Friday, August 24, 2012
When I set out on this journey (for the umpteenth time!), I wanted to get healthy for my daughter. I wanted to be ACTIVE with her. I wanted to play WITH her, not just watch her play. I wanted to be able to fit in places with her and let her focus on the fun of childhood, rather than on mommy's limitations.
Today, I felt freedom. Today, my daughter got an ACTIVE mommy.
We went to the fair today, and my 4 yr old was dieing to go on rides. But was scared of them at the same time. She wanted mommy to go with her. And I did. I didn't worry that I would break anything. I didn't worry about fitting. I didn't worry about anything, other than being in the moment with my daughter. And it was freedom.
On the carousel
In the turning berry
I even climbed the SUPER long, high, pink slide (several flights of steps up a very NARROW way) with her. Then sat my butt on the blanket, tucked her onto my lap, and went down the slide with her.
I wouldn't have even CONSIDERED it 57# ago. I simply would have told her "no". That makes me sad to think of!
We. Had. A. BLAST!
Monday, August 20, 2012
My trainer had me start holding plank this week, and suggested I get my 4 yr old involved. So I did!
What a blast! I love the time with her, and I know that she soaks up and imitates every little thing I do. So I need to ensure that I'm modeling stuff I WANT her to emulate. I haven't done a great job of that the majority of her short life. But I love that I was able to change that.
I love this kid more than I ever thought possible. And I NEVER want her to feel about herself the way I have spent the majority of my life feeling about my body. I want her to focus on health rather than vanity, but know that she has the power to change what she deems change worthy.
And an important side note: I posted these pics on my FB page. It was at least 15 minutes later that I realized one is a full body shot of myself. I haven't done that in YEARS. Progress. 56# worth of progress.
Friday, August 17, 2012
This has been a strange week... my emotions and body have run the gamut between grief to normal, from pain to a great work out. Healing is taking place. Both physically and emotionally, I am healing.
My hamstrings are hurting from some squats with weights, as well as some one-legged reps on the leg press. But it's a good hurt... a hurt that tells me that I am gaining something rather than the pain of the miscarriage, which was about losing something.
This morning I worked out HARD. 25 minutes of cardio on my own, followed by a session with my trainer. At the end, I went from plank position to sprawled on the ground. Put a fork in me... I was done.
And if felt wonderful. It felt like ME.
Slowly, but surely, I am healing. And my eyes are still on the end game. I want this for me. Grief must have it's time, but that doesn't mean I have to give up on myself either.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
As I shared in my blogs last week, I recently had a miscarriage. For a few days, I felt like my heart would simply shatter. Beyond the physical pain that I was in (which required a shot and oral narcotics), I was simply exhausted. I spent the majority of 2 days in bed crying, sleeping, and hiding. I went to the ultra sound on Wednesday which showed that no surgery was needed. I had a recheck with my doctor yesterday, and was released back to activity.
For the past week I have not tracked my food. I have alternated between eating little or eating junk. I have not exercised (nor have I felt well enough to). I have not cared about much of anything beyond my daughter.
While my heart continues to feel battered and bruised, I simply can not allow my grief to steal my goals. I already lost my baby.... I'm not about to lose my dreams for myself as well.
So today I'm heading back to the gym. I don't have hugely high expectations of my body (while the physical pain is gone, I still have an awful headache that the doctor said is typical with the hormonal changes after a pregnancy loss). However, I DO expect myself to start again. To do it. To refuse to allow this event to be the reason I give up on myself.
Life dealt me a crappy hand last week. Today I take back my control. I've eaten well and healthy today, and tracked it. I already told my daughter we're heading to the gym after her nap... that means I've committed to going. I'll take it step by step, day by day.
But I am not a quitter. Today the only thing I have to prove, is to prove that to myself.
Thursday, August 09, 2012
It's been 4 days since I learned of my miscarriage. 4 days of shock, tears, grief, anger, and sadness. 4 days of physical pain, cramping, and fatigue.
My body is healing. I continue to be more tired than usual, but the cramping and pain are subsiding. My heart, however, isn't healing quite as quickly. I suppose that is going to take some time.
I have one healthy child. But I have been pregnant 4 times. I have 3 angel children that I've never held in my arms. 3 sweet souls in heaven that I believe I will meet someday. I am thankful for my faith right now. It is the only reason that I'm not raging in fury right now.
Tomorrow I'm doing a few "normal" social things... a play date for my daughter, and dinner with friends. Maybe normal activities will help me feel more normal.
I've alternated this week between eating almost nothing, or eating junk. I'm restricted from activity until I see my doctor on Monday. I need to get "back on track"... but in all honesty, I have no energy for it right now.
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