Tuesday, August 14, 2012
As I shared in my blogs last week, I recently had a miscarriage. For a few days, I felt like my heart would simply shatter. Beyond the physical pain that I was in (which required a shot and oral narcotics), I was simply exhausted. I spent the majority of 2 days in bed crying, sleeping, and hiding. I went to the ultra sound on Wednesday which showed that no surgery was needed. I had a recheck with my doctor yesterday, and was released back to activity.
For the past week I have not tracked my food. I have alternated between eating little or eating junk. I have not exercised (nor have I felt well enough to). I have not cared about much of anything beyond my daughter.
While my heart continues to feel battered and bruised, I simply can not allow my grief to steal my goals. I already lost my baby.... I'm not about to lose my dreams for myself as well.
So today I'm heading back to the gym. I don't have hugely high expectations of my body (while the physical pain is gone, I still have an awful headache that the doctor said is typical with the hormonal changes after a pregnancy loss). However, I DO expect myself to start again. To do it. To refuse to allow this event to be the reason I give up on myself.
Life dealt me a crappy hand last week. Today I take back my control. I've eaten well and healthy today, and tracked it. I already told my daughter we're heading to the gym after her nap... that means I've committed to going. I'll take it step by step, day by day.
But I am not a quitter. Today the only thing I have to prove, is to prove that to myself.
Thursday, August 09, 2012
It's been 4 days since I learned of my miscarriage. 4 days of shock, tears, grief, anger, and sadness. 4 days of physical pain, cramping, and fatigue.
My body is healing. I continue to be more tired than usual, but the cramping and pain are subsiding. My heart, however, isn't healing quite as quickly. I suppose that is going to take some time.
I have one healthy child. But I have been pregnant 4 times. I have 3 angel children that I've never held in my arms. 3 sweet souls in heaven that I believe I will meet someday. I am thankful for my faith right now. It is the only reason that I'm not raging in fury right now.
Tomorrow I'm doing a few "normal" social things... a play date for my daughter, and dinner with friends. Maybe normal activities will help me feel more normal.
I've alternated this week between eating almost nothing, or eating junk. I'm restricted from activity until I see my doctor on Monday. I need to get "back on track"... but in all honesty, I have no energy for it right now.
Monday, August 06, 2012
This weekend I had awful, beyond-painful cramps. After a couple weeks of stress upon stress, my period started. But it came with terrible abdominal cramps and back pain so severe that it nearly brought me to my knees.
Today I went to the Dr since the pain was so bad. I expected her to tell me I had another cyst. Or something along those lines.
Instead I learned that I was having an early miscarriage. We aren't trying to have a baby. In fact, it's not even a good idea to have another baby since my last pregnancy was so complicated.
But I am heart broken. I have spent today alternating between shock and tears. I have an ultra sound on Wednesday to make sure that everything is okay. But for now, I'm just sad.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Yesterday was my daughter's 4th birthday. She is the ONLY grandchild on both sides of the family and spoiled rotten! On Thursday night, my parents (who live across the street) returned from a 7 week trip. On Friday my mother in law, sister in law, Father in law, and his wife all came over to stay with us. That means feeding 6 extra adults during a weekend of celebration. HARD diet issue for me.
Yesterday morning we had the traditional birthday part with lots of kids and friends. I decided to eat the hotdog and small portion of chips, and load up from fresh fruits and veggies. And yes... I had a cupcake.
Last night we grilled turkey burgers. I had 1/2, plus fresh fruit salad and lettuce salad. And another small piece of dessert. We also bought some delicious egg roles from a friend (a fund raiser). They were WONDERFUL as an easy appetizer for a group, but not exactly diet friendly. I tried to keep the portion size down.
This morning was IHOP with family. I TRIED to keep it a little healthy, and cut down on my portions.
My MIL and SIL left this morning. My FIL and step-MIL are here until tomorrow. Tonight are turkey tacos with lots of garden fixings.
I do NOT expect a weight loss this week. And I honestly think I'm okay with that. I made a conscious decision to not track my food, but to try to reduce portions. I decided to focus on family and not spend energy on cooking separately for myself.
I think this is life. There may be holidays, celebrations, vacations, etc., that tracking and eating 100% healthy isn't practical. The important thing for me to remember is that this was a CHOICE. I didn't "fall off the wagon". I made a choice. And that means that tomorrow I chose to go back to my "normal" menus and eating habits. In fact my juicer came yesterday. I'm looking forward to purchasing some great fresh produce this week and using it! I'm hoping to substitute juice for breakfast and one snack a day. Not planning to juice fast, just want to boost my nutrition (particularly iron level!)
Anyway.... off to go spend some time with family.
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