the trainer I had been working with. I returned to the gym. I started tracking my intake. Basically.... I went back to my healthier lifestyle. And the weight came right back off. Every ounce of it is gone. Plus a bit.

And you know what? I'm kind of glad this happened. I have proved something to myself that I desperately needed to know. There is NOTHING wrong with my body that results in weight gain. My body responds to what I do to it. I overeat, I gain weight. I exercise and eat well, I lose weight. Simple math. And the one thing I have learned in the last 12 months is that I KNOW how to lose weight. I just haven't always been willing to do it.

My "relapse" into compulsive binge eating has made all this very clear to me. I have to work for what I want. And I want to be healthy. And smaller. And fitter. And it's all in my own power to achieve. No one can do it for me. And no one can keep me from it, either.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HBURN7 1/10/2013 3:07PM

  You're awesome! Thanks for sharing so eloquently.

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ILIKETOZUMBA 1/9/2013 5:38PM

    I love love LOVE this blog. You are SO right!! It can seem scary to take a step back and have to work to re-lose the weight...but it just proves that it CAN be done and it's not really a big deal if you nip it in the bud and get back to healthy habits. I always freak out about weight gain surrounding special occasions, and I always have to re-learn this lesson. One of these days, it'll stick with me. :) Thank you for the reminder and the inspiration!

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VATRUCKER 1/8/2013 8:35AM


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KAREN91 1/8/2013 8:29AM

    You have learned what it takes to stay at your new weight! I bet you will be sucessful at keeping the weight off. I hope I do that well when I get to maintenance. emoticon emoticon

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FIRECOM 1/8/2013 7:37AM

    I am really glad that I found your blogs. Incredible stories and obviously written from the heart.

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2BFREE2LIVE 1/6/2013 10:11PM

    A great blog and so true your right on target with your words and what you said is so true for all of us and you are proof that we all can do anything that we put our minds and body into doing. Love the great attitude your doing so good.
I am so proud of you and the new you that your creating. Sandy

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DAYSPRING-STAR 1/6/2013 6:47PM

    Another inspiring blog, LYNN2574! I'm so glad you commented on my status (thank you BTW, I am feeling better this evening) and I visited your SparkPage.

The lesson I'm taking to heart is "There is NOTHING wrong with my body that results in weight gain. My body responds to what I do to it." That is the realization that gives us the chance, the choice, the control, and the power to make changes.

If that isn't a affirmation I need, then what is?

Keep Sparking! You're doing great!

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Forgiving myself and moving on towards new goals for 2013

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

For the past 6-8 weeks, I have not been taking good care of myself. I've been strength training sporadically, and cardio has been non-existent. And my eating habits have been getting progressively worse. The result? I gained back over 5# of the 70# I lost in 2012. VERY frustrating.

The past few days has been me refocusing and getting my MIND back into the game. Because honestly.... each night for weeks I went to bed berating myself for the choices I made that day, wanting desperately to get get back on track, and just not having my mind in the right frame of mind to do it.

I do have some legitimate hurdles right now, but the bare truth is that I haven't been doing everything that I could do for myself. I don't even want to think of all the high-fat, high-sugar calories I have taken in the past couple weeks. But here is a life truth..... this is a journey, and ALL journeys have bends and curves. Sometimes you fall. The question is, am I giving up on myself, or picking myself up? My answer... I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on the path of my journey. And to do that, I have to forgive myself for falling.

So I gained back some weight. SO WHAT?!?! I lost 70# this year. Obviously I know how to lose weight. I just need to do it. 5# will not define me. I know how to lose it, and I will. And I will continue on my goal.

Yesterday and today I returned to the gym, and returned to clean eating. Yesterday I filled a garbage bag of all holiday junk left overs and got rid of it. The only junk in my house now is in my 4 yr old's snack drawer. I spent a ridiculous amount of money at Walmart restocking whole, healthy foods. I took some time to make a crock pot full of healthy chili, and package in in 1-serving freezer bags (home-made fast meals), making the ranch dressing I love, etc. Setting myself up for success again.

Today I ran into my "trainer" at the gym (since my husband lost his job, we can no longer afford sessions with her, but we've become friends, and she remains my biggest cheerleader). We talked about where I am, letting the past month or two go, and setting goals for this year.

One of my biggest struggles right now is that as I've lost weight, my abdominal fold has gotten worse. (My highest weight was 420#, and I'm now at 245#... that's a lot of excess skin!) I've been dealing with increased rashes and infections. I have seen my doctor, and have an appointment with a plastic surgeon on January 21st. I am PRAYING my insurance will approve the removal of this apron of skin. It's to the point that I had to stop jogging because it moves so much that it causes excruciating back pain. I can only do about 20 hard minutes on the elliptical or treadmill before the back pain sets in from having so much weight hang. I am supplementing on the stationary bike, but it's difficult. Even now, my back is aching from my 40 minutes of cardio this morning. I've tried the support aids and am to the point that only surgery will fix this. I am humiliated by this... because it is a result of the abuse I have done to my body. It is the result of my choices.

So my dear Sarah (trainer) and I talked about goals for 2013. My goal on January 3rd last year, the day I first went to the gym and met her, was to lose 70# before December 31st. I met that goal. Time to set some new ones.
Goal #1: Address the apron of skin/ back pain issues.
Goal #2: Get UNDER 200# (Sarah's goal for me is 185#.. that sounds like a fairytale to me right now, but I'll work towards it!)
Goal #3: Continues staying fit, active, and HEALTHY! At my last doctors' appointment, my doctor could barely hear my heart murmur... it's actually healing as my heart strengthens!!!

So.... here's to my achievements in 2012, and proving to myself that I CAN DO THIS! And here's to moving past the bumps in the road to meet my new goals!

Happy New Year!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESSHAILE 1/7/2013 7:43AM

    Yay Yay Yay for you!

You're success is not a single day or a single month - it's a lifetime of living - so happy for you.

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WILDRICE99 1/2/2013 8:08PM

    Fabulous! You are an inspiration! It may be redundant, but keep up the good work. Strength training can do wonders when you can't get the cardio in...II should take some of my own advice!

here's to an amazing 2013 in which you will be under 200 pounds!! Doesn't that sound fabulous!

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DAREDEVILME 1/2/2013 3:54PM

    A New Year, and some great new goals. You have come a long way, and are really on the right track.
You're going to be just fine!

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CCASKEY37 1/2/2013 7:34AM

    I'm glad you made your goal for last year and are working toward another set. I hope to hear how you reach those goals on Sparkpeople.

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SWAN47 1/1/2013 11:55PM

    I like your goals too! I hope your insurance will cover your surgery as it is needed. I'm glad your back on track. Most of us have times when we slip and 5lbs is minor. I know it's frustrating to have to lose the weight again but don't beat yourself up. Learn from it and move on. You are worth all the effort you've put into losing the 70lbs this last year. Just think what you will achieve in 2013. Many blessings to you this year! Thanks for reading my blog. emoticon

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2BFREE2LIVE 1/1/2013 10:54PM

    You have done so well and only gaining back five pounds is nothing in comparison to what you lost.
Just get back on track and remember how you feel when you get on that scale and see the numbers go lower. You can do this.
Thank you for the new photo you both look so happy.

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LESLIELENORE 1/1/2013 7:36PM

    emoticon I hope your insurance come through for you! Way to go to get yourself back on track.

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PARKERB2 1/1/2013 6:35PM

    You really rocked 2012. Here's to an even better 2013. Hope your insurance will pay for the surgery. You deserve it. emoticon

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